Why Doesn’t He Ask Me Out? And What Can I Do?

“Why doesn’t he ask me out?” Does that question plague your mind about a certain man? Find out what is likely going on and what you can do.

why doesn't he ask me out-handsome manTell Me! Why Doesn’t He Ask Me Out?

Has this happened to you?

There’s a man you see often at work, church or with a group of friends. He’s always flirty and seems interested. He might go out of his way to stop by your desk or sit beside you at a social gathering. The two of you really click and have a great time whenever you see each other.

So you wonder, (and rightly so) “Why doesn’t he ask me out? It’s so confusing! He might even talk about getting together or asking you out. But, he doesn’t take that step. No date ever gets set up. With some men, they might set up the date, but always cancel.

Arrrgh! What the heck?!? What is going on in his mind that keeps him from following through and asking you out?

How Men Think

Here’s a little peek inside a man’s mind about why this happens. You might be surprised and think these reasons couldn’t possibly apply to you. Let me tell you right now – yes, they do! Even if the situation is a little bit different. These are the reasons why he’s NOT following through.

Attraction Is Not Enough

Keep in mind this has NOTHING TO DO WITH ATTRACTION. Yes, he finds you attractive or he wouldn’t flirt or talk to you. Yet, his strong attraction does not mean he has any serious romantic intent. If he wanted to date you HE WOULD. But he’s not and there are a number of reasons why that is.

I know you might feel like I’m being harsh or lacking compassion. I DO understand how this feels, but I want my readers or others to know what’s going on.

1) He’s Got a Woman in His Life


Yup, he is married but doesn’t wear a ring, lives with a woman or has a girlfriend. Sadly, she doesn’t keep him from flirting his butt off with you and others, but she sure does curtail his ability to date. And yes, you’d be the OTHER woman if he did.

2) He Doesn’t Want to Date Anyone

No matter how much he flirts or how great you are together, he’s not looking to date anyone. Regardless of how into you he seems, he doesn’t want a relationship. He simply doesn’t want to go on dates or get involved. These first two reasons most often answer your query of, “Why doesn’t he ask me out?”

3) He Needs an Ego Boost

When you flirt with this guy, it feels really good to him. He soaks up your flirtatious energy and his ego gets the boost he craves. Maybe he’s a bit down, or life has gotten hard, or he yearns for female attention. It doesn’t matter why. He just needs the strokes to feel more confident, attractive and desirable and flirting with you provides that.

4) He Enjoys Flirting


The flirty interactions you share are fun! It’s creative, sexy and highly entertaining. So, he does engages with you whenever he can to pass the time and feel alive. In fact, it seems like he can’t get enough of you when he’s with you. But, he still won’t ask you out and he never will.

5) He Looks Good in Front of Other Men

This is another version of the ego boost. When this man flirts, it’s usually for an audience. He not only wants your attention, he wants other men to see how you desire him. So, this really is all about him and not about you at all.

6) He Loves the Fantasy

Flirting with you gives him plenty of fantasy fodder. He might use your encounters when he’s alone or think about you when he’s with his woman to spice things up. Yuck, right? Happens ALL the time. Some people have very vivid fantasy lives.  So, when you ask, “Why doesn’t he ask me out?” the reason could be he doesn’t want to spoil the fantasy which is always better than real life

7) He Knows He’s Not Your Man

why doesn't he ask me out - man in tuxSometimes a guy knows he’s out of his league when it comes to you. But, he still finds you incredibly attractive and loves the banter. He never acts on this connection because simply put, he knows better. It’s clear to him it would never work out. However, that doesn’t mean he can’t enjoy flirting with you.

8) He’s Not Capable of a Relationship

Not all men want anything consistent and there are those who  simply are not capable of a healthy relationship. They know this, so they avoid starting anything up with you. This is actually an act of respect since he knows he’s not the right man for you.

I’m sure there are other answers for “Why doesn’t he ask me out?” and I haven’t covered every option. But this is a good dose of reality for why a man refuses to take that next step with you.

What Can You Do?

Enjoy the flirting and let it feed your ego. Have fun with it. Practice your own conversation and flirting skills. Admit the exchanges are great for honing your skills and heightening your feelings of being a desirable woman. This prepares you for flirting with other men who ARE available as long as you can easily accept he’s not coming around and you’ll never date this guy.

Give Up on Him!

On the other hand, when these flirty conversations make you feel bad, avoid him! Tell him you no longer want to play his game. Be coy and cut him off or keep the conversations short by saying you’ve got to get back to work. Get him out of your heart and head because if you have to ask, “Why doesn’t he ask me out?” that PROVES he’s not the man for you.

Keep Your Dignity

You have plenty of options to keep your dignity and sanity. The only option not available to you is dating him or getting him to change his mind. Then move on because there are PLENTY more fish in the sea. Meet lots of men until you find one who pursues you, asks you out and wants a fabulous woman like you for a lasting, loving relationship.


Need help understanding men and finding the one for you? Schedule a complimentary conversation and let’s find out what’s keeping you from the love you dream of.

Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. She put her skills from personal development and her spiritual path to work, dating 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to manifesting and midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late to help smart, successful women find love or live an empowered and magical life. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000s of midlife women with her Love & Magical Life Coach services. She’s the host of the Breathe Love & Magic podcast and has been featured on NBC, ABC, & Fox News, NPR, BBC, eHarmony, MSN.com, and Connecticut Magazine among others. Also, Ronnie is the author of 6 books which are available on Amazon.

8 thoughts on “Why Doesn’t He Ask Me Out? And What Can I Do?”

  1. Guy here that doesn’t date –
    There is an explanation that applies to me and its #2 only. None of the others are correct. I do not have a wife or girlfriend, I don’t enjoy flirting, and I’m not trying to show off to anybody. I don’t think I’m flirtatious AT ALL. Here’s what I think is happening: I’m naturally a nice, chatty guy. I like to socialize and have friends. So when I talk to a woman and she’s single, she thinks I’m flirting. Ladies – most of this is something you’ve constructed in your head. He’s not interested just because he’s nice. As many dating coaches have said, go by what he DOES, not what he SAYS. If he does not ask you out it’s because he doesn’t want a relationship. If you want a relationship, you’re only choice is to not socialize with him if it bothers you too much. Follow the advice here. Tell him you have to get back to work, or otherwise cut the interaction short. He will either step up and ask you out (if he was already going to) or he will find someone friendlier. That’s it. It’s not rocket science.

    • Hey John, thanks for the confirmation! Got that loud and clear. Of course not all men have the same motivation but, I appreciate what you said about nice, social guys who chat with women. Ladies – you’ve now heard it from a man’s perspective so remember his advice – it is rock solid and something that I know very well to be true. Friendly and even flirty behavior doesn’t mean a man wants to date you or have a relationship. Same goes for women – plenty of women flirt but it doesn’t mean they want to date the guy either. Flirting and being friendly are fun all on their own and do not necessarily have a deeper dating agenda.

  2. I have seen men who are extremely good looking, attractive and charming (lady killers) who play this game. They especially love doing it to “girl next door types” or women carrying a few extra pounds. It’s like some ego thing. And it crushes the hearts of these women. They abuse their power instead of understanding how fortunate they are to have what they have.

    • Hi Josie – there are all kinds of men, just like there are all kinds of women. The trick is to keep looking until you find a good one. Don’t give up!

  3. Hi Robin,
    Wow how rude! That was a nasty power play. So sorry but good for you for getting through it with dignity. You are so right – why would he choose to be mean? I’d steer clear of that bad boy in church or anywhere.

  4. I’ve got a guy like this at church…he finally asked me to sit with him at a church function, then turned his back on me and talked with the person on his right.

    I wasn’t near the group on my end, and he’s tall, so I couldn’t talk to the people on his side, so I felt I was floundering. After finishing my fried chicken (hey!), I smiled and said my good byes.

    That was just weird, but I do wonder what he was thinking. Men just think so differently than women, I don’t get this…and I’m a linear thinker!


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