As far as how long to let the men lead goes….I’ve been doing that with several men lately, but I’ve had a couple guys actually get snippy with me and say things like ” I thought you weren’t interested” even though I’ve Indicated that I’ve had a great time with them, I’ve been available for 2nd and 3rd dates, etc.
When do we step up without seeming like we are taking control? With some of these guys I’ve had the sense that they are used to having the women do all the planning, dating work, etc.
Holly in Ohio
I’m not sure why these men are snippy. Perhaps that’s the important information you’ve gathered about them while letting them lead:
- They might not be leaders
- They might be very insecure
- They might be emotionally immature
- They might not know how dating works today
Maybe, learning that these men are snippy can help you decide if you want to continue dating them. After all – why should they get snippy when they can call you? If you say yes to their requests for dates, isn’t your interest rather obvious?
On the other hand, if you don’t mind dating men who expect the women to do all the planning that is your choice. But as a dating coach, I highly recommend letting the men do the work just for that initial phase of dating – the first 4-6 dates. That’s how you can collect data about how interested they are in you. How often they’ll call or want to see you. What they do to try to please you and win you over etc.
As the relationship builds, of course you’ll do more planning. Most women are the social directors. But, if you do that from the start, when will the men step up and contribute their energy to win you over? They won’t have to and you’ll miss a crucial part of the courtship process.
Holly, if you have thanked these men for dates, complimented them on their choice of dating activity or restaurant, told them you had a nice time, smiled or kissed them and they don’t get it, uhh, then I don’t know what is wrong with them.
But something is.
So, let’s say you are dating a man you really like, and he calls you and sees you consistently. Then after the 4th or 5th date, you can suggest something or ask to get together. Just keep your initiation on a 3:1 ratio. Let the men do more so you can be sure they are interested in you and not just being curious, polite or thinking they’re going to get lucky since you are pursuing them.
That’s the beauty of the Ball Room Dancing Theory of Dating. If you let the man lead, you’ll quickly know how things are going. And you’ll never have to wonder if he likes you or not. See, if he stands there, waiting for you to make the first move, now you know what the relationship will look like. He’ll be expecting and requiring you to be in charge.
I hope that helps!
Ronnie Ann Ryan – The Dating Coach