What should I look for in a man? Most single women have a list, but you want a man who is good relationship material as well as meeting your list of requirements.
What’s On Your List?
Right now, I’ve had two new dating coaching clients who tell me the man they date must be absolutely brilliant. They didn’t ask me, “What should I look for in a man?” They had their requirements in mind already. I spoke to them both separately about this need for a brilliant man.
I asked both of them, “Really? He must be brilliant? What if the guy is just smart? What is it about brilliance that is so important? Will his brilliance make him a loyal partner or kind? Supportive or fun to be with?”
Do Your Requirements Ensure Compatibility?
Both clients thought about this for a minute and realized a man’s intelligence did not guarantee he would be a good or loving partner. Regardless, both women insisted this is a “must have” trait for them.
Delving deeper, I asked how their relationships with brilliant men had been so far. They sadly admitted not so good, since both were divorced. Each woman said her husband was NOT emotionally intelligent or available. Yet, they both insisted this was a deal breaker. This is what they find attractive and simply can’t help themselves.
That seemed ridiculous to me. Had they ever even tried dating another type of man to know if that were true? Nope, neither had explored other options.
People Are “Package Deals”
When it comes to qualities at any extreme, (i.e. brilliant versus smart) you cannot separate the parts of a man you like from the parts you don’t. Chances are extremely high that every time these women find a brilliant man, he will also lack emotional intelligence. That’s how it works. When one quality is super developed, there is usually another less developed. This is what I mean by package deal – the traits are most often found together.
What should you look for in a man? Balance is one of the most important traits! You want him to be super intelligent? Sure, but make sure he’s also emotionally available. A man who is balanced will be a good partner because he…
- Talks things through when trouble arises
- Knows how to compromise
- Is interested in your needs and not just his
- Wants to spend quality time with you
- Enjoys your company
Don’t You Want an All-Around Great Partner?
The package deal holds true for the upper end of any spectrum. For example, the most charming man is often the a player and the least loyal. A super successful guy will put his career first instead of you. Same goes for a sports enthusiast – you’ll never be his main priority. Or a guy who is the life of the party will want all the attention. Are you starting to see the big picture now?
What Should I Look for in a Man?
I’m not saying you shouldn’t go after the kind of man you want. Sure, write it all down on your list. Just make sure you also include the kind of traits that make him a good husband too. And then be realistic and willing to trade the extreme of any quality for compatibility and long-term, healthy love.
The Definition of Insanity
Do you know the most common definition of insanity? It’s doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting a new outcome. In other words, if either client finds another brilliant man, he will probably be lacking emotional IQ. Yes, that’s the way this works. If these women truly want to find lasting love with a wonderful partner, they need to rethink “brilliant” as a top requirement.
Focused on One Trait
When you are overly focused on just one trait, or shooting for the moon, you will absolutely miss out. You’ll pass over quality men who would make great boyfriends or husbands. Don’t do it! Instead, set the bar to a more realistic place to improve the odds of finding an awesome man AND a compatible partner.
“When you ask, “What should I look for in a man?” I’m not saying you should lower your standards or date a man who isn’t smart or what you want. But you can be more realistic. Could he simply be smart and good at what he does vs. Einstein material?
Compatibility Comes from a Balance of Traits
You want a man who is capable of having a healthy relationship to create a happy life together. Wouldn’t that be better than a brilliant, narcissistic man who will forget dinner plans, never ask about your day or overlook your birthday because he was, well…busy being brilliant?
I’m hoping you’ll rethink your list. And if you haven’t made one, ask yourself, “What should I look for in a man?” Please give this serious consideration. That’s my dating advice for women over 40 because more than anything, I want to see you find love and live happily ever after.