Have you ever read The Dating Goddess’s blog? She writes fabulous posts about being over 40 and single.

In a recent post, she had a conversation with a guy friend who’d like to date her,. He explained the attraction she has,

“You have this tough, businesslike, ‘don’t mess with me’ exterior. But inside, you’re soft and gooey.”The Dating Goddess responded, “Like a Tootsie-pop!” And her friend said, “Exactly. Soft and delicious once you get past the hard shell.”

The Dating Goddess (DG) went on to talk about how men get to the gooey center when they take the time to get to know her and stick around. DG also pointed out how many men are intimidated by successful women today who have developed this “don’t mess with me” demeanor and several commenters agreed.

Should a Man Have to Break Through Your Shell to See Who You Really Are?

In her blog’s comment section, I acknowledged that DG had started a great conversation. And the comments were thought provoking – much like the proverbial question, “Which came first? The chicken or the egg?”

Here’s my take from my own dating experiences and from having worked with thousands of  women over 40:

It’s the “promise” of the gooey center, beneath the hard exterior, that captivates a man’s attention and makes him curious. I can see why women want a man to prove himself first before they are willing to show this vulnerable side. Yet, can you realistically expect a heart connection if you aren’t willing to be a little vulnerable?

I understand how you’ve been hurt and disappointed before and I don’t blame you. I have the deepest empathy for your feelings. However, what I know first hand, is this – if you can’t be warm and somewhat open, you have little chance of getting a man to stick around long enough to see that yummy, pleasing side of you.

Now you may wonder – why is that? Here’s the answer in a nutshell. Most men are seeking a counterpart. They want a woman who is comfortable with her feminine nature to balance their masculine nature. A woman who uses her feminine charm actually brings out more of his masculine side – which feels REALLY GOOD for a man. And let’s not forget this crucial fact for your love life success:

Men pick women who make them FEEL GOOD.

How can you do this without getting hurt again? Well, its hard. You might get hurt again. But, you can be smart. I’m not asking you to jump in with both feet and throw all caution to the wind. Of course a man needs to prove himself to you. At the same time, you need to find a way to let him see and entice him with your gooey soft center.  This peak under the tent, builds his desire to find out more about you!

If you don’t do this, you can see why a man might think you just sport a hard shell and there’s nothing beneath that besides…more hard shell. That’s your business demeanor and it isn’t likely help you land a strong man. You might land a man with more feminine energy who seeks the balance through your well-developed masculine side. Chances are though – that you won’t be happy with that.

This is something I know a lot about because I am a “chick in charge”.  When I was in the corporate world, I was a woman to be reckoned with. Tough as nails because I had to be. That’s was required to be good at my job. This will get you promoted, but it will NEVER HELP YOU LAND A GOOD MAN.

My advice? Find ways to let your warmth show.

Your softness and gooey center is your feminine charm. Yes, men want a woman who is confident AND also knows how to show her feminine side. It is your feminine charm that attracts a man to you and wins a man over. Don’t wear that hard exterior like a badge of honor when you are seeking a date. Keep that for business and display your yummy, fudgy center (like the Tootsie Pop) when you interact with men romantically.

Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. She put her skills from personal development and her spiritual path to work, dating 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to manifesting and midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late to help smart, successful women find love or live an empowered and magical life. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000s of midlife women with her Love & Magical Life Coach services. She’s the host of the Breathe Love & Magic podcast and has been featured on NBC, ABC, & Fox News, NPR, BBC, eHarmony, MSN.com, and Connecticut Magazine among others. Also, Ronnie is the author of 6 books which are available on Amazon.