Need help understanding men? If a guy makes plans but doesn’t follow through or leaves it vague about a day, place and time, that’s not a REAL date. Read on to also find out how to respond to a flaky guy.
What Is a Vague Date?
Let’s say you’ve been texting with a great guy all week and on Wednesday he said, “Let’s meet this weekend.
We’ll talk about the details as we get closer to the weekend.” How exciting – you can’t wait to meet this guy! You are so looking forward to meeting him.
This could also happen after a first date or if met a guy out or at a party. It’s all the same thing if he asks you out but is vague about it.
Then suddenly, it’s Saturday and you don’t know anything about the date.
Not sure how to respond to a flaky guy, you text asking if you’re still getting together. He texts back saying something came up or worse, doesn’t even respond.
It’s so aggravating when this happens! Now you’re facing Saturday night with nothing to do when you had been counting on a date with him! Why did he do that?
Keeping His Options Open
Some men like to hedge their bets to make sure they have a fun weekend. While chatting with you, he thinks to see you would be fun, so he asks to meet Saturday.
Having you on the hook is a big relief because if nothing better comes along, he can see you.
He continues fishing online, viewing profiles, and chatting with women. He connects with another woman who seems better.
Maybe she’s cuter, shorter, taller, younger, older, thinner, curvier, etc.
Whatever his preferences or mood might be, he asks her out for Saturday night. This is a flaky guy who doesn’t know what he wants.
Now you can see why he didn’t make a firm plan with you. He was still looking for his best possible option.
Understanding Men – Talk Is Cheap
Don’t take to heart what men say for the first several dates. This is especially true BEFORE your first date. Talk is cheap and doesn’t mean anything.
A man can say sweet things that draw you in to make you adore him.
Players know you want to feel like a man is into you, thinks you’re the one, or are pretty, so they say amazing things to you to win you over. Go ahead and enjoy the flattery, just don’t BELIEVE it.
Only time will tell if he means what he says and is serious about you. Hold off falling in love until you know who this guy really is.
He might mean every word he said. Or, he could be playing with your heart. Men don’t necessarily do these things to be mean.
Some guys just don’t know what they want, so they act this way.
Why Men Say One Thing, Do Another
There are a lot of men who seem to always say one thing, then do another. In this case, it’s not just about setting up a date but, about almost anything they agree to do.
That might be when he’ll call, introduce you to his friends, or return something he borrowed. If you meet a man like this, let me assure you this will not improve with time.
You might be tempted to be patient and just to be sure he doesn’t turn it around. Instead, accept this is who he is and move on to find a better man.
Why didn’t he set a time for our date?
Follow Through Is Gold
On the other hand, follow-through is GOLD. When a man says something and then does it, now you can start taking him more seriously.
A man who sets the day and time for your date right away is showing a deeper level of interest in you.
When he follows through on promises and what he says, then he’s worth seeing again. This is one of the best ways for understanding men – following though what actually matters.
Dating Is a Sorting Process
You have to meet a lot of men and see them a few times to weed out the ones who talk a good game but aren’t serious about you.
It takes several dates to find out if a man is really interested.
Paying attention to what he DOES to win you over is the only thing that matters.
Any man can say nice words and make empty promises. You are looking for a man with integrity who does what he says.
The right man for you wants a relationship and wants it with YOU.
Keep Your Options Open
Next time a man asks to see you “sometime over the weekend” but isn’t specific, don’t bother saving the date for him.
You can say yes, then keep connecting with other men and feel free to make a date if that’s an option. Why keep yourself open for a man who isn’t willing to schedule a date?
As time draws near, you may be tempted to check in with him and ask if you’re still on. I don’t recommend it.
If he’s really interested, he should close the deal on date details to make sure you are “off the market” for the weekend.
It’s not the end of the world if you do check, but if he takes his time responding, forget about him.
Guy Makes Plans But Doesn’t Follow Through
My dating advice for women is to not get excited about a vague date. If there’s no date and time, then it’s NOT a real date. Until the details are firm, you are still available to meet or see other men.
You want to know how to respond to a flaky guy? There’s no reason to respond!
Many women wonder if he’s shy or insecure and wants to help the guy out by making it easy and doing his follow up work. Don’t fall for that!
Give Him Space To See What He Does
Even a shy man knows EXACTLY what he needs to do to go on a date with you Saturday night. He knows he has to ask you and set it up. Give him space to do this.
Whether or not he’s a shy guy, give a man the time to do what is natural for him to do if he’s serious about you.
When you give a man space, you are not taking over his role in dating. You are taking the feminine position to let him lead which is completely appropriate at the start of dating.
Later, things will balance out in terms of planning and getting together.
When a man seems flaky by not scheduling the date, he’s letting you know through his actions (or lack of them) that he’s not into you enough to be serious about you.
Let Men Pursue You
That’s why the best thing you can do is let a man pursue you. This minimizes the risk of going out with a guy who is just filling time until he meets someone better.
If you accept a date with another man, because the first one didn’t follow up, just say, “Gee, I didn’t hear from you, so I made other plans. But I’m free Sunday afternoon,” (or whenever you are free next.)
This lets him know you’re interested, and he’s still got a chance and that’s how to respond to a flaky guy.
When a Guy Wants to Hang Out With You
It might make you feel good when a guy wants to hang out. Just be aware that “hanging out” is usually a casual thing. This is his excuse not to be buttoned up with date details because it’s just hanging out.
If this is the case, don’t be fooled. He’s not serious about you at all. And since he’s not serious, you can do nothing because that’s how to respond to a flaky guy.
What Makes Understanding Men Easier?
Understanding men is so much easier when you take your emotional attachment out of the equation.
Step back and look at the vague date situation objectively. Then you will see that a man who does this could be:
- Playing games
- Not sure what he wants
- Stringing you along hoping he finds a better woman
- Liked you, but got distracted by others
- Isn’t ready to date, just wants to see if women are interested
Don’t Bother with Flaky Guys
The point is, it doesn’t matter what he says or why he’s flaky, only what he does to be sure he can see you. If a guy makes plans but doesn’t follow through, that’s hopeless.
It doesn’t matter if his texts are fun or sweet, he follows you on social media and likes your posts or calls and talks for hours.
When he doesn’t set a date, time and place, it’s not a real date. See how simple that is? End of confusion, end of the story.
For more on understanding men, get my Free book His Mixed Signals Are So Confusing.
322 thoughts on “Understanding Men: Why He Asks You Out But Leaves It Vague”
HI Ronnie, I was talking to this guy for a few months and things were great. Out of nowhere, he started calling and seeing me less. He told me we should talk and said it’s not another woman. He lives a few blocks from me and we work for the same organization. Also, his social media is public and stated he has nothing to hide. As I set up a few options of days to meet, he never confirmed but apologized after via text. Then he said he was going to call after his appointment but never did.
During this time he never had any idea I was going through the loss of two family members in a 12 hr period. A day after he stood me up I texted what was going on and he never responded. I know his job requires him to be focused but that led me to believe he is showing me who he really is. My question is, are my thoughts based on facts or feelings? Should I leave him alone or try to have this conversation? Why is he avoiding talking to me when he initiated the idea we need to talk?
Hi Char, Sorry you are going through this and honestly, its hard to say for sure why he’s doing this. It could be that saying you need to talk is all he ever planned to say, wiggling out of a real conversation. Lots of men prefer to avoid emotional breakups so that could explain his behavior. Add to that your losses which would likely make things more emotional. There’s no excuse but sometimes this is how things are. Now is this fact or emotion? Fact. You are basing your disappointment on his lack of communication – that’s real. Should you have this conversation? I don’t see how that’s going to happen. Sadly, it’s time to let him go.
Hey Ronnie I loved your article and have a question? I was talking to a guy for a week and he asked me out and we talked about it and when the day came he disappeared and never said anything so I messaged him and said u could have let me know u weren’t going to show up instead of waistig my time . So my question is should I have said that or should I have just blocked him with out a response?
Hi Joleisha, This is such a great question! The reason is because the answer goes deeper than you might think. There’s nothing wrong technically with having said that to a guy who ditched you. That was so rude! Getting stood up can happen to any woman, but how you handle this influences your ability to attract a quality man.
Here’s why I prefer no response and blocking. While it feels good to call a guy out and release your anger, if this happens several times, your anger about men will build. This directly impacts your feelings and attitude about men (and potentially yourself too). Once you’re angry, your ability to attract a quality guy and connect from the heart erodes. Then you have to find a way to release this increased anger and heal it.
To avoid building up anger, when you simply block, you can chock up his behavior to being the wrong man for you. He opted out before wasting your time and in the bigger picture of dating and life, this can be viewed as a blessing in disguise. When you shift to seeing this unfortunate experience this way, you can stay light about men and dating. And that is key to finding love.
When you don’t take dating too seriously, and avoid anger build up from the men who disappoint or act like jerks (especially in the first few dates or before you even meet), that goes a long way to help you stay positive in your outlook on love. Staying optimistic, feeling hopeful, and knowing that love is your destiny makes you a much better date, because you know how to roll with things.
You won’t be tensed up waiting for another guy to be a jerk. In other words, you won’t EXPECT men to be jerks. But if a guy is, you let it go, knowing you’re now one man closer to the right man for you. In fact, every man you meet brings you one man closer to the lasting love you desire.
I’m not saying you can’t get mad or feel hurt – of course you can – that’s normal. But the quicker you recover and shift to the philosophy I just explained, the better your chances for your heart to remain open, so you’ll attract that wonderful guy. I hope that helps!
I have been talking to a guy on text from past 4 months. We couldnt meet because he was in a different city because of the covid situation. But then now the situation is better and he wont make plans. Whenever I bring up the topic he says he is serious about meeting me but then doesnt make any solid plans. We talk for hours daily. What should I do
Hi Monica, I’m so curious why you are wasting so much time on a man who refuses to meet you? He’s not the only man on the planet. Don’t let yourself get so attached to men you haven’t yet met. STOP talking to and texting this guy. Block him because he’ll keep trying. He’s totally leading you on and has no intention of meeting you. To avoid this in the future, don’t text for more than a week before meeting. Any man who can’t meet you within 7 days isn’t serious about finding love. If a man has excuses, that’s a bad sign, so move on.
Hi Ronnie, Please help me understand a situation. I had a guy who says he was interested and wanted to be with me. We texted nicely and very sweet. He scheduled 2 dates and never followed though. He never texted to cancel either of them. He never answered the phone when I called and I could not get a hold of him on weekends. I might have pushed to seeing him but I was just for at least one date. Did I do something wrong? I am hurting and feel I pushed him away. Now he blocked me on text but not on social media. Will be unblock me? I don’t feel that I abused it. I was really into this guy.
Hi Lori, Your question has two parts. The first is to help you understand this guy. Texting nicely means nothing as you have come to see. It’s just texting and often a time filler or ego builder. When a man schedules dates but doesn’t follow through – he’s not serious. When you can’t reach him – he’s avoiding you. Will he unblock you? No. So, the first part is that sadly, he was not serious about you which he demonstrated clearly.
The second piece is about whether you did do something wrong. My bet is you didn’t do anything to ruin this situation – it wasn’t going any where. But just so you know for the future – what you did is considered “chasing men”. It’s best to not pursue a guy or hunt him down or call and call, even if you aren’t getting any answers. For your own self-esteem, when a man doesn’t follow through, let him go and walk away. This is how you maintain your dignity.
Just trying to get one date seems innocent, but you might have been overbearing. Either a man wants to see you or he doesn’t. You can’t make a man do anything by pressuring him. Just because you are really into a guy doesn’t mean he will feel the same way. So when things don’t work out, find a way to move on with grace. Unfortunately, pushing the issue will never work in your favor.
Hi Ronnie, I really really liked your article, giving us very sharp and clear opinions on flaky guys. Appreciated! I met a guy on a dating app. He was very responsive to my messages and seemed interested as we shared a lot in common. After 2 weeks, he asked me out this Wednesday after work. He made an effort to find a bar around the city centre where I worked – hard to find due to covid. We hit it off on the first date and spent 4 hours talking and laughing. I want a meaningful relationship and to settle down, so I want to take things slowly. He offered the vague date on Saturday night when we kissed goodbye. He went out Friday night and tried to recover from hangover Saturday during the day. No texts or responses from him, so I texted around noon just to ‘say hi’. He replied promptly saying recovering from hangover without mentioning the date. I texted again at 6pm to cancel the date. He replied quickly to apologise for the bad comms because of the hangover and joked a bit. I politely ‘joked’ back being a cool chick and said to have a good weekend. He did not offer another date. What do you think? Is it interested really in me? Is he a flaky guy? Thanks, Laura xx
Hi Laura, Men often say “I’ll call you,” at the end of a date because they don’t know what else to say. It’s awkward. His offer to have a date on Saturday night might have been just that. If he was serious, he would have set it up and responded sooner to your texts. So here’s my advice. 1) Don’t text a multiple times if he hasn’t responded. Not responding IS a response showing a lack of genuine interest regardless of the reason.
2) If there’s a vague date, even if you are hopeful, ignore it. Make other plans for yourself. If it turns out to be a real date, you can say, “Oh I didn’t hear from you so I made other plans.” This shows you are a busy woman in demand who has things to do. If he is genuinely interested, he will be sure to schedule a date next time if he really wants to see you.
3) Do you want to see a man who needs a day to recover from a hangover? Sounds like a bit of a problem there.
4) When I was looking for love, I had many wonderful one-night dates that left me wondering why there wasn’t another. This is totally normal. Somehow I didn’t fit the men’s idea of what they wanted, or they didn’t know what they wanted or they weren’t that serious about finding love, etc. Impossible to know. So I just kept meeting men and dating until I did find one who was consistent and we both liked each other.
So my last piece of advice is 5)Just keep meeting men – you’ll find a good one!
Thanks for the article. Had a guy over promising and under delivering. I’m moving on not interested in a man w/ no integrity
Hi Shelle, Not sure I understand but I’m glad you are taking care of yourself and moving on! However, I hope you aren’t seeing men at your home for first dates. Stay safe girlfriend.
So helpful ty!!
You are welcome Lonnie!
Thank you for this article.
You are welcome Dee!
This an awesome article, I have someone who tried to do the vague plans situation (I was pretty much his rebound for a long time before I came into my self confidence and started respecting myself) one time we talked on the phone (note we was on the phone until 5am) and he said he wants to hang out and go to a nature trail but didn’t give a time or anything and the next day (technically same day) he told me he had to work (I asked if he was working and he stated no). Our last conversation was him calling me boring because I wasn’t the same (meaning I wasn’t jumping and coming when he wanted me to and told him if he wants to do anything he needs to make plans), and he guess he would have to find someone else to have intimate time with and I said okay and told him I had to go??. It was very clear that he was pretty much in a relationship with the mother of his children (note they just had another child together). Thank goodness for self confidence and respect, you have a more peaceful life when it comes to dating and relationships.
Good for you Sade! I’m glad to hear you found your confidence and self respect!