Understanding Men: Why Didn’t He Just Breakup With Me?

Do you have trouble understanding men?

Do you wonder why men string you along or don’t breakup with you? You are not alone – this happens to a lot of women and to me! Read on so that you can avoid this situation in your love life.

Dear Ronnie – The Dating Coach,

I met a guy online who initiated conversation and we  hit it off right away.  We exchanged phone numbers and I let him text me first. He never pushed to meet me, but wanted to go on a date, even though he knew I was uncomfortable with online dating.

After two weeks, I finally agreed to meet  him and we made it through the awkward first meeting. We eventually hung out again 3 weeks later, he cooked me dinner, which was his idea and we had a really good time. He never tried anything, gave me a hug at the end of the night and that was that.

We hung out a few days after and ended up sleeping together. Mind you, we had texted each other everyday, for about a month and a half up to this point, with the conversations usually initiated by him. Then he went on vacation for a week and after that became distant. I  texted, but he said he going through a rough time with work and was thinking about moving back up north to his family. He felt bad and said this isn’t how he wanted things to work out and if he had known he would not have started with me.

He said he still wanted to see me, plans were made, but “something came up”.  The other day, after talking only twice in two weeks, I asked what was going on. He replied, sorry, I’m burying a friend tomorrow, but it was nice to meet you and hope you feel better. Of course I sent my condolences, and said that I enjoyed getting to know him, and sorry I didn’t get to know more.

He apologized, said he was just lost right now, and not to take it to heart. I explained that he could’ve just told me things were going on, etc.  I knew he had people to get him through it, but I would’ve been there. I got a ” You will never know what that means to me and we will hang out again. I’ve just been spending time with my family, but I will get back to socializing.”

I know I am being strung along, can’t figure out why he cant just end it, get over it and give me the closure, but maybe I just need someone to tell me. Thanks for your help.

Strung Along in Stratford

Dear Strung Along,

Please know that I don’t intend to sound mean. I’m telling you the truth since you said you need someone to tell you and help you find closure.

You may have trouble understanding men, but this guy did tell you at least twice if not more, that he wasn’t available, he felt lost and busy at work. When a man says, “I’m busy with work”, it means “I’m not that into you”. (Thanks to Gregg Berhandt author of the book He’s Just Not That Into You). When a man says he’s lost it means he’s not relationship ready. Neither one kept you from seeking him out, so then he told you he lost a friend and was hanging out with family. But still you wanted to know why he didn’t lean on you.

You also ask, “Why he didn’t just end things?” Truth is, he did in this indirect way. Many guys can’t deal with feeling mean. So they do what they can to make the woman end things. Unfortunately you didn’t catch on to his subtlety and kept going back for more.

As a dating coach for women over 40, my question to you is: Why didn’t you end things? This man slept with you, then slowed communication, told you he wanted to see you, but cancelled. Do you even know for sure he went on vacation? I hate to say it, but that could have been another excuse not to be involved.

Now, I know about this from my own life experience. My college boyfriend would pull away, then come back. Over a three year period he played me like a yoyo – and the worst part is, I let him do it. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t breakup with me, so I thought he must still love me. I didn’t love and respect myself enough to dump him until senior year. No one ever told me that this was not how love works and I deserved better treatment. I had to figure that out for myself.

It’s not enough to get help understanding men. You also want to get very clear on how you want to be treated. You deserve better!

If you read the post where you left this comment – it’s full of women complaining about men texting, but not asking them out. Texting is meaningless and very low effort for men. Men string women along with texting all the time because its an ego booster and good for fantasy, among loads of other reasons. And, because women think it has meaning.

Please consider these dating tips for the future:

• If a man texts you but doesn’t ask you out, stop texting him
• If his texts slow down, stop texting him
• If you prefer to talk on the phone, tell him and stop texting him
• Don’t confuse a man’s texting with showing genuine interest – he needs to date you and spend time with you
• If a man tries to push you away by saying he’s busy or lost or doesn’t want a relationship, believe him and move on
• Let go of men who are inconsistent with dates, spreading them out with weeks in between
• Hold off sleeping with men before you have enough dates to see some genuine interest and consistency

I don’t have any judgment about when people sleep together. For women to avoid heart break, it’s simply best to hold off a while. Sometimes women get prematurely attached after intimacy, especially when it happens in the first three dates which can lead to  unrealistic expectations and disappointment. Sometimes women think sleeping together means a man is truly interested, but it just means he wants to sleep with you.

As a dating coach for women, my heart goes out to you for having to learn so many difficult dating lessons with just one man. On the other hand, now you are so much wiser and know better. And that is great news for your romantic future and finding love.

Wishing you love,

Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. She put her skills from personal development and her spiritual path to work, dating 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to manifesting and midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late to help smart, successful women find love or live an empowered and magical life. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000s of midlife women with her Love & Magical Life Coach services. She’s the host of the Breathe Love & Magic podcast and has been featured on NBC, ABC, & Fox News, NPR, BBC, eHarmony, MSN.com, and Connecticut Magazine among others. Also, Ronnie is the author of 6 books which are available on Amazon.