Understanding Men: Why Aren’t We Getting Closer?

If you struggle with understanding men, this post about why things aren’t working out even though you like so many things about him will help.

understanding menUnderstanding Men and Why Things Don’t Progress

Dear Ronnie The Dating Coach for Women,

I’ve been seeing this guy now for over six months and I really like him. The time we spend together is very special to me. He has all the qualities I want in a man. He’s intelligent, kind, and has a great sense of humor. When we are together, his attention is focused all on me. When I’m with him, I just feel so alive inside and I definitely feel like we are soul mates.

The problem is,  after six months, I’d like to see more of him. Sometimes a couple of weeks go by without a peep out of him. Sometimes I see him every weekend, stay over and leave Monday morning. In between our time together,  he doesn’t communicate much. He doesn’t really like to talk on the phone and his texting is limited.

Sam is a busy entrepreneur, so he spends a lot of time working. He runs more than one business and oversees people too. When his mind is on work, there’s no talking to him. It seems like he can only do one thing at a time, which leaves me out of the loop when he’s in work mode.

We get along wonderfully and rarely fight. I don’t call him, but wait for him to reach out. Eventually he does get back in touch after one of his super busy times. I did once ask why I hadn’t heard from him, but he seemed irritated, so I dropped it.

I don’t know what to make of this, and part of me thinks I should just walk away. The other part of me really likes him since he meets all of my criteria for a great romantic partner. Please tell me, what do you think I should do?

Thanks for your help,
Tess in Florida

Dear Tess,

I can see you are in a quandary. I did notice something in your email that points to some confusion, so I want to address that first.

You say Sam has all the criteria you seek in a romantic partner. He is smart, is good to you when you are with him, and with that great sense of humor, he must make you laugh. I get the feeling you have a great time with him and feel deeply connected.

From a dating coach’s perspective, the confusion is about how you define your ideal mate. From what you have written, I see a gaping whole in an area that might not have made your list.  Does he have the same dating agenda as you do? Does he want what you want? Is he emotionally available and relationship ready?

Single women often leave these details out when they think of the perfect man for them. They focus instead on financial stability, education, attraction, similar interests, sense of humor, confidence, interest in the world, volunteer work, faith, sports and fitness, etc. Most of these are important qualities for a compatible mate for sure.

However, being relationship ready and wanting the same kind of relationship are fundamental, but often assumed and left off the list. Another major factor for compatibility and long-term potential is a willingness to communicate and to talk through situations to find mutual solutions.

You’ve been in this relationship based totally on what is convenient for Sam. His dating agenda appears to be a “no strings attached,” casual relationship that fits into small gaps in his work schedule which is #1 priority. As a dating coach, I would say you can usually expect to see more of a man who is serious about you after six weeks and if your relationship doesn’t get closer, that’s a sign he might not want to be closer.

In order to have a lasting, loving relationship, both people must want the same type of relationship. I am sorry to say you and Sam have very different ideas.  You don’t share the same vision of how the relationship should be. In addition, the one time you attempted to talk about it, you backed off right away. Without talking things through, you cannot hope to achieve the deeper relationship you seek.

This is why you feel confused and struggle with understanding men and Sam in particular. I know it’s hard to hear and likely hard to imagine that he doesn’t want what you want. I’m not saying he doesn’t care for you, but not the way you want. Now that I have explained the situation, I hope you can see the truth.

I’m not saying Sam is a bad guy or anything like that, but since he doesn’t show evidence of wanting the same kind of relationship as you do, that automatically makes him the wrong man. This is true no matter how many other check marks he gets for the qualities you seek in a romantic partner.

I hope you will have the strength to do what is best for you in the long run and let go of Sam. Once you recover and free up your heart, you can date again and look for a man who wants the same kind of close relationship that you want.

Here to Help with Understanding Men and Wishing you Love,

understanding men



Call me at 203-877-3777 for a free 15-minute conversation to discover how dating coaching can help you find love.

Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. So, she made a few tweaks and then dated 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late for Love to help other smart, successful women find love too! Her mission is to share her proven dating advice  and keen insights about men with women everywhere who are serious about finding love with the right man. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000’s of midlife women with her Love & Dating Coach services. She’s been featured on BBC’s 5 Live Radio, NBC, ABC, and Fox News, NPR, eHarmony, MSN.com, MORE.com, Connecticut Magazine among others around the world. An established author, you can find her 6 books on Amazon.

2 thoughts on “Understanding Men: Why Aren’t We Getting Closer?”

  1. Hi Ronnie, I met this guy at my work. He gave me his number and told me to call him. He would come visit me in the morning time at my work. When I asked when we can hang out. He told me to relax, he will ask me out, not now. So its been weeks, I have asked to hang out at least 4 times, he declined on all 4 different times. He told me when he first met me, that he liked my energy. Now I hardly hear from him and he doesnt come to my work anymore. Why did he give me his number?

    • Dee, it made him feel good for some reason to give you his number. But never ask a man out more than once. It’s embarrassing and you are chasing him. Never chase men – you will never get what you want that way. Who needs his game playing? He’s not into you so give him the cold shoulder and move on.

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