Understanding Men: This Is NOT True Love

Understanding men is not always easy.

understanding menBut, in this particular case, it’s more about understanding what this woman’s motivation is for staying with such a crumb of a guy who has so little to offer.

“Dear Ronnie-
I have known this guy for 12+ years. We started becoming closer friends about 6 years ago, then started hanging out and getting closer two years ago. We have been on and off sleeping together and occasionally going out together these past two years.

We text each other nearly every day since day one. We both have had other relationship issues, family, job, and stress issues in our lives. Let’s just say he is rough around the edges as I am myself.

I dated someone else for about 7 months yet still talked to Him. He showed signs of jealousy. For some reason I just can’t shake him. Although he knew I was with someone else I was honest with him about things, I finally told him we couldn’t talk anymore. He thought it was disrespectful.

Tell that relationship blew up and I contacted Him again afterwards. We started being physical,yet I think he was trying to pursue his last girlfriend, who is an older woman, possibly sugar mama, not sure. However I feel like he cannot be single and faithful. I ignore him for a few days and it drives him crazy. He ignores me for a few days and it drives me crazy.

Basically I want to know if he is with this other woman, what is doing with me? I am trying to cut him off se.x.ually for a month and I can tell it’s driving him nuts. See, I don’t want to be the other woman. And he needs to get his life together before I would even be with him. He doesn’t have his own place or car or a job right now. I know that’s hard on a man.

I am doing fairly well for myself and he seems jealous, yet he says he’s proud of me. I just feel like a piece of meat to him yet he “says he cares for me”. Am I wasting my time? Even though he doesn’t say it, when I’m with him I feel like he loves me.

I go on with my normal life and haven’t turned down others for dates, but have not found one I’m attracted to as much as I am attracted to him. I’ve just always felt for some reason he was the One. But he’s so wrapped up in his life style. Do I cut him out of my life completely? Please help me.

Confused in California”


Dear Confused,

Sorry to tell you this but your situation is not true love. If anything I would say you are addicted to him and he may be addicted to you as well. How can you imagine he is “The One” when he has no car, no job and no life? He doesn’t ask you out. He sleeps with you, but pursues other women. Is that how you deserve or want to be treated? I hope you answered “No!” when you read this.

Let me help you with understanding men – these are not the behaviors of a man in love.

I’m not sure why he is still with you. That is not my concern. As a dating coach for women,  I only care about why you are still choosing him? Perhaps you are confusing love with intimacy – that does happen more often than you think. Ask yourself if this could be possible.

No man can compare with a man you are addicted to. What other explanation can you have for still sleeping with him besides self-destructive behavior? Holding on to your fantasy that he is “The One” will never allow you to find the man who really is right for you.

There is only one choice here if you desire a healthy, loving relationship. Stop this now. Cut him off. And cut yourself off from contacting him, thinking about him, sleeping with him and wishing for him to be the right a man for you. He is not.

After 2 years of this on again, off again routine, he shows no signs of becoming a genuine partner. He is not capable – as you said – his life is a mess. When it comes to understanding men, you can see he is troubled.

You are correct when you said you know how hard this lack of stability and success can be on a man’s ego. Perhaps being with many women gives his ego the boost he needs. The reason doesn’t really matter. The only thing that matters is this is anything but a healthy, happy, loving relationship.

Free up your heart. Do the healing you need. You may want to seek the help of a good counselor to figure out why you are so drawn to a man offering you so little. Shore up your own self esteem. Then when you are ready, go out to find the lasting, healthy love you deserve.

Wishing you love,

dating coach, find love, meet men




Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. So, she made a few tweaks and then dated 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late for Love to help other smart, successful women find love too! Her mission is to share her proven dating advice  and keen insights about men with women everywhere who are serious about finding love with the right man. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000’s of midlife women with her Love & Dating Coach services. She’s been featured on BBC’s 5 Live Radio, NBC, ABC, and Fox News, NPR, eHarmony, MSN.com, MORE.com, Connecticut Magazine among others around the world. An established author, you can find her 6 books on Amazon.

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