Understanding Men: He Flirts with Me at the Gym

It’s not easy understanding men and how they think. This reader is confused about a guy she sees at the gym who doesn’t ask her out. I’m going to make this really simple to help with understanding how men think.

understanding menDecoding Men and Why They Don’t Ask You Out

Dear Dating Coach Ronnie,

I’ve been interested in a guy at the gym for 8 months. We see each other several times a week, working out at the same time. In fact, I’ve made it a point to coincide with him and thought for a long time he’d ask me out, but he hasn’t.

Recently things have “escalated”. We’ve discovered we have tons of things in common. We are a really good match. He admitted that he has strong feelings for me and is very much attracted. We text a lot, but he hasn’t asked me out.

Last week, he went on vacation and when back, some woman tagged him in FB photos. I’m guessing the two went together on this trip. In investigating, I found out she knows his parents and their children are friends. I suspect  they are good friends possibly turned lovers?

He’s still been texting sweetly again, but since seeing those FB posts, I’ve avoided being at the gym with him, except for yesterday. Others told me he wanted to know why I wasn’t there – so I was missed. Maybe he’s seeing this woman at the same time?

Yes, I’ve fallen for him hard and find myself getting angry that he won’t ask me out. Since seeing those photos, I feel heart-broken. While I’ve continued to socialize with other guys, I hate that this has gone on so long and at this point, I feel I should make it a point to NOT be at the gym when he is.

My feelings are building and I think next chance I am just going to have to bring it all out and ask him about her & why he won’t ask me out. I really don’t think he’s the type to be hurting me on purpose. What else do I do at this point besides avoid him at the gym and what do I say when he asks why he no longer sees me there?

Please respond with your thoughts about what’s really going on and what I should do now.
Thank you!
Heartbroken in Houston

Dear Heartbroken,

I”m so sorry to say you have fallen into this man’s trap, believing you are in a relationship when you have never been on a single date. Since this guy worked out at the gym with you and texted you, you took that to mean he was interested in more. But, he’s got a woman in his life as you discovered on Facebook. I know this might sound harsh, but he’s not seeing her too – he’s WITH HER and NOT you. If he was seeing you both, you’d be going on dates.

He finds you attractive, and enjoys flirting and texting, but since he has a girlfriend, he’s not going to ask you out. And he’s not a quality man because he told you he has strong feelings for you but has a girlfriend. This is dishonest and manipulative. He’s leading you on and he knows it.

While you say you’ve socialized with other men, this guy owns your heart. So the truth is, you haven’t really been open to other men, which is a shame.

I agree with you – don’t go to the gym when he’s there.  If you talk to him about this, he may fess up or deny it, but either way, it doesn’t matter. He is not a quality man and as a result, not the right man for you .

It’s time to move on and open up to meeting other, better men. Avoid hanging on when a guy doesn’t ask you out. If a man flirts or texts for more than two weeks without a date, move on. If you have one or two dates and then he’s too busy to see you, move on. Don’t allow yourself to fall for any man who doesn’t take you out on real dates because that is a man who is not serious about getting into a relationship.

It’s time to learn about understanding how men think and the games they play. Sometimes a man is just doing the best he can to get his needs met, but other times like this case, a man is being underhanded and know it’s wrong.

You deserve to be with a man who pursues you, asks you out, takes you on dates, and spends time outside the gym. Join an online dating site and start dating again. The right man for you is out there. Learn everything you can about understanding men and decoding men so you don’t fall for this kind of player tactic again.

Wishing you love,

understanding men

Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. So, she made a few tweaks and then dated 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late for Love to help other smart, successful women find love too! Her mission is to share her proven dating advice  and keen insights about men with women everywhere who are serious about finding love with the right man. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000’s of midlife women with her Love & Dating Coach services. She’s been featured on BBC’s 5 Live Radio, NBC, ABC, and Fox News, NPR, eHarmony, MSN.com, MORE.com, Connecticut Magazine among others around the world. An established author, you can find her 6 books on Amazon.

2 thoughts on “Understanding Men: He Flirts with Me at the Gym”

  1. Thank you for sharing this. Great question and great guidance. I’ve created this trap also. I fell hard for a guy at work…we had great conversation, flirted, and he ALMOST asked me out one day at work. The words came out, and he stopped mid-sentence. After a year of flirting and his co workers trying to hook us up, we went on a business dinner together. I knew that during this dinner…either something would happen or I would know there was no future.

    He revealed to me, while we were laughing over wine, that he had recently gone on a date and it wasn’t awkward. After he said it, he studied my expressions closely and said that I would find someone nice. A piece of me felt that he wanted to hurt my feelings. I cried for a couple days and moved on.

    I appreciate this advice because I can’t be a victim. No matter how much he flirted with me or made his co workers think something was going on, he never asked me out (at least outside of work) or pursued anything with me. He was just flirting and also leading me on, but I let him.

    Now I’ve learned that unless a guy asks me out, consistently keeps in touch with me and works to progress the relationship forward, it’s nothing I should even think twice about. He’s just doing his thing, and I should keep it moving.


    • Good for you Desiree that you have seen the light! Now this won’t happen again and you won’t waste time on a guy who flirts but never asks you out. Wishing you love, Ronnie

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