Understanding Men: He Doesn’t Ask Me Out

Sometimes understanding men is not so easy. You may find their words and actions confusing (Trust me they think we are pretty confusing too.) In this post I share my super easy advice to help you sort out why they look, flirt or text, but don’t ask you out.

Understanding MenWhy Does He Look at Me, But Not Much More?

“Hi Ronnie:

Here is my situation. There is a man at work that has gone out of his way to see me when I am there. For example, I was in another department and he made his way to where I was and nodded. Secondly, I was in the other building and he was in the hallway where I was. I had to go to another room and he followed me there. However, he made it as if he were checking to see if the doors were locked. The doors were right next to the room I went to. I’ve tried to talk to him, but he gives me one word answers.

Can I have your dating advice on this situation please?

Hi Mattie

This man obviously finds you attractive. However, that doesn’t mean he wants to date you.

This is one of the hardest things for single women to understand. Why would a man make an effort to see you or flirt if he wasn’t interested? Why would a man text or call if he didn’t want to date you? These questions about why men show interest but do not follow through cause more angst than almost any other  type of question. And it’s the kind I get most frequently from women who need help with understanding men.

To really get this, it’s time to separate a man’s attraction to you from his desire to date you. These are NOT the same thing. Neither is his interest a guarantee that he wants to get romantic. Sometimes it’s just fun to admire you or talk to you  or flirt with you. Sometimes its just fun to fantasize about what could be if things were different for him.

So the best thing you can do when you encounter one of these men who look bu don’t ask you out is to remember to separate these two concepts. His interest, curiosity or admiration does not directly indicate his desire to date you or start a relationship.

For example, if this guy was genuinely interested in dating you, he would respond with more than one word to your gracious opening. You are doing the right thing by making yourself approachable. But when a man doesn’t take advantage of how easy you are making it for him, in case he’s just shy, drop it and move on.

The last thing you want to do is waste your time convincing some man to date you. That is what turns into heart break. You don’t want a man that you need to convince. The best possible scenario for love is when a man, on his own initiative takes the steps to pursue you. that is the sign you are looking for to judge a man’s intentions.

Of course, more is needed to really know how he feels about you. it takes time and consistency. You want a man who contacts you regularly – at least once or twice a week and sees you that much as well. Things do build, but if a man doesn’t see you at last once a week, I’d recommend walking away. His dating agenda is probably not for a committed relationship but more like something casual.

So, when it comes to understanding men and their motivation, this man may enjoy looking at you, but perhaps he has a woman. Or he doesn’t want to date right now. Or he is psychotically shy – not a great option either if you ask me.

Here’s what you can do with this situation to use it to your advantage. Allow his attention and admiration to spur you on and build confidence. After all, he is proof positive that you are an attractive woman. Then take that confidence and go meet some guys to find one who has the confidence to ask you out and date you.

Don’t waste time on guys who look, text, flirt or call but don’t ask you out. Your time is precious. Use it to find the love you want rather than waste it on a man who is not pursuing you and seeking to win you  over to be his love. That’s my expert dating advice to help with understanding men.

Wishing you love,

understanding men




Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. So, she made a few tweaks and then dated 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late for Love to help other smart, successful women find love too! Her mission is to share her proven dating advice  and keen insights about men with women everywhere who are serious about finding love with the right man. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000’s of midlife women with her Love & Dating Coach services. She’s been featured on BBC’s 5 Live Radio, NBC, ABC, and Fox News, NPR, eHarmony, MSN.com, MORE.com, Connecticut Magazine among others around the world. An established author, you can find her 6 books on Amazon.

10 thoughts on “Understanding Men: He Doesn’t Ask Me Out”

  1. Hi Ronnie.
    Thank you for answering I guess at the end. I’m the one who’s going to get hurt even though I feel attracted to him and he seems to feel the same Is the fact that he never asked for my phone number. Means that he just wants one thing ?

  2. A question I met a married man. He tells me one day he’s gonna run away with me. N wants to know when am I going to let something happen between us,he never asked me for my phone number. We only see each other whenever we are at the store at the same time. What I am suppose to think of this?

    • Hi Elena,
      You want to know what to think of a married man propositioning you? You probably should think he’s a lying, cheating bum who doesn’t deserve your attention. He wants to imagine a little fantasy of running away with you to add some excitement and naughtiness to his life. I suppose that’s not the worst thing in life but I bet you can do better than the likes of him.

  3. I met a guy 2 weeks ago. He calls like everyday and he claims he wants a serious relationship. I have to admit I found him physically attractive when we met but I’m not really impressed with his conversation on the phone. He seems to be trying so hard to convince me that I’m the one. However he has yet to ask or discuss taking me out. He once asked me to go for a walk in the park with him which I turned down because I’m not wasting any energy into getting dress to meet for what I don’t consider a proper date. I just told him I had other plans. Even though I’m not really feeling him I thought maybe if we at least saw each other again I could make a fair and informed decision. So with that said how long after meeting a man should you expect to be asked on a date?

    • Hi Telly,
      I’m curious why you would be interested in a man who calls everyday but you don’t enjoy the conversations? In the future, don’t bother with men who don’t fit your needs just because they say you are the one. Ask yourself if is he the one for you.

      There are men who go on and on about how you are the one because they know this is what women want to hear. So they think they are hooking you with this nonsense. There are only a few reasons why a man would say you are the one but not ask you for a date. He doesn’t have a dime, isn’t who he says he is or he’s married. So, the answer to your question is if you haven’t had a real date within a week to 10 days, move on. He’s just leading you on and wasting your time.

      Men who text or call all the time, but don’t go on dates are not emotionally available. They can handle a virtual relationship but not the real thing. Or he can’t be seen in public with another woman but he can get away with the fantasy of you on the phone.

      I’m sure you can find better so keep mingling!

  4. Hey Ronnie,

    I have a question. I knew this a guy where I worked who was attractive. He would smile and make small talk. He really flirted and it seemed that he liked me. But time went by and he never asked me out. At the mall one day I saw him and said hello. He joked with me, then suddenly said “Go home” like he didn’t want me to follow him. He told me he quit the job, but didn’t get my number to stay in touch. Why did he flirt like crazy if he didn’t want to see me and tell me to go home?

  5. Okay Mickey – yes there are women who do are unfriendly or stuck up. Maybe you are aiming too high – it does happen. On the flip side there are plenty of men who exhibit the behavior I wrote about in this post.This woman opened a conversation and he RAN. So clearly he’s not interested which is totally his prerogative. I was just explaining to her why this might happen.

    To answer your question – Why should a man stick his neck out anymore? Well if he wants to be in a relationship with a woman, he has no other choice. Rejection is a part of dating that men and women go through. How many smack downs do you have to take? As many as needed until you meet the right person.

    So if you want to be alone – keep up with that bitter attitude. Apparently it’s working for you

  6. Hi Ronnie.
    I promised a while back that I wouldn’t bother you, but this is just too good to pass up. So let me throw this by you:

    When the allegedly “fair sex:”
    1) Are at the bar laughing with their equally stuck-up friends at some guy who approached them, or

    2) Take turns cursing the guy out, or

    3) Throw a drink in his face, or

    4) Possibly all of the above…

    Why should he stick his neck out anymore? And how many smackdowns does he have to take before throwing in the sponge?


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