Understanding Men: 7 Clues He’s Not Thinking Long-Term

Get help understanding men – Want to know if the man you’re dating is thinking long-term about you? Here’s my dating advice on the clues that let you know if he’s really into you.

understanding men, dating advice for womenUnderstanding Men and Their Long-Term Plans

You’re dating this great guy and when you’re together, it’s fantastic. Your man is attentive, generous, and engaging. He treats you well and you have a lot of fun. But the time between dates makes you wonder about his intentions and where things are going. Hey, you’re a single woman and that’s normal right?

Well, yes and no. There are some specific signs that the man you’re dating might not be as into you as you hope. Check out these seven telltale clues to figure out if your man is thinking long-term about you.

7 Clues to Know If You’re in His Future


1) He talks about the future, but doesn’t get closer to commitment.

A lot of men will talk about the future, bringing it up without your prompting. Women often interpret this as a good sign. You think if he talks about the future on his own, it must mean he wants you there with him. Well, not exactly.

Sometimes guys just like to talk about the future because it’s fun. So they talk about the plans and things you could do together. Too often this is just talk and nothing more. Men know women like to plan, so it’s also a way to please you without doing anything. Talk is cheap. What truly matters is follow through. Does he act on his plans like buying concert tickets, planning a weekend getaway, etc.?

If he talks a good game but, never acts on these ideas, he’s probably not serious about a relationship with you. Don’t make the mistake thinking his idle chit chat indicates genuine interest. It doesn’t. Confusion sets in when you try to balance what he says with what he does. Let his actions speak for him and take your clues from there – that helps the most with understanding men.

2) He is always spontaneous.

Does the guy your dating usually call you at the last minute? This is a dead giveaway that he’s not a planner and calls only when you come to mind. That’s a clue he’s not thinking about you often enough to be interested in building a long-term relationship. He’s the kind of guy who fits you in when he has time or calls with something he wants to do with a woman.

When it comes to understanding men, a man who is thinking about a future with you plans ahead. He’s not just thinking about what would be fun in the moment. He wants to spend time getting to know you better because you’ve captured his attention.

3) He’s super busy with work or his kids.

Yeah, we’re all busy. But when a man is serious about you, he will MAKE TIME to see you come hell or high water as the saying goes. This is nothing more than a thin excuse to keep your expectations high and his commitment low. He may be a great father or a very successful doctor, but he’s showing you that you’ll never be his top priority.

If playing second string is not OK with you, then I advise you to move on. When it comes to understanding men, they often demonstrate exactly what they’re thinking if you can just step back and observe objectively.

4) He hasn’t introduced you to his friends or family.

This is a HUGE clue. A man who is excited to be with you and plan a future, wants to show you off. That means within two to three months, he’ll be introducing you to his friends and his family. This is how a man brings you into his world.

If your guy wants to spend all of his time alone with you because it’s more romantic, be suspicious. He might be seeing another woman who is involved in his life or not want anything too serious. Meeting friends and family is a right of passage in a relationship and is not something to take lightly.

Meeting his children is a bit different and this could take longer. Unless there are extenuating circumstances, if you don’t meet his kids by the six month mark, my dating advice for women is to address that directly with him. Otherwise, you might remain his best kept secret and never become anything more.

5) His attention is waning.

When you first started seeing your man, he was in touch regularly. He texted daily, called every few days and saw you once or twice a week. Then for some reason, he started to slow down on dates. He keeps up with the texting and calls on occasion. But the time between dates starts to grow and you only have a couple of dates per month.

While it’s true that the start of dating is the most exciting, if your dates become sparse, that’s a clue that he’s not into you anymore. Again my dating advice for women is to let go and find a man who continues to show strong interest or wants to spend time with you.

6) He’s critical versus encouraging.

Occasionally you date a man who loves everything about you at first, but slowly he starts to be critical. Maybe he doesn’t like your dress, says your hair looked better the other way or your attention to current events needs work. Whatever brings out his critical nature, he’s not being supportive or encouraging.

Constant criticism cuts into your confidence and self-esteem. The right man for you knows you have a few flaws, but loves you anyway. He doesn’t insult you in front of others by making disparaging comments. He may, on a rare occasion take you aside and mention something thinking he is being helpful, but this is rare.

This is a biggie when it comes to understanding men; If the man you ‘re dating constantly criticizes, you can do without him. Cut your losses and look for a more loving and supportive partner. Life is too short for anything less.

7) He doesn’t include you in his everyday life.

When you find the right man, he wants to share his life with you; the good and the not so good. He calls to celebrate his victories. He seeks out your suggestions because he knows you’re smart and can offer another perspective. He values your opinion when it comes to making a big decision.

If the man you’re dating keeps you in the dark about his everyday life, that is not a good sign about a future together. If this level of give and take is not growing in your relationship, that’s a sure sign he’s not thinking long-term about you. I recommend that you move on to find a man who can be open enough to include you in his daily life.

That’s my dating advice to help you with understanding men and determining if your guy is thinking about you long-term.

If you want more insight into dating over 40 get my free book, 7 Dire Dating Mistakes that Will Keep You Single

Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. She put her skills from personal development and her spiritual path to work, dating 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to manifesting and midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late to help smart, successful women find love or live an empowered and magical life. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000s of midlife women with her Love & Magical Life Coach services. She’s the host of the Breathe Love & Magic podcast and has been featured on NBC, ABC, & Fox News, NPR, BBC, eHarmony, MSN.com, and Connecticut Magazine among others. Also, Ronnie is the author of 6 books which are available on Amazon.

47 thoughts on “Understanding Men: 7 Clues He’s Not Thinking Long-Term”

  1. Hello, My boyfriend of 7 years will never ever spend the night with me in my bed nor let me in his bed. He says it is because of his health and his sleep. I don’t buy it. It is not because of religious reasons either. When I told him I couldn’t take it anymore and that he was giving me a silent ultimatum. That I am doing all of the compromising and he isn’t at all. I am so hurt and confused by all of this. Please help me understand.

    • Hi Karen, I’m sorry this is so distressing for you. However, it’s hard for me to advise because besides him not staying the night, where else do you need to compromise? If there is a big laundry list, then it might be time to make a decision about your relationship. Perhaps he’s not the right man? Maybe you see this as a symptom of how he withholds love from you? And, if it’s just him staying over, then you have to decide if all the good about him outweighs this disappointment. Only you can decide. There are plenty of happy couples who sleep in separate bedrooms for the same reason he states – good sleep. And if that is not to your liking, which is certainly your prerogative, maybe you’ve had enough after 7 years and prefer to move on. I wish you the best with your decision. Be true to yourself is my best advice.

  2. O have been with my partner for 11years and we live together. Hr now tells me that we dont do anything together and thate all we talk about is family and work. He has been going out with friends weekly after work always different ones that I have never meet. He says he is going to councelling and talks about our relationship. Should I just call it a day

    • Sounds like a plan Older Gal – seems like he’s “stepping out on you” anyway, making up excuses and not very committed.

  3. I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months now…I love spending time with him and I think he does too. we are currently doing our exams so he is verrrry busy with that but the other day we had an argument and he said I was rushing into things when I joke about getting married and kids etc. as well as that we never know whats going to happen.I have met half of his family and they all love me and I really cant imagine a world without him.We will be going to uni in a few months which means we wont be at the same one. Even though I have asked him about what we will do in uni he said we will figure a way out together. He also does make a lot of effort when he does but I just feel like im more committed than he is, do you think its just because he is focused a lot on his exams rather than me, or am I just temporary for him ? He did say that he wouldn’t have shown me his family and did everything together with them if he wasn’t serious but im just really worried…

    • Hi Elfida, You may not want to hear this but a lot can happen while away at school. it might be too soon for your boyfriend to commit long term when he doesn’t know what his life will look like once his education has been completed and he gets a job. If you pressure him at this point, it seems like that could push him away. I don’t think there is much you can do about it. So, focus on living in the present and enjoy what is with him rather than getting ahead of yourself.

  4. I met this guy on a dating app and initially, he asked tons of questions and seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me. After a month, we met up. It was a good first date, and we decided to meet again. During our second date (the next week), we hooked up. It was amazing. Prior to hooking up, he told me he’s looking for a committed long-term relationship, but isn’t against hooking up while looking. And his past hookups sometimes evolve into relationships. I agreed to hook up because I wanted to and thought it could progress into something more. After, we both agreed more dates would be fun – this made me believe we were heading in the dating direction. The problem is his texting is now sporadic, sometimes taking days and he’s no longer curious about me. I always text first and mention meeting up. Even if he plans to meet, he’s never specific, regularly forgets and doesn’t text say he cannot make it. Our recent encounters suggest he lost interest but I’d like to see where this can go. I have never been in this situation before, so I would really like some advice about what I should do.

    • Hi Jane, I am so sorry to tell you he’s a player. He asked all those questions, acted interested and talked about his goal of a long-term relationship to make you feel safe about him. Hearing about his actions since, you realize he’s lost interest. He got what he wanted but isn’t cutting things off yet. Maybe he wants the option to sleep with you again. Don’t feel bad – you had a great experience with him and it was fun – that has value! In the future, since you are disappointed, don’t believe what a man tells you. Hold off and watch his behavior. What does he do to get to know you and see you in person before he sleeps with you. You need several dates maybe 5-6 or even more to know a man is serious about you. The purpose of waiting is not because of what he might think about you. It’s so you don’t get your heart broken. You might want to read this post on recognizing a player and this one about why a man makes vague dates.

  5. I am in a long distance relationship (2 hours away) and have been dating a man for 2.5 years. He broke up with me 5 months ago (tried to date other women but didn’t get anywhere) and we got back together. I am always there when he needs me, but he’s not always there for me… His friends are demanding of his time. One day he’ll say I am his one and he knows we will be together one day but doesn’t know where. The next month he’ll say he doesn’t know what the future holds cause he can’t make decisions for the future… We have both been married before LONG term (over 15 years each) and didn’t have the best marriage on either side. He knows where I stand _ he is who I want, but I can’t get a straight answer out of him. We have been fighting a lot more because I’m scared of getting hurt. I asked him to let me know if he sees me as his forever or if not- let me go…He won’t do either. I just want a straight answer and don’t want to waste more time if he’s not committed. Any advise?

    • Hi IslandGirl, I hate to say it but, no answer IS an answer. Even his best answer is LAME, being his only one but not sure where. After 2.5 years, it’s safe to say he has no intention of committing anything and his demanding friends thing is pure excuse on his part. So, if you want a committed relationship and lasting love with a man, it’s time to cut your losses and find a man who wants that too. This guy has had two years to claim you and has proved he’s not the ONE for you.

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