Tag Archives: understanding men

Dating Tips for Women- I Asked Him Out and He Said No!

He flirted with you but never asked you out? My dating tips for women recommend enjoying the flirting, but not to take it seriously. This gal asked a man out who flirted with her and here’s what happened

Get Dating Tips for Women

dating tips for womenDear Love & Dating Coach Ronnie,

I feel like such a fool. I have been talking with this guy at the gym. He  trains when I am there and a couple of months ago we had our first chat, talking about how we both had kids. A few days later, he asked what my husband thought of me being at the gym a lot. I said I was a single mum which is why I thought he was keen on me.

As the weeks passed we’ve chatted a lot and he asked me questions about myself, job, life and what days I go to the gym. One day I disappeared talking to some friends and he came looking for me! Then, I wondered why he doesn’t ask for my phone number or ask me out? Maybe he thinks I am not into him?

I Asked Him Out!

This is why I’m hoping for some of your dating tips for women. Today, when I saw him in the gym, I casually suggested he come to see me where I work to have a drink some time. I was disappointed with his answer, as he says he isn’t drinking at the moment. Then we carried on talking in general.

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I feel like such a fool that I asked him out. Even if he isn’t drinking, he could have still gone out with me. I really thought he liked me. He gave me so many signs like asking if I was single and going out of his way to say hello. Now I feel like a big fool and of course I will be seeing him every time I go to the gym.

Why Did He Show Interest?

I don’t understand why he was showing all the signs of liking me, but when it came down to arranging a date he turned me down. What your view is on this?

Thanks for your help and all your great dating tips for women,
Stuck at the Gym with Him”

Basic Dating Tips for Women

Dear Stuck,

I understand how confusing and frustrating this kind of things is. He certainly did show all the signs, except the most important one – he never took the step to ask you out.

Taking matters into your own hands wasn’t such a bad idea. He seemed into you, so I totally get why you suggested a drink. Who knows why he didn’t offer an alternative. That makes me think he is seeing someone or doesn’t feel ready to date right now for whatever reason.

Nothing Wrong with Asking Once

You took a chance because he wasn’t making the move.  Even though he said no, so what? No big deal. You have nothing to be embarrassed about! He’s the one who had been chasing you around the gym and then bowed out when the opportunity to see you was offered. One of my dating tips fro women is to let things go rather than waste time fretting.

What to Do Next

You can stay away from him at the gym or change the time you workout. Another options is to continue talking to him if that’s still enjoyable. You know the score now – he’s not going to ask you out on a date. So, the choice is yours.

The best thing about what you did is that you only asked him once. Sometimes women continue to ask, never allowing the man to initiate and then complain about that later. This situation does give you some insight into what men go through asking women out doesn’t it? Rejection isn’t fun for anyone.

Don’t Be Hard on Yourself

I think you were brave. In the future, if a man starts flirting with you but two weeks go by and no dates, make yourself scarce. I’m not saying this will make him step up – but at least you won’t be building up hope that a man’s flirting actually means something.

My dating tips for women explain how the hardest part about an experience like this is understanding that a man can find you attractive and flirt with you, but still not want to date you. Sometimes the flirting is all he wanted to feel good about himself, boost his ego or pass the time. Flirting can be a lot of fun!

So if some guy flirts with you all the time, but never asks you out, don’t attach meaning to his interactions. You can still flirt with him, just don’t think it’s going to lead anywhere.

 

Ready to attract a quality man? Listen to my program 5 Surefire Ways to Attract a Quality Man

Should I Call A Guy & Other Dating Questions Women Want Answered

Can you call a guy or is that a bad idea?There are a number of dating questions like “Should I call him?” that women want answered and that’s what I’ll do in this post.

should you call a guyShould I Call Him?

You met this great guy at a friend’s party or some networking event and really hit it off big time. You exchanged numbers, but now three days have gone by and you haven’t heard from him. Honestly, you find this a bit surprising. So, the thought comes to mind rather naturally, should I call him?

This is question that women struggle with at every age and across the globe. What’s the best way to handle this situation where you felt a strong connection, yet nothing is happening? You may even think being a modern woman that there’s no big deal today about calling a man.

The women who wrote the book, The Rules had plenty to say on this topic. From a traditional standpoint, the authors are emphatically against making the call. They would say no way should you call a guy. Ever.

When Is It OK To Call Him?

Honestly I don’t advise calling men as a rule either.  Women who do this tend to get very frustrated and feel like they are doing all the work in the relationship. And it’s true – they ARE. That’s the very reason I recommend NOT to call a guy.

Sometimes, you feel like if you don’t call, you are gong to totally burst or lose it somehow. OK then, if you must go ahead and call a guy ONCE. You can reach out and leave a fun flirty message, just don’t ask him why he hasn’t called. or that you were waiting for this call. You don’t want to look desperate and often initiating can make you appear that way. So whatever you say, keep it light and fun.

How A Man Gets Invested In You

What you REALLY need to know is how a man gets invested in you. To understand men, first you need to realize that much of dating is still based in our DNA and that is ancient. Dating behavior in men has not completely caught up to gender equality in many societies.

Things have improved is a bit in Scandinavian countries where gender equality has really taken hold. And in the USA for the under 30 crowd, gender roles are bit more balanced and progressive.  But for men over 40, your best strategy is to go traditional and let the man lead.

The Chase Is Like the Hunt

Hearkening back to the hunter-gatherer period in human history, men hunted to feed their family and the tribe. This is in our DNA as evidenced by the fact that today men still have better long distance vision than women. This was so they could hunt well and bring home the meat for basic survival.

On the other hand, women have better peripheral vision to gather food and watch the children. So, these skill sets are not learned as much as coded into each of us. That’s why men like to pursue women. Since they don’t need to hunt for food to survive, they enjoy sports and pursuing women. And that is how a man gets invested in you.

Why You Don’t Want to Call

Let’s take a good look at how this works. Let’s say you call a guy because you haven’t heard from him after your first encounter. He sounds happy to hear from you which is great! You talk about getting together and he says he’ll get back to you with a date ad time. Perfect.

A week goes by and you haven’t heard from him again. You wonder, “Should I call him? I already called him once.” But what the heck, you decide to give it another shot. The good news is he’s happy to hear from you and sets up the date. After a fabulous date you are really excited. But time ticks by and again he hasn’t called. Now what?

This is now a pattern. You call him and he’s happy but he makes no move on his own. Is this a man seriously interested n you? NO WAY! He might respond when you call, but it’s all on your girlfriend. And that is NOT a good sign if you want lasting love.

Men Want to Win You Over

Once you set up a pattern, it’s next to impossible to change. So don’t even get started. Or promised yourself you won’t call more than once, ever. Then keep that promise no matter who you meet or how great he seems.

Going back to DNA, men want to pursue you and win you over. This is why I always say the chase is still alive. When you are not overly available, (i.e. not doing all the work, contacting him and setting up dates,), he gets invested in winning you over. You become a challenge and so he wants to see it through to win you over and claim you as his.

I know this is shockingly archaic, but that’s how it is over 40. men between 30 and 40 may vary, some being more traditional and some being more hip so that’s a tough age range. But over 40, they are still coming from this place.

Will You Let Him Win?

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Now that you understand what is going on, will you still call a guy? Or will you wait to see if he calls you? Because if a man doesn’t call you, you have to come to grips with the fact that he wasn’t that into you. Even if you had the strongest connection in the moment, and hot chemistry it just wasn’t enough.

He might not want a girlfriend, he might have a girlfriend, he might be too busy for a girlfriend or even to date you.  Or any number of other reasons why he never picked up the phone and called to say hi or ask you out.

Learn to lean back as they say and allow him to be the man. Either he’ll want to be in touch, or he won’t. But you’ll never embarrass yourself by not calling him. If you want to learn more, you can read my post on the Ballroom Theory of Dating.

When Should I Call Him?

After you’ve had 6-8 dates within 6 weeks or so, then things change a bit and you can call once for every three calls he makes. This is just a guideline. You still want to give the man space.

Or you can “mirror” what he does. Certainly call back when he reaches out or texts. And you can take turns so after he calls and you talk or call back, you can reach out the next time. I still vote for less being better. Just don’t go over what he does because chances are he might easily get uncomfortable or worse, turned off.

What If He Just Stops Calling?

If a man you went on a few dates with stops calling, then he’s lost interest. Don’t take this to heart. He might not know what he wants, might not be ready for a relationship or might have decided the two of you are not a match. Better than investing months and finding out later.

Ghosting is common, but the truth is – this has always been the way.  When I was dating to find love, most of the 30 men went on only one date with me and were never herd from again. That’s why you want to date more than one man at a time – to hedge your bets and keep dating until you find a man who sticks around.

 

If you want more about how to attract a quality high-caliber man, listen to my Free audio program 5 Surefire Ways to attract a Quality Man

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Is He Still On The Dating Website?

why is he still on the dating websiteIf He Likes Me, Why Is He Still Online Dating? Good Question.

Having trouble understanding men and wondering why is he still on the dating website? Here’s how I answered this reader’s question about how men think and why they do this.

Help With Understanding Men and Dating

“Dear Love & Dating Coach Ronnie,

You give great advice and I’m hoping you can help. I met online and have been dating him for about a month. Things were great and I really like him – he has everything that’s on my list.

He is on the dating site frequently – multiple times a day. Sometimes, he’d be online after our dates or even while I was on my way to our date. Why is he still on the dating website?

When we were together, he was very sweet and totally into me. He listened, paid attention and was very affectionate to me. This is a perfect example of why I have trouble understanding men – I couldn’t figure out why, if he likes me, is he still online dating?

I Flat Out Asked Him

He got defensive and gave excuses,  saying it was way too early for this conversation. He told me we should head our separate ways and I haven’t heard from him since. I apologized and told him I wasn’t trying to force him into a relationship, just wanting to know what was going on.

It’s hard to stop thinking about him and only three days have passed since we’ve spoken. Maybe I ruined everything and I don’t know what to do? Please – I need help understanding men. Some of your great dating advice for women would be so helpful right now.

Thanks so much,
Bummed in Brooklyn”

Talk about Exclusivity

Dear Bummed,

While it seems like asking why is he still on the dating website is a reasonable question, to him it felt like you were asking about exclusivity. A month is a bit early for that. I recommend not talking about exclusivity until you’re ready to sleep with a man – I’m not sure if you had already done that.

This is a tough one because according to experts like Patti Stanger, The Millionaire Matchmaker from Bravo TV, she says never sleep with a guy until you’re exclusive. But, not every woman wants to wait or follow that rule.

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I get why you just wanted to understand. You think,.”If he likes me, why is he still on the dating sites?” It’s a reasonable question to pop into your mind. This behavior would make any woman curious.

The Secret to Understanding Men

Knowing that he’s constantly trolling for women tells you something about him. It tells you he’s into variety and checking out all his options. There’s nothing wrong with that. But it demonstrates he’s not thinking about settling down any time soon. Observing a man’s behavior is the secret to understanding men.

You can’t just look at what a man says or how he acts while he’s with you. You have to consider him as a total package. When his words and actions don’t match or  his behaviors don’t seem consistent, pay attention. That’s an important piece information about who he really is.

He’s Not Ready

As a love and dating coach,  I can be more objective in understanding men because my heart is not invested. So I know he’s not ready for exclusivity. He doesn’t want to settle down or doesn’t want a girlfriend.

As a woman, your task is to observe a man’s behavior to learn about him. You don’t even need to ask a direct question to learn about him. Can you see what I mean?

You wonder if you ruined things with this man by asking. Nope, not this guy. He was too quick to cut things off. Maybe with another man, asking about exclusivity too soon could scare him.  That’s why it’s best to wait – you may need 8-12 dates and up to 2 months.

Or you could bring this up before having sex, so you know for sure he’s not seeing others. When it comes to understanding men, they don’t want to be rushed about exclusivity. I’ve had clients tell me a man agreed to exclusivity just to could have sex once and then never called again.

Expect Men to Be Dating Others

Most men want to keep their options open until they are ready to focus on one woman. This is absolutely normal. Just expect that men are dating other women no matter how much fun they are having with you. Until they talk about exclusivity, assume they are not only dating you.

Honestly, I recommend women do the same, since you don’t know which man will want to get serious. Or who your best match will be – that takes time to figure out.

How to Bring Up Exclusivity

If you want to ask if he’s dating others, wait till before you sleep with a guy. You don’t have to ask him directly. That’s one thing about understanding men that can change how this type of serious conversation goes.

Instead, say how things are for you, “I don’t sleep with a man until we are in an exclusive relationship.”  This is not a question, but a statement of fact. Some men won’t like this and won’t go for it. That’s OK because you found out you two didn’t want the same thing.

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Another way to bring up exclusivity is to say, “So many guys are still contacting me online and I don’t know what to do about that.” You’re not asking a question, just stating a fact. See how he reacts to this problem you  presented and keep quiet until he says something. This also helps with understanding men since now you won’t have to wonder why is he still on the dating website.

His Reaction Tells You Everything

It will be pretty obvious if he’s not into taking the next step toward taking down profiles and becoming exclusive, because he’ll look away , stammer, or be evasive.

The advantage of both of these methods is that you let the man come to his own decision without pressure or requiring a direct answer (which feels highly pressurized to a man.)

Why Did You Closely Monitor Him?

There’s another way to look at this situation. As a dating coach I wonder why you were checking on him so closely? Why were you watching his every move online?

When you just start dating a new man,  you don’t know if he’s “The One”. That takes  time. He may seem like a great guy, but you have to get to know him. And while doing that, you might as well date other men because you never know if a guy will ask you out again.

Date Multiple Men

Since you are working on understanding men, dating more than one man at a time is a great way to hedge your bets. This way you get to know a few men to help you find a good match. Plenty of men won’t be right for you or ghost quickly – that’s a normal part of dating.

Focusing on one man from the first date is a surefire way to end up heart broken and then have to recover from each disappointment. That’s not fun!

The next time you date a new guy, don’t stalk him online. Stop worrying why is he still on the dating website. Instead, think about who else YOU might date. Then when you decide to narrow the field and focus on one guy who seems worthy, you can bring up exclusivity.

There’s No Shortage of Men

Dating multiple men allows you to meet enough guys to know you are making a smart choice. The last thing you want is to stick with the first guy who asked you out because you think there might not be anyone better. There is no shortage of men, so don’t short change yourself by settling too quickly.

Wishing you love,

understanding men

 

 

Ready to attract a quality man? Listen to my program 5 Surefire Ways to attract a Quality Man

 

 

Let a Man Pursue You to Clear Up Dating Confusion

Let a man pursue you – that’s the #1 thing you can do get him invested in dating you. Follow his lead for the lasting loving relationship you dream of.

let a man pursue youHow To Let a Man Be a Man

Right now I have an awesome single guy as a client. In his early 50’s, Rick has shared with me the ups and downs of his love life. He felt ready to date again, but wanted to avoid some of the painful mistakes he made in past relationships. I have been very excited to guide him on this journey, as he’s a great catch.

His First Date

On his first date after starting with me, he was nervous and let the woman lead the conversation. She went down the unfortunate road of discussing past relationships and he followed her there. Then Rick noticed the energy between them diminished immediately following this conversation.

They talked about getting together again and his date said she’d let him know what was good. He told me he left the ball in her court. (Oh no – that’s a big dating mistake for a man!)

Who Should Lead the 1st Few Dates?

Let’s talk about who should lead on the first 4-8 dates. I explained to Rick about my “Ballroom Dancing Theory of Dating.” In ballroom dancing, there is only one leader – the man, and one follower – the woman. This strategy works best for the first 4-8 dates, (8 is better) depending on the couple, for so many reasons.

When you let a man pursue you and take the lead, you can observe what he’s willing to do to win you over without your prompts. This is essential to discover his interest level. Does he take three weeks to call for a second date? Or does he ask you for a second date within three days? Obviously the quicker he gets in touch and asks you out, the greater interest he is showing. In this case, texting does NOT count – only his efforts to see you.

Don’t Take the Lead

As the woman, if you can’t handle waiting or think it’s unnecessary to let a man pursue you, you might call and ask when you can see him again. “Are you busy this weekend?” might slip out of your anxious lips. This is not a good dating strategy for women.

Can’t Take the DNA Out of Dating

Now that the genders achieved greater equality in the work place, women think it’s perfectly fine to initiate. You want to call and ask him out, be direct and say what’s on your mind or shoot the breeze. Unfortunately dating has not caught up with equality in business. Dating is still an archaic mating ritual based on biology. Sorry to say, you can’t take the DNA out of dating – not yet.

Men Want to Win

What does that mean about DNA? See a man has hunter instincts coded into his DNA. The hunter wants to win. He enjoys setting his sights on a woman and then doing what it takes to win her over. Dating you needs to be his idea. Once you are into the relationship (after 8 – 12 dates) then the chase is over and the communication can be more balanced. However, as the woman, if you don’t wait and try to take over pursuit, you can lose big time.

Men Don’t Like to Be Chased

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Instinctively, most men (over 40) know leading is their role in dating. They know they must pursue you to win you over. So, when you take over his role and chase him, it’s often a turn off. It destroys the sexual tension that otherwise builds between a man and a woman and can make you unattractive or push you into the friend zone.

When you chase him, he’ll no longer be guessing if you like him or not. There’s nothing to win and no reason to strive for your attention when you serve yourself up on a silver platter. When you call or ask him out early on, you take all the challenge and mystery out of the process causing a man to lose interest.

What Makes Him Pursue You?

That’s why you want to let a man pursue you, so he gets invested in winning you over! Making yourself too available by initiating contact or asking him out ruins the magic and eliminates the mystery. Instead of appearing independent and confident, you end up looking aggressive, needy or desperate! These are not traits men seek in a woman.

That’s why my steadfast dating advice is:

DON’T CALL OR ASK MEN OUT!

To make this even more clear, I want to share Rick’s email with me after we talked about the “Ballroom Dancing Theory of Dating.”

Rick totally understood why leaving the “ball in her court” was a passive move that would get him nowhere. This was how he tried to ward off rejection. He thought by leaving the next move up to her, he could avoid hearing her possibly say, “No” to his next invitation.

Now, Rick Gets It!

“Hi Ronnie,

I’ve been thinking a lot about the Ballroom Dance analogy and wow, that’s really powerful.

When I actually took Ballroom Dance lessons, I was really nervous and awkward at first and didn’t know what to do. Gradually, I became more confident. As my confidence grew and I had more lessons, this is what my instructor taught me.

My Job as the Man:

1) Lead – never, ever let the woman take the lead. Never. Ever. Period. This was drilled into me.

2) Make the woman feel that she is the center of attention and the most beautiful, graceful being on the planet.

3) Have a plan on the dance floor and know where you’re going – the woman usually can’t see where we are going because she’s facing backwards. It’s the man’s job to keep a woman out of trouble and on the right path in dancing.

4) Leave past mistakes in the past. You can’t do anything about them. Focus on the here and now and the immediate future, to avoid more mistakes.

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Rick Filled His Dance Card

When I learned to put these concepts into place, my dance card was always full and I never sat down at a dance party. In fact, the Dance Studio I went to stopped charging me for coming to the dances because they wanted me to keep coming as I was an excellent dance partner.

So now, I’ll compare this with dating.  I am a past dance master just getting back into dancing, but I’m talking about and thinking about my past dance partners instead of dancing! I’m not leading or making the woman feel special, I don’t have a well defined plan, and I’m not letting go of past mistakes.

If I don’t get this under control, I’ll be sitting down for most of the dances (figuratively speaking) and ruin my dating chances to find a new partner. I know what to do and how to do it. Time to get off my duff and start leading again!”

Let a Man Pursue You!

You can only imagine how excited I was when I got this email from Rick! He had forgotten what his role was in dating AND dancing. Rick needed to step up to be the leader if he wants to find the right woman. He finally could see avoiding rejection was becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy of rejection. To find love, he’d better take charge.

This is why when you meet a guy who is too nice, he has usually forgotten he is the leader. And guess what, you find him unattractive! That’s why you must let a man be a man and take the lead. Let a man pursue you.

Promise You Won’t Take the Lead

Sit back and let a man pursue you. If he calls, call him back. When you have fun, tell him at the end of the date. Just don’t call him, ask when you can see him again for at least eight dates in a row.

Give yourself the chance to find out how much a man is interested in you and what he will do, on his own, to win you over. This is the best way for understanding a man’s intention. Let a man be a man and do the work so the sexual tension builds and he gets invested in you for a lasting, loving relationship.

Find out if you might be making any other major midlife dating mistakes with my book 7 Dire Dating Mistakes that Keep You Single

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I Want to Meet Him In Person But We Only Talk Or Text

You think, “I want to meet him in person,” but it doesn’t happen. What’s going on with men who hold off and how can you change this?

You Want Him To Meet You In Person

Are you texting and talking to a man for weeks or months, but can’t seem to get him to meet you in person?

This is such a common problem, many women have been in this frustrating, no-win situation. My clients always want to understand why this occurs and feel attached to the men they’ve gotten to know by phone and text. Often, the only think they can think about is, “I want to meet him in person!”

Below, I share my dating advice with a woman who wrote about this very issue. She knows this situation is good for her but wants some help disengaging.

Should I End This Relationship?

“Dear Love Coach Ronnie,

I met this man through an online site. We have been texting and talking on the phone for six months.  Several dates were planned, but canceled (due to his work and mine).

I feel comfortable talking with him and he always initiates the calls. I can tell he is a smart guy. We can talk for hours from one topic to another including sex and he even shares his fantasy of being with me.

When I am confused or upset, he supports me through calls or texts. I want to meet him in person and he says, “I want to meet you in person too”. But he also says he prefers knowing me bit by bit, talking for hours on the phone. One day, he says, we will meet up.

I Want to Meet Him in Person

All in all, he is a nice person. But, I know that this will not be healthy in the long run. How should I tell him that this “fantasy” relationship between him and should stop? I feel that ignoring his calls and texts is not the proper way, since we have good relationship and respect on each other.

I kindly need your advice and input, Ronnie.

Thank you so much.
Hoping to Meet Him”

Why Doesn’t He Ask Me Out?

Dear Hoping,

Let me help you with understanding men.

I want to meet him in personThe first thing is that you have to realize you are NOT in a real relationship. This virtual connection does offer you some emotional support, but will never get beyond fantasy.

The difficult truth is he is wasting your time. Don’t think for one moment this smart guy doesn’t know this. You stay because you keep thinking, “I want to meet him in person” and hope it happens someday.

Don’t you wonder why he continues to talk to you when he knows he’ll never meet you? And,  “Why doesn’t he ask me out?” I bet it would help to know his true intention.

What Are His Intentions?

If you decide to talk to him about this, I guarantee he’ll say he HAS good intentions. He’ll promise to meet you in person soon. But that will just be more meaningless words to keep you in the game. He knows you want more, but he’s stringing you along, getting his needs met by phone.

On the other hand, you are not getting your needs met, because YOU want MORE. And he knows this too, so is he being honest or respectful? Not really.

Think about it logically for a moment and put your heart aside. That’s the best way to understand men. Why would a man want to talk on the phone and text for more than six months and not meet you?

Reasons Why He Keeps This Going

  • He’s married or in a relationship but doesn’t want to cheat physically
  • He doesn’t want the responsibility of a genuine relationship
  • He prefers to avoid any expectations on your part
  • He’s not emotionally available beyond phone chats
  • He doesn’t look like his photo and knows you wouldn’t go for him if you saw him
  • He prefers a fantasy life vs. real life because he’s maladjusted in some way

I could go on, but I’m sure you get the idea, right?

If this man wanted to date you or meet you in person, he would done so by now. He is using you and taking advantage of your good nature for emotional support and sexual fantasy.

Think about Yourself First, Not Him

Look at how much time you have already invested and wasted with this man, hoping he’ll meet you in person. More than six months! You’ve given your heart away to a man who will NEVER meet you or kiss you.

Unfortunately, it’s time to acknowledge this NOW and STOP texting and talking to him.

You owe him NOTHING because you’ve given him everything. You’ve spent enough time dreaming about how, “I want to meet him in person”. But it’s not going to happen with this man, ever.

Date Men Who Want to Meet

Once you start meeting men in person and going on dates, this guy will fade into the background.

And if you encounter another guy who avoids dates and you start thinking, “I want to meet him in person” that’s your signal to ditch the guy FAST and move on. If you want to find the real thing, you can’t waste time waiting around for some man to “get ready”.

Rule of Thumb

A good rule of thumb for how long to give a guy to meet you in person is 7-10 days. That’s it! Any man who needs more time is not actually available. it might be he’s not available emotionally or geographically or his life is too full for love to be a priority. Each of these situations are red flags that he’s the wrong guy if you want lasting love.

You Deserve Real Love

I know it’s not easy to let go, but thankfully you’ve already figured out this is unhealthy. You deserve the whole enchilada. A man who wants to spend time with you, hug and kiss you, laugh and hold hands, spend time with friends, go to dinner and make love.

If you can’t shut him off cold turkey, then text him and say, you want more so you’ve decided to move on. But then you have to be BRAVE and block him. Because I guarantee he will keep after you as long as you let him. He’ll never let go of the good thing you are in his life. You have to shut it down.

Wishing you love,

why does he come and go

 

 

Ready to meet the right man? Watch my free masterclass 5 Astonishingly Simple Ways to Find “The One” 

Dating After Divorce: Don’t Go to His House!

dating after divorce

Dating After Divorce: When a Guy Invites You to His Place

If you are dating after divorce and meeting men online, you can relate to this story about a guy who invites you over.

When a Guy Invites You to His Place

“Dear Love Coach Ronnie,

Recently, I met a guy online who he seemed very outgoing and even before we met he wanted to take me out for my birthday and spend all day with me. Since we hadn’t even met, I didn’t want to do that, so I told him a movie and a dinner would be fine. We saw a horrible movie (LOL),  had dinner and a really great time.

He wanted to show me where he lived. I followed him to his place and we went in, but didn’t stay more than 5 minutes.  He walked me to my car and we hugged. I wanted him to kiss me, but he didn’t. He later told me he wanted to hold my hand during the movie and wanted a kiss.

I Went to His House

I told him that I would love it if he kissed me next time. He invited me to his house the next day and I went over. When I got there we were really shy at first. Then he kissed me and we ended up doing the deed. Take into account he and I have come from relationships that had lasted about 6 years and we both ended with our exes.

Now I see him a lot. From the beginning I told him I wanted to go slow, but I guess we haven’t. We haven’t even been on a second date – all we do is hang out at his place. He always says he doesn’t have money. Yet spends money on ordering out, new laptop, and video games.

I Want More

It’s been two months since we met and I want more with him. He says he does too. I asked if he’d ever go to church with me and he said no and that’s really important to me. He had also told me he was not ready for a relationship and that hurt me.  I also hate that he tells me to have sex with my ex, go with my ex, Skype my ex, etc.

How should I handle this situation? I feel attached to him now, so it would be hard to let him go.
Thanks, Rosa”

 

When a Guy Wants to Hang Out with You

Hi Rosa,

This might not be what you want to hear.  What’s going on happens more often than you think when dating after divorce. When a guy invites you to his place or claims he wants to spend a lot of time with you before even meeting, he’s looking for sex.

You didn’t go for it on the first date, but he was patient and you went for it the second time without even going on a date. Once you went to his home, you entered into an intimate relationship with a man you only dated once.

This is why you didn’t get to know if he was the right man for you. And he didn’t have to woo you to win you over. This is an error many women make, so don’t feel bad about it. But you can learn from it. Now you know when a guy invites you to his place, he only wants one thing.

Want to Go Slow? Avoid Sex

The purpose of dating is to get to know if a man is worthy of your time. You need to “vet” a man to see if he qualifies because your time and love is valuable. You can’t know this in one date. On top of that, once you have sex, it’s impossible to remain objective – most women bond after sleeping with a man as you have.

When a guy invites you to his place, that’s a clear signal he wants sex. Keep your boundaries firm and say no. That way you get to see if he pursues you, which can mean he’s more serious about getting to know you.

Believe Him If He Says He’s Not Ready!

Dating after divorce is not easy because you crave the love and connection you miss. But you still want to pay attention to the clues men provide.  A man will often come right out and say he doesn’t want a relationship just like this guy did. He was honest! Unfortunately, most women ignore this.

Strategy Is Required to Win at Love

Dating to find lasting love requires strategy and negotiation. It’s like playing poker – you don’t show your hand if you want to win. I’m not talking about manipulation, but leveraging the fact that you are a desirable woman.

When a guy invites you to his place, you need to be smart, understand how dating works, and understand men. This is when you need to rely on your head, not your heart and hold off.

Dating After Divorce, Take It Slowly

In order to observe a man’s behavior to see if he’s a match, you need TIME. Get comfortable learning to watch what he’ll do to win you over, rather than jumping in. Otherwise you end up with a man who doesn’t share the same dating agenda as you – that’s what’s happening here.

You want a real relationship and he wants sex – that’s not a good match. He’s happy to hangout, but won’t take you out. Plus, pushing you to reconnect with your ex which is odd. Either he doesn’t want you getting attached. Or he wants to sleep with others, so he can say, “You’ve been with your ex.”

He Won’t Make You Happy

Rose – this isn’t making you happy already after just two months. As your dating coach I’m asking you to rethink the idea of leaving him and get out now before too much time goes by. You will become more and more unhappy as you long for what you truly want in a relationship. Your situation is what women fear most – SETTLING because you are now emotionally invested in the wrong man for you.

He’s Not the Only Man on the Planet!

I know you don’t want to let go, but you do want to be happy right? It’s time to move on and meet new men. Dating after divorce or any time is easier when you use the wisdom to go slowly and hold off on sleeping together.

Don’t show your poker hand and let a man know how much you like him. Do this simply by avoiding calling him,  initiating dates or sleeping with him for the first 5-8 dates. That’s the only way you’ll know what he’ll do to win you over.

Wishing you love,

dating coach, find love, meet men

 

Why Won’t He Commit? The Struggles of Dating Separated a Man

Asking why won’t he commit? If you’re dating a separated man, there are plenty of reasons why your relationship may be doomed. This post answers a reader’s question, explaining why dating a separated man is such a problem.

why won't he commitHe Won’t Commit to a Relationship with Me

Dear Love Coach Ronnie,

I’ve been in a relationship with a separated man for 8 months. I’m 34 and he is 46. He is separated from his ex wife now for a little over a year and he’s confused. He wants a woman in his life and is even open to marry again. On the other hand he tells me he’s scared.

Even though he’s not ready to commit, he says we have a committed, serious relationship and agrees not to date others. But he doesn’t want to emotionally commit to me. I mean he probably can’t.

I didn’t meet his children yet, we are putting this for the future to see how things go. I’m pretty much aware of the dangers of this sort of relationship. I’m thinking of staying maybe another year since I’m finishing school right now with another year till I graduate. So, I’m pretty busy and don’t really have time to date other men right now.

He tells me he won’t need more then a year to heal but, I’m not sure I believe him since he was married for 22 years. I don’t like the feeling that he is giving me only crumbs, because he’s not willing to commit.

It’s so confusing since he calls me every day and says he is afraid of losing me.

Do you think I should wait another year? Should I give him an ultimatum – that if you won’t commit to me I’ll leave him? He is willing to finalize his divorce in the near future and knows that is bothering me.

Thank you for your advice!
Confused in California

Why Won’t He Commit to Me?

Dear Confused,

There are a number of things going on. Some are about dating a separated man and others are about you. I’m going to talk about them one at a time so you can unravel everything and hopefully, see the big picture.

Signs He Won’t Commit

He’s Not Divorced – When you date a man who is separated, he is not single or divorced – he’s still married. I’m not getting moral here. The problem is, he’s still legally and emotionally attached to his wife. Is he working on his divorce and does he have a settlement date? Did they only separate or did he file for divorce?

He’s Not Healed – How can this man be healed when he has not completed the divorce process? He says he’ll be healed in a year but, that’s nonsense. Who can say when their healing will be complete. He might HOPE for emotional healing in a year but, a lot depends on when his divorce is final.  Experts agree people should wait a year before dating anyone seriously or expecting to commit.

He’s Scared – It’s natural to be scared of getting hurt again. The truth is the man is unavailable emotionally because his divorce is not final. That’s why he’s not ready to commit and you can’t really expect that of him. At least this is honest.

He Can’t Commit Emotionally – I find it interesting that he says he is committed to you and exclusive. Yet, you say, “He won’t commit to a relationship me.”  He cannot be both at the same time which tells you he’s not committed.

He Didn’t Introduce You to His Kids – This is a HUGE sign a man won’t commit! It’s been eight months, not two, so if he really thought you’d be in his future, meeting his kids would be OK. He separates you from family members or close friends, keeping you out of the rest of his life. This is ALWAYS a bad sign for a committed relationship.

Are You Committed to Love?

Now let’s talk about what is going on with you because I’m wondering how committed you are to finding lasting love. I mean no offense by this, just want to point out your own possible conflicts.

“Relationship Crumbs” – I hear you! No one likes not being a priority or a man who withholds love and commitment. You feel cheated out of a full loving relationship. Sorry to say, this is what you can expect from dating a separated man. You said you know the dangers, yet here you are. Maybe its time to allow your discomfort to indicate you are running astray of your own love goal.

No Time to Date – If you do not have time to date, you do not have time for a relationship. A healthy, loving relationship can often take MORE time than trying to meet someone. And school is often the IDEAL place to meet men. So, my question is, is this a relationship of convenience, since you don’t have time to date?

A lot of women tell me they don’t have time to date which is why they are with the wrong man. Women do this for the sake of HAVING a man when they don’t have time to find the RIGHT MAN. However, being with the wrong man takes a big toll on your self esteem and emotional life.

You are responsible for deciding if you rather stay with the wrong man and how worthwhile this is to you. Just get clear about what you are doing because you could be SETTLING for the sake of convenience. You ask why won’t he commit, but I’m wondering why aren’t you committed to finding the right man?

You Don’t Believe Him

Willing to Wait – Since you’re a student, you are willing to wait a year to see what happens. On the other hand, you also said you don’t believe him when he says he needs a year to heal – you think he’ll need more. I get it – you like him and this relationship is GOOD ENOUGH FOR NOW. It serves you to some degree. What’s another year?

The problem is, you’ll be even more emotionally invested a year from now, making it HARDER to leave. At 34, this is prime time for your baby bio-clock to start ticking. If you hope to have children soon, think twice about staying with this guy. He might not want more kids even if he decides to finally commit to you.

He Won’t Commit – When to Move On

My dating advice for you is to decide on the wisdom of staying in this relationship. Since he’s not divorced, not healed, and won’t commit, I’m not sure how this is in your best interest long term. You wonder why he won’t commit, but he’s not really in the position to give you what you want.

Do you feel stuck with him since you don’t have time to find a better man? My bet is you might like having this relationship to create balance with your studies, so you’ll stick with it until you finish school. That’s not the worst choice. Just be honest about what you are doing, so hopefully, you won’t be heartbroken when you graduate and finally leave him.

What would it be like to have an expert to answer your dating questions privately? Let’s talk about how coaching can help you. Just fill out the application and schedule your free consult online today.

Why Did He Ask Me Out Then Cancel? I’m So Confused!

Why did he ask me out then cancel? If you find this kind of male behavior confusing, read on to get the insights you need.

why did he ask me out then cancelHe Asked Me Out Then Cancels Our Date

“Hi Dating Coach Ronnie,

This guys who works down the street keeps telling me I look great whenever he walks by. Then we talk maybe 2-5 minutes. Once he said he will cook me a meal at his place sometime and I said that would be lovely.

The other day he came over and asked me to have a few drinks later. I said sure.  At the end of my work day, he came by and said he’s heading home to shower and will call me. I went home to get ready and got all dolled up, feeling so excited.

Next thing you know, I get a text asking if I’d eaten dinner. He said he’s tired and felt like we should do a movie and takeaway at his place. This is my ideal, perfect, comfy date but, because I don’t know him well, I said lets just do a few drinks and see.

He asked where and I texted a place, then didn’t hear back so, I called. He sounded hesitant, said he was super tired and didn’t feel like having a big night. I felt really disheartened but, calmly said not a problem, let’s cancel.

Two days later I saw him and he said he was really sorry about how the night went but he was still feeling tired. Really? I’m so confused what do I make of it? Please can you let me know whats going on in his mind. Why did he ask me out then cancel?

Thanks Ronnie
Amilla

If A Guy Cancels Plans Last Minute

Hi Amilla,

Why did he ask me out then cancel is a question on the mind of many single women. I know this is confusing and disappointing. Especially after you got “all dolled up”. The anticipation of a fun night out is sometimes more than half the fun!

The good news is you shared a couple of important clues that helped me gain insight into what he might have possibly been thinking. Once you understand this sort of thing, you’ll be able to easily spot it yourself and won’t get confused. You’ll KNOW what is going on and will be able to walk away more easily with this knowledge.

This isn’t the reason why all men cancel at the last minute, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to reveal why THIS GUY cancelled.

Clue #1 -He Was Flirting with You

Some people just enjoy flirting. He saw you as an attractive woman and told you so. This made you smile and pay attention to him, so every one is happy. The only problem is that sometimes people misunderstand flirting since it actually doesn’t mean anything. It is fun and feels good. That doesn’t automatically mean someone who flirts with you wants to get serious or start dating you.

In the future, when a man flirts with you, go ahead and ENJOY IT! Just know while this exchange is fun and builds you up, it probably will NOT lead to anything more. And be OK with that. In fact, I encourage my clients to flirt and enjoy it because it makes you more attractive to all men. Flirting is good practice and healthy fun.

The trouble comes when you start expecting a man to take that next step. This does happen on occasion, yet more often, a man who flirts with you for weeks or months is simply enjoying the view.  He likes talking to pretty women but, isn’t going to ask you out.

Clue #2 -Dinner at His House

When a man says he’d like to cook you dinner, that’s code or “man language”.  Here’s what he’s really saying, “I’d like to get you into my bed. Will you come to my house?” This guy was testing the waters with you when he suggested this and you thought it sounded like a good idea. I get why – it’s nice when someone else cooks a meal!

I learned this lesson the hard way while I was dating.  When I was 40,  I was fixed up by a friend and met a man who was 52. I thought older men would behave differently than the younger men of my youth. When he invited me to have dinner at his house for our second date, I thought that sounded great too!

He made a lovely meal and we had an enjoyable conversation. As soon as the food was gone, he suggested sitting on the couch. I got a bit nervous so, I pulled the big coffee table book onto my lap and looked at each page really slowly. Eventually, I was done and he put the book back on the coffee table. Then he literally said, “OK come on already!” and started kissing me passionately.

I went with it for about 10 minutes, then decided to cut the date short. Standing up abruptly I said, “Thanks for dinner. I have to go now,” and walked out the door. No way was I going to be his “dessert”.

Cozy Dates at Home Lead to the Bedroom

Now you know when a man you’ve never been out with suggests take out and a movie, at his house or yours, he wants to get you into bed. Nothing really wrong with that if you are the kind of woman who doesn’t bond after sex, have expectations or think it means something.

However, if you are looking for lasting love, avoid movies at home for at least 5-6 dates. By then, you’ll have seen if he is pursuing you consistently (like weekly dates or more) to get to know you and show he is more serious than other men. Stay outside the home until you are ready for intimacy, because once you’re on the couch, saying no is much harder.

The smart strategy is to put off that cozy sixth date to discover if a man is genuinely interested or just wants a roll in the hay.  Even though it sounds like the perfect date, GO OUT instead.

Why Did He Ask Me Out Then Cancel?

Still wondering why he cancelled last minute like that? He was too tired to go out with you because he really just wanted a horizontal date, i.e. to sleep with you. Since you suggested drinks instead, he wasn’t too motivated. And he might not ask again. If sleeping with you was going to be easy, he was up for it. But, he doesn’t want to DATE YOU in order to have sex.

Now You Know

Why did he ask me out then cancel? He wasn’t serious about you in the first place. Don’t expect anything from this guy. He’s still too tired days later. Absurd right? Hope this helps you with understanding men a bit better.

If you want to find a loving relationship, go mingle and you’ll discover plenty of other men out there. Get on the Dating Sites or try Dating Apps like Bumble to meet men. People fall in love every day and I’m quite sure that means you too.

Want more savvy insights into understanding men? Get my book Is He the  One? How to Find Mr. Right by Spotting Mr Wrong or schedule time to talk  about the insights you’ll get about men and dating with me as your dating coach.

 

He Pursued Me, Then Disappeared! Understanding Men

He pursued me then disappeared – What does that mean? Why would a guy act so into me then stop and ghost me? Here are five possible reasons he pulled away.

He pursued me then disappeared7 Reasons Why a Guy Acts Interested Then Backs Off

I’m guessing if you are reading this post, some guy did this to you. He came on strong and seemed so into you. Then suddenly he just vanished. Poof! Gone.

This is one of the most aggravating things about dating. Things are going great. You enjoy each other’s company and look forward to seeing him.  He seems to get you, which feels great. While getting to know each other, you are having so much fun!

Then he pulls away and you are left wondering what the heck happened. You examine every conversation looking for something you said or did wrong. You blame yourself even if you can’t find anything to point to that would cause this.

His disappearance is maddening, upsetting and disconcerting! Your world just got turned upside down. How could this be? Everything was going so smoothly. You know he liked you too. Now what? You wonder if there is anything you can or should do to get him back.

Why do men do this kind of thing? It sometimes seems like an epidemic right? There are as many reasons for this behavior as there are men who do it. But I’m going to share seven of the biggest reasons with you below.

1. Busy with Work or Study

A man who is very busy proving himself in his career or loving his work, that’s his first priority. Same thing is true for studying to get his degree. Which automatically means you are NOT his top priority. So you come after everything about work or school that needs his attention first. If that doesn’t appeal to you, then you know he’s not the right guy.

2. Dating Other Women

When you first start seeing a guy and you’ve only had a few dates, assume he’s seeing other women. This could be exactly why he disappeared – he got interested in or distracted by someone else. If you’ve only had a few dates it can be a disappointment, but not that big a deal.

Don’t let yourself get too much invested in a man you’ve seen just 2-4 times. Hopefully you know how to avoid premature attachment to men you are still vetting over 6-10 weeks.

3. Not Happy with Himself

When a man is not happy with himself, his life or his career, he just can’t make you his main priority. Being unsettled creates a feeling of not being a good “provider” which gets in the way of building a strong relationship for men. Unfortunately, this is not something you can help a man get through. He has to find his way and this is definitely a reason why a man might disappear.

4. Doesn’t Want a Relationship

Some guys know they do not want a relationship. They don’t want ties, the expectations or the responsibility of being attached to a woman. It could feel like a giant weight hanging around his neck, holding him back from what he knows he needs to do. Don’t feel offended – this is not about you. It’s all him baby.

5. Needs Healing after Divorce or Breakup

You may think that you’ve met a great guy that needs help getting over his ex. DON’T GET SUCKED IN! You might actually help him recover, but then 99.99% of men will skip out and move on to the next relationship. Happens all the time.

This is because you remind him of a painful time when he was weak and needed help and so he wants to give himself as much space from that AND you as possible. That’s the thanks you’ll get for helping him. Don’t try to trade your nurturing for his love because you will not be rewarded.

6. Prefers to Keep It Casual

All men are not relationship ready. Some don’t want to get serious so they keep things casual. It’s easier and they avoid getting entangled in something demanding or restricting. When you are in a relationship you have to consider the other person’s feelings, wants and desires. On the other hand, when casual – anything goes. There are no rules.

Some guys catch on that you want something more serious, so they disappear. Men do this thinking it’s nicer and less confrontational than some ugly emotional scene when you realize he’s not going to stick around.

7. Not Sure How He Feels

If you’ve been seeing a guy for several weeks and everything is going beautifully, then he suddenly disappears, there’s one more possible reason. He’s not sure how he feels about you. A lot of men need space to figure out emotional issues. This is where talk of the ‘Man Cave’ comes in. They retreat to gain strength.

Now if he comes back in a week, that’s good news. He may have decided to move forward with you and your relationship. However, longer than 7 – 10 days doesn’t bode well. He’s withdrawn because he’s out and is no longer interested.

Countless articles have been written by experts promising ways to get your ex back. For the vast majority of situations, there’s NO WAY to get him back. It’s a harsh truth, but the only way a man returns to the relationship is IF HE WANTS TO.

The Biggest Mistake Women Make

Most women think if they could just understand what went wrong and talk to him, they could make things work. Nothing is further from the truth. Yet, the first reaction is to text, call, text, email. You might feel driven to reach out non-stop to get a hold of him and find out what happened.

Sadly, pushing to talk does not work. You know this is true because if he wanted to talk, he’d respond or reach out. He knows how to communicate, but he is CHOOSING NOT TO. Worse still, if there was any hope of him ever returning, you’ve just put the last nail in the coffin, killing that possibility by appearing weak and desperate.

He Pursued Me Then Disappeared! What Can I Do?

There is ONE THING you can do when a man disappears – NOTHING. Yes, leave him alone. Do not contact him, text him or call him. Don’t think that if you could talk to him, you could make things right. Move on with your life and leave him totally alone. Time apart might make him miss you and that alone could bring him back.

So if you’re wondering “why he pursued me then disappeared,” now you have seven reasons. Take note – none of them are about YOU. Not how you weren’t good enough, pretty enough, smart enough or successful enough. Nope, all seven reasons are about HIM.

Don’t blame yourself for his disappearance. Most likely, the reason he pulled away was not your fault. Take time to heal and get over him. Then move on to find a better man. A man who is relationship ready and knows you are the one for him. He IS out there, so do not give up! It’s never too late for love.

If you want to know how to smarten up about dating, get my free book 7 Dire Dating Mistakes that Keep You Single.

When He Doesn’t Call for Days What Can I Do?

It drives you crazy when he doesn’t call for days, but what can you do about it? Here’s the insight you need and some help with understanding men.

when he doesn't call for daysWhy Won’t He Call Me Back?

There’s nothing more frustrating than waiting for a man to call. He said he would call, so why isn’t he doing it? Why would he say he’d call if he didn’t mean it?

Maybe you had a great date and you know he had a good time too. This is what makes it so hard to understand why he hasn’t called to ask you out again. Did he get sick, start seeing other women, or get busy with work? What is keeping him from connecting again?

The worst thing is when you begin worrying that you did something wrong. You review every detail looking for what you could have said or done to turn him off or send him on his way without meaning to. You feel sick for not knowing what happened or having bad luck with men.

So what is really going on when a guy doesn’t call for days? Here are six reasons why your phone is not ringing.

1) He’s Actually Busy

Sometimes a man gets buried in a huge project and simply forgets to call. While it does happen, this is not such a good excuse because being distracted could indicate you are not his priority or he doesn’t like you enough to keep you top-of-mind.

2) He’s Dating Other Women

When you first meet a new guy, expect him to be dating other women. Don’t assume he’s only seeing you until he suggests exclusivity. He’s not calling back quickly because he’s got a hot date with someone else.

If you’ve only had a date or two its not that big a deal. But if you’ve been seeing him for weeks and he doesn’t call when he says he will, he’s letting you know he’s not a man of his word and not worried about hurting your feelings or making you angry. Not a man who is serious about getting to know you.

3) He Knows You’re Not the One

Even if a man is attracted to you and has a great time, that doesn’t mean he wants to see you again. He might have decided you are not the one for him which is why he doesn’t call back for days.

There’s no way to know why since you might remind him of an ex, talk too much or not enough, be too thin or heavy, short or tall, etc. Don’t bother trying to figure this out. Just do your best to accept it.

4) He Likes Being Single

No matter what a great catch you are, he just doesn’t want to get involved. He doesn’t want to get serious, have any strings attached or allow you to have any expectations of him. He’s not ready for a relationship so a date here or there is perfectly fine, but nothing consistent appeals to him. Be aware – men do not change their minds about this.

5) He’s Back with His Ex

This happened to me. I had two great dates with a guy and some hot kissing. Then I heard nothing from him – crickets. Days turned into weeks and I was puzzled and distraught. I asked the mutual friend who set us up if she knew anything. Yes, turns out he got back with his ex and there’s no competing with an previous love.

6) He Has a Different Agenda

This guy is actually respectful because even though he disappeared, he did so because he knew you wanted more than he could offer. So he didn’t call again even though he could have strung you along for a while. Be grateful – when he doesn’t call for days this could be the reason. He chose not to waste your time.

Do Not Call Him!

Most women think the simple solution is to simply contact him. If you are thinking of texting or calling to see if he’s OK, find out what happened, or nudge him a little to get him to call DON’T DO IT! Instead of reaching out, read this post on why calling his is NOT your next step to finding love.

Hold your head high, maintain your dignity and do not chase any man. He knows how to reach you if he wants to. So if he’s not calling you remind yourself that he simply can’t be the right man for you. The right man for you would be calling, asking you out, trying to impress and win you over so you can be all his.

This is what quality men do. They know what to do and do not hesitate. Good men take the lead and pursue you, call in advance to ask you out and plan fun dates. There are plenty of men who still date in a traditional manner regardless of their age.

So do not accept poor treatment or let yourself get attached to a man who is not consistent in his pursuit of you. Don’t accept his excuses of being too busy or putting you off into the future. A quality man finds the time to see you because it’s important to him.

When He Doesn’t Call for Days

So now you know at least six reasons when he doesn’t call for days what that is about. I’m sure there are many more but you get the idea. It usually has NOTHING to do with YOU. So stop beating yourself up about it and wondering what happened. Let it go into the pile of life mysteries and go find another guy to date.

How Do I Know If He’s Playing Games?

 A reader asked me, “How do I know if he’s playing games?” If you are wondering the same thing, I’m going to make it easy for you to know in this post.

how do i know if he's playing gamesIs He Playing Games with Me?

“Dear Dating Coach Ronnie,

I met a man on a dating site who seemed interested to get to know me. We both”liked” each others profiles and exchanged a couple of messages about twice a week.

Surprisingly, in all this messaging, he doesn’t ask much about me. To keep the conversation going, I always ended with a question giving him something to respond to. Lately, I noticed that he checks my profile, sees my message and then…waits a week to respond!

Recently, he said maybe we can connect one day when I am free, I told him the days I am free and he waited another week to respond, but gave me his cell asking me to talk by phone.

So, I texted him my number saying that I am looking forward to hearing from him and I told him when I was free. But, he never texted or called! But guess what- he checked my profile again! What is that about?

What should I do? ( I researched him and he is very reputable person and does not play games.)

Thanks for your help,
Dangling in Delaware”

Dear Dangling,

I’m sorry to contradict you but this guy is a TOTAL GAME PLAYER! Are you kidding? This is a huge game played by many men (and yes women too) called “Stringing You Along”.

What You Need to Know about Men and Dating

The next time you meet a new guy and wonder, “How do I know if he’s playing games?” the fact that you even have to ASK let’s you know the answer. YES!

Interested vs. Serious

There’s a big difference between a man texting you, calling or emailing and a man who asks you out. Within the first seven days, most communication is virtual. But a man who is genuinely interested will ask you out almost always within 7 days, 10 at the most and two weeks at the very outside.

Some men have no intention of meeting you even though they show interest by constantly texting or long phone calls. These can be fun for sure, but please understand – this is NOT an indication of true interest. Only live dates demonstrate real interest and a serious intent to see if you are girlfriend material.

How Do I Know If He’s Play Games?

Here are four things this man did that prove he’s not serious:

1.No man with genuine interest would LEAVE YOU HANGING or BE SO VAGUE about getting together. He would want to meet you and watch you laugh, see you smile, and get to know you.

2. A man who really wants to get to know you would NEVER TAKE A WEEK TO RESPOND! That’s terrible! It shouldn’t take more than 24 hours, maybe 48 but that’s already showing a weakness. (That goes for the women responding to men as well.)

3. Men who are genuinely interested would never let you do all the work of holding up the entire conversation. GUYS WHO ARE SERIOUS about getting to know you, want to learn about you so they ASK YOU QUESTIONS. His not asking about you shows a total LACK of interest.

4. I hate to say this but, he’s not really interested in you. He’s USING you to BOOST his EGO. That’s what all the texting and calling is about – him,

Say NO to Game Playing Heart Breakers

I encourage you to let go of the idea that he’s into you. He’s NOT. He’s playing games and boosting his ego. He might be a reputable person as you say but, he’s a cruel dater.

You’d be so much better off moving on now, because he’ll drag this out until you quit and you’ll risk heartbreak over an egotistical bum.

My dating advice to you is to increase your self-worth and know your true value as a woman and a person. No decent, self-respecting woman deserves this kind of treatment.

Perhaps you haven’t dated much so you don’t know about the games men play? This is something I specialize in as a dating coach for women over 40. My bestselling book Is He the One? Find Mr. Right by Spotting Mr. Wrong reveals over 40 games men play and how to spot them quickly.

 (Some women play them too and men get hurt as well.)

Time to Move On

In the future, when a man takes longer than seven days to ask you out, stop texting or talking on the phone and move on. Two weeks at the very most! Otherwise, the guy is most likely another game player who will leave you dangling and wondering.

In addition, if it takes a man several days to return a text – block him! There are no excuses for this kind of behavior except laziness or a lack of genuine interest. If a man has either quality, he’s not worthy of your precious time and good company.

You might also want to read these two posts which talk about texting and vague plans.

Wishing you love,

how do I know if he's playing games

 

 

P.S. Ready to smarten up about dating over 40? Get my free book His Mixed Signals Are So Confusing! Find Out What He Really Means and subscribe to my newsletter to get empowering dating insights right in your inbox.

 

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Why Do Guys Make Vague Plans? Understanding Men

The big question – why do guys make vague plans? Read on as I explain what it means when a man exhibits this confusing behavior.

why do guys make vague plansShould I Set Up the Date?

“Dear Dating Coach Ronnie,

I met a guy online and we messaged a few times. There was some witty banter and it was okay but he didn’t ask me anything about myself or the things I wrote on my profile (big pet peeve). The conversation was okay. He asked for my number and I gave it to him. He texted me “hi, how are you?” and I replied and got one word answers like, “Great, awesome or okay”. No real conversation.

Then he said we should pick a day to meet. I said “Okay, call me to set something up after July 4th”. He called me on the 6th. Conversation was okay, mostly me asking questions or talking again. We don’t seem to have much in common.

We Should Set a Date

At the end of the call he said we should set a date. I said let me know when is good for you and where we’ll go (I like a guy to ask me out). He replied, “I’m free whenever” then we ended the call. I felt bad about not having a date set up so I texted him, “I’m free every weekend but this one so let me know”. He texted back, “I will”.

Ronnie, I’m confused! Am I being difficult? Is there a difference between a guy who talks about setting a date and a guy who actually sets one?

Thanks for your help!
Still Waiting”

Dear Still Waiting,

No you are not being difficult. And yes, there is a difference between a guy who talks about a date and a guy who schedules one! It’s either passiveness or laziness but neither one is attractive or a good sign about his potential.

Why Do Guys Make Vague Plans?

Here are four of the most common reasons guys leave plans fuzzy:

1. Insecure – Yes, he might be insecure. But if he says something lame like, “Let’s set a date” to see how you’ll respond and you say yes, there’s no excuse for not setting a date right then. Your positive response should be all the ego boost he needs to take the next step.

Who wants to be with a man who can’t take this step? Most importantly, don’t make it easy for him by initiating or scheduling. You could end up dragging him every decision and be in charge of everything as time moves forward. That’s exhausting!

2. Hedging His Bets – He might be talking to several women at the same time. That’s not a problem – if you’re dating online or by dating apps, you know everyone is meeting lots of people. However, in this case, a “hedger” doesn’t want to commit until he decides who his top option is. That’s annoying and tells you his interest in you is not so strong. (Women also do this.)

3. Doesn’t Want to Date – There are men (and women) online who email and text but have no intention of meeting you. They are entertaining themselves, cheating without cheating or getting their ego stroked. So they talk about meeting but, never set anything up. And if you try to solidify plans, they are evasive or unresponsive.

4. Just Not that into You – He might think you’re an option, but he’s just not that into (thanks Greg Behrandt from his book He’s Just Not that into You). This is not a good sign for his Mr. Right potential. Your best option is to date men who WANT to get to know you which is the reason they pursue you, call, ask you out, pay etc. They do this to WIN YOU OVER.

[Read another post about guys who make vague plans]

How to Clear Up Dating Confusion

In addition, feeling confused by a man’s mixed signals often happens when you date men who leave plans vague or text a lot but are inconsistent with calls and dates. Remember, the way to know a man is genuinely interested is that HE WANTS to SPEND TIME with YOU.

In other words, if you’re don’t understand his behavior early in dating because he talks a good game but doesn’t go on many dates (at least weekly), he’s not interested enough to be the right man. The right man will not leave you hanging or feeling confused. That how you end dating confusion. Simply don’t put up with men who aren’t clear you could be the one.

Back to your question and this particular guy. You’re bored by the conversation and can already see he’s not making much effort. Those are lame, no effort texts he’s sending. That’s why it’s time to move on to meet a man who knows how to take charge. And who is engaging, fun and asks questions because he wants to get to know you!

Don’t bother with substandard men who
don’t meet your most basic needs.

Save yourself the time and aggravation and connect with some new guys who know how to date, have confidence, are curious about you and schedule dates! You deserve to be treated well, so start by treating yourself well and guarding against men like this.

Wishing you love,

why does he make vague plans

 

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How to Know If He’s a Player – Understanding Men

How to know if he’s a player matters to every single woman on the planet. If you’ve been taken in by a sweet talker find out the signs to watch for.

how to know if he's a playerSpotting a Player Is Simple When You How

You go out to mingle and meet an amazing guy. He’s handsome, well-spoken and worldly. He flatters you and makes you feel very special. You feel an incredible connection so quickly and the chemistry is off the charts. Even though you just met him, you feel like you’ve know him forever.

Most likely, you’ve met a player.

What Is a Player?

A player is a man who seems to know every hot button a woman wants to hear. Regardless of which woman, he can figure out what makes you tick and he’s soooo good at it. He’s a pro at seduction. Somehow, he seems to have read the book on women because he knows exactly how to make you fall for him in an instant.

He gains your trust easily and before you know it he has convinced you to go off with him some place more private. How romantic! You just can’t help yourself and before you know it you’ve made love and are glowing.

Too bad you’ll never see him again. He’s a player and is only interested in the conquest – then he’s off to find another unsuspecting single gal.

After, you feel hurt, used and so very sad. How could this have happened to you? Why would he do such a thing? He seemed like he really liked you. How could you be such a poor judge of character?

You curse him and then you beat yourself up for being so foolish to be taken in by the likes of him. You think he’s the scum of the earth and totally romantic at the very same time. It’s so confusing and devastatingly emotional.

Has this happened to you? I know how painful it is because I’ve been through it myself. But don’t be too hard on yourself. We all have a romance novel in our heads and sometimes we fall for it. Join the club!

The trick is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and go back out there to meet new men – better more sincere guys. And of course learn how to know if he’s a player!

5 Ways to Spot a Player

Below I reveal how to know if he’s a player which you can usually figure out fairly quickly once you know the signs to watch for.

1. He’s So Into You

When a man is so into you with a matter of minutes, beware! You probably wonder why he’s so into you but it feels so good to get this attention, you push your rationale brain to the side. Soaking in the attention awakens desire that may have long been dormant.

Sit back and think about this objectively. No man can be that interested that quickly. It takes time to get to know someone. He may be incredibly attracted to you but that doesn’t mean he knows you – and you don’t know him either. Don’t fall for this player even though he’s dreamy.

2. He Opens Up to You

Maybe you meet this guy online and before you even meet, he opens up deeply and shares private details about his life. You cannot believe it! He must be into you or why would he tell you those personal things?

This player creates a deep level of trust by sharing his life. It’s seductive. When you are mesmerized, he pulls you into his web and sleeps with you. Then he disappears. Don’t be fooled by this player type who shares deeply. You need to get to know him over time just like any other man.

3. He’s So Charming

This man is a master of charm like George Clooney. He’s got a twinkle in his eye which lets you know he’s got some mischief in him. His wonderful laugh makes you feel fabulous. He looks deeply into your eyes and sees your soul. Then you are lost.

A charmer looks for women who have been deprived of attention and knows when he pays attention to you, gets close, touches you, you will melt into his hands. enjoy the charmer but hold off on sleeping with him to see how long he sticks around. Usually – not very long.

4.  He’s Got a Sad Story

A man with a sad story takes advantage of your caring nature. He knows some women are uncontrollably drawn to men who are down on their luck, especially with love troubles. maybe he had a wife who didn’t understand him or treated him poorly. He pulls on your heart strings and you can’t stop yourself from wanting to help.

But Mr. Sad Story is not your problem or your project. My advice is to let him figure out his own solutions. A man is not a lost puppy so don’t put yourself out to save him or he’ll take everything you’ve got. Even if he’s not after your money, he can drain your energy and life force from you. Stay clear of this player type.

5. He Says Your “The One”

There are men who will tell you on the very first meeting and sometimes in the email or phone call before you meet that they already know you are “The One”. He is similar to the guy who is so into you. He’ll tell you that you are the woman he’s been waiting for and hoping to meet.

The problem is this is total nonsense. No one can tell that fast and even for people who said they knew the minute they saw a woman they’d marry her – they certainly don’t say that out loud! A man only share such an emotional reaction because he knows that will bring you close and help you trust him.

Too bad he’ll break that trust quickly once he gets into your pants. If you ever find yourself amazed that something so wonderful is happening to you so quickly and are being swept off your feet – STOP! Remember if something feels too good to be true, it usually is.

Players Come in All Ages

Yes there are players in their 20’s and 60s. Don’t think for one minute that older men wouldn’t be bother with such hi-jinx. Or yes they will if they want to get you into bed. Age is not relevant when it comes to players. The little blue pill (Viagra) has made this all possible.

How to Know If He’s a Player

So those are five of my best clues to spot a player quickly. Most of the signs boil down to not falling for a man in a night or two just because he’s playing these games with your head. Know that if he’s sincere, he’ll wait to sleep with you. Hold off and get to know him over time. That’s the bet way to guard your heart and keep yourself safe from players.

 

Ready for more savvy dating advice for women? Get my free book 7 Dire Dating Mistakes That Keep You Single

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Should I Start the Conversation with Him? Understanding Men

Should I start the conversation with him? Absolutely! Here’s the best way to get things started with a guy you want to meet.

should-I-start-the-conversationIt’s Time for You to Start the Conversation!

I’m not a fan of women taking over a man’s role to pursue. for the most part, quality men don’t like to be chased by women. Instead most decent guys prefer to do the chasing themselves and take the lead to get a relationship started.

However, something has changed for a good chunk of quality men today. Like many single women, they’ve been beaten down by more than their fair share of rejection on the dating sites. Not all women are nice like you are.

Surprisingly, as a result, some quality men are now a little gun shy about dating and want to feel more certain you’ll be open to them before they approach.

Is that confusing? Don’t chase men but they aren’t as brave as they used to be at getting the ball rolling.  Don’t worry if that sounds like a contradiction because I’ll explain how to work around this new breed of men.

1. Be Warm and Friendly

Single women who have the best results on any singles scene are warm and friendly. They don’t hang back waiting for men to approach them. These women know the answer is definitely “YES” to the question, “Should I start the conversation with him?”

Take charge of meeting men so you can improve your chances of finding the right one. This is not about being aggressive. Instead, this strategy encourages you to make it easy for men to get to know you by letting them see you are open to them. When you start the conversation, you remove the dread of immediate rejection.

Single men can be a lot more sensitive than you’d expect today. Feelings of isolation and rejection are not something just women deal with any more. Both genders get their fair share of these unpleasant emotional states. And this is the biggest reason why being warm and friendly works today when your goal is to find love.

2. Pour on the Feminine Charm

When you rely on your feminine charm, either online, the dating apps or in person, you are more likely to connect with men. Why?

Here’s some insight into understanding men. When you come from your feminine power, you are sure to perk up a man’s masculinity. That makes him feel good, virile, and attractive. It sparks desire and his innate ability to take action.

Remember, men are people too – so he’s probably sitting over there thinking, “Should I start the conversation?” wishing you’d make it easy for him. Today that is often how a man begins the chase – after getting a little positive feedback from you.

Men choose women who make them feel good and are fun and easy to be with. Your feminine charm easily puts you into that category versus other women who are too busy qualifying men as potential partners. Your best bet is to relax and enjoy men – it’s very enticing!

3. Hospitality Is the Key

Let me make this really simple. When was the last time you hosted a party? When guests arrived, did you take their coats and ask what they wanted to drink? Did you make the drink or hand them the beer or wine? Did you introduce them to others so they could feel comfortable and talk to others?

These are the mainstays of hospitality. To welcome your guests warmly into your home. To take care of their needs by putting the coat away and getting them a beverage. And be ensuring a good time by introducing them to someone else to start a conversation easily.

All of these actions help your guest feel super comfortable, wanted and appreciated. They’ll feel special and cared for and at home. Pretty nice when well done. This is how you want single men to feel around you!

Welcome Men into Your Life

Are you catching on to what this dating strategy is all about? You want to welcome men into your life and you’ll be a hit with quality men. Now I realize you might not want to date lots of men, you just want to find the one right guy. However, the only way to find that one guy is to date plenty of men!

Dating is a numbers game and there is just no way around that fact. Which is even more reason to be hospitable and welcoming to quality men. The warmer you are and easy to appraoch, the more quality men will engage with you. That’s how you’ll find the right one for you!

Which Man Would You Rather Get to Know?

Man A wants to know why you are still single, what caused your divorce or if your debt/asset ratio will add to his own wealth.

Man B makes you laugh, pays you a compliment, feels comfortable in his own skin and is great at conversation.

My bet is you chose Man B – who wouldn’t? Well the same thing applies to you honey. The more relaxed, confident and fun you are to be with, the more attractive you become. Yes, it really is this simple.

Can you give it a shot? Are you willing to drop your usual investigative techniques designed to assess him as quickly as possible and replace it with feminine charm? Can you see yourself being friendly and starting a conversation to make a man feel welcome in your world? If you do these things, you will be well rewarded by meeting more quality men and improve your chances of finding one you click with.

Should I Start the Conversation with Him? Hell Yeah!

So if you’re still wondering, “Should I start the conversation with him?” the answer is a resounding, “YES!” Do NOT hesitate when you see a man you’d like to meet. GO FOR IT GIRLFRIEND!

Quick Openers in Person

  1. Have a sense of humor? Use it!
  2. Ask a man for help with something simple – get the bartenders attention, help you reach something, get directions, etc.
  3. Ask how his day or evening is going
  4. Share one compliment – That tie brings out your eyes; I love a man in a pink shirt; What a great watch!
  5. Comment on the weather if you’re outside – “What a beautiful day!”
  6. Talk about the music playing, “This band is on fire – what do you think?”
  7. Chime in about the sports game on TV in the bar
  8. Ask how he knows the host of the party
  9. Flirty moves will also work, so make sure you smile and have eye contact too!

Any of these simple, no brainer ice breakers will get the conversation started and you engaging with quality men everywhere you go. Go for it with gusto and have fun out there!

For more conversation tips check out this post. And if you want more about understanding men, get y free book about His Mixed Signals are So Confusing!

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If He Keeps Texting Me Does He Like Me? Understanding Men

You ask yourself, “If he keeps texting me does he like me?” Here’s the answer if you’re ready for the truth and want help with understanding men.

if he keeps texting me does he like meDoes His Texting Mean Anything?

“Dear Dating Coach Ronnie,

I met this guy online two months ago. The 1st month we texted and talked on the phone all day everyday! He was very flirty, started conversations and called me. He always said, “if I was there in person….” After a few weeks I suggested we meet in person. He said he liked that idea, but we live  7 hours apart. So we have not met yet.

After a month his texts began to border on sexual and I flirted back. Next thing his texts went over the edge for a  week. Then he became distant and 4 or 5 days would go by without hearing from him. So I’d text him.

At this point, I was very clear that I wasn’t into sexting and said we couldn’t continue this way. He said he respected that and was feeling the same way which is why he became distant. He apologized to me.

After a week of strained conversation I again suggested we  meet in person. This time he said he wasn’t sure if he wanted to. He was still interested in talking/getting to know me but wanted a clean friendship and then to see where things might lead later.

Since then we continued to text daily, but he was no longer flirty even in a clean way. During the 1st month we would text all day long and he’d call me as soon as he got off work. Some times we’d stay up talking til midnight.

Now He never initiates the conversations.  He usually responds to messages I send him quickly. i have attempted to talk on the phone but he always busy.  I have asked him several times if anything is wrong and he says we’re good.

I’m so confused. I feel like an after thought and he’s not pursuing me at all. When I ask him if he’s still interested he says yes I want to get to know you. But his day to day actions say otherwise.

I really like this guy a lot. If he keeps texting me, does he like me? Do I need to just be patient and give him time to figure out what he wants … or should I close the door and move on?

Please help!
Missing Him”

Dear Missing,

Wow there is a lot to talk about here!

First this guy was hot and heavy and you texted and talked all the time. He didn’t agree to meet because you live too far apart but shifted into sexting. You put a stop to that and asked to meet again. He said no and became distant. There are many clues about what he wants which I’ll point below.

Clue #1 – He Didn’t Agree to Meet

When it comes to understanding men, this guy took his time showing his true nature. When you asked to meet him and he didn’t jump at the chance. That let’s you know he’s not serious no matter how much time he texts or talks on the phone. He wanted a virtual relationship – a fantasy, not anything real.

Think about it this way – if he were as into you as you were into him, why wouldn’t he want to meet? Men who do this are often married, in a relationship or aren’t capable of a relationship, so they text or talk on the phone instead.

Clue #2 – He Started Sexting

This is what he was really after – sexual fantasy. But you balked and told him no way. Good for you! Boundaries are essential in dating so you did the right thing. Next time, you can get there even faster rather than waiting till a man goes over edge. Feel free to cut it off just at the start.

Clue #3 – He Withdrew and Stopped Initiating

After you set up the no sexting rule, he withdrew and days went by with no communication. In addition, while he does respond to your texts, he no longer initiates at all. That’s your clue things are over.

Here’s what you want to get clear about – he wanted to sext with you and once you put the kibosh on that, he was done. Now he’s too busy to even talk on the phone!

Clue #4 – He Wants to Get to Know You But Not Meet You

I encourage you to question a man’s integrity when he says something like this, “I want to get to know you and text but not meet you”. How does that make any sense?

The only point of getting to know a man (with long-term relationship and love in mind) is to date him and see if he has potential for a long-term relationship. So, don’t fall for this kind of nonsense. No dates means he doesn’t want a relationship. No excuses work here.

What the heck is a clean friendship? Did you want to be his friend? That’s ridiculous.

Why Do Men String Women Along With Texting?

Let’s face it, you were both having fun! All that communication provided fertile ground for fantasy. Sexting is perfect for creating fantasy. A lot of men doing this are married, living with a woman or in a relationship. They do this thinking they aren’t “really” cheating. I disagree with that concept.

When You Ask Directly, Men Will Not Tell You It’s Over

Even though this guy was up to no good in terms of offering you long-term love, he still doesn’t want to be the bad guy. Instead, he withdrew hoping you’d move on. Men don’t come out and tell a woman go away even when you ask directly, “Are you still interested?” He didn’t want to hurt your feelings – he just wanted you for his fantasy. Of course that’s confusing, but it’s the truth.

He’s Also Your Fantasy

You say that you really like him, but you can’t know him without meeting him face-to-face and spending time together. You haven’t caught on to who he really is. He’s not at all interested in an actual relationship with you. Otherwise he would have made an effort to meet you.

This guy gave you a lame excuse about distance. Here’s the clincher –  chances are a million to one that any long-distance guy is serious about meeting you. Unfortunately your desire for romance took over here and you got swept up in the fantasy.

A man who is genuinely interested does what it takes to win you over. They aren’t too busy or too far away. This is why I advise my clients and readers not to bother with long-distance men. Hit delete! There are a lot of out-of-state men who will try g BECAUSE it’s long distance which is perfect for excuses and fantasy. They have no intention of ever meeting you.

If He Keeps Texting Me Does He Like Me?

Many women fall into texting and create a connection, allowing feelings to grow. But his texting, emailing and calling mean absolutely nothing without face-to-face, live dates.

Experts call this “The Texting Trap” because it’s such a common mistake. Here are two posts about how texting means nothing and when to stop texting a man.

Your Next Step

You asked if you should be more patient? No way! A man like this deserves no additional patience. He wants to fantasize and waste your time.

The very best thing you can do if you want a serious relationship is to stop texting this guy immediately and block him. He is nothing but a distraction for your goal of true love.

The next time you find yourself asking, “If he keeps texting me does he like me?” that’s your signal you’ve been texting for too long and it’s time to move on.

If you are serious about finding love, meet new men who are local. Don’t text with any of them for more than seven days. If you go on a date, then you can text a bit more. However, if there’s no second date within seven more days, stop texting again. Pull back and let the man pursue you. If he doesn’t, then you know he’s not the man for you.

Remember, men need to earn the right to take up your time. Texting for fantasy takes up a tremendous amount of time and emotional band width that will keep you from finding true love.

 

If you want more insights into understanding men and how to spot the guys who will waste your time, check out my Amazon Bestseller Is He The One? It’s packed with tips to spot Mr. Wrong super fast and only $3.99 US for the Kindle edition (also available as an audio book).

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Why Do Men Pull Away and What Can I Do?

You want to know why do men pull away? Get empowering insights about understanding men, why he disappeared and what you can do in this Q&A post.

Why Do Men Pull AwayWhy Men Pull Away After Getting Close

“Dear Dating Coach Ronnie,

A man whom I’ve known for 25 years helped me with a work project and I fell for him. We went to lunch and had coffee many times over the past few months (he always paid). Went to a movie and also had dinner a few times.

He told me he liked me and I said the same about him. I see how he looks at me with desire. He even told me I have this sexiness about me! But now he says he’s been alone for too long to get involved again. Then in the next breath he asks me out to see a movie.

Right now he seems to be a ghost in terms of spending time together. So how come, if he sees me, he always stops to chat? What the heck is going on?

We have so much in common and he agrees with that. There is this chemistry we have when we see each other but maybe it’s just not enough. I’m so attracted to him and when we see each other it’s not like we stand 10 feet apart.

I guess it’s not the right timing for him, but I can’t stop thinking about him. What can I do?

Thanks for your advice in advance,
Casandra”
Hi Casandra,

I feel your pain and I know how hard this is for you. So many women ask me, “Why do men pull away?” When a man sends mixed signals like this it’s terribly tormenting. But I’m going to be straight with you so you know the truth.

Why Do Men Pull Away? There Are Many Reasons!

  • He may have been hurt in the past and never recovered
  • He may have other priorities besides dating and love
  • He might not want the responsibility of a relationship
  • He might not be emotionally available due to childhood issues
  • He might realize he can’t give you what you want

Why men pull away when things get serious causes emotional distress for women all over the world. There are countless reasons for why he disappeared or put distance between you. It’s a gigantic red flag because it points to his inner conflicts that are keeping him single. And he is the only one who can resolve them.

Nothing you do can shift his inner conflict for him.

 

In this case, there is another problem getting in the way of you connecting.

He Doesn’t Want a Relationship

When a man tells you he doesn’t want a relationship by saying something like, “It’s been too long,” there is absolutely nothing you can do. Any time a man says something to push you away, believe him. Take him for his word when he says:

  • “He’s not looking for a relationship”
  • “He doesn’t want to get serious”
  • “He doesn’t want a relationship but is happy to see what happen as he gets to know you.”

What all of these lines have in common is what MEN DO NOT WANT – which is a serious relationship. Even if he’s willing to get to know you to see where things go, that’s just a DISTRACTION from the first part of the sentence which was HE DOESN’T WANT A RELATIONSHIP.

See, a man has to want the same thing you want for things to work out. In other words, you both need to have the same agenda. Or at least he can’t be ruling out the relationship agenda.

THIS IS A MAJOR PIECE OF COMPATIBILITY that most WOMEN IGNORE. We do this because we think his obvious interest is enough. Unfortunately…

Attraction, attention and chemistry are NOT ENOUGH to build a lasting relationship.

A man has to WANT a RELATIONSHIP or not be opposed to getting seriously involved for things to work out in the long run. If his desire is not present, then all the flirting, butterflies, and interest will not shift into the romance you want or lasting love.

Should You Wait Hoping He’ll Come Around?

If you decide to hold out hope for this guy, here is what’s going to happen. First you won’t notice other men who are interested because you’ll be wrapped up with this guy. Your heart will not remain open to men who do want a relationship. So you’ll miss out on other prospects. And ultimately staying attached to this guy will keep you stuck in desire for him and …single too.

What Can You Do?

The best thing you can do is steer clear of him for long enough so you can detach. Let your feelings die down. Out-of-sight really can help a lot to get him out of your head and heart. The last thing you want to do is think you are a victim of your feelings and you cannot help it. This is a powerless stance and definitely, 100% NOT TRUE.

It might not be easy but you can let go and move. Especially if you want to find real, lasting love. Hankering after Mr. ItsBeenTooLong will make you miserable and keep you single. Don’t do it. Here are some empowering suggestions to help you let go:

  • Go on vacation
  • Visit a friend for a long weekend
  • Learn positive self talk like, “You deserve a relationship ready man”
  • Start interacting and flirting with other men
  • Start a new project or take a new class
  • Volunteer and do charity work
  • Post a profile online and meet new men

Once you manage to detach and the longing subsides, then you can be friends if you want. I don’t recommend this but with enough time it can be possible.

So Cassandra, that sums up my answer to why do men pull away, Most importantly, they are not relationship ready and the minute you figure this out about any man, the very best thing you can do is move on. There are plenty more fish in the sea and men who would be more compatible partners.

Wishing you love,

why do men pull away

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Understanding Men: We Text and Talk, But Don’t Go on Dates

When it comes to understanding men, why you text and talk, but don’t go on dates,create a “no Excuses” policy. I explain everything in this post.

understanding men“Dear Dating Coach Ronnie,

I have been talking to a guy I met online for three months now. We Just met a week ago in person. He does call and text me all the time but we have never been out on a date. He hasn’t called me for 2 days now and has sent no text.Please tell me what to do. He made a statement to me on our last phone call saying, “You are very naive sometimes.” What is he telling me? Please help me with understanding men. I really like this man.

Thanks,
Frustrated in Florida”

 

Dear Frustrated,

I know you are confused because you are emotionally invested in this man. You have spent three months talking on the phone and texting with him, so you feel you have developed a deep connection. And from that place you have assumed that he must want what you want – a close, loving relationship.

The trouble is, YOU’RE NOT in a REAL RELATIONSHIP. You cannot be in a relationship with a man if you don’t go on dates. I know this is hard to hear or even think about, but IT’S THE SIMPLE TRUTH.

Perils of the Virtual Relationship

Instead, you have gotten pulled into in a virtual relationship with a man who took three months to finally meet you. (Why don’t you consider that a date?) My blog is filled with questions from hundreds of women with this same problem about understanding men. They have fallen for a man who won’t make time to see them.

3 Reasons Why You Don’t Go On Dates

1.He could be married or already in a relationship. He has time to talk to you and text, but he can’t SEE you on dates. That’s too risky for his current relationship. Probably after you asked him for weeks (or longer), he squeezed in a meeting with you. That doesn’t mean he wants a real relationship or that he loves you.

2. Maybe he wants everything on his terms. To talk and text when he feels like it. He doesn’t want to invest his time in getting together or creating a situation where you have bigger expectations. He doesn’t have time or money to spend going out to dinner or taking weekend trips. Or he’s not interested in physical contact.

3. Some men are emotionally manipulative and controlling. Occasionally a man gets pleasure from being adored and wanted by you, while he dangles love over your head. He enjoys watching a woman suffer as she falls in love, but can’t have him. This mean-spirited scenario is rare but does happen.

Texting and Talking Aren’t Signs of Love

It’s so easy to feel confused when you accept texting and talking on the phone as signs of his genuine interest and feelings for you. But this is not enough to indicate love. When it comes to understanding men in relationships, recognize that he may need your emotional support or want to boost his ego.

But texting and talking are a small part of a loving relationship. Spending time together is a bigger component which is missing from your scenario.

The Plain and Simple Truth about Understanding Men

If he wanted to date you and
build a genuine relationship,
he would find the time.
That’s what quality men do
.

No matter how busy or shy or whatever other excuse he may have, any man who wants love will do what it takes. This is fundamental to understanding men.

Sadly, you have opened your heart to a man who doesn’t want what you hope for – his love and commitment. So naturally you are confused. You wonder why he calls and texts if he doesn’t like you and want more? He likes you enough to do those things – but that is not enough for you.

I realize it’s hard to not know, but you may never know the reason. The fact is, it doesn’t even matter.

What DOES MATTER is that he is not willing to go on weekly dates and build a relationship face-to-face. This automatically disqualifies him as being the right man for you.

While you like parts of his personality that he shares via text and phone, HE DOESN’T WANT TO GO ON DATES and that is a huge part of who he is. Can you see that?

For this particular guy or any man, you can’t do anything to make him date you or want a relationship. Anyone who tells you differently is not being honest or realistic.

How to Qualify the Men You Date

What you can do is GET BETTER AT QUALIFYING THE MEN YOU DATE so you don’t get into this kind of virtual relationship again. This is for women who to date men with the goal of finding a lasting, committed relationship.

It takes a bit of self discipline, but if a man cannot meet you on a real date within 7 days, MOVE ON. I don’t care what his reasons are. He’s busy with work, he’s traveling for business or vacation, his kids are sick, his ex wife is taking him to court, he has to paint his house, etc.

These are all EXCUSES and a man’s way of letting you know that he’s not into you enough to make time to meet you. Or he’s not ready and available to date.

Establish a “No Excuses” Policy for Yourself

Don’t share this policy with men. Just stop texting and communicating with any man who can’t meet you within 7-10 days at the most. Don’t except a man’s excuses thinking you are being flexible. When it comes to decoding men and understanding how men think, it’s best to focus on what works for you instead. Excuses don’t work. Move on to men who are ready to meet you.

The next qualifying hurdle is that you want to date men who will go on dates at least once a week. Yes, there are occasions when someone has go out of town, but if a man is always out of town, that alone makes him unavailable due to his lifestyle.

The Bottom Line about Your Man

My best dating advice for understanding men is to realize this man is NOT into you. He’s told you he thinks you are naive because he knows the game he’s playing. The good news is NOW YOU DO TOO.

Don’t continue to play hoping things will change. HE WON’T CHANGE. Move on to find a better man who wants the loving relationship you want and demonstrates that by making time to see you.

Wishing you love,

understanding men

 

Understanding Men: I Want to See Him More Often

Understanding Men

Understanding Men – How Can I Get on his Calendar?

Here’s a tip about understanding men. If you want to see more of a guy who dates you occasionally, first think about what his sporadic dates tell you about him.

“Dear Ronnie The Dating Coach,

I’m a career focused 40 year old woman who has never married and has no kids. I’m dating a man who is 50 with the same deal. We were set up by family & friends. So far, we’ve had three great dates in 3 months. We  have not slept together yet. Work and travel have definitely gotten in our way. His life is his job, my life is career too, but not as extreme as it is for him.

Problem is, he does not call or email me when he travels which makes for long gaps between contact and dates. I want to get to know him better, to speak to him more and see him more often. How do I bring that up without seeming desperate and/or needy? We have not slept together. Please help! I need your advice!

Wanting More in Westover”

Dear Wanting More,

You like this man, want to get to know him better and hope this relationship goes deeper. So far you’ve seen him three times, but just once a month and he doesn’t contact you in between. What does that tell you about him?

Understanding Men – Learn to Read a Man’s Actions

If you take a step back and look at this objectively, not from what you want but from what is happening, you will get a clear picture. This is a man who is content seeing you infrequently and doesn’t desire contact in between. Ultimately, he enjoys your company, but he’s not craving more. He’s not curious about how you’re doing and he’s not trying to win you over.

The truth is he doesn’t want more from you. If he did, he would take action to talk to you and see you more. He’s perfectly happy with how things are. No expectations, no demands, no strings attached. He gets to come and go and you have no options to change this.

I know this is hard to hear but HE HAS TO WANT MORE and unfortunately, you can’t MAKE him want more. He is not looking for a relationship or he would step things up. He likes things just the way they are or he would do something to change that.

Can I Do Anything to Change the Pace?

The one thing you can do is encourage him. Next time you see him,  tell him how much you enjoy his company or sense of humor.  Say you feel relaxed and comfortable around him. Let him know you appreciate  the restaurant he chose or whatever place he took you too. Don’t over do it – a couple of compliments  will be enough if his has any chance of getting him to see you more frequently.

When it comes to understanding men, they choose women who make them feel good. When you tell him you like spending time with him and compliment his choices or sense of humor, he’ll feel appreciated which reflects well on you.

But the fact is this is a man who is 50, never married, and travels a lot for work. If that didn’t please him, he’d have changed it long ago. Truth is he’s probably happy alone. He could enjoy a woman’s company like yours from time to time, but not want anything serious.

I’ve done a lot of work on understanding men and one thing I know for sure: Regardless of how busy a man is, if he’s interested in you and wants to see you, he will FIND THE TIME. A man will move hell and high water (as the old saying goes) to be with a woman who captivates him.

My Advice for Understanding Men

So my advice is to move on and look for a man who has more time in his calendar for you and for love. This man is not likely to change his ways for you and you’ll do nothing but waste your precious time waiting for him to become the man you want.

Wishing you love,

understanding men

 

Photo Credit: Digital Vlilkki

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Can’t Find Love? Maybe You’re Too Clingy or Needy?

find loveCan’t find love and dating seems too hard? Try to avoid appearing clingy or needy – these are two big turnoffs for men! Learn how to curb these tendencies. You’ll find examples of these behaviors and how to turn things around in this post.

Signs You’re Too Clingy or Needy

You may not recognize the signs because this is about how you interact with men. Most men want a woman who is confident, self sufficient and has an enjoyable life as is. You are open to a man in your life and would like to find a good partner. Having a mate would add another dimension to your life, but you don’t NEED a man to survive.

On the other hand, if you act clingy or needy, you are telegraphing your insecurity the minute you get interested in a man. This can look differently for everyone. You may need a lot of attention and reassurance so you want your him to call and see you often, give you compliments or plan dates far in advance. And you’ll want this before it’s appropriate to even expect it.

Here’s how you know you are too clingy or needy during the first 1 – 4 dates:

1) You freak out if his interest cools after a coffee date or even a couple of dates

  • You wear out your girlfriends asking them about what your man said and did, going over every detail
  • You look for meaning and what might have gone right or wrong based on every little nuance
  • You spend more than 50% of any day obsessively thinking about the new guy

2)  You initiate contact to see what’s happening

  • You call him because you haven’t heard from him
  • You text him to say thank you after every date
  • You feel compelled to stay in touch regularly
  • You share life details on a daily basis

To a man, this behavior is invasive. You are invading his personal space without being invited. This is a red flag to men that you are high maintenance woman and demanding. That’s not something you want him to think about you.

   3) You share your feelings too quickly

  • You can’t hold back and tell him that you like him soon after meeting
  • You express anger that he didn’t call or follow through on a promise
  • You give him too many compliments or do nice things beyond normal
  • You want to know how he feels about the relationship

Most men aren’t big on sharing feelings even in a long-term relationship, so early on in dating this freaks guys out and makes them bolt.

   4) You drop plans when he asks you out

  • Plans with others are expendable
  • You cancel on your girlfriends whenever he calls

  5) You try to take the lead because he’s not stepping up

  • You call to ask him out since you haven’t heard from him
  • You say you hope to see him again to close the deal at the end of the date which is a man’s job
  • You buy tickets to an event so you can ask him out
  • You go someplace you know he’ll be to “bump” into him “accidentally”

Why Clingy and Needy Women Can’t Find Love

You may think that dating has changed and things are different. Sadly, nothing could be further from the truth. Men are biologically still hunters. That means the chase is still a part of courtship, harkening back to when men were hunters. Easy prey offers little excitement because there is is no thrill of the hunt and no conquest. If you think this is ridiculous, chauvinistic and archaic, you are very wrong. (OK, maybe it is chauvinistic, but it is what it is.)

So, when you demonstrate that you are clingy or needy, a man gets turned off quickly. His deep need to “win you over” is negated when that challenge is removed from the process. That’s one of the biggest reasons men pull away or disappear.

Use the Ballroom Dancing Analogy to Find Love

Think of dating like Ballroom Dancing. He steps forward and you follow his lead. You take a step forward and he backs away. Get it? This simple analogy can save you from taking the wrong action. If you ever have a question about what to do next, just ask yourself, “How would I handle this in ballroom dancing?” The answer is always to FOLLOW HIS LEAD so you can be a great dance partner. Follow this idea to find love.

Clingy/needy women don’t wait to see what a man will do or follow his lead. They have no patience, don’t understand how dating works and can’t hold off to see what will happen. They jump to get the ball rolling or start to question him about his intentions before he’s even decided how much he wants to date you. To a man, this behavior is highly unappealing and intolerable.

Most Women Get to “Relationship” First

It’s natural that women see relationship potential before most men do. This is just the way things are. Men require more time to know they want a relationship with you. Which is why a woman MUST HAVE PATIENCE. No one likes to be rushed, especially men about relationships.

Building confidence and self assurance are essential to find love. It will take time before you get a clear message from a new guy. Until he feels certain you are the one, he will keep his feelings to himself. His actions however, give you a peak under the tent about his intentions. Consistent calls/emails and frequent dates over six to eight weeks demonstrate where he could be headed which is into a relationship with you.

To find love, be patient and give a man the space to decide for himself how much he wants to be with you. Avoid anything that even remotely resembles clinginess or neediness. To appeal most to men, boost your confidence and self assuredness – two qualities that are highly attractive and desirable about single women of any age.

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Understanding Men: Suddenly He’s Too Busy to See Me?

Need help understanding men? This post answers a question from a reader about men and explains what is happening when a guy tells you, “I’m so busy.”

understanding men“Dear Dating Coach Ronnie,

I need your help. We’ve been dating for almost a month. He’s been attentive, making dates, really into me and then suddenly –a week before Valentine’s Day– he didn’t make time to see me. At the end of every date or time together he has followed up quickly… and now nothing. No texts for 3 days.

So I sent him a text advising him of my first day off in 4 weeks. He quizzed me about the day asking when I’m free and what work I’m doing now. Then nothing until LATE last night, he sent a weird message about how he’s been so busy and “did you have a fantastic day?” What is that about? I’m so OVER this dating bullsh*t.

I really like this guy and I thought he really liked me, you know? But not talking to me at all for 3 days and then quizzing me instead of having a heart-felt conversation (like we’ve had numerous times up until now) doesn’t cut it.

I’m sure Valentine’s Day is playing a part in freaking him out. I don’t care too much about Valentine’s Day – I just enjoy spending time together. I feel he’s losing interest in me. I want to ignore him right now because I’m so angry. 🙁 I don’t know what to do. Please give me some of your dating advice.

Thanks,
No Texts in Texas”

Dear No Texts,

I’m sorry this is happening to you. It’s so hard when dating seems to be going well and then BOOM, it fizzles out. And you have no idea what went wrong. Of course this is certainly not uncommon – pretty much standard dating nonsense.

Is he freaked out by Valentine’s Day? Maybe. But if he were as into you as he was acting, why would he risk turning you off?  I’m going to guess something else is going on. When a man tells you he’s been so busy, that’s the biggest RED FLAG. He was so into you and now he’s suddenly busy? I don’t think so.

I hate to break this to you, but “I’m so busy” is ManSpeak or code to cover a bunch of circumstances. Let me help you with understanding men and explain what those words could mean:

  • I’m not that into you any more
  • I met someone else
  • I don’t have time for you
  • Dating is not my priority right now
  • I’m done, but want to keep you hanging

He could also be pulling away like so many men do when things are going well and it occurs to them that a relationship is starting. That’s another reason why a guy might scamper off and become too busy. They do get scared about commitment and getting caught up in something. Usually this is the sign of an ambivalent man – one who isn’t sure what he wants.

There is no denying that dating is a process. It takes time to observe a man’s behavior in a variety of situations. You are watching for consistency in a man’s actions. This guy started out doing all the right things, but now he’s doing a disappearing act. I realize this kind of thing can take a toll on your heart.

I lived through this myself and it was tough no doubt. But I came up with a way to handle the disappointment and actually guard against it. When I was dating over 40 to find love, I noticed a lot of guys showed up gung ho, then evaporated. I also got sick of this quickly.

Date More Than One Man at a Time

For me, the solution was to date several men at the same time. Any man who pursued me and fit within my idea of a potential mate – I went out with him. This way, if a man was only around for one, two or three dates, I had other contenders in line.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. It’s not sleazy – it’s very smart dating strategy!  Especially for online dating – just expect men to be seeing other women until they tell you they want to be exclusive with you. Then you won’t be shocked when you find out you are not the only one.

Understanding Men – Realize Dating is a Glorified Sorting Process

The idea is to realize that dating is not the same as being in a relationship. From the first 4 – 8 dates, you are still in dating mode. Until you know you have a standing date on Saturday night (depending on schedules), you are NOT in a relationship.

Relationships take time to develop. Everything else is just dating where there is no commitment. The purpose of dating is to spend time with someone to evaluate his/her potential as a mate and decide if you want to invest more time getting to know each other.

So, it’s time to let go and move on. Brush yourself off and start again. It’s not easy, but this is the only way you will find love. And believe me, if you persevere, YOU WILL FIND LOVE. I know because against all kinds of odds, I found an adorable man and we’ve been married now for nearly 15 years. I had no prospects when I started dating at 40, but found 30 guys to date in just 15 months.

Dating is a journey of self discovery. You are learning about yourself – what works and what doesn’t and how to react to keep yourself open to meeting more men. That’s the biggest secret of successful dating – don’t stop until you find the right one.

Wishing you love,

dating coach, understanding men, true love

 

 

PS. Learn more about understanding men’s mixed signals in my Free book His Mixed Signals Are So Confusing! Find Out What He Really Means and get my newsletter with helpful insightful and tips

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