Tag Archives: rejection

Dating Tips for Women- I Asked Him Out and He Said No!

He flirted with you but never asked you out? My dating tips for women recommend enjoying the flirting, but not to take it seriously. This gal asked a man out who flirted with her and here’s what happened

Get Dating Tips for Women

dating tips for womenDear Love & Dating Coach Ronnie,

I feel like such a fool. I have been talking with this guy at the gym. He  trains when I am there and a couple of months ago we had our first chat, talking about how we both had kids. A few days later, he asked what my husband thought of me being at the gym a lot. I said I was a single mum which is why I thought he was keen on me.

As the weeks passed we’ve chatted a lot and he asked me questions about myself, job, life and what days I go to the gym. One day I disappeared talking to some friends and he came looking for me! Then, I wondered why he doesn’t ask for my phone number or ask me out? Maybe he thinks I am not into him?

I Asked Him Out!

This is why I’m hoping for some of your dating tips for women. Today, when I saw him in the gym,  I casually suggested he come to see me where I work to have a drink some time. I was disappointed with his answer, as he says he isn’t drinking at the moment. Then we carried on talking in general.

I feel like such a fool that I asked him out. Even if he isn’t drinking, he could have still gone out with me. I really thought he liked me. He gave me so many signs like asking if I was single and going out of his way to say hello. Now I feel like a big fool and of course I will be seeing him every time I go to the gym.

Why Did He Show Interest?

I don’t understand why he was showing all the signs of liking me, but when it came down to arranging a date he turned me down. What your view is on this?

Thanks for your help and all your great dating tips for women,
Stuck at the Gym with Him”

Basic Dating Tips for Women

Dear Stuck,

I understand how confusing and frustrating this kind of things is. He certainly did show all the signs, except the most important one – he never took the step to ask you out.

Taking matters into your own hands wasn’t such a bad idea. He seemed into you, so I totally get why you suggested a drink. Who knows why he didn’t offer an alternative. That makes me think he is seeing someone or doesn’t feel ready to date right now for whatever reason.

Nothing Wrong with Asking Once

You took a chance because he wasn’t making the move.  Even though he said no, so what? No big deal. You have nothing to be embarrassed about! He’s the one who had been chasing you around the gym and then bowed out when the opportunity to see you was offered.

What to Do Next

You can stay away from him at the gym or change the time you workout. Another options is to continue talking to him if that’s still enjoyable. You know the score now – he’s not going to ask you out on a date. So, the choice is yours.

The best thing about what you did is that you only asked him once. Sometimes women continue to ask, never allowing the man to initiate and then complain about that later. This situation does give you some insight into what men go through asking women out doesn’t it? Rejection isn’t fun for anyone.

Don’t Be Hard on Yourself

I think you were brave. In the future, if a man starts flirting with you but two weeks go by and no dates, make yourself scarce. I’m not saying this will make him step up – but at least you won’t be building up hope that a man’s flirting actually means something.

My dating tips for women explain how the hardest part about an experience like this is understanding that a man can find you attractive and flirt with you, but still not want to date you. Sometimes the flirting is all he wanted to feel good about himself, boost his ego or pass the time. Flirting can be a lot of fun!

So if some guy flirts with you all the time, but never asks you out, don’t attach meaning to his interactions. You can still flirt with him, just don’t think it’s going to lead anywhere.

 

Ready to attract a quality man? Listen to my program 5 Surefire Ways to Attract a Quality Man

Online Dating: How Can I Handle All the Rejection?

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Tips for Online Dating and Rejection

Coping with Online Dating and Rejection

Is online dating too stressful for you? Do you feel you can’t handle the rejection that comes with meeting new people? Read my advice to this woman who feels the same way and how she can turn things around to lighten up and enjoy the process more.

“Hi Ronnie The Dating Coach,

My question is about online dating. I don’t know how not to get upset, stressed out, and anxious over all the rejection on the Internet dating sites. Can you  please help me find a way to feel calmer about the process? It’s just way too worrisome for me the way I’m currently going about it. Thanks so much!”

Worrying in Worcester

 

Dear Worrying,

Regardless of what kind of dating you do, rejection is a part of it. I know this is really hard for you, but if you are going to look for love, there is no way around the possibility of being turned down, dropped, ignored, or broken up with. So somehow, you’ve got to learn to toughen up a bit.

When you think about it, people online aren’t really rejecting you because they don’t even know you yet.  Prospects are making snap judgments and drawing conclusions quickly without having the full story. This is how it is and you do this as well. It’s natural and everybody does it.

Reframing Rejection from People You Haven’t Met Yet
So my biggest piece of online dating advice is to reframe the word “rejection” as it relates to the people you haven’t met yet. Instead, simply think of them as opting out of your dating pool. In truth, these people are doing you a favor because they are not wasting your time or leading you on. And if they were “the one” for you, they wouldn’t disappear so quickly. They were attracted to others and you exhibit the very same behavior, so find a way to let this go and not take it as a “true rejection”.

That said, perhaps I can help you with some additional strategies to lighten up about the process.

 1. Take the Pressure Off
Every time you meet someone new, my bet is you think he might be “the one”. That is a heck of a lot of pressure on him and you. Instead, take it down a few notches and think about it this way – you are simply meeting new people. That’s it. Then you can relax and be yourself and not worry about the outcome. Heck, he’s just one more guy on your journey to find love.

2. Get Comfortable Meeting New People
I did this when I was dating and met 30 men in 15 months to meet the man who became my husband. What I discovered is that doing this helped me became very comfortable meeting new guys. And if a guy didn’t work out or never called, I took it in stride because I started to realize that he was just one man. And there were plenty more.

3. Every Man Is an Opportunity to Practice
When you have a first meeting with a new guy from an online dating site, this is your chance to fine tune your conversation skills. The more practice you have, the better you get until you can make conversation with just about anyone. This is another confidence builder that is not only a good for your dating life, but will serve you in life overall. You can’t go wrong learning how to be a great conversationalist!

4. Learn to Flirt and Make Dating Fun
Whether you meet men through online dating, at singles dances or a bar, knowing how to flirt is the key to having fun. Flirting is nothing more than a spontaneous, creative way to interact with people. From a distance, flirting is all about body language and some of that comes into play close up as well. The point is to send non-verbal messages that you are open and friendly and LOOKING for a man.

There is nothing sleazy or inappropriate about flirting. It leverages your feminine energy and charm, both are innate to your very being as a woman. Learn to unleash you inner Goddess and let her shine and be seen! This part of you is playful and alluring and will attract men like bees to flowers bursting with pollen.

5. Date More Than One Guy
I was very busy meeting lots of men on my journey to find love. That was truly a blessing which kept me from over focusing on any one particular guy. You never know which man will ask you out again and stick around and who will disappear and never be heard from a again. This is the reason I encourage dating around and dating more than one guy at a time. This is especially true for online dating because the men are meeting lots of women too.

 6. Online Dating Response Rates
This might surprise you, but it’s the reality of digital dating. If you get a 10-20% response to the emails you send – you are doing super fantastic. Everybody has a low response rate and it’s so much worse for the men. Once you reset your expectations about how men will respond to you and start to expect that some men will act all interested and then disappear, you won’t feel so devastated. You’ll know this happens to everyone and it’s par for the course.

Once you realign your thinking about the reality of online dating, you might realize you are actually doing better than you think! 🙂

So many of my clients have found these tips very comforting and helpful. I hope you will as well. Don’t give up! Every man you meet brings you one man closer to the right man for you.

Wishing you love

dating coach, find love, meet men

 

 

 

 

Find Love: Why Didn’t He Want Exclusivity with Me?

 

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Find Love: Why didn’t he want exclusivity with me?

To Find Love, Go For Exclusivity in a Relationship

This letter was from a woman who had a hard time understanding why a man she met online, who seemed to appreciate who she was would let her go? The question really comes down to exclusivity. She handled this well, but I gave her a tip that can really help in the future.

Dear Ronnie The Dating Coach for Women,

I want to find love but here’s what happened. My heart is broken a tiny bit. Met a guy online and had three amazing dates. But I was paying attention: he talked about how important his work is and how it takes a lot of his time. He also said women did not always understand this about him. And was looking for a partner to fit in when HE had time. He could never commit to plans and has some financial strains because of his business.

On the third date, I told him I would not sleep with anyone if we weren’t exclusive. On our fourth date, he asked to clarify what I meant by being exclusive. I said I only sleep with boyfriends and would date in a non-committed situation for a limited time – about 2-4 months. He said he could not offer exclusivity, but wanted to keep going out.

Then he pulled back, still called, but less touching base. We saw each other two more times and the last time I felt I had to ask for time and attention, more than he was giving in the two-hour slot he had given me.

So I ended it by email by saying I liked him, wanted more than he could give and wasn’t going to pressure him and get hurt and wished him well. He sent me a very sweet email saying how great I am – good date and communicating.

My question is, why would he let me go? Or was he never capable? I feel sad.

Thanks for any insights you can give,
Frustrated in Framingham, MA

 
Dear Frustrated,

I know this is painful and my heart goes out to you regarding the disappointment on your journey to find love. Having gone on about six dates, you would think this was going somewhere. Unfortunately it did not because this man has a different dating agenda than you do. Not sure if he is incapable or simply not interested in a relationship. At least you found out early rather than six months down the road.

The good news
But the good news is that you are a savvy dater! You did catch on – he is not interested in a relationship right now. His business is his priority and he is honest about not wanting to make any promises. She is his first love. You would always be second.

Men (and women too) often use the work excuse as a barrier. “I’m so busy and women don’t understand me.” That works pretty good on most women, but not you!

From my perspective as a dating coach, he let you go because he cannot offer what you want. Sounds like he wants a no-strings, no expectations relationship with a non-demanding woman who is terribly busy herself so she doesn’t care. Or a woman who foolishly thinks he will some how turn around and want more once he falls in love with her – extremely unlikely. He did suggest continuing, but you declined which was very wise.

I also want to mention that your timing expectations seem reasonable – not sure of your age but 2-4 months to achieve exclusivity seems fair to me.

Keep some mystery! Don’t give away your timetable
Something to consider for future situations. You can explain that you don’t sleep with a man who is not exclusive, but you might want to keep your timetable to yourself. Men are funny about fitting into someone else’s timetable. They don’t need to know everything that’s up your sleeve…let them wonder what it will take to win you over – it’s more of a chase.

The reason I say this is I had a client who read in a book to wait 30 hours before intimacy. Phone calls and dates counted. Unfortunately, she told the guy she was dating. Even though it took time to get there, he waited the 30 hours to get her into bed and then disappeared. The game was worth it to him – maybe he liked a challenge.

So, a bit of mystery is not only good for him, it’s good for you too.

There are many more men, good men who want a relationship out there waiting to meet you. Get back out there soon!

Wishing you love,
Ronnie

 To learn more about online dating – Read more and Register for my upcoming program How to Sizzle vs. Fizzle Online starting Tuesday, May 14th

 

How Can I Get Him Back?

How can I get him back?

Dear Ronnie

I am just out of a relationship, but I have fallen hard for my best friend. The thing is, after my breakup, he showed interest and took me out several times. We slept together once too. After that, it was a bit awkward for a few days – we couldn’t stop thinking about it.

We talk regularly now, but ever since sleeping together, he’s started to encourage me to get back with my boyfriend. He tells me he loves me and cares for me, but keeps cancelling our dates. This is so disappointing! How do I get him interested in me once again?

Thanks for your help,

Laura in Oxford

Hi Laura,

How can you get him back? This is one of the most frequent dating questions there is.

There’s only one way to possibly get him back and regain a man’s interest in you. Unfortunately. there is no guarantee that it will work for sure. It’s just that this is your only option but it may or may not work. and there is only one way to find out which is to give it a try.

Here’s the solution to get him back:


Pull away, make yourself less available and even a bit scarce.

 

Let me share an analogy to help you understand this essential strategy. I call this the Ballroom Dancing Theory of Dating. There is one leader and one follower in ballroom dancing with the man as the leader right? So when he takes a step forward, you take a step back. And then you are dancing!

Now the same thing is true for being in a relationship. If you pursue a man, try to  convince him, keep talking to him about this, or reach after him, you are taking the step forward? Do you see what I mean? So, according to the Ballroom Theory of Dating, if you do anything to get him back, your man will naturally…take a step back like in dancing and withdraw. 

Pursuing him further in any way will not work and in fact will make him withdraw further. as your dating coach, I’m thinking that is  certainly not what you want!

However, if he misses you and wonders what is going on with you because he hasn’t heard from you, this could create a desire for him to get in touch and might bring him back.

Why He Might Have Pulled Away
1. Keep in mind that it’s possible your friend regrets crossing the line in your friendship. So he still might not want to get involved. 2. Another possibility is that you became too needy, clingy or emotionally reliant on him after being intimate. Could that be true?  That can scare a man away very quickly, even if you’ve been friends for a long time. It feels different to him even though it felt perfectly natural for you.

For you to pull away might feel very hard right now, but it’s the best piece of relationship advice any expert can give you. And more than that, it’s the only one that has a chance of working. Talking about it will definitely not help, and can in fact push him away even further.

My Dating Advice on How You Can Get Him Back
Put some distance between the two of you. Don’t answer every call or respond in 24 hours like you usually do. Same goes for emails or texts. Give him the chance to:

  • Miss you
  • Wonder what happened to you
  • Think about what you are doing
  • Feel curious to find out if you went somewhere
  • Wonder who you might be talking to instead of him

 If and when he does start to pursue you again, and he starts asking questions, do not tell him why you pulled away. Your job is to appear confident and completely fine without him. This will make him more interested when he doesn’t feel you are going to immediately return to clinging to him. And, if you must discuss things, keep it short, simple and without a lot of emotion. Than can help to draw him back in.

Most of all, if you want to know how you can get him back, you must avoid any big emotional scene. That will make your friend want to run in the opposite direction. He doesn’t want to be responsible for your happiness or healing. That is up to you as it should be. 

Good luck!

Wishing you love,

Ronnie

Broken Hearted at the Holidays

How to Fix a Broken Heart

Dear Ronnie The Dating Coach,

“I am very upset this holiday because my boyfriend broke up with me. He was driving me crazy because he does not have much time for me. He is in college full time, works 3-4 days a week at night, and fixes his grandma’s house. Plus he lives 2 hours away and we only saw each other once or two times a month for a few hours a day. We dated for 7 months, then broke up. It has been 10 months and we still have not met to talk things out. I am a mess

But, what makes me really mad is that he has a friend Linda (for 27 years) and sees her a lot.  I got jealous because he goes on single bus trips with her and never made time for me anymore. We had a big fight and broke up. I saw your website and wondered, can you help me fix a broken heart?”

Broken-hearted Woman

 

Dear Broken-hearted,

Breakups are never fun and things can feel worse over the holidays. So I empathize with you on how that feels.

You have asked me for help with a broken heart and I have written other blog posts about that. For a quick reminder here are a few things you can do that will help:

1. Remember the things that made you made about your boyfriend whenever you start missing him and focusing only on what was good.

2. Do anything you can to build your self-esteem, such as getting a new hair style, new make up, a few new outfits, working with a personal trainer, prayer, etc.

3. Spend time with girlfriends and family – people who will make you laugh and feel happy.

4. Distract yourself by reading a good book, watching movies, exercising, starting a new project or taking up a new hobby.

5. You can read more from another post here.

What I really want to talk with you about is why you want a man back who treated you so poorly. This is a list of the things your boyfriend did that hurt your feelings:

  • He didn’t make you a priority
  • Was too busy to see you
  • Spent time with a female friend vs. you
  • Goes on singles bus trips without you
  • Didn’t talk to you about the breakup

This man didn’t value you as a girlfriend – at least not that I can tell from your email.I think you deserve a better man. You deserve a man who treats you right, wants to see you, wants to spend time with you, enjoys your company and is concerned about your feelings.

Your boyfriend was not ready for a relationship and his actions proved that over and over again. As a dating coach for women, I advise you to do what you can to let him go and seek a better man who will value you as a woman and girlfriend.

Wishing you love,

 

 

Ronnie Ann Ryan – The Dating Coach

 

Photo Credit: WolfSoul

Rejection Email Goes Viral: Rule #1 – Never Write it Down!

Women often seek my dating advice on how to let a man know you’re not interested. This is tricky because you never really know who you are dealing with. Case in point – this article from the Huffington Post about an investment manager’s embarrassing email asking why he didn’t get  a second date.

It seems Mike and Lauren went out on one date and they each had differing opinions about how it went. Since Lauren didn’t respond to Mike’s subsequent emails and calls, we can safely assume  she didn’t think it went so well. We aren’t privy to the reason, but once you read the article – you can get a few good ideas – like maybe Mike’s completely off his rocker.

On the other hand, Mike thought their first date went very well. He thinks they are a great match because they both like classical music. And he can’t understand why she won’t go out with him again for several reasons:

1. She demonstrated that she liked him by playing with her hair

2. She’s very busy and he’s conveniently located

3. He makes good money and contrary to her belief, managing his parents money is a REAL job.

After emailing and calling Lauren to no avail, Mike googled and found her email address. Then he wrote and sent the amazingly long note which somehow got posted in Reddit and ended it up in the Huffington Post.

The email clearly demonstrates the full extent of Mike’s lunacy. While he berates Lauren for leading him on with her hair twirling, eye contact and conversation, he intersperses his scary diatribe with the disclaimer “…unless you do still want to go out with me”.

Say Very Little
This is why I tell my dating coaching clients to say very little about why you no longer want to see a guy, especially if you’ve only had one to three dates. Keep things very simple by blaming your choice of not wanting to see him again on chemistry. I recommend saying something as simple as, “I enjoyed meeting you, but feel the chemistry isn’t quite there. Wishing you luck with your search.” That’s it!

I Learned this the Hard Way
The first man I dated (out of 30) to find  my husband (of 11 years), was a great guy to jump back in the dating pool with even though he wasn’t the right man for me. Jack was too old, not ready for the kind of relationship I wanted, geographically undesirable, to name a few things. However, he offered me some great dating practice which I was in dire need of.

No question, Jack seemed like a decent man, just not the right one for me. In fairness, it took me some time to figure this out, which is exactly the purpose of dating. Initially, I was willing to accept many of the things that turned out to not be good for me.

When I decided I didn’t want to see Jack any more, I foolishly wrote him a letter. It was kind (in my mind) saying what I did like about him. Naturally it also included what I didn’t like. I explained that I wanted a man who would spend more time with me. This seemed relatively harmless to me – its not saying anything bad about Jack – really just stated the obvious. He didn’t want to spend much time with me and I wanted someone who did. It’s not like I told him he wasn’t smart enough or cute enough right?

Men Feel Rejection Too
Ahhh, but rejection lands hard regardless of the reason. Never write it down!

Jack called leaving an extremely nasty message on my answering machine after reading my letter. I was shocked at how angry he was. I thought I had done such a nice job of letting him down gently. After all, I didn’t even say it was his fault. Seems that doesn’t matter. Rejection is painful no matter the reason. And if you went out with a man who likes to argue – you’ll have a fight on your hands.

No, You Don’t Want to Know
My female clients often complain that they wish they knew why a man never called again or didn’t ask for a second, third or fourth date. Truth is, you do not want to know. Chances are it’s something you cannot change, nor would you want to. Often the guy decided you weren’t the right one, which doesn’t mean you aren’t attractive or a great woman.

Rejection is part of dating and part of life. Since you never know if the seemingly normal guy you went out with is nuts or nice, don’t give him anything to fuel the fire. Say nothing like Lauren or as little as possible. Mike got mad and stalked her, but that was his own doing. Can you imagine his reaction had she actually told him why she didn’t want to see him again?

Frankly, I’m a little worried for her now that this has gone public.

 

Photo Credit: MargaretKillJoy