Tag Archives: mixed signals

Why Do Men Pull Away and What Can I Do?

You want to know why do men pull away? Get empowering insights about understanding men, why he disappeared and what you can do in this Q&A post.

Why Do Men Pull AwayWhy Men Pull Away After Getting Close

“Dear Dating Coach Ronnie,

A man whom I’ve known for 25 years helped me with a work project and I fell for him. We went to lunch and had coffee many times over the past few months (he always paid). Went to a movie and also had dinner a few times.

He told me he liked me and I said the same about him. I see how he looks at me with desire. He even told me I have this sexiness about me! But now he says he’s been alone for too long to get involved again. Then in the next breath he asks me out to see a movie.

Right now he seems to be a ghost in terms of spending time together. So how come, if he sees me, he always stops to chat? What the heck is going on?

We have so much in common and he agrees with that. There is this chemistry we have when we see each other but maybe it’s just not enough. I’m so attracted to him and when we see each other it’s not like we stand 10 feet apart.

I guess it’s not the right timing for him, but I can’t stop thinking about him. What can I do?

Thanks for your advice in advance,
Casandra”
Hi Casandra,

I feel your pain and I know how hard this is for you. So many women ask me, “Why do men pull away?” When a man sends mixed signals like this it’s terribly tormenting. But I’m going to be straight with you so you know the truth.

Why Do Men Pull Away? There Are Many Reasons!

  • He may have been hurt in the past and never recovered
  • He may have other priorities besides dating and love
  • He might not want the responsibility of a relationship
  • He might not be emotionally available due to childhood issues
  • He might realize he can’t give you what you want

Why men pull away when things get serious causes emotional distress for women all over the world. There are countless reasons for why he disappeared or put distance between you. It’s a gigantic red flag because it points to his inner conflicts that are keeping him single. And he is the only one who can resolve them.

Nothing you do can shift his inner conflict for him.

 

In this case, there is another problem getting in the way of you connecting.

He Doesn’t Want a Relationship

When a man tells you he doesn’t want a relationship by saying something like, “It’s been too long,” there is absolutely nothing you can do. Any time a man says something to push you away, believe him. Take him for his word when he says:

  • “He’s not looking for a relationship”
  • “He doesn’t want to get serious”
  • “He doesn’t want a relationship but is happy to see what happen as he gets to know you.”

What all of these lines have in common is what MEN DO NOT WANT – which is a serious relationship. Even if he’s willing to get to know you to see where things go, that’s just a DISTRACTION from the first part of the sentence which was HE DOESN’T WANT A RELATIONSHIP.

See, a man has to want the same thing you want for things to work out. In other words, you both need to have the same agenda. Or at least he can’t be ruling out the relationship agenda.

THIS IS A MAJOR PIECE OF COMPATIBILITY that most WOMEN IGNORE. We do this because we think his obvious interest is enough. Unfortunately…

Attraction, attention and chemistry are NOT ENOUGH to build a lasting relationship.

A man has to WANT a RELATIONSHIP or not be opposed to getting seriously involved for things to work out in the long run. If his desire is not present, then all the flirting, butterflies, and interest will not shift into the romance you want or lasting love.

Should You Wait Hoping He’ll Come Around?

If you decide to hold out hope for this guy, here is what’s going to happen. First you won’t notice other men who are interested because you’ll be wrapped up with this guy. Your heart will not remain open to men who do want a relationship. So you’ll miss out on other prospects. And ultimately staying attached to this guy will keep you stuck in desire for him and …single too.

What Can You Do?

The best thing you can do is steer clear of him for long enough so you can detach. Let your feelings die down. Out-of-sight really can help a lot to get him out of your head and heart. The last thing you want to do is think you are a victim of your feelings and you cannot help it. This is a powerless stance and definitely, 100% NOT TRUE.

It might not be easy but you can let go and move. Especially if you want to find real, lasting love. Hankering after Mr. ItsBeenTooLong will make you miserable and keep you single. Don’t do it. Here are some empowering suggestions to help you let go:

  • Go on vacation
  • Visit a friend for a long weekend
  • Learn positive self talk like, “You deserve a relationship ready man”
  • Start interacting and flirting with other men
  • Start a new project or take a new class
  • Volunteer and do charity work
  • Post a profile online and meet new men

Once you manage to detach and the longing subsides, then you can be friends if you want. I don’t recommend this but with enough time it can be possible.

So Cassandra, that sums up my answer to why do men pull away, Most importantly, they are not relationship ready and the minute you figure this out about any man, the very best thing you can do is move on. There are plenty more fish in the sea and men who would be more compatible partners.

Wishing you love,

why do men pull away

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Dating After Divorce: His Mixed Signals Confuse Me!

dating after divorce, mixed signals, find love

Dating After Divorce – His Mixed Signals Confuse Me

Are you dating after divorce and confused about the mixed signals men send? Read on to unravel the mystery of this woman’s dating experience and what the man’s mixed signals really mean.

Hi Ronnie – The Dating Coach,

I’m so confused. I had been seeing a guy who began pulling away and then “came around” and started pursuing me again. I didn’t ask why he’d been away, but also didn’t change in letting him see me when he wanted. I got angry the other evening because he neglected to respond to a message I sent asking when he could help me with something HE suggested he wanted to help me with. (DIY house stuff.) Basically I told him I was done. He replied by saying he had opened up to me 100% unfiltered (broke my heart as everything I’m reading says that’s the true way to tell he likes you and yes he had confided some stuff in me).

We used to be physically closer, kissing, cuddling, but I felt that I was the aggressor so I backed off. After that there wasn’t any close contact, but he continued to want to see me and we had deep conversations. The last time we saw each other (before I “lost it”) he actually began asking me more about me. :/

I realize a slow start to a relationship is definitely more likely to result in a true connection, but I felt we were going backwards. He sends mixed signals  and I was feeling used since we’ve never been out, he always comes to my house to hang out. He doesn’t try to get me in bed either. I’m a little older than he is and I feel more like a confidant or big sister type than a romantic interest.

What I need to know is if there’s any hope that he really does like me and what, if anything, I can do at this point to undue the unpleasant feelings I gave him by saying I was done? I know I shouldn’t chase him. I guess I just need to know if there is anything I can/should do to let him know that the door is open and it’s okay to contact me and that his interactions with me won’t be unpleasant vs just hoping he’ll miss me enough to contact me.

I finally “get it” about what I need to do – after all of these years – and I just hope it’s not too late for us. Until recently I hadn’t dated for 4 years. This guy is the only one I’ve dated since I started dating again that has held my interest.

Thanks!Mixed Signals in Massachusetts

Dear Mixed,

I think you are right about being his confidant and not a romantic interest. You can’t be “going slow at the start” since you are not at the beginning of dating with this guy. The “going backwards” comment you made is more accurate. He’s treating you like a friend, and not a very good one if he doesn’t follow through on his promises to help you.

Companionship Vs. Romance
Don’t be too hard on yourself for blowing up at him. Sometimes dating after divorce is hard. When you feel frustrated and confused like this, it happens. My question is what do you see in him and why do you want him back? Since there isn’t any romance, is it just about the companionship? Nothing wrong with that, but don’t expect things to turn around. He has no intention of being in a relationship with you or falling in love,  if he is even capable of that.

It’s All About Him
When a man confides in a woman, that does demonstrate a level of trust. But, without reliable communication, regular dates, romance or physical intimacy, I don’t think you should take this as a sign of interest. It’s all about him and his needs the way you describe it, since he doesn’t even take you out! No wonder you feel used.

This man benefits tremendously from your friendship and emotional support. But it’s all on his terms. Sometimes women offer emotional support in the hopes of getting love in return. You might want to read this other dating after divorce post for more details.

Keep That Door Shut
Since you already cut him off, my dating after divorce advice is to leave things be. He’s not the right man for you unless you want a self-centered man who lacks a generous spirit and doesn’t consider you a romantic interest. After four years, can that really be what you are seeking? I sure hope not.

Dating After Divorce? Let Men Pursue You
Please move on, heal, and then get back out there to find a man who is romantically interested in you. No hanging out with any new guys either  – that is casual dating at best. Go out on dates. Let men pursue you, call, text and ask you out. Let men do the initiating and then you won’t end up with a man like this who is taking advantage of your good nature and desire for love.

There are much better men out there who want a loving relationship with a woman like you. Make yourself available so they can find you.

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Mixed Signals – What His Inconsistency Tells You

Mixed Signals from Men

Mixed Signals Cause Dating Confusion

Dear Ronnie – The Dating Coach

I’ve been talking to this cute guy for three months. We have gone out a few times and it’s been a blast. But, he keeps giving me different signals so I feel confused about us. Sometimes he acts like he likes me and sometimes he acts like he doesn’t.

Is He Into Me?

Most of the time I contact him first, usually by text. He does respond but doesn’t really initiate. What do you think I should do? What’s your professional opinion on this guy?

Texting Gal

Dear TG,

Initially, the best thing to do is let the man lead – that’s the only way you can know if he is really interested. What does that mean? Don’t text, email or call him, UNLESS he does so FIRST.

During the beginning of dating, letting the man lead will help you gather important information about your date. How often does he text or email? More importantly, how often does he call and want to see you? Some men are happy to text quickly, but don’t really spend the necessary time connecting to build a solid relationship. This can be a sign of lacking interest, laziness, casualness, etc.

That’s why I recommend that all my dating coaching clients who are dating over 40 or dating after divorce hold off on contacting the guy. Give him a chance to show you  what his intentions are. Observing a man’s actions is so much better than his words to find out if a guy is really into you.

However, you’ve already been interacting and sort of dating for a few months. So you can’t really start over which makes things a bit more difficult for you.

I’m going to take a risk and be really honest and direct with you since you did ask for my professional opinion.

Mixed Signals – What His Inconsistency Tells You

A man who is inconsistent can be a symptom of several unwanted dating behaviors. He might be sending mixed signals because he’s:

  • Dating lots of women
  • Not emotionally available
  • Not sure what he wants
  • Keeping you “on the line” as a time filler
  • Wanting a source for intimacy that doesn’t require much effort

However, one thing I am most certain of and I’m sorry to say this, he’s not seriously interested in you. And when a man isn’t seriously interested, you have very little leverage or power to change things. So, please heed my advice and don’t bother trying.

Make it a point to go out and flirt with some new guys to find a man who will consistently call, text and see you. You deserve so much more from a romantic partner. Don’t put up with this nonsense thinking its going any where. If you find yourself wondering “Is he into me?”, that’s  a sign.

I suggest that you move on to find a man who wants a relationship with you. In case you need help recognizing that in a man, here’s what to watch for:

  • He’ll call at least once a week or more
  • Take you on dates  at least once a week
  • He’ll text in between and stay in touch
  • He wants to get to know you
  • He’ll try to please you and win you over
  • He’ll introduce you to friends and family
  • He’ll ask you to be exclusive (this can take a couple of months)

If you meet enough men, you’ll find a good one and the right one for you!

Wishing you love,
mixed signals

 


P.S. Want more savvy dating advice? Get my free book His Mixed Signals Are So Confusing! Find Out What He Really Means and subscribe to my newsletter to get empowering dating insights right in your inbox.

 

Photo Credit: Andreanna Moya Photography

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Dating Over 40: Beware of this Guy

My friend and fellow dating blogger, Terry Hernon MacDonald, author of How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams wrote a fabulous post the other day. It’s so good I have to share it with you.

“This happens a lot:

Girl meets guy (usually on some Internet site). Girl is lukewarm about guy. Guy seems really, really hot on girl. Girl decides to give guy a chance. Guy talks about how he’d like to get married one day. Asks girl if she’d like to get married one day.

On a later date, he asks her if she’d consider moving nearer to his area. At this point, she realizes a) he does seem like a pretty good catch, and b) he’s clearly not afraid of commitment, which is a plus.

She decides to keep seeing him. She talks herself into liking him more and more. She changes her relationship status on Facebook to ‘In a Relationship.’ They have a lot in common. She likes photography. So does he. She likes jazz. So does he. She likes Indian food. So does he.

He continues to talk about the future. She finds herself falling for him. Hey, she’d be crazy not to, right? But then he calls one night — 24 hours after they enjoyed a splendid restaurant meal together — and says, “I don’t know how much of a commitment I can give you.”

She’s stunned. She’s shocked. She’s thinking, “IS THIS GUY BREAKING UP WITH ME??” Sure enough, he is. (Not that he comes out and tells her, of course. The clown just stops calling.) She spends some time beating herself up. What did she do wrong? How did she offend him? How did she blow this?

Thing is, she didn’t.

When a man starts talking marriage, future, commitment too soon, it’s very possible he’s GAUGING YOUR INTEREST IN HIM. It’s all about him, you see: Do you like him? Do you think he’s attractive? Would you consider getting to know him better? It’s an ego trip, and it likely has very little to do with you.

And once this type of individual finds out his new female acquaintance is open to a future with him, he gets the ego boost he came for, and he disappears like the last Cheet-o from the bottom of the bag.

How do you prevent this from happening to you?

If a man starts talking about the possibility of marriage sooner than you’re comfortable with it, HEED YOUR INSTINCTS. Very politely say, “You seem like a great guy. Let’s enjoy getting to know each other for the time being.” And gently change the subject. Remember, if a guy is truly interested, you can’t scare him away that easily. He’ll stick around.”

And here is the comment I posted on her blog:

Terry – its all about him – BRILLIANT! I never thought about it that way – that a man says those things to gauge a woman’s interest about HIM. As a dating coach for women, naturally this comes up more than you’d like to think. Of course I tell my clients that they didn’t do anything wrong and the guy is probably a romance junkie – once the initial chase is over, he moves on because its the chase that he loves, not the woman.

But thinking about your point – that meshes beautifully – because with a romance junkie – its all about him there too! His overactive need to be seen as the most romantic wonderful man, before he moves on to recreate that scenario over and over again.

Listen to Terry. When you encounter a man who is all hearts and flowers, moving fast towards a future together, red flags should fly. Occasionally this is real. But more often, its a sign of an imbalanced men seeking the thrill of continuous new romance.