Tag Archives: let him lead

Should I Call A Guy & Other Dating Questions Women Want Answered

Can you call a guy or is that a bad idea?There are a number of dating questions like “Should I call him?” that women want answered and that’s what I’ll do in this post.

should you call a guyShould I Call Him?

You met this great guy at a friend’s party or some networking event and really hit it off big time. You exchanged numbers, but now three days have gone by and you haven’t heard from him. Honestly, you find this a bit surprising. So, the thought comes to mind rather naturally, should I call him?

This is question that women struggle with at every age and across the globe. What’s the best way to handle this situation where you felt a strong connection, yet nothing is happening? You may even think being a modern woman that there’s no big deal today about calling a man.

The women who wrote the book, The Rules had plenty to say on this topic. From a traditional standpoint, the authors are emphatically against making the call. They would say no way should you call a guy. Ever.

When Is It OK To Call Him?

Honestly I don’t advise calling men as a rule either.  Women who do this tend to get very frustrated and feel like they are doing all the work in the relationship. And it’s true – they ARE. That’s the very reason I recommend NOT to call a guy.

Sometimes, you feel like if you don’t call, you are gong to totally burst or lose it somehow. OK then, if you must go ahead and call a guy ONCE. You can reach out and leave a fun flirty message, just don’t ask him why he hasn’t called. or that you were waiting for this call. You don’t want to look desperate and often initiating can make you appear that way. So whatever you say, keep it light and fun.

How A Man Gets Invested In You

What you REALLY need to know is how a man gets invested in you. To understand men, first you need to realize that much of dating is still based in our DNA and that is ancient. Dating behavior in men has not completely caught up to gender equality in many societies.

Things have improved is a bit in Scandinavian countries where gender equality has really taken hold. And in the USA for the under 30 crowd, gender roles are bit more balanced and progressive.  But for men over 40, your best strategy is to go traditional and let the man lead.

The Chase Is Like the Hunt

Hearkening back to the hunter-gatherer period in human history, men hunted to feed their family and the tribe. This is in our DNA as evidenced by the fact that today men still have better long distance vision than women. This was so they could hunt well and bring home the meat for basic survival.

On the other hand, women have better peripheral vision to gather food and watch the children. So, these skill sets are not learned as much as coded into each of us. That’s why men like to pursue women. Since they don’t need to hunt for food to survive, they enjoy sports and pursuing women. And that is how a man gets invested in you.

Why You Don’t Want to Call

Let’s take a good look at how this works. Let’s say you call a guy because you haven’t heard from him after your first encounter. He sounds happy to hear from you which is great! You talk about getting together and he says he’ll get back to you with a date ad time. Perfect.

A week goes by and you haven’t heard from him again. You wonder, “Should I call him? I already called him once.” But what the heck, you decide to give it another shot. The good news is he’s happy to hear from you and sets up the date. After a fabulous date you are really excited. But time ticks by and again he hasn’t called. Now what?

This is now a pattern. You call him and he’s happy but he makes no move on his own. Is this a man seriously interested n you? NO WAY! He might respond when you call, but it’s all on your girlfriend. And that is NOT a good sign if you want lasting love.

Men Want to Win You Over

Once you set up a pattern, it’s next to impossible to change. So don’t even get started. Or promised yourself you won’t call more than once, ever. Then keep that promise no matter who you meet or how great he seems.

Going back to DNA, men want to pursue you and win you over. This is why I always say the chase is still alive. When you are not overly available, (i.e. not doing all the work, contacting him and setting up dates,), he gets invested in winning you over. You become a challenge and so he wants to see it through to win you over and claim you as his.

I know this is shockingly archaic, but that’s how it is over 40. men between 30 and 40 may vary, some being more traditional and some being more hip so that’s a tough age range. But over 40, they are still coming from this place.

Will You Let Him Win?

via GIPHY

Now that you understand what is going on, will you still call a guy? Or will you wait to see if he calls you? Because if a man doesn’t call you, you have to come to grips with the fact that he wasn’t that into you. Even if you had the strongest connection in the moment, and hot chemistry it just wasn’t enough.

He might not want a girlfriend, he might have a girlfriend, he might be too busy for a girlfriend or even to date you.  Or any number of other reasons why he never picked up the phone and called to say hi or ask you out.

Learn to lean back as they say and allow him to be the man. Either he’ll want to be in touch, or he won’t. But you’ll never embarrass yourself by not calling him. If you want to learn more, you can read my post on the Ballroom Theory of Dating.

When Should I Call Him?

After you’ve had 6-8 dates within 6 weeks or so, then things change a bit and you can call once for every three calls he makes. This is just a guideline. You still want to give the man space.

Or you can “mirror” what he does. Certainly call back when he reaches out or texts. And you can take turns so after he calls and you talk or call back, you can reach out the next time. I still vote for less being better. Just don’t go over what he does because chances are he might easily get uncomfortable or worse, turned off.

What If He Just Stops Calling?

If a man you went on a few dates with stops calling, then he’s lost interest. Don’t take this to heart. He might not know what he wants, might not be ready for a relationship or might have decided the two of you are not a match. Better than investing months and finding out later.

Ghosting is common, but the truth is – this has always been the way.  When I was dating to find love, most of the 30 men went on only one date with me and were never herd from again. That’s why you want to date more than one man at a time – to hedge your bets and keep dating until you find a man who sticks around.

 

If you want more about how to attract a quality high-caliber man, listen to my Free audio program 5 Surefire Ways to attract a Quality Man

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t Pursue Him, Or You ‘ll Make Him Run

Don't Pursue Him

Running From Your Aggressive Moves

Here’s a little secret I don’t tell everybody…I have a few male dating coaching clients as well. I love coaching men because I learn so much about how they think to share with all of you!

Don’t Pursue Him – It’s a Big Mistake

Recently, my client, Ken, told me about a woman he just met online. The first date was on a Saturday night, lasted for about six hours and went very well. Ken found her to be a lot of fun to talk to and really enjoyed her company.  (Ken and I have some work to do because first dates should never last this long.)

Let me share background on Ken. He is a good looking guy in his 50’s. He’s practical, down-to-earth and easy to talk to.  This is a man who has done his healing after divorce and wants a long-term, loving, relationship with the right woman.

Since he liked Sandra a lot, he made a second date at the end of the first. He suggested getting together a week later on Sunday night, which Sandra was happy to accept.

Now, this is where the story gets bumpy. Apparently, Sandra is very hot on Ken. She is not managing her enthusiasm and letting the man lead during the initial courtship. Sandra made a series of what I call “Fatal Errors” that caused her to look over-eager and a little bit desperate. Here is my advice as a dating coach for women in midlife (or at any age really).

1. Don’t call him in the beginning
She couldn’t wait the eight days for the second date that Ken set up. So she took matters into her own hands and called him. Some men feel like you are invading their private space when you do this, so it’s a risk.

2. Don’t pursue him. Let him ask you out so you know he is interested.
While Sandra had Ken on the phone, she asked him out for Thursday night, creating her own second date. Ken’s a nice guy and frankly felt flattered. So he agreed to meet her Thursday.

3. Don’t buy men gifts!
When Ken arrived at the designated meeting place for date two, Sandra had not one but two gifts for him. They had talked about favorite books and wine, so she bought him one of each.

4. Don’t have marathon dates.
There is some driving distance between where Sandra and Ken live, so the dates have been longer than usual. Date two was also more than six hours.

You may think I am overreacting but I assure you that I AM NOT. This is what Ken said to me after the second date.

“Well now I have my third date in a week coming up. I’m not sure I want to spend that much time with her so quickly. She bought me gifts you know. Why did she do that? I mean it was nice and all, but I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t have anything to give her. It was awkward. I was flattered that she called and asked me out and I had a good time, but now it feels like too much to be seeing her again so soon. I just started dating online and want to meet other women, so now what do I do?”

In truth, Ken played a role in some of these mistakes.
– He didn’t keep the first date short.
– He accepted her date request rather than waiting.
– He didn’t go slow at first to avoid letting things get serious too quickly.

Single Gals, Please Hang Back and Let the Man Lead – You Can’t Go Wrong
Regardless of the mistakes Ken made, it’s your job as a woman to manage some of the dating mechanics. Please control your enthusiasm so you don’t appear over-anxious or worse – desperate. Don’t call men, try to speed things up or ask them out on dates in the beginning. And don’t buy them gifts for any reason, unless it’s a birthday, then get a token gift. This all boils down to the basic rule of thumb – don’t pursue him.

Don’t Lose the Only Advantage You Have!
Wait to see what a man will do of his own accord to win you over. If you do not do this, you lose the only advantage you have to observe his behavior and collect information about how interested he really is in you.

What Seems Like A Nice Thing Can Negatively Impact His Masculine Ego
The risk of you initiating is HUGE because you could make the guy uncomfortable and look elsewhere for women who make him feel good about his masculine energy or enhance it. That’s the problem!

If you pursue him, chase him, call him, ask him out and buy him gifts, you are USURPING HIS MASCULINE ENERGY and emasculating him. This will never help him feel good about you, so DON’T DO IT!

Learn from Sandra and Don’t Make These Aggressive Fatal Dating Errors
You want a good man to grow more attracted to you. Give him the space and time to pursue you and get invested in you. Men are slower to bond and there is nothing you can do to hurry this process for him. Your efforts to let him lead will usually be rewarded. But at the very least, you won’t send men away suspicious and worried that you like him too much too quickly – like the movie Fatal Attraction.

***********

PS. If you’ve made this dating mistake, listen to my Free Audio Program 12 First Date Mistakes Women Make that Ruin Your Chance for Love.  Or schedule a Free 30-minute conversation with me to discover how coaching can help.

 

Save

Save

Save