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How to Know If He’s a Player – Understanding Men

How to know if he’s a player matters to every single woman on the planet. If you’ve been taken in by a sweet talker find out the signs to watch for.

how to know if he's a playerSpotting a Player Is Simple When You How

You go out to mingle and meet an amazing guy. He’s handsome, well-spoken and worldly. He flatters you and makes you feel very special. You feel an incredible connection so quickly and the chemistry is off the charts. Even though you just met him, you feel like you’ve know him forever.

Most likely, you’ve met a player.

What Is a Player?

A player is a man who seems to know every hot button a woman wants to hear. Regardless of which woman, he can figure out what makes you tick and he’s soooo good at it. He’s a pro at seduction. Somehow, he seems to have read the book on women because he knows exactly how to make you fall for him in an instant.

He gains your trust easily and before you know it he has convinced you to go off with him some place more private. How romantic! You just can’t help yourself and before you know it you’ve made love and are glowing.

Too bad you’ll never see him again. He’s a player and is only interested in the conquest – then he’s off to find another unsuspecting single gal.

After, you feel hurt, used and so very sad. How could this have happened to you? Why would he do such a thing? He seemed like he really liked you. How could you be such a poor judge of character?

You curse him and then you beat yourself up for being so foolish to be taken in by the likes of him. You think he’s the scum of the earth and totally romantic at the very same time. It’s so confusing and devastatingly emotional.

Has this happened to you? I know how painful it is because I’ve been through it myself. But don’t be too hard on yourself. We all have a romance novel in our heads and sometimes we fall for it. Join the club!

The trick is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and go back out there to meet new men – better more sincere guys. And of course learn how to know if he’s a player!

5 Ways to Spot a Player

Below I reveal how to know if he’s a player which you can usually figure out fairly quickly once you know the signs to watch for.

1. He’s So Into You

When a man is so into you with a matter of minutes, beware! You probably wonder why he’s so into you but it feels so good to get this attention, you push your rationale brain to the side. Soaking in the attention awakens desire that may have long been dormant.

Sit back and think about this objectively. No man can be that interested that quickly. It takes time to get to know someone. He may be incredibly attracted to you but that doesn’t mean he knows you – and you don’t know him either. Don’t fall for this player even though he’s dreamy.

2. He Opens Up to You

Maybe you meet this guy online and before you even meet, he opens up deeply and shares private details about his life. You cannot believe it! He must be into you or why would he tell you those personal things?

This player creates a deep level of trust by sharing his life. It’s seductive. When you are mesmerized, he pulls you into his web and sleeps with you. Then he disappears. Don’t be fooled by this player type who shares deeply. You need to get to know him over time just like any other man.

3. He’s So Charming

This man is a master of charm like George Clooney. He’s got a twinkle in his eye which lets you know he’s got some mischief in him. His wonderful laugh makes you feel fabulous. He looks deeply into your eyes and sees your soul. Then you are lost.

A charmer looks for women who have been deprived of attention and knows when he pays attention to you, gets close, touches you, you will melt into his hands. enjoy the charmer but hold off on sleeping with him to see how long he sticks around. Usually – not very long.

4.  He’s Got a Sad Story

A man with a sad story takes advantage of your caring nature. He knows some women are uncontrollably drawn to men who are down on their luck, especially with love troubles. maybe he had a wife who didn’t understand him or treated him poorly. He pulls on your heart strings and you can’t stop yourself from wanting to help.

But Mr. Sad Story is not your problem or your project. My advice is to let him figure out his own solutions. A man is not a lost puppy so don’t put yourself out to save him or he’ll take everything you’ve got. Even if he’s not after your money, he can drain your energy and life force from you. Stay clear of this player type.

5. He Says Your “The One”

There are men who will tell you on the very first meeting and sometimes in the email or phone call before you meet that they already know you are “The One”. He is similar to the guy who is so into you. He’ll tell you that you are the woman he’s been waiting for and hoping to meet.

The problem is this is total nonsense. No one can tell that fast and even for people who said they knew the minute they saw a woman they’d marry her – they certainly don’t say that out loud! A man only share such an emotional reaction because he knows that will bring you close and help you trust him.

Too bad he’ll break that trust quickly once he gets into your pants. If you ever find yourself amazed that something so wonderful is happening to you so quickly and are being swept off your feet – STOP! Remember if something feels too good to be true, it usually is.

Players Come in All Ages

Yes there are players in their 20’s and 60s. Don’t think for one minute that older men wouldn’t be bother with such hi-jinx. Or yes they will if they want to get you into bed. Age is not relevant when it comes to players. The little blue pill (Viagra) has made this all possible.

How to Know If He’s a Player

So those are five of my best clues to spot a player quickly. Most of the signs boil down to not falling for a man in a night or two just because he’s playing these games with your head. Know that if he’s sincere, he’ll wait to sleep with you. Hold off and get to know him over time. That’s the bet way to guard your heart and keep yourself safe from players.

 

Ready for more savvy dating advice for women? Get my free book 7 Dire Dating Mistakes That Keep You Single

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Why Do Men Pull Away and What Can I Do?

You want to know why do men pull away? Get empowering insights about understanding men, why he disappeared and what you can do in this Q&A post.

Why Do Men Pull AwayWhy Men Pull Away After Getting Close

“Dear Dating Coach Ronnie,

A man whom I’ve known for 25 years helped me with a work project and I fell for him. We went to lunch and had coffee many times over the past few months (he always paid). Went to a movie and also had dinner a few times.

He told me he liked me and I said the same about him. I see how he looks at me with desire. He even told me I have this sexiness about me! But now he says he’s been alone for too long to get involved again. Then in the next breath he asks me out to see a movie.

Right now he seems to be a ghost in terms of spending time together. So how come, if he sees me, he always stops to chat? What the heck is going on?

We have so much in common and he agrees with that. There is this chemistry we have when we see each other but maybe it’s just not enough. I’m so attracted to him and when we see each other it’s not like we stand 10 feet apart.

I guess it’s not the right timing for him, but I can’t stop thinking about him. What can I do?

Thanks for your advice in advance,
Casandra”
Hi Casandra,

I feel your pain and I know how hard this is for you. So many women ask me, “Why do men pull away?” When a man sends mixed signals like this it’s terribly tormenting. But I’m going to be straight with you so you know the truth.

Why Do Men Pull Away? There Are Many Reasons!

  • He may have been hurt in the past and never recovered
  • He may have other priorities besides dating and love
  • He might not want the responsibility of a relationship
  • He might not be emotionally available due to childhood issues
  • He might realize he can’t give you what you want

Why men pull away when things get serious causes emotional distress for women all over the world. There are countless reasons for why he disappeared or put distance between you. It’s a gigantic red flag because it points to his inner conflicts that are keeping him single. And he is the only one who can resolve them.

Nothing you do can shift his inner conflict for him.

 

In this case, there is another problem getting in the way of you connecting.

He Doesn’t Want a Relationship

When a man tells you he doesn’t want a relationship by saying something like, “It’s been too long,” there is absolutely nothing you can do. Any time a man says something to push you away, believe him. Take him for his word when he says:

  • “He’s not looking for a relationship”
  • “He doesn’t want to get serious”
  • “He doesn’t want a relationship but is happy to see what happen as he gets to know you.”

What all of these lines have in common is what MEN DO NOT WANT – which is a serious relationship. Even if he’s willing to get to know you to see where things go, that’s just a DISTRACTION from the first part of the sentence which was HE DOESN’T WANT A RELATIONSHIP.

See, a man has to want the same thing you want for things to work out. In other words, you both need to have the same agenda. Or at least he can’t be ruling out the relationship agenda.

THIS IS A MAJOR PIECE OF COMPATIBILITY that most WOMEN IGNORE. We do this because we think his obvious interest is enough. Unfortunately…

Attraction, attention and chemistry are NOT ENOUGH to build a lasting relationship.

A man has to WANT a RELATIONSHIP or not be opposed to getting seriously involved for things to work out in the long run. If his desire is not present, then all the flirting, butterflies, and interest will not shift into the romance you want or lasting love.

Should You Wait Hoping He’ll Come Around?

If you decide to hold out hope for this guy, here is what’s going to happen. First you won’t notice other men who are interested because you’ll be wrapped up with this guy. Your heart will not remain open to men who do want a relationship. So you’ll miss out on other prospects. And ultimately staying attached to this guy will keep you stuck in desire for him and …single too.

What Can You Do?

The best thing you can do is steer clear of him for long enough so you can detach. Let your feelings die down. Out-of-sight really can help a lot to get him out of your head and heart. The last thing you want to do is think you are a victim of your feelings and you cannot help it. This is a powerless stance and definitely, 100% NOT TRUE.

It might not be easy but you can let go and move. Especially if you want to find real, lasting love. Hankering after Mr. ItsBeenTooLong will make you miserable and keep you single. Don’t do it. Here are some empowering suggestions to help you let go:

  • Go on vacation
  • Visit a friend for a long weekend
  • Learn positive self talk like, “You deserve a relationship ready man”
  • Start interacting and flirting with other men
  • Start a new project or take a new class
  • Volunteer and do charity work
  • Post a profile online and meet new men

Once you manage to detach and the longing subsides, then you can be friends if you want. I don’t recommend this but with enough time it can be possible.

So Cassandra, that sums up my answer to why do men pull away, Most importantly, they are not relationship ready and the minute you figure this out about any man, the very best thing you can do is move on. There are plenty more fish in the sea and men who would be more compatible partners.

Wishing you love,

why do men pull away

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Understanding Men: Suddenly He’s Too Busy to See Me?

Need help understanding men? This post answers a question from a reader about men and explains what is happening when a guy tells you, “I’m so busy.”

understanding men“Dear Dating Coach Ronnie,

I need your help. We’ve been dating for almost a month. He’s been attentive, making dates, really into me and then suddenly –a week before Valentine’s Day– he didn’t make time to see me. At the end of every date or time together he has followed up quickly… and now nothing. No texts for 3 days.

So I sent him a text advising him of my first day off in 4 weeks. He quizzed me about the day asking when I’m free and what work I’m doing now. Then nothing until LATE last night, he sent a weird message about how he’s been so busy and “did you have a fantastic day?” What is that about? I’m so OVER this dating bullsh*t.

I really like this guy and i thought he really liked me, you know? But not talking to me at all for 3 days and then quizzing me instead of having a heart-felt conversation (like we’ve had numerous times up until now) doesn’t cut it.

I’m sure Valentine’s Day is playing a part in freaking him out. I don’t care too much about Valentine’s Day – I just enjoy spending time together. I feel he’s losing interest in me. I want to ignore him right now because I’m so angry. 🙁 I don’t know what to do. Please give me some of your dating advice.

Thanks,
No Texts in Texas”

 

Dear No Texts,

I’m sorry this is happening to you. It’s so hard when dating seems to be going well and then BOOM, it fizzles out. And you have no idea what went wrong. Of course this is certainly not uncommon – pretty much standard dating nonsense.

Is he freaked out by Valentine’s Day? Maybe. But if he were as into you as he was acting, why would he risk turning you off?  I’m going to guess something else is going on. When a man tells you he’s been so busy, that’s the biggest RED FLAG. He was so into and now he’s suddenly busy? I don’t think so.

I hate to break this to you, but “I’m so busy” is ManSpeak or code to cover a bunch of circumstances. Let me help you with understanding men and explain what those words could mean:

  • I’m not that into you any more
  • I met someone else
  • I don’t have time for you
  • Dating is not my priority right now
  • I’m done, but want to keep you hanging

He could also be pulling away like so many men do when things are going well and it occurs to them that a relationship is starting. That’s another reason why a guy might scamper off and become too busy. They do get scared about commitment and getting caught up in something. Usually this is the sign of an ambivalent man – one who isn’t sure what he wants.

There is no denying that dating is a process. It takes time to observe a man’s behavior in a variety of situations. You are watching for consistency in a man’s actions. This guy started out doing all the right things, but now he’s doing a disappearing act. I realize this kind of thing can take a toll on your heart.

I lived through this myself and it was tough no doubt. But I came up with a way to handle the disappointment and actually guard against it. When I was dating over 40 to find love, I noticed a lot of guys showed up gung ho, then evaporated. I also got sick of this quickly.

Date More Than One Man at a Time

For me, the solution was to date several men at the same time. Any man who pursued me and fit within my idea of a potential mate – I went out with him. This way, if a man was only around for one, two or three dates, I had other contenders in line.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. It’s not sleazy – it’s very smart dating strategy!  Especially for online dating – just expect men to be seeing other women until they tell you they want to be exclusive with you. Then you won’t be shocked when you find out you are not the only one.

Understanding Men – Realize Dating is a Glorified Sorting Process

The idea is to realize that dating is not the same as being in a relationship. From the first 4 – 8 dates, you are still in dating mode. Until you know you have a standing date on Saturday night (depending on schedules), you are NOT in a relationship.

Relationships take time to develop. Everything else is just dating where there is no commitment. The purpose of dating is to spend time with someone to evaluate his/her potential as a mate and decide if you want to invest more time getting to know each other.

So, it’s time to let go and  move on. Brush yourself off and start again. It’s not easy, but this is the only way you will find love. And believe me, if you persevere, YOU WILL FIND LOVE. I know because against all kinds of odds, I found an adorable man and we’ve been married now for nearly 15 years. I had no prospects when I started dating at 40, but found 30 guys to date in just 15 months.

Dating is a journey of self discovery. You are learning about yourself – what works and what doesn’t and how to react to keep yourself open to meeting more men. That’s the biggest secret of successful dating – don’t stop until you find the right one.

Wishing you love,

dating coach, understanding men, true love

 

 

PS. Learn more about understanding men’s mixed signals in my Free book His Mixed Signals Are So Confusing! Find Out What He Really Means and get my newsletter with helpful insightful and tips

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Understanding Men – STOP Waiting For Him To Call

understanding men

Understanding Men – Should I Call Him?

Do you find yourself waiting for the phone to ring? Waiting for him to call? Let me help you with understanding men and what you can do about it.

There is a lot of dating advice for women on this topic because it’s a tough issue that all single gals have to face. After a great first date and a strong connection, excitement builds. This is especially true at the end of your date, when he asks you for another.

He says he’ll call to set the next date up. So you wait … and wait. The stress builds and for some women turns to anxiety. But he doesn’t call and you feel more than disappointed – you feel devastated! How could he do that to you?

What’s a woman supposed to do? You may feel confused, rejected, or sink into despair. How could he not call when you had such a good time? You could tell he did, too. So, what’s the problem?

Understanding Men – Should I Call Him?

You might think calling him is the answer. Why not right? After all you’re both adults. This is a new era in dating. It’s easy to convince yourself that this is by far the quickest route to ending the tension and waiting.

But as a dating coach for women, I’m not a fan of calling men or initiating contact at the start of dating and here’s why.

  1. How Interested Is He?
    You want to know what a man will do without your prompting because that tells you how interested he truly is. If he can’t even make a call or ask you out, he’s not interested, no matter how great your first date seemed.
  2. You’ll Look Desperate
    When you pick up that phone and contact him, you risk looking desperate. Yes, even today many men will think that when they hear your voice on the other end of the phone. This is a fact when it comes to understanding men.
  3. You’ll Take Over Pursuit
    If you make that one call and it goes well, then you might be tempted to continue on this path. Every time he doesn’t call or ask you out again, you’ll be calling or texting to find out what’s happening and asking to see him again. Now you are chasing him and that never ends well. If you have to chase man, he definitely not that interested. But he may be curious enough to stick around and get lucky.

I know it’s not easy to deal with the angst of not knowing. It can drive you nuts wondering what is going on. Some women start to think he get sick or injured himself. Trust me, he’s perfectly fine but just not calling you.

Learn to Read Between the Lines

This might sound weird, but when a man doesn’t call you, he is still communicating loud and clear. He’s saying, “Sorry honey, I’m not that into you.” Once you catch on to the fact that this IS the message he is sending, now you’re on your way to understanding men.

The good news, you’ll stop waiting by the phone and free yourself up to move on to meet better men! Good men are out there. Don’t waste your Precious time waiting around for some guy to call. I don’t care who he is or how great a time you had or what a great catch he seems to be. He’s not the man for you or HE WOULD HAVE CALLED.

How Long Should You Wait for Him to Call

If you had a great with a man and you don’t hear from him in seven days, allow yourself to let go with grace. When a man is into you, he won’t wait a week. He’ll want to see you again and he’ll move heaven and earth to make that happen. Occasionally there are extenuating circumstances but that is a very rare thing. Don’t assume that applies to you because the odds are very strong he’s just not calling.

Why Did He Say He’d Call?

The hard truth is there are plenty of decent men out there who don’t want to hurt you, but don’t know what else to say. They feel saying, “I’ll call you” because they think this is what is expected. Many think not asking is too hard to get away with.

What Can You Do?

Be smart! Know that when a man says, “I’ll call you,” he most likely won’t. This way you won’t be waiting around or disappointed.  You can go about your business and meet other men. And if he does call, then that is a wonderful surprise!

If a man is genuinely interested, he’ll probably contact you with a few days and ask you out again for the following week. Now that’s a man with potential.

 

For more help with understanding men, schedule a Dating Discovery Session with me and check out my book Is He the One? and learn everything you need to know so you don’t get stuck wasting time.

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He Texts Me Everyday, But Doesn’t Ask Me Out

Are you having trouble understanding men and
why he texts you every day?

Understand MenYou are not alone wondering why “He texts me everyday so why doesn’t he ask me out?” This is such a constant problem for single women of any age.  I just got this email from a woman who is confused by the mixed signals she’s getting from a guy she had one date with. Maybe this has happened to you?

********

“Dear Ronnie,

I had a first date with a guy two weeks ago. It went really well and I texted him the next day. He said he was would love to see me, but was busy. I am having trouble understanding men.

Since then he texted me every three days. First he said he hoped he had time to see me at the weekend, so I thought he would call. At the weekend he texted me after 6pm on Saturday and said he was with a friend, but wished he knew I was free. Three days later he texted he would like to spend time with me this weekend. I replied I would be free. On Saturday, he texted me about 8:50pm and asked me how my day was. I texted back it was fine and he replied he spent the day painting for a friend.

Is he playing with me? Why does he hint he wants to ask me out, then does not?? Please help me with understanding men.

Thanks so much,
Texted and Confused in Missouri”

 

Dear Texted,

When a man says he wants to see you but, doesn’t make the time, its called “Stringing you along”. He is seeing someone else or a few other women, but wants to keep his options open with you in case the others don’t work out. A lot of men do this. (Women do it too.) I’ve also heard it referred to as “chatting you up” when a man calls to talk, but doesn’t ask you out.

Really its the same thing. The men who contact you with no intention of setting up a date or making time to see you are a dime a dozen.

Dating is a lot like playing poker

In addition, this guy purposefully texts you on Saturday night  to see if you are home or out. He’s doing some detective work on you. If you answered his texts right away, you communicated unwittingly that you have nothing else to do. Plus, you revealed that you are very interested and hopeful about him.

As I would tell any of my dating coaching clients, your responses have actually lowered his attraction to you. Had you been busy and responded a few hours later or the next day, that would have made him more curious about you. A woman who is busy and sought after, is always more attractive.

Dating is a lot like playing poker, you don’t want to show your hand because you give the game away. In this case, you don’t want a man to know you have nothing to do on a Saturday night or that you are more interested in him than he is in you.

Understanding Men: If He’s Truly Interested, He Will Ask You Out!

As a dating coach for over 14 years, one thing I know for sure  – when a man is truly interested in you, he will ask you out. He’ll want to see you. No matter what that man has to do, he will fit you into his schedule. So, painting “for a friend” (probably his current girlfriend) on a Saturday night would not get in his way.

My advice is to ignore his meaningless texts and let him go. But, let me warn you, ignoring him may cause his interest in you to increase. That’s because you are invoking “the chase” which men still get hooked on. The chase is still alive and well. Men like to work towards a goal.

That’s why I advise my dating coaching clients not to text, email or call a man the day after a first date. Don’t invade his space by communicating. Instead, thank him on the date and tell him you had a good time. Then, in basketball terms, drop the ball in his court and leave it there. If he’s interested, he’ll pick up the ball to call and ask you out.

So, if Mr. Text suddenly starts showing you more interest or calls to ask you out, please remember this. After one date he decided not to see you again and started stringing you along. Is that really the kind of guy worth dating? Is that the kind of guy you want to open your heart to? I doubt it.

Wishing you love,

he texts me everyday

 

PS. If you want help understanding men and their mixed signals, get my newsletter and my free book His Mixed Signals Are So Confusing! Find Out What He Really Means here

 

Photo Credit: The Unquiet Librarian

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What Emotion Is the Biggest Turn Off for Men on a First Date?

The Biggest Turn Off is an Angry Woman

On a first date, do you know the single emotion men dread most? It might not be what you think.

You might think they hate to deal with sadness from a past relationship or a woman who appears needy. Granted, those are two impressions that probably won’t bode well for a second date either. But they aren’t the worst. Oh no.

The most feared and disliked emotion that a woman can display is ANGER. Yes, anger. An angry woman is very unpleasant for a man to deal with. She’s got a lot of energy about her anger and often will share it freely. And that is a major turnoff and a very big problem.

As a dating coach, I have access to and frequently talk with single men. They come to me as clients – which creates the best research opportunity for my women clients! One thing I can tell you without hesitation is that the men I speak to have all talked about  the “angry woman” and how unpleasant she is.

One of my clients explained how he had met a woman at a singles group who took his number. Laura called Paul over the weekend and he invited her to a group event. They decided to take mass transit together to get to the event. Big mistake Paul said. Since he hadn’t spent much time with her the first time he met her, he had no idea what she was about beyond seeming to be “nice”.

What happened on the subway ride? Laura proceeded to rant about the guy she just broke up with. She was angry and over-shared because Paul was kind. She told him she felt comfortable and continued to rail against her ex for 30-minutes straight.

Paul deeply regretted taking the train with Laura.

Here’s another story. Angelo is 61 and a widower. He is an even-tempered guy who is actively dating, looking for love. I was talking with him about what turns him off most. His immediate answer was “women who are angry!” Angelo told me when he meets a woman like this, he does his best to keep the date short, so he doesn’t have be dragged down by her poor emotional state. Do you blame him?

Take a moment right now and think about your last first date. Or maybe even some of the emails you have shared with men on sites like Match.com. Have you expressed anger about the men you’ve met, frustration about the dating process, or your bad experience with online dating? If you can think of times when this has happened, it’s time to shift gears and become more aware of how you present yourself to men.

From your profile, first email and first date – you are being sized up – just as you are sizing up the men too. My advice as a dating coach is to PUT YOUR BEST FOOT FORWARD. In other words,

Do not share stories about your ex, your job or dating, if they are negative and you are angry.

Its time to do something about your anger. Naturally, you are completely entitled to your emotions. I’m not here to negate them at all. However, if you want to attract a good man, you‘ll need to dissipate some of that anger first so you aren’t a turn off. Here are a few ways to do this:

  • Exercise
  • Meditate
  • Talk to your friends
  • Take a hot bath
  • Try therapy

There are plenty of ways to release anger. Look into what you can do, but above all, become more aware of how you present yourself to men so that you can keep from showing up as “that angry woman.”

 

Photo Credit: Chris Yarzab

Online Dating Advice: Do You Take Rejection Personally?

Online Dating Advice

Online Dating Advice

Last week, the big topic was online dating rejection. Many of my dating coaching clients feel very angry and frustrated by their experiences online. They are confused and tired of being rejected senselessly. Women want to know why men:

  •  Don’t respond to their emails
  • Ask for your number, but don’t call
  • Suddenly stop emailing
  • Give their phone number in the first email
  • Send “cut and paste” emails, etc.

My clients are also angry that the wrong  men write to them. Why can’t “they” read? Don’t they see that they don’t fit your criteria or match what you wrote in the profile?

Granted, I’m not a man. But I can still provide you  with some insight into why men do some of these frustrating things and why you should not take it personally.

Think for a minute about your own online dating efforts. Do you answer every email? How quickly do you respond? Have you ever simply stopped emailing with a guy? Given out the wrong phone number? Given your phone number and then not answered the phone or returned his call? If you’re a woman dating online, I guarantee you’ve done at least one of these things.

Online Dating Advice about Rejection

The purpose of dating is to sort through prospects to determine who might be a good match. You know this. So, when you don’t respond to someone, you have reasons right?

  • Maybe you aren’t sure about the guy
  • You changed your mind
  • You learned more about him and have crossed him off the list
  • You waffling and aren’t sure you’re ready to meet men online
  • You got distracted by what you thought was a better man

News Flash!

Men do the same thing and truth be told, they have the same right to rethink things don’t they? Of course they do. That is why it’s so important to stop taking this type of rejection personally.

Dating online is not always fast and easy. Sometimes it takes work and consistent effort. When you get angry and aggravated by these slights at the beginning of the meeting process, you drain your energy and make it hard to stay positive. Yet, staying positive will keep you active and make you more attractive.

Online Dating Advice: Positive Self-Talk Makes a Big Difference

Here are some positive self-talk suggestions that I share with my dating coaching clients who are dating over 40 or dating after divorce:

1. If you find yourself feeling badly about a guy who got away, remember to say to yourself, “Next!” There are so many men out there so start thinking with anticipation about the next great guy you will meet.

2. “He doesn’t know what’s good, so it’s his loss.” These words are also true. You are a fabulous woman and there are many men out there who would feel darn lucky to be with you.

3. “Thank you for opting out.”  When a man disappears quickly, you can usually thank your lucky starts that he did. When a man opts out from dating you, he knows that you weren’t a good match and this actually serves you. Even if you can’t see why the match wouldn’t be good, it is the truth of the situation or he would never have disappeared.

These three potent strategies will help you manage your energy, expectations and outlook. That’s my online dating advice for you. Put it to work right away so you can minimize the rejection you feel and stay fresh, positive and open to meet the right man who is looking for you even as you read this post.


Virtual Dating: Don’t Waste Time with Relationships that Aren’t in Real Time

Virtual Dating Over 40 or Dating After Divorce

Have you gotten involved in a relationship that involved  only email, IMing or texting? The guy seems really interested. He communicates frequently via technology. Some of the messages are really sweet. He updates you on what he’s doing and where he’s going. So why haven’t you seen much of him? And sometimes, you haven’t even met the guy.

First, as your dating coach for women dating over 40 and dating after divorce, I want you to know you are not alone. This can be incredibly frustrating and confusing. You may feel hopeful and hurt simultaneously. How can he write such cute emails, send such adorable texts and not want to actually see you?

Virtual Dating

That’s the name for this dating phenomenon. It may seem hopeful and harmless, but I advise my clients to stay away from this type of virtual relationship. Why? Because many women get their hearts involved and develop feelings for these guys. Problem is, this is not a REAL RELATIONSHIP. If you don’t get together with the guy in person in REAL TIME, you  aren’t in a real relationship. It’s that simple.

Occasionally, the long distance thing does work. People arrange to meet  and enter into a serious relationship. I definitely know happy couples who met online or on vacation in another country.

However, virtual dating can happen with men who are local, but very busy.

Why Do Men Do the Virtual Dating Thing?

There are so many reasons why a man might be open to  techno-communication but, not want to meet:

1. It’s a great way to “cheat” on your wife or partner without actually cheating.

2. Some men aren’t emotionally available at all, and this gives them the feeling of connecting with great women like you without any hassle or responsibility.

3. A virtual relationship is FANTASY. Men enjoy fantasy and some find the idea of dating you better than having to dress up, engage in face-to-face conversation, spend any money, leave the house, etc. (Let’s face it, some women enjoy this idea too).

4. Some guys are better writers than conversationalists, so this is easy for them.

5. Busy men might have the intention to connect and then meet you, but somehow never get around to it. Being busy for either gender, is a great way to stay safe and guard your heart. 

6. There are men who want to be adored without getting involved. This is a great ego boost. Imagine how you might feel if you had several men connecting with you regularly and saying sweet things day and night.

Are you starting to catch on…

How to Get Him to Step Up or Shut Up

If you find yourself in techno-only communication with a man, suggest meeting and see what happens. How he responds says it all, even if the particular words don’t. Pay attention to these signals:

  • Hesitation in his voice or response
  • Excuses why its not a good time
  • A gap in further communication
  • A very busy schedule with no room for you
  • Changing the subject
  • A promise with no actual date to meet 
  • He just says “no” without a reason

What Can You Do to Change This?

You can’t do a thing. EXCEPT, you can shut him down and move on to find a man who is not a game player and is relationship ready. This guy is nothing more than a fantasy. Virtual dating never turns into real-time romance. Accept this as soon as possible.

You deserve a real man in a real relationship! Drop this guy like a hot potato and free yourself up for a real man who will wrap his arms around you, kiss you passionately, go on dates and see you on a regular basis.

 Photo Credit: ejbSF