Tag Archives: hold off on intimacy

Dating After Divorce: Don’t Go to His House!

dating after divorce

Dating After Divorce: When a Guy Invites You to His Place

If you are dating after divorce and meeting men online, you can relate to this story about a guy who invites you over.

When a Guy Invites You to His Place

“Dear Love Coach Ronnie,

Recently, I met a guy online who he seemed very outgoing and even before we met he wanted to take me out for my birthday and spend all day with me. Since we hadn’t even met, I didn’t want to do that, so I told him a movie and a dinner would be fine. We saw a horrible movie (LOL),  had dinner and a really great time.

He wanted to show me where he lived. I followed him to his place and we went in, but didn’t stay more than 5 minutes.  He walked me to my car and we hugged. I wanted him to kiss me, but he didn’t. He later told me he wanted to hold my hand during the movie and wanted a kiss.

I Went to His House

I told him that I would love it if he kissed me next time. He invited me to his house the next day and I went over. When I got there we were really shy at first. Then he kissed me and we ended up doing the deed. Take into account he and I have come from relationships that had lasted about 6 years and we both ended with our exes.

Now I see him a lot. From the beginning I told him I wanted to go slow, but I guess we haven’t. We haven’t even been on a second date – all we do is hang out at his place. He always says he doesn’t have money. Yet spends money on ordering out, new laptop, and video games.

I Want More

It’s been two months since we met and I want more with him. He says he does too. I asked if he’d ever go to church with me and he said no and that’s really important to me. He had also told me he was not ready for a relationship and that hurt me.  I also hate that he tells me to have sex with my ex, go with my ex, Skype my ex, etc.

How should I handle this situation? I feel attached to him now, so it would be hard to let him go.
Thanks, Rosa”

 

When a Guy Wants to Hang Out with You

Hi Rosa,

This might not be what you want to hear.  What’s going on happens more often than you think when dating after divorce. When a guy invites you to his place or claims he wants to spend a lot of time with you before even meeting, he’s looking for sex.

You didn’t go for it on the first date, but he was patient and you went for it the second time without even going on a date. Once you went to his home, you entered into an intimate relationship with a man you only dated once.

This is why you didn’t get to know if he was the right man for you. And he didn’t have to woo you to win you over. This is an error many women make, so don’t feel bad about it. But you can learn from it. Now you know when a guy invites you to his place, he only wants one thing.

Want to Go Slow? Avoid Sex

The purpose of dating is to get to know if a man is worthy of your time. You need to “vet” a man to see if he qualifies because your time and love is valuable. You can’t know this in one date. On top of that, once you have sex, it’s impossible to remain objective – most women bond after sleeping with a man as you have.

When a guy invites you to his place, that’s a clear signal he wants sex. Keep your boundaries firm and say no. That way you get to see if he pursues you, which can mean he’s more serious about getting to know you.

Believe Him If He Says He’s Not Ready!

Dating after divorce is not easy because you crave the love and connection you miss. But you still want to pay attention to the clues men provide.  A man will often come right out and say he doesn’t want a relationship just like this guy did. He was honest! Unfortunately, most women ignore this.

Strategy Is Required to Win at Love

Dating to find lasting love requires strategy and negotiation. It’s like playing poker – you don’t show your hand if you want to win. I’m not talking about manipulation, but leveraging the fact that you are a desirable woman.

When a guy invites you to his place, you need to be smart, understand how dating works, and understand men. This is when you need to rely on your head, not your heart and hold off.

Dating After Divorce, Take It Slowly

In order to observe a man’s behavior to see if he’s a match, you need TIME. Get comfortable learning to watch what he’ll do to win you over, rather than jumping in. Otherwise you end up with a man who doesn’t share the same dating agenda as you – that’s what’s happening here.

You want a real relationship and he wants sex – that’s not a good match. He’s happy to hangout, but won’t take you out. Plus, pushing you to reconnect with your ex which is odd. Either he doesn’t want you getting attached. Or he wants to sleep with others, so he can say, “You’ve been with your ex.”

He Won’t Make You Happy

Rose – this isn’t making you happy already after just two months. As your dating coach I’m asking you to rethink the idea of leaving him and get out now before too much time goes by. You will become more and more unhappy as you long for what you truly want in a relationship. Your situation is what women fear most – SETTLING because you are now emotionally invested in the wrong man for you.

He’s Not the Only Man on the Planet!

I know you don’t want to let go, but you do want to be happy right? It’s time to move on and meet new men. Dating after divorce or any time is easier when you use the wisdom to go slowly and hold off on sleeping together.

Don’t show your poker hand and let a man know how much you like him. Do this simply by avoiding calling him,  initiating dates or sleeping with him for the first 5-8 dates. That’s the only way you’ll know what he’ll do to win you over.

Wishing you love,

dating coach, find love, meet men

 

Why Did He Ask Me Out Then Cancel? I’m So Confused!

Why did he ask me out then cancel? If you find this kind of male behavior confusing, read on to get the insights you need.

why did he ask me out then cancelHe Asked Me Out Then Cancels Our Date

“Hi Dating Coach Ronnie,

This guys who works down the street keeps telling me I look great whenever he walks by. Then we talk maybe 2-5 minutes. Once he said he will cook me a meal at his place sometime and I said that would be lovely.

The other day he came over and asked me to have a few drinks later. I said sure.  At the end of my work day, he came by and said he’s heading home to shower and will call me. I went home to get ready and got all dolled up, feeling so excited.

Next thing you know, I get a text asking if I’d eaten dinner. He said he’s tired and felt like we should do a movie and takeaway at his place. This is my ideal, perfect, comfy date but, because I don’t know him well, I said lets just do a few drinks and see.

He asked where and I texted a place, then didn’t hear back so, I called. He sounded hesitant, said he was super tired and didn’t feel like having a big night. I felt really disheartened but, calmly said not a problem, let’s cancel.

Two days later I saw him and he said he was really sorry about how the night went but he was still feeling tired. Really? I’m so confused what do I make of it? Please can you let me know whats going on in his mind. Why did he ask me out then cancel?

Thanks Ronnie
Amilla

If A Guy Cancels Plans Last Minute

Hi Amilla,

Why did he ask me out then cancel is a question on the mind of many single women. I know this is confusing and disappointing. Especially after you got “all dolled up”. The anticipation of a fun night out is sometimes more than half the fun!

The good news is you shared a couple of important clues that helped me gain insight into what he might have possibly been thinking. Once you understand this sort of thing, you’ll be able to easily spot it yourself and won’t get confused. You’ll KNOW what is going on and will be able to walk away more easily with this knowledge.

This isn’t the reason why all men cancel at the last minute, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to reveal why THIS GUY cancelled.

Clue #1 -He Was Flirting with You

Some people just enjoy flirting. He saw you as an attractive woman and told you so. This made you smile and pay attention to him, so every one is happy. The only problem is that sometimes people misunderstand flirting since it actually doesn’t mean anything. It is fun and feels good. That doesn’t automatically mean someone who flirts with you wants to get serious or start dating you.

In the future, when a man flirts with you, go ahead and ENJOY IT! Just know while this exchange is fun and builds you up, it probably will NOT lead to anything more. And be OK with that. In fact, I encourage my clients to flirt and enjoy it because it makes you more attractive to all men. Flirting is good practice and healthy fun.

The trouble comes when you start expecting a man to take that next step. This does happen on occasion, yet more often, a man who flirts with you for weeks or months is simply enjoying the view.  He likes talking to pretty women but, isn’t going to ask you out.

Clue #2 -Dinner at His House

When a man says he’d like to cook you dinner, that’s code or “man language”.  Here’s what he’s really saying, “I’d like to get you into my bed. Will you come to my house?” This guy was testing the waters with you when he suggested this and you thought it sounded like a good idea. I get why – it’s nice when someone else cooks a meal!

I learned this lesson the hard way while I was dating.  When I was 40,  I was fixed up by a friend and met a man who was 52. I thought older men would behave differently than the younger men of my youth. When he invited me to have dinner at his house for our second date, I thought that sounded great too!

He made a lovely meal and we had an enjoyable conversation. As soon as the food was gone, he suggested sitting on the couch. I got a bit nervous so, I pulled the big coffee table book onto my lap and looked at each page really slowly. Eventually, I was done and he put the book back on the coffee table. Then he literally said, “OK come on already!” and started kissing me passionately.

I went with it for about 10 minutes, then decided to cut the date short. Standing up abruptly I said, “Thanks for dinner. I have to go now,” and walked out the door. No way was I going to be his “dessert”.

Cozy Dates at Home Lead to the Bedroom

Now you know when a man you’ve never been out with suggests take out and a movie, at his house or yours, he wants to get you into bed. Nothing really wrong with that if you are the kind of woman who doesn’t bond after sex, have expectations or think it means something.

However, if you are looking for lasting love, avoid movies at home for at least 5-6 dates. By then, you’ll have seen if he is pursuing you consistently (like weekly dates or more) to get to know you and show he is more serious than other men. Stay outside the home until you are ready for intimacy, because once you’re on the couch, saying no is much harder.

The smart strategy is to put off that cozy sixth date to discover if a man is genuinely interested or just wants a roll in the hay.  Even though it sounds like the perfect date, GO OUT instead.

Why Did He Ask Me Out Then Cancel?

Still wondering why he cancelled last minute like that? He was too tired to go out with you because he really just wanted a horizontal date, i.e. to sleep with you. Since you suggested drinks instead, he wasn’t too motivated. And he might not ask again. If sleeping with you was going to be easy, he was up for it. But, he doesn’t want to DATE YOU in order to have sex.

Now You Know

Why did he ask me out then cancel? He wasn’t serious about you in the first place. Don’t expect anything from this guy. He’s still too tired days later. Absurd right? Hope this helps you with understanding men a bit better.

If you want to find a loving relationship, go mingle and you’ll discover plenty of other men out there. Get on the Dating Sites or try Dating Apps like Bumble to meet men. People fall in love every day and I’m quite sure that means you too.

Want more savvy insights into understanding men? Get my book Is He the  One? How to Find Mr. Right by Spotting Mr Wrong or schedule time to talk  about the insights you’ll get about men and dating with me as your dating coach.

 

Sleeping Together: What if You’re Dating More Than One Person?

 

Curious how to handle sleeping together when you are dating more than one guy? I’ve got a few suggestions that will help.

sleeping together, dating coaching, dating coach, first date sex“Hi Ronnie The Dating Coach for Women,

I really enjoyed the teleclass about how Patti found love. Thank you. I wish you had a chance to talk about sleeping together and how you handle it when you’re dating multiple people. When  it’s a few months in – are people having sex with multiple partners when dating more than one person? That doesn’t sound like something I’m up for. So what should I do?

Thanks for your help!”
Good Girl

 

Dear Good Girl,

Glad you could make it to the teleclass Patti Found Love and You Can Too!  This is a great question and would have been good for the Q & A portion of the call.

For the most part, I doubt a lot of single women over 40 are sleeping with multiple partners. I have three methods to help you handle this big question of what is the right time for sleeping together.

1) Holding Out. I think they are holding off before sleeping together. That way you keep the emotional attachment from happening prematurely before you know if a man has real compatibility and long-term potential. And you also avoid sleeping with several guys at the same time which might not be the best thing for you emotionally or physically.

Now I realize that it’s not easy to wait, but it sure makes things easier emotionally. When you take your time before sleeping together, you give yourself a chance to get to know a man without your hormones (oxcytocin) kicking in and clouding your judgement.

When I was dating and seeing multiple men simultaneously, it rarely lasted. Most men disappeared after one, two or three dates. I waited at least for the sixth date to sleep with a guy because that showed me a man was consistently pursuing me.  I interpreted this as him having genuine interest.

In addition, after six dates, we’d spent many hours together, so it was easier to decide if he was a good risk. I did this because I wasn’t crazy about sleeping with a guy and never hearing from him again. Holding off for date six seemed to work for me. By that point, the field had narrowed to one guy I had been dated multiple times.

Some women worry that a man won’t want to wait. My dating advice is that if a man doesn’t want to wait, he’s probably not the right guy.

Understand the point of waiting is not to play a game; it’s about guarding your heart. Most women start to bond after s.e.x which is a natural reaction. Personally I chose to wait so I could feel more comfortable. Yet, making a man wait isn’t the magic bullet to create his loyalty. Not by a long stretch. This is really about you and your emotional care.

2) No S.E.X Before Monogamy. Another way to handle sleeping together is to wait until you discuss and achieve exclusivity. That’s the dating advice Patti Stanger, Bravo TVs Millionaire Matchmaker would give you. She is know for saying, “No s.e.x before monogamy!” And Patti says that what you tell a man when he suggests intimacy. “Oh, I don’t sleep with a man until we’re exclusive.” This is a statement setting a boundary. You are not asking him to be exclusive, simply stating the facts.

3) The Feminine Approach. I have clients who have gently said, “I’m looking for a committed relationship. Other men are still approaching me online and asking me out. What do you think I should do? Should I close down my profile?” This way, you let him come to the conclusion of getting to exclusivity on his own. That is the FEMININE approach. If that doesn’t work – he might not be the right guy and just not ready for a monogamous relationship.

So, the choice is up to you. A lot depends on your emotional makeup and strength. Any of these approaches can work to help you not jump in the sack before you are ready mentally.

Now if you are dating several different men casually, and there are big gaps in time between dates, that is another story. Casual dating means you don’t plan to get attached to anyone. But if you are serious about finding lasting love, as your dating coach, I’d advise against casual dating.

More often than not, women fall in love anyway and then have to deal with the fact that they are dating a casual man who is likely not interested in monogamous love. If this is the case, avoid casual dating or dating any man who doesn’t have time to see you more than once or twice a month. That’s a sure sign he’s not serious about finding love, never mind about you.

Hope that helps clear things up for you about sleeping together!

Wishing you love

dating coach, find love, meet men