Just had a first date and would love to hear your thoughts. I was smitten with a guy I met at a work related event. I sought him out and we connected and decided to go out for a drink. It was great. We seemed to have a wonderful time. Conversation flowed, there seemed to be physical attraction, and insinuations of a future meeting. He asked me to collaborate with him on a work project and so that seemed like a good way for us to stay connected. It ended with a hug and kiss on the cheek by him.
I was really into this guy and felt like we had a very nice connection. I texted him afterwards to let him know I had a great time. He said that he did also. The following day I sent a very short greeting. I was so excited to have had this great interaction, but realized I may have been coming off a little too enthusiastic. I backed off.
We texted a little regarding our potential work collaboration. The last text I received from him was 4 days ago, in which he indicated that he was sorry he hadn’t replied much, but that he was working on a deadline and he’d be in touch soon. I said no problem and good luck.
Now it’s been one week since that wonderful first meeting and with no date in sight. I am starting to think he is not interested or that I ruined it by being too eager. I have relaxed and have not reached out to him. But I am wondering am I ever going to hear from him again?
I was really taken by what seemed to be a strong connection. Now I am disappointed as the momentum is dwindling more each day. I can tell you that he is very busy professionally (he is president of his company), and so I have wondered if maybe I am being too impatient. We live an hour apart so it is not so easy to coordinate our schedules. I am in my early 40s and he is about 10 years older.
It’s so tough emotionally when a first date starts out with a bang and then sadly nothing more happens. I understand what that feels like, especially when it seemed everything was lining up so well. But, let me explain how you can save yourself some angst, confusion and disappointment in the future.
1. Resist the urge to pursue.
You saw a guy who appealed to you and sought him out. Nothing wrong with being friendly or flirting with an attractive man. But whose idea was it to go for a drink as your first date? Yours or his? If it was yours, my dating advice to you would be not to make this kind of move again. You want a man to pursue you, using his masculine hunter instincts. This always works better because this is how man gets invested in winning you over.
When you take the lead on pursuit, you cannot collect any information about what he would do on his own. You don’t know if he was curious, flattered or thought it would be good for his career. But you did find out when he dropped the ball and didn’t follow up with more invitations. The advantage of not asking a man out is you find out what he does to pursue you on his own with no prompting, which gives you some insight into his true interest level.
2. Don’t confuse work interest and friendliness with romance.
Maybe there was some advantage he was seeking career-wise and that’s why he brought up the work project. Or sometimes when a man is friendly, women mistake that interaction for having more meaning and so feels disappointed when nothing further comes of it. Men can be friendly and enjoy a good conversation, even hint at a future, because they know this flatters a woman, without wanting more.
3. Manage your enthusiasm.
You might not have ruined anything because there might not have been a budding romance here, just a first date or meeting maybe. However, you are wise to recognize your eagerness can be a turn off. Think about romance on TV – there is often romantic or sexual tension that builds up with time. When you express eagerness or pick up pursuit, you eliminate any tension which naturally draws a man to you. You effectively snuff out any possible flame. The best thing you can do is remain positively neutral, “He could be a great man to date, but we’ll see what happens.” This way you are open, but not prematurely emotionally attached.
4. Avoid premature attachment. Speaking of premature attachment, this is a huge problem many single women over 40 face. After one great date your mind starts racing with the possibilities of what a relationship with this guy will be like. Then you get too far down the road in your mind and feel terribly disappointed. Hey, it was just a first date. Don’t allow yourself to get so attached after a good conversation and some male flattery or you will face disappointment every time you meet a new man you like.
5. Texting means nothing.
Nothing could be easier than dashing off a few words in a text to keep you interested. Men often do this because they pump up their egos with all the women who text them back. But it means absolutely nothing. Talk is cheap and so is texting. Action, in terms of asking you out and going on dates, is the only thing that counts. Since he’s not asking you out, you can see the truth of this.
6. Don’t believe that “Busy” excuse.
Trust me, when a man is hot for you, he’s not too busy! He will move heaven and earth to spend time with you. Yes, sometimes people get busy, but when a man tells you he didn’t respond because he was busy at work, this is code for, “He’s just not that into you”. Thanks to Gregg Berhandt for the book by that name.
I hope this helps unravel some of what happened with your first date and opens your eyes to new ways of moving forward as you search for the love you deserve.
Wishing you love,