Tag Archives: first date

6 Essential First Date Lessons to Improve Your Love Life

first date, meet men, don't pursue menA first date can be exciting and fun, but when there’s no follow up on the man’s end, it can also lead to disappointment. If this happens to you, check out these 6 first date lessons to live by.

Dear Ronnie,

Just had a first date and would love to hear your thoughts. I was smitten with a guy I met at a work related event. I sought him out and we connected and decided to go out for a drink. It was great. We seemed to have a wonderful time. Conversation flowed, there seemed to be physical attraction, and insinuations of a future meeting. He asked me to collaborate with him on a work project and so that seemed like a good way for us to stay connected. It ended with a hug and kiss on the cheek by him.

I was really into this guy and felt like we had a very nice connection. I texted him afterwards to let him know I had a great time. He said that he did also. The following day I sent a very short greeting. I was so excited to have had this great interaction, but realized I may have been coming off a little too enthusiastic. I backed off.

We texted a little regarding our potential work collaboration. The last text I received from him was 4 days ago, in which he indicated that he was sorry he hadn’t replied much, but that he was working on a deadline and he’d be in touch soon. I said no problem and good luck.

Now it’s been one week since that wonderful first meeting and with no date in sight. I am starting to think he is not interested or that I ruined it by being too eager. I have relaxed and have not reached out to him. But I am wondering am I ever going to hear from him again?

I was really taken by what seemed to be a strong connection. Now I am disappointed as the momentum is dwindling more each day. I can tell you that he is very busy professionally (he is president of his company), and so I have wondered if maybe I am being too impatient. We live an hour apart so it is not so easy to coordinate our schedules. I am in my early 40s and he is about 10 years older.
Any thoughts?

Many thanks,
Carol

Dear Carol,

It’s so tough emotionally when a first date starts out with a bang and then sadly nothing more happens. I understand what that feels like, especially when it seemed everything was lining up so well. But, let me explain how you can save yourself some angst, confusion and disappointment in the future.

1. Resist the urge to pursue.
You saw a guy who appealed to you and sought him out. Nothing wrong with being friendly or flirting with an attractive man. But whose idea was it to go for a drink as your first date? Yours or his? If it was yours, my dating advice to you would be not to make this kind of move again. You want a man to pursue you, using his masculine hunter instincts. This always works better because this is how man gets invested in winning you over.

When you take the lead on pursuit, you cannot collect any information about what he would do on his own. You don’t know if he was curious, flattered or thought it would be good for his career. But you did find out when he dropped the ball and didn’t follow up with more invitations. The advantage of not asking a man out is you find out what he does to pursue you on his own with no prompting, which gives you some insight into his true interest level.

2. Don’t confuse work interest and friendliness with romance.
Maybe there was some advantage he was seeking career-wise and that’s why he brought up the work project. Or sometimes when a man is friendly, women mistake that interaction for having more meaning and so feels disappointed when nothing further comes of it. Men can be friendly and enjoy a good conversation, even hint at a future, because they know this flatters a woman,  without wanting more.

3. Manage your enthusiasm.
You might not have ruined anything because there might not have been a budding romance here, just a first date or meeting maybe. However, you are wise to recognize your eagerness can be a turn off. Think about romance on TV – there is often romantic or sexual tension that builds up with time. When you express eagerness or pick up pursuit, you eliminate any tension which naturally draws a man to you. You effectively snuff out any possible flame. The best thing you can do is remain positively neutral, “He could be a great man to date, but we’ll see what happens.” This way you are open, but not prematurely emotionally attached.

4. Avoid premature attachment. Speaking of premature attachment, this is a huge problem many single women over 40 face. After one great date your mind starts racing with the possibilities of what a relationship with this guy will be like. Then you get too far down the road in your mind and feel terribly disappointed. Hey, it was just a first date. Don’t allow yourself to get so attached after a good conversation and some male flattery or you will face disappointment every time you meet a new man you like.

5. Texting means nothing.
Nothing could be easier than dashing off a few words in a text to keep you interested. Men often do this because they pump up their egos with all the women who text them back. But it means absolutely nothing. Talk is cheap and so is texting. Action, in terms of asking you out and going on dates, is the only thing that counts. Since he’s not asking you out, you can see the truth of this.

6. Don’t believe that “Busy” excuse.
Trust me, when a man is hot for you, he’s not too busy! He will move heaven and earth to spend time with you. Yes, sometimes people get busy, but when a man tells you he didn’t respond because he was busy at work, this is code for, “He’s just not that into you”. Thanks to Gregg Berhandt for the book by that name.

I hope this helps unravel some of what happened with your first date and opens your eyes to new ways of moving forward as you search for the love you deserve.

Wishing you love,

dating coach, find love, meet men

 

 

 

Find Love: To Attract Love, Embody Love and Love Yourself More

Online Dating, Find Love

Online Dating:  Stay Positive While Dating

More about online dating – this post is a continuation from yesterday. If you struggle with how to stay positive while dating, read on.

 

“Hi Ronnie – The Dating Coach for Women

Thank you for the helpful ways to handle online dating disappointment and smart conversation tips you posted yesterday. I feel lucky because I haven’t spoken of those taboo topics most of the time unless someone else brought them up first.

However, I have come to recognize that having more than one glass of wine with a first date is not such a good idea.

Right now I’m having trouble feeling lovable due to all of this fickleness from online dating. But, I do know that I need to keep moving if I want to find love.  I’d like to have a good relationship and to tell you the truth, there aren’t many cheerleaders like you out there.

Is it really possible for woman of 52 to find love – the love of her life? I hope so. It didn’t happen with my first marriage  which was a long one. Can you help me to find more hope so I can keep going?

Thanks for your support

Kim from Michigan”

 

To Attract and Find Love, Validate Your Own Lovability

Hi Kim,

Yes! You can find love! Finding love is completely possible, even over 50, 60, or 70+. One of my clients just wrote this note to me over the summer sharing her excitement and success:

 

“Dear Ronnie:

My fiancé and I are marrying in three weeks. I met him online about 1 year and four months ago. Although I dated others and him for the first month or so, he soon asked me to be exclusive and the rest is history. Thanks for all of the work you do with all of us who want to find lasting love! I am 55, with two special needs son, so I am proof that your tips work!

With love, Brenda from CA”

 

My advice to you is to be the love you want to attract. Know that you are lovable as you are. Do not look outside yourself for this validation even though you may feel tempted. You do not need this proof from the men you are meeting. They do not validate your lovability – you do.

To find love, embody the love you want to attract. Love yourself more every day. Spend time believing and knowing down to the core of your heart and soul that love is your destiny.

I’m wondering if you have my audio program  I Believe which is part of The Man Attraction Secret.  It has three tracks of affirmations in different lengths all about believing in love, in yourself, and in men. Just a suggestion.

Without question, love is your destiny. You can find love. You are lovable! But, when in doubt – love yourself a little bit more. Find things you love about life. People you love, flowers, clothes, sunshine, snowflakes, the Christmas season even. Whatever allows you to focus on and feel more love in your life. This is how you embody love and attract love into your life.

From the Law of Attraction,” like attracts like”. So when you love yourself and your life, you bring your energy or vibration up to the level of what you desire – LOVE! That’s how it works, the more love you feel, the more love you attract magnetically. There is no other outcome.

You WILL find love. You will attract HIM. I have complete faith in you and in love 🙂

Lots of love to you,
Ronnie

 

Photo Credit: Aunt Owwee

Online Dating: What’s the Best Advice to Keep a Man’s Interest?

Online Dating, Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan

Online Dating – Is it a Pipe Dream?

Here’s a question about online dating sent from one of my clients who is out there meeting men and seeking Mr. Right. Her struggles are echoed by countless women using online dating as one way to meet more men.

“Hi Ronnie – The Dating Coach for Women

Boy, online dating is a fickle thing! A man emails you and acts all interested, then a couple of days later; “Oh, I met someone… “. Or, you go out for an evening, talk for three hours in an engaging way, then no more contact. I never hear from the guy again! Jeesh!!

Is it all about timing? What’s your best advice on this? Just keep going? It all seems like a pipe dream… How in the world can a woman keep a good guy’s interest?

Thanks so much,
Kim in Michigan”

Online Dating Tips to Get a Second Date

Hi Kim,

Yes, online dating can be very up and down and it seems like people are extremely fickle. Just know that for whatever reason, these men who don’t follow up or change their minds have opted out of your dating pool. 99.95 of the time, they are doing you a favor, even if you can’t see it.

I found the attitude that kept me going while I was dating (I date 30 men to find my husband) was to simply dust myself off and say in my mind – “Next!”Remembering that there were plenty more men to meet, a veritable endless supply, kept me active and hopeful.

The only other suggestion I have is to make sure you aren’t doing anything to drive them away on the first date without realizing it. You probably aren’t doing these things, but just in case, here’s a quick list of conversation topics that are not appropriate for a first date:

Don’t talk about (more than briefly):

  • Your job
  • Your children
  • Your ex
  • Your divorce
  • How hard dating is
  • How hard it is to find a decent man
  • How super busy you are
  • Your health
  • Your financial troubles
  • Family problems
  • Politics

None of these topics will show you off in the best light. and on the first date, that is your entire focus, right? You want the man to see the best you have to offer – not a woman worn down by dating, kids, divorce, or a demanding boss. Even if all that is true, its not attractive. And these things do not define you as a whole person. That is…unless you let them.

You want to demonstrate the delightful part of yourself. The part a man will be so happy to come home to. The same way you would want to come home to a man who wants to know how your day was and offer you support and encouragement. To make you laugh and bring joy into your life. That is what you want right? WELL MEN WANT THAT TOO!

Now you may say, “I only talk about these things when the man brings them up.” But my response to that is to avoid the topics anyway. Don’t contribute to that line of discussion. Let him finish up, then switch to a more positive subject.

Wondering what’s left to talk about on a first meeting from online dating? Try any of these conversation starters which bring out someone’s passion for life:

  • Vacations
  • Favorite foods
  • Movies
  • Sports
  • Local news
  • TV programs
  • Books
  • Music and concerts
  • Hobbies
  • Technology
  • Exercise
  • Clubs you belong to
  • What would you do on a rainy Sunday afternoon
  • Your favorite things about the season your in

All of these topics have something very important in common – they show you in a positive light and highlight your passion and excitement. This makes you that much more attractive to the opposite sex.

The best online dating advice I can give you is to simply keep going. Smile and put one foot in front of the other. Meet at least one new man a week. And remember my motto:

“Every man you meet brings you one closer to the right man for you.”

 With loads of love,

 Ronnie

 

Turnoffs for Guys in 3 Easy Steps – Part 3 – Convenient

Don’t Make Assumptions with Online Dating for Convenience

This is Part 3 of a 3-part series on dating blunders that often push or scare men away. Here’s the last Turnoff for guys post in this series about Online Dating Mistakes.

Turnoff #3

You’ve gotten past email and the telephone hurdles. Now you are ready to meet him! You agreed to meet at a nice restaurant with a great bar for a drink after work. It’s a Thursday night at 7pm. You had to work late. The kids are all set and you’ve decided to make a night of it. What the heck, you’re already out right?

Wow, you are hungry. Might as well grab some dinner too right? Kill two birds with one stone. Convenient, efficient and fills your evening nicely. You hope he’s nice enough so you can get through the evening and you assume that he’ll be up for it without giving it a second thought.

There it is – the problem – you didn’t give your scenario a second thought. Its good with you. Its convenient. So what’s’ the problem?

1. You don’t know this guy at all
You might not like him and he might not like you. But you are creating an entire evening including dinner and a quick drink to see if there is enough chemistry for a real first real date. Because this meeting is not really a date – its called “date zero” because its really just a get to know you date. If you pass the chemistry test for each other, then maybe he’ll ask you out on a first date.

Strategy: Don’t assume your decisions will be OK with the guy you are meeting. You do not know him at all and cannot make any assumptions about what he thinks or what will be OK with him. Talk about turnoffs for guys! You’ll have to see how things go, so stop making plans beyond the one you have.

2. You might be hungry but that is your problem, not his
If you are hungry, get something to eat before you arrive. Or plan to get something on your own or with a friend after. But do not assume you can turn a coffee or drink date into dinner. This creates unnecessary pressure and can be counted as one of the turnoffs for guys for a number of reasons:

– He might not have enough money for dinner or appetizers
– He hasn’t decided if he likes you enough to buy you a meal and he wants it to be his decision
– He’s the kind of guy who expects to pay, but now this is awkward -you’ve put him in a tough spot
– If you offer to pay for yourself – that can turn him off too
– You are making your date about taking care of your bodily needs, not getting to know him
– You’re letting him know “its all about you” even if its not really true

Strategy: Everything you do sends a message about you. Don’t assume he’ll be hungry or that its not a big deal. It is a big deal because your assumption puts him on the spot and makes him uncomfortable. Since men choose women who make them feel good, you just flunked your first test and probably wont’ get another try.

3. You want to make a night of it
The best first meeting is a short one. Do not try to make a night of it just because you have a babysitter. This is a mistake that women make often and while it can work out, its much better to keep it short. After all, you might not even like each other.Or worse he might be boring, have bad manners, be a player etc. Refer back to #1 – you don’t know him so don’t plan to make a night of it because it fits into YOUR calendar and needs.

Strategy: Have some conversation, get to know him a bit, then excuse yourself and leave. The perfect date is 60-90-minutes long. Leave him wanting more! You want him to be thinking about you, wondering what makes you tick. And that won’t happen if you have a long first date leaving little to the imagination. Don’t do it even if he wants more.

Recommendation
: If you are hungry, please eat before you go. Even if you have to grab a protein bar or eat fast food, do it. Do not put your new guy in the position of having to pick up the check for your meal or split it because its more convenient for you. And don’t make him wish the night would end because you want to drag things out

Think about your actions from a man’s perspective to know if something really won’t be a big deal. Put yourself in his shoes for a minute. A gentleman will want to pick up the check. Even for a man of means, if every woman turned every first date into dinner, that would rack up a hefty Visa bill wouldn’t it?

Your first date is not about what’s convenient for you – its about getting to know a man to see if you want to see him again and visa versa.

As your dating coach, I hope you can now see how seemingly little decisions on your part can cause you to push a man away. If these scenarios apply to you, please heed the advice so you can start getting better results with online dating.

 

Photo Credit: Great Beyond

The Top Five Reasons to Keep Your First Date Short!

Short First Dates

As a dating coach for women over 40, I believe in having fun! But, I also believe in using your head and applying sound strategies to your dating activities. That’s what will help you get the best results – finding the right man for you for a lasting loving relationship. so please understand I am not a spoil sport or trying to dampen your fun. I have only the best intentions for you with my advice.

Here are five key reasons why you want your first date to be short and sweet:

1. A short first date like coffee or a glass of wine makes it easy for you to escape should he not measure up. That’s why, if yo meet a guy online and he asks you to dinner for a first date, redirect him to something quicker. What’s worse than eating a meal with a man who is boring, insulting, uninteresting or inappropriate? Don’t do it! Keep it short.

2. A long first date can create a false sense of intimacy and sometimes leads to first-date sex. Well its not the end of the world, but it does cloud your ability to remain objective as you collect more information and learn about the man you are dating.

In addition, you never know if the guy will get an attitude about you sleeping with him so quickly – some men do still think this way. Others won’t care at all – but how you can tell after just one date which kind of guy he’ll be? That’s why its best to hold out for a while before you sleep with a guy. Never mind your emotional reaction if he never calls again or the health risks.

3. On a long first date you may “over share”. You could start telling stories about yourself best left until he gets to know and like you better. Once a man has formed an opinion of you, it’s safer to share the more private details of your life. The stories where you don’t always look your best such breakups, work stories or other things that have happened that could cast a shadow if told too soon.

Remember, people need to earn your trust before you let it “all hang out.”

4. Shorter dates cost less. This is a service to men who feel they should be the one paying for the date (hip hip hooray for these guys!) So when you have one cup of coffee or one glass of wine, the bill doesn’t add up to very much. And you don’t need to have any feelings of obligation because he spent a lot of money (which you shouldn’t have anyway, but sometimes do).

It also takes the pressure off that awkward point where he may feel pressured to ask if you are hungry. Avoid the whole thing and let him know it was fun, but you have to get going.

5. A short first date let’s you leave him wanting MORE. You want to have a little bit of mystery about you if you share everything up front – what will you talk about next time? But if you haven’t covered everything, he’ll get curious about what makes you tick and want to see you again.

This worked like a charm on my husband during our first date. It prompted him to ask when he could see me again!

Keep that first date short and hopefully it will lead to more dates. But at the very least you’ll waste less time on men who don’t ask you out again or that you’d never want to see again.

First Date Flops – Keep Your Eating Habits to Yourself

First Date No No's

Are you a picky eater? Maybe you have some dietary restrictions for health reasons. You might be allergic to dairy, wheat or nuts. Or you carefully watch your weight, so are very selective about food. None of this is really a problem… until you make it one.

Last week several dating coaching clients who are dating after divorce or dating over 40 talked about their first dates and what happened. Here are a few examples of what clients brought to the table.

1) A woman of 40 just lost about 35 lbs. Quite an accomplishment! Jane feels great about her success and as a result, she talks about it – A LOT. Now I realize this is foremost in her mind because its a recent change and a very exciting one. But, is this really something she wants to discuss on a first date with a new man? NOT REALLY.

2) Peggy has a lot of allergies. She is limited in what she can eat and needs to be very careful in restaurants. Yet, she does like to go out to eat and enjoys food. On her first date last week, she spelled out everything she has to avoid. As her dating coach, I’m thinking the guy she went out with will probably AVOID HER.

3) Betsy had an eating disorder she recovered from. Today she can eat most anything without much concern, but still worries about relapsing. She asked me when she should tell a man that she has an eating disorder and if she should simply tell him on the first date to be honest and get it out of the way. NO WAY!

Let’s take  a step back to look at this from a more strategic angle.

On a first date, your job is to make a good impression. You want to be a woman who is easy to please, easy to get to know and get along with. The object of a first date is to see if there is enough interest and common ground to have a second date. Everything you say and do matters. I say this not to make you  paranoid, but to create a higher level of awareness about your dating methodology.

Let’s look at his another way. If you were on a job interview, would you complain about your previous or current boss? How you hated the company? Or your special healths concerns? No, you wouldn’t talk about these things because you don’t want to air your dirty laundry. You want to show your best side. You’d be conscious of your smile, smart answers to their questions and making a good first impression.

What makes you think dating is any different? Its exactly the same! (except there’s no money involved).

Put the shoe on the other foot. If a man told you about all his ailments or how he only eats pizza, burgers and Chinese food, would you be more attracted to him or less? Yeah, now you can see how this might not be in the plus column.

While you think you are being straight forward and honest, what you are really doing is providing way too much personal information and turning men off.

If you are out to dinner, order what works for you off the menu. If you absolutely need to ask for something special, keep it really simple. Don’t elaborate about what you are doing. The more normal you act, the more normal everything will seem. Make a good first impression – you can fill him in on your personal data later once he already knows you’re a great catch.


photo credit: Sifu Renka