Tag Archives: don’t pursue men

Dating Questions: Why Didn’t He Call for a Second Date?

dating questions, why didn't he call, dating coach, find loveCurious why he didn’t call for a second date?

This is dating question plagues women of all ages. Read on to discover the best way to handle this and what you can do about it.

 

Hi Ronnie, The Dating Coach for Women,

I recently exchanged emails with this guy I met through an online dating site. Then we talked on the phone and last Wednesday and met for coffee. Things went great and we talked for 2 hours. He walked me to my car, hugged me twice and said he had a good time. He mentioned wanting to see me again and to text him when I got home.

I did text him that I got home and told him I had a great time and look forward to seeing him again. He texted me back, “Glad you are home and I had a great time too!”

Friday night I  called and texted him. I kept it simple, saying, “Hi how are you? I had a great time the other night. Any chance we could get together again sometime this weekend? Give me a call & let me know.”

I bummed because I still haven’t heard from him and now it’s Sunday afternoon.  What should I do? Why didn’t he call for a second date?

Thanks for your help!
Norma in New Hampshire

Dear Norma,

This is a frequent problem for women. You have a first date, things go well, then you never heard from the guy again. Every single woman has experienced this situation, sometimes many times. Trust me, as a dating coach for women, I know how confusing and frustrating this can be. I went through it myself!

I don’t recommend this
However, I don’t recommend women follow up with guys, check in or ask them out. What works best is to wait to see what a guy will do on his own to pursue you, without your prompting. That’s the best way to gauge a man’s interest. The sooner he calls, the more likely he’s genuinely interested. That’s just one clue to add to others you gather while letting the man pursue you.

If you ask, and he says yes…
When you ask a man out, he may be flattered or think he’s going to get lucky. But his “Yes” response doesn’t always mean he’s interested in you or that he’ll ask you out again. The savvy dater knows to let a man call her instead. Let him lead the pursuit for the first 4-6 dates.

In this case, since you already did reach out and he didn’t respond, you now know that he’s not really interested. Why didn’t he call for a second date is a perplexing issue. Keep in mind, it doesn’t mean he didn’t have a good time with you on the first date. Unfortunately, it isn’t always enough to get that second date.

Why didn’t he ask for a second date?
There are literally thousands of reasons why he didn’t call for a second date. He might have met another woman. Maybe he’s just going on first dates to see how many women are interested. He might not know what he wants, isn’t ready to date yet, etc.

The reasons for not getting a second date are endless and could even include that he went away for the weekend. I’m sorry to say you will never know what happened or why. Asking a man directly wont’ result in getting a straight answer either. This is part of dating and there’s simply no way around it.

You can ask one time
I always tell my clients, “You can ask a man out one time if you feel like you have to. But if he does go out with you, don’t ask him again.” You want him to get invested in winning you over. No one, not men or women, want what is too easy. It’s a fact of life.

Mystery builds attraction
You know how women complain about a man who is too nice? We like a little tension too. A bit of mystery which adds to the excitement. That’s why so many women are intrigued by bad boys. Well, the vast majority of men want that mystery too which is why they don’t like women to pursue them. Too easy equals no fun.

I realize this may be hard to understand. After all it, you might be thinking,”What’s the big deal? What do you mean I shouldn’t ask him out? Why aren’t things equal in dating?” Let me explain the disconnect here. Dating is an ancient, archaic mating ritual rooted in biology. Men still have hunter instincts and want to pursue. So you can’t take the DNA out of dating.

Let men pursue you
Regardless of the equality achieved in the workplace, for the first few dates, let the men pursue you and ask you out. It just works best this way.

Not to worry. There are plenty more men out there. Keep connecting online and you’ll be in a relationship sooner than you think.

Wishing you love,

dating coach, find love, meet men

 

With Men and Women and Dating, Who Should Initiate?

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Let the Man Lead

“Dear Ronnie – The Dating Coach for Women,

I hope you can give me some advice. I met a guy online – he contacted me, who I really like (in all ways!) We have a great connection, its very relaxed, there is obviously a physical attraction, he is very respectful yet fun and kind, etc.

Our first date went really well and we ended up chatting until early hours of morning. We then organized catch up the following Friday (my suggestion to pencil in that day) During the week in between he suggested dropping in twice, but I was ‘busy’ both times.

He then came down to spend two hours on the beach with my daughter and I at  his suggestion. We caught up Friday night, and it was probably the best date of my life – fun, sexy, relaxed, free, easy etc. He sent me a message the next morning saying “Thanks for a great night!”

I didn’t hear anything for the rest of day Saturday or on Sunday, (although I know he is active on the dating site). So I sent a message to him end of Sunday to ask how was his weekend and got a nice reply – friend-like and easy going. That was it. Mine message was a little flirty and left room for him to take that opportunity to ask me out again, but he didn’t. Just a nice reply, and a ‘sleep well’

So, I actually have next weekend free without my daughter and would really like to see him. I was going to leave it until tomorrow night if haven’t heard from him and then contact him (and maybe see if he would like to catch up Saturday). Or should I wait entirely until he contacts me? He doesn’t seem at all to be one to play games, and actually mentioned the other night (cheekily) ‘where was my initiative’?

I’d love your advice please,
Diane in Durham”

Dear Diane,

The question of who should initiate is complex and people have all sorts of opinions. This is my take on the best way to handle at least the first 4-5 dates. After that, things can loosen up a bit because you are starting to become an “item” and dating is on the brink of moving into the first phase of relationship.

So here are the different opinions – I’ll list them each separately

1. Let Men Initiate

What I have seen to work best time after time is to let men initiate in terms of asking you out. I often refer to ballroom dancing to illustrate my thinking. In ballroom dancing, you can only have one leader and one follower if you want to dance well. Otherwise two leaders produce a power struggle and two followers means you are going nowhere.

That’s why I recommend holding off on initiating anything, from calling or texting or asking men out. Don’t do it.

2. Ask Him Out Only Once

Some women feel they will lose their minds if they don’t ask a man out. So I tell them, well I don’t want you to lose your mind. Do it ONCE. Then see if he picks up the ball.

Sometimes a man will just be curious, but then once you do spend a little time together, the rare guy who needs this kind of nudge will think, “Hmmm, I like her and want to see her again.” So he asks you out. But the last thing you want to do is pursue a man. Never ask a man out more than once. If you do, don’t expect him to ever take the lead – he’ll think why should he when its clear you are willing to do all the work. And if that idea doesn’t bother you, well more power to you.

Most women start to get irritated with a  man who never takes the lead. To prevent this irritation ladies, don’t take the lead in the first place. Simple as that. If you do, you will likely find a man who is a bit more passive and willing to let you be in the driver seat on everything. While that might have advantages, most women get annoyed sooner or later.

3. I Like a Woman Who Initiates

Some men seem to think the woman needs to prove herself by showing she’s not afraid to take the lead. In some cases, these men tend to be egalitarians, wanting things to be balanced and equal.  They are willing to take turns but not shoulder the responsibility. This is probably more related to younger guys for the most part who today are under 40 or 35 even.

This is a small percentage of men. And some of them have a chip on their should about women from being burned, rejected or taken to the cleaners from divorce. Personally, I’m a little leery of this type of guy.

4. If She Likes Me, She’ll Initiate

Yes this is a new breed of man who is what I have termed “Low ‘T'”. If you have seen the prescription TV commercials for Low “T”, its all about low testosterone. Now I’m not a doctor obviously and have no way of knowing if the men who truly prefer a woman to initiate are actually Low “T”.  But when you think about it, any man who thinks its the woman’s job to give him her phone number and initiate dating is a man who isn’t “getting much” if you know what I mean.

Hence my feelings about this type of guy’s low testosterone levels. Younger men (well not only younger men) are driven by the desire to have s.e.x. That’s no secret. So if a man isn’t doing what he can to find a woman he loves (to have s.e.x with) or a woman for a one night stand, that’s a sure sign of a low s.e.x drive case closed. Or they fear taking a stand or sticking their neck out.

I found this comment on the Plenty of Fish forum about who should initiate – a man or the woman, written by a guy who shares his point of view and experience with it.


“If I am attracted to the woman, I believe it is my responsibility to initiate and plan out the date. I think one of the worst things you can ask a girl after you ask her out and she accepts is “okay, what do you want to do?” This gives the appearance as wishy/washy and not being able to assert control. Wimpy/whiner guys do this because they are afraid to make any kind of judgement call. If I ask, I will assume control and organize the date….after all, I am trying impress here and show a little bit about my personality.

I believe most women would want a guy to act like a man. Have the ability to take control over a situation when it presents itself. Not need her to be a part of every decision making process. And above all, be strong. Maybe I’m wrong. But believing in this philosophy has not let me down yet during the early “getting to know you” stages.”

 

Now after the first 4-6 dates, things start to balance out as you enter the first phase of relationship. I think you still want to take the initiate slowly, maybe a 1:3 ratio with the man still take on the lion’s share. This way you don’t overwhelm him or invade his territory. Just keep in mind that in many long-term relationships, eventually the wife plans the vast majority of socializing. So as I said, things tend to balance out. But there’s no need to rush it.

Most dating experts agree, things tend to work best when you let the man lead during the initial get to know you phase of dating. You really can’t go wrong by hanging back. And if you do meet one of those guys who thinks you should initiate, oh well. You weren’t going to win them all any way and that’s still a small percentage of men.

 

 

 

 

 

Understanding Men: 3 Telltale Signs That He’s Just Not Ready

understanding men, understand men, online dating, online dating advice

How Can You Tell When A Man Is Not Ready for Love?

Need help understanding men?

Many women want to know how to tell if a man is ready for love. That’s not always easy, but I can sure tell you how to know when he’s not ready! Read on to find out the 3 telltale signs.

Hi Ronnie The Dating Coach,

I need your dating advice for understanding men! Ahhhh I definitely messed this one up I think.

I met a guy on match.com.  The first month of dating he was doing all the initiating and calling and then his kids came into town the second month…I backed off and was patient and gave him his space and we still texted while they were here. After his kids went home (after a month) he asked if he could see me the following weekend.

The morning of he called to cancel saying that he had work things going on and I said that I hoped everything got worked out. Then later that night he texted that his work stuff got worked out and he would still like to see me. The next afternoon we met up and spent the day and night together. I noticed that his body language was a little off/distant with me that night.

I told him I had a great time and I really enjoyed hanging out with him. His response two days later was “works been kinda crazy and doesn’t look to be slowing down any time soon.” I then told him that I was wondering what he was looking for. His response was, “I don’t know where I am going/want to be in two years, so I am good with just chilling and hanging out.”

It took him a week to get back to me and I couldn’t help myself. I sent him a cute,funny text and he replied. Then nothing for another week at which point I texted, I wasn’t really sure what had happened, but I had a great time. Sometimes timing sucks and I came on too strong. If he was ever around he should give me a hollar.

He wrote back and said that I didn’t do anything wrong and that he has just been really busy with work/training/and his kid. He said he hasn’t gone out but that he would contact me once he had time on his hands. It’s been two weeks and I haven’t heard from him and he is now back on the dating site. I really liked him and I’m afraid that showed my cards too soon. I don’t know what to do or if I can work this out. Please help me with understanding men.

Thanks so much,
Frantic in Framingham

Dear Frantic,

In this case, I don’t think you can blame yourself. Yes, you sent him a couple of texts and told him your feelings – not the best. And I don’t recommend you do this again, but I don’t think that really caused him to pull away.

Telltale Sign #1 – I Don’t Know What I Want
In this case, it seems he is just not ready. He actually told you as much as he said, “I don’t know where I am going/want to be in two years so I am good with just chilling and hanging out.” Those are the words of a man who is not ready. He wanted some female company, but doesn’t want a relationship.

Telltale Sign #2  – Chilling and Hanging Out
When a man doesn’t know what he wants or where he’ll be in two years, he is saying his life is unsettled. Men don’t usually look for love in these circumstances. That’s what “hanging out” is all about – being casual with no real plan. So while you were a bit forward, I doubt that was the reason he disappeared. It was all about him.

Telltale Sign #3 Work Is Really Busy
Here’s another clue – he used work and kids as his excuses to put you off. Yes, he might not have been able to date with his children visiting and work might have been busy. But, these are two of the most common excuses going. When a man blames work for not being able to see you, that’s a red flag. Some men might be super busy, but most often, where there’s a will, there’s a way. The “work is busy” excuse really means – “Don’t expect much from me.”

What Can You Do To Guard Your Heart with Men Like This?

1. Don’t Initiate or Contact Men
As a dating coach for women, I will say that the next time you meet a guy you like, hold off on initiating. Don’t prompt a response when you don’t hear from a guy either. If a man is truly interested in you, he will take charge and pursue you. It’s your job as the woman to respond, but not initiate. Women may not like this, but it is the cold, hard truth. Dating is an archaic mating ritual rooted in biology and has not caught up yet with gender equality and it might not ever change. We just don’t know.

However, this is only during the initial dating phase of 4-10 dates. After that, things balance out and you can call, etc. Although a good rule of thumb is a 3 to 1 ratio – you let him contact you three times for every one time that you reach out. This prevents a man from feeling you are pursuing him or invading his space.

2. Date More Than One Guy
Another point is that you waited patiently while he was visiting with his kids. This would have been a great time to be dating other men since you never know who might turn out to be “the one”.  Many women have the idea of some guy being ideal and shut out other opportunities too quickly before they can really know he will follow through. To guard your heart, I strongly recommend dating more casually at first so you can date several guys.

Thankfully, I followed this advice or I probably never would have hung in there with my husband. He only wanted to see me once a week and it was driving me crazy, So, I was dating another man at the same time. I liked him too, but balancing between them kept me from thinking about either one too much. At some point, I gathered enough information about them both to make my choice.

Often, the men you date will simply disappear – that’s why dating multiple people during the getting to know you phase of 4-10 dates is a smart way to go. Here’s a video about why its best to date around.

I wrote a post recently about hooking up and hanging out that you might find helpful. Hope this helps you with understanding men!

Wishing you love,

dating coach, find love, meet men

Find Love: 1000 Articles About Dating, Love & Understanding Men

find love, meet men online dating profile, dating coachI can’t believe it, this is my one thousandth dating advice blog post!  That’s a whole lot of blogging and it just amazes me. To commemorate the momentous occasion, I thought it would be fun to highlight 11 of my most popular posts for you – one for each year I’ve been a dating coach.

As a dating coach for women, my job is to help women find love, meet men, understand men, write a great  online dating profile and so much more. If you read these articles, you’ll walk away with a far better understanding of men and dating.  Knowledge is power if you want to find love, so read up!

1. He Texts Me But Doesn’t Ask Me Out

This post is by far the most popular and a new chronic problem in the dating world. Men (and women too) who text up a storm, but don’t have time (or desire perhaps) to see you.  Why do people text if they don’t want to see you? And what should you do about it? Is texting a way to find love?

2. Don’t Pursue Men or You’ll Make Them Run!

The second most popular post, women write their questions to me all the time with their reasons for contacting a man. Every answer I provide goes back to the original post on why it’s simply not a good idea to chase men if you want to find love.

3. He Flirts with Me But Doesn’t Ask Me Out

Here’s the 3rd most popular post with a common problem many women face. Understanding that flirting doesn’t always indicate true interest can be hard to swallow, but will make more sense once you read the article. This will save you a lot of potential heartache.

4. What Works Better Than Chasing Men

If you are inclined to contact men and pursue them in any way, this post gives you smarter alternatives that have much more promise.

5. Understand Men: Mixed Signals Are So Confusing

Sometimes men say one thing, but do another and things just don’t add up. What are you supposed to make of this and how can you understand what is really going on? That’s what I make clear in this article about mixed signals if you want to find love.

6. How to Know When to Believe What a Man Says And When to Ignore His Words

If you have been drawn in by the sweet words a man says, or have ignored what a man said and then regretted it, here’s how you can know once and for all – when to believe what a man is saying. This test of his words works every time without fail.

7. Four Big Reasons Not to Call Him

Often, my dating coaching clients just want to call a man and ask him a direct question about what is going on. Since both parties are adults, this would seem like a perfectly good solution right?  But it is not a good idea! You won’t get the results you are looking for and you need to find out why this is true.

8. Why Didn’t He Call? The Best Way to Handle Rejection

It can be so disappointing and hurtful when a man you thought you had a great connection with doesn’t call. Here are my suggestions for handling rejection, how to feel better and move on.

9. Eight Powerful Ways to Get His Attention Back

For some of my dating coaching clients, they feel they must TRY to get him back before they can possibly move on. This post provides eight ways to potentially recapture his attention to find love again.

10. Five Tips to Survive a Breakup

Once you know it’s really over, you could use all the help you can get. Here’s my brief survival guide for breakup recovery. These five tips provide my very best dating advice about the end of a relationship.

11. Dating After Divorce: 8 Things You Need to Know Before You Start

 If you are divorced and thinking about getting back out there, or have started dating and feel confused, please read these 8 essential dating tips. They’ll help you stop wasting time and feeling so confused.

 If you need expert dating advice, ask me during my monthly Inner Circle Calls.  The first Monday night of every month you can get savvy dating answers to your questions to clear up confusion, demystify situations, understand men, get dating tips and so much more. Read more and register now for the next call and the dating advice you need.

Don’t Pursue Him, Or You ‘ll Make Him Run

Don't Pursue Him

Running From Your Aggressive Moves

Here’s a little secret I don’t tell everybody…I have a few male dating coaching clients as well. I love coaching men because I learn so much about how they think to share with all of you!

Don’t Purse Him – It’s a Big Mistake

Recently, my client Ken told me about a woman he just met online. The first date was on a Saturday night, lasted for about six hours and went very well. Ken found her to be a lot of fun to talk to and really enjoyed her company.  (Ken and I have some work to do because first dates should never last this long.)

Let me share background on Ken. He is a good looking guy in his 50’s. He’s practical, down-to-earth and easy to talk to.  This is a man who has done his healing after divorce and wants a long-term, loving, relationship with the right woman.

Since he liked Sandra a lot, he made a second date at the end of the first. He suggested getting together a week later on Sunday night which Sandra was happy to accept.

Now, this is where the story gets bumpy. Apparently Sandra is very hot on Ken. She is not managing her enthusiasm and letting the man lead during the initial courtship. Sandra made a series of what I call “Fatal Errors” that caused her to look over eager and a little bit desperate. Here is my advice as a dating coach for women in midlife (or at any age really)

1. Don’t call him in the beginning
She couldn’t wait the eight days for the second date that Ken set up. So she took matters into her own hands and called him. Some men feel like you are invading their private space when you do this so it’s a risk.

2. Don’t pursue him. Let him ask you out so you know he is interested.
While Sandra had Ken on the phone, she asked him out for Thursday night, creating her own second date. Ken’s a nice guy and frankly felt flattered. So he agreed to meet her Thursday.

3. Don’t buy men gifts!
When Ken arrived at the designated meeting place for date two, Sandra had not one but two gifts for him. They had talked about favorite books and wine, so she bought him one of each.

4. Don’t have marathon dates.
There is some driving distance between where Sandra and Ken live, so the dates have been longer than usual. Date two was also more than six hours.

You may think I am over reacting but I assure you that I AM NOT. This is what Ken said to me after the second date.

“Well now I have my third date in a week coming up. I’m not sure I want to spend that much time with her so quickly. She bought me gifts you know. Why did she do that? I mean it was nice and all but I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t have anything to give her. It was awkward. I was flattered that she called and asked me out and I had a good time, but now it feels like too much to be seeing her again so soon. I just started dating online and want to meet other women, so now what do I do?”

In truth, Ken played a role in some of these mistakes.
– He didn’t keep the first date short.
– He accepted her date request rather than waiting.
– He didn’t go slow at first to avoid letting things get serious too quickly.

Single Gals, Please Hang Back and Let the Man Lead – You Can’t Go Wrong
Regardless of the mistakes Ken made, it’s your job as a woman to manage some of the dating mechanics. Please control your enthusiasm so you don’t appear over anxious or worse – desperate. Don’t call men, try to speed things up or ask them out on dates in the beginning. And don’t buy them gifts for any reason unless it’s a birthday, then get a token gift. This all boils down to the basic rule of thumb – don’t pursue him.

Don’t Lose the Only Advantage Your Have!
Wait to see what a man will do of his own accord to win you over. If you do not do this, you lose the only advantage you have to observe his behavior and collect information about how interested he really is in you.

What Seems Like A Nice Thing Can  Negatively Impact His Masculine Ego
The risk of you initiating is HUGE because you could make the guy uncomfortable and look elsewhere for women who make him feel good about his masculine energy or enhance it. That’s the problem!

If you pursue him, chase him, call him, ask him out and buy him gifts, you are USURPING HIS MASCULINE ENERGY and emasculating him. This will never help him feel good about you so DON’T DO IT!

Learn from Sandra and Don’t Make These Aggressive Fatal Dating Errors
You want a good man to grow more attracted to you. Give him the space and time to pursue you and get invested in you. Men are slower to bond and there is nothing you can do to hurry this process for him. Your efforts to let him lead will usually be rewarded. But at the very least, you won’t send men away suspicious and worried that you like him too much too quickly – like the movie Fatal Attraction.

***********

PS. If you’ve made this dating mistake, listen to my Free Audio Program 12 First Date Mistakes Women Make that Ruin Your Chance for Love.  Or schedule a Free 30-minute session with me to talk about your situation and discover how coaching can help.

 

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Do I Have to Appear Needy to Attract a Man?

Dear Ronnie The Dating Coach for Women Over 40,

Rely on your Feminine Charm

I’m 52 years old and I look rather young for my years.  I haven’t had a date since my divorce 4 1/2 years ago.  No so much as a phone call.  I have tried Match.com and e-harmony with no luck.   I still haven’t found one prospect for love.

I was told by a friend that I look like I don’t need anything because of the way I dress and the car I drive.  My reaction was “huh?” You mean to tell me I’m suppose to look needy before anyone will find me attractive or a worthy person to date?

Please help,
Feeling Perplexed

 

Dear Perplexed,

There is a big difference between being needy and being open and welcoming. Many independent, self sufficient women wear this badge of honor proudly. It’s great to be able to take care of yourself, but this is not a quality that will attract a man. Men don’t want you to be needy, but they do want to feel needed. Men want to know there is room in your life for them.

A certain degree of vulnerability is required to connect with the right man at the heart level. If you are all about success and independence, this can be a surprising turn off to men.

You see, men don’t want to compete with you. They compete at work when their alpha male comes into play. A successful man fights battles for success on a daily basis. So later, when he wants to spend time with a woman, he doesn’t want more of the same energy. He wants his opposite, his compliment. He wants to be with a feminine woman.

If you are an alpha women, successful in business, knowing how to shake, rattle and roll, that’s great. But most alpha men won’t find this attractive. However, even an alpha woman can learn to let her beta gal out for romance.

The key is to learn how to let the man lead initially. At least in the beginning of the courtship, get to know you phase. For at least 4-10 dates, think of dating like ball room dancing. There’s only one leader in ballroom dancing and one follower. You can’t have two leaders – you’ll be in a power struggle. And two followers of course go absolutely nowhere.

What does letting the man lead look like? Let him ask for your number. If he gives you his, tell him you don’t call men or prefer to have men call you. Don’t follow up like you do in business – there is no follow up in dating for the woman. That is the man’s job. Don’t ask him out, call to see how he is, text or email frequently.

Instead, give him space to come to you. Then respond with the same amount and frequency. Mirror his actions.

When a man pursues you, he gets invested in winning you over. If you chase him – what’s the fun in that? Where’s the challenge for him? It becomes boring when you serve yourself up on a silver platter. Most men, especially alpha males DO NOT WANT TO BE PURSUED.

Net take away here is DO NOT DO A MAN’S WORK FOR HIM. If you want a man to get the ball rolling, leave the ball in his court and let him pick it up. This is the only way you will ever know how interested he is in you. A man who does the work to get your number, call you , set up the date, and pay is often a man who is truly interested.

Of course there are other thresholds he’ll have to cross to prove his intent. Things like consistency of his actions and words, frequency of calls and dates, and if he comes on strong and then seems to fade away for no reason. But that is for another discussion.

My advice to you as it is for women dating over 40 and women dating after divorce is to learn to rely on your feminine charm. Smile at him, be warm and friendly, make him feel good by listening, offering sparing compliments and letting him know you appreciate him and had a good time. As a woman – that is your job.

You seem like a smart cookie. I have faith in you that you can learn to heighten your feminine charm to capture a man’s attention. This is one of the main things I coach women on in private coaching and group work. So let me know if I can help!

Wishing you love,
Ronnie – The Dating Coach

 

Photo Credit: FilmResearch

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Dating After Divorce: Are You Doing All the Work?

YOU go on a date with a nice guy. You send him a cute note  thanking him for the evening. Seems like the right thing to do, after all, you want him to know you’re interested. You want him to know you’d like to see him again .

I even sent a guy a small gift  after a particularly good first date.  Just to reinforce what a great catch I was.

Then you don’t hear from him over the next week or two. You start to wonder. Maybe he’s busy. Maybe he’s out of town. Maybe it’s something you said. You wants to call to say “Hi.”  Nothing serious, just get into a friendly conversation and ask him how things are going. Being friendly. Moving the ball forward.

Know what I learned after doing this?

It doesn’t work.
The strategy is ALL WRONG.

I learned my lessons the hard way – by living them. But you don’t have to. You can read what this dating coach has to say and learn what work so much better.

Think about dating in a new way . There’s a dating strategy to find the right man for you. A guy who knows what he wants and he wants is YOU. He is ready for a relationship.

How are you going to find this type of man? Well, it actually takes less effort. What? Less effort? How can that be?  The first thing  to understand: Chasing men does not work.  So what does work?

Ballroom dancing. What has that got to do with dating? Everything!

How many leaders per couple in ballroom dancing? Just one. How many followers? Just one and as a woman, that’s your role. What if you both want to lead? POWER STRUGGLE! And he’ll lose interest quickly. Men like to chase, not be chased. It’s the law of the jungle and dating is still an archaic mating ritual. The more you fight this, the more you struggle and feel frustrated.

I know this is hard to take in. We are emancipated! We are equals!  That may be true, but the part you are missing is that WE ARE NOT THE SAME.  A visual example of this is the Yin/Yang symbol from Eastern philosophy. Equal black and white paisally-shaped pieces fit into each other to make a bigger whole. The pieces are the same size but they are not totally the same –  they are mirror images.

So, if you want a man to act like the man, you have to let HIM be the man. You have to let him lead. Not for eternity . But for the first phase of dating which is some where between 4-10 dates, depending on the couple. After that, everything starts to rebalance.

The purpose of dating is to gather data. But when you take the lead, you cannot get any information about what  man will do without your prompting. And that is the only behavior that matters!

As a woman, you want to know what he’ll do to win you  over. How he’ll try to please you, impress you , get to know you. If you  call him, ask him out, or pay, you won’t know when he would have called or if he’s generous. You can’t collect any reliable data about a man when you pursue. That’s how you find a guy who is ambivalent, who doesn’t follow through, who is unrelaible. Do the work for him and he won’t have to …He can be lazy because you’ll pick up the slack! We women can be such accomodating work horses.

Stop doing all the work! Let men step up to the plate and then you’ll know if he’s really interested in you. Your job as a woman is to share your attention and the pleasure of your company.That’s it!  If he likes you, he WILL CALL YOU. He will text or email. He will ask you out and pay for the first few dates.

Let men chase you and watch how your results shift.