Tag Archives: Dont’ ask him out

Dating After Divorce: 8 Things You Need to Know Before You Start Dating Again

dating after divorce, meet men, find love, dating coaching

Dating After Divorce – 8 Essential Tips Before You Start

Are you ready to start dating after divorce?

Maybe you’ve been divorced for years. Or maybe  it’s only been 9 months since your marriage ended. Either way, you are feeling ready to get back out there. Good for you! Before you get started, there are eight very important things you need to know about how dating works today to avoid the heartbreaking pitfalls so many women experience.

1. Unrealistic expectations. For some divorced women, even though they think they are ready to meet men, set the criteria  for the right men is set so high, they probably won’t want to date anyone. The only way to meet the right man is to meet lots of men and allow yourself to get to know a few. Disqualifying guys is the easiest thing to do. Instead, as your dating coach I want you to say yes to meeting men because that is the only way you can find a good guy.

2. Not enough expectations. OK, you may think I’m flip-flopping but for some women, they never set any criteria and will date any man who asks them out because , well, he’s a man. This extreme isn’t good either and will get you hooked on a guy that will probably won’t be compatible, just available. You deserve a man you enjoy, respect and get along with. If you’re dating after divorce, have some basic idea of what will work for you and qualities you are seeking, so you can disqualify inappropriate dates and save yourself a lot aggravation.

3. Don’t fall for Mr. Charming. There are some men who are amazingly charming. They know exactly what a woman needs and wants to hear to let down her defenses. They do nice things for you right away, plan the future early on, tell you how wonderful you are, and make themselves  the kind of guy you dream of. They do all this with one agenda in mind – getting you into bed fast. Some charmers will sleep with you once and be gone, while others might stick around for a while. Inevitably, they will move on to the next conquest.

I also call these guys “players” and you can read more in this post. Whether you’ve never been married or are dating after divorce, you could meet up with a charming player.

You can enjoy time with a player, just don’t fall for his lines like he means the, You want to watch to see that he is consistent with you over time – like at least 4-6 dates. If you  have 6 dates with Mr. Charming, he might be a decent guy. However, you can only tell by waiting it out to see if he calls and sees you regularly even if you don’t sleep with him and make him wait! Once in a while Mr. Charming can be for real, but it’s extremely rare.

4. Do not call or ask men out. I know it seems like all the rules of dating have changed and become modernized. sorry but that’s a big fat lie. This is one of the biggest pitfalls going for women. I tell my dating coaching clients all the time – do not initiate anything with men. You want to see what a man will do on his own without your prompting to know if he is interested and shows consistency over time. That is the only way to go if you want to date smart.

Think of ballroom dancing – you follow his lead, but he always takes the first step. This changes once you have enough dates that you move into the first phase of relationship – then you can contact him first on a 3:1 ratio. Eventually things will balance out but if you don’t follow this process, you could easily chase him away quickly.

When you wait to see what a man will do, then you can gather important data about his behavior. Does his interest seem genuine and consistent? There’s only one way to find out and that is to do NOTHING. So if he asks you out, then respond and say yes if you want to go. If he texts, you can text back or email or call, but don’t start anything.

5. Be fun and appreciative. Your job as a woman is to be a fun date, easy to be with, and appreciative of what he has done – if you like it. For example, if he picked a great restaurant – tell him that! Praise goes a long way to appeal to a man’s ego. Men choose women who make them feel good so please keep that in mind.

6. Forget having that honest conversation. So many women dating after divorce tell me when a man doesn’t call or something goes awry, they want to pick up the phone and have an honest conversation. This is direct approach, when a woman wants to simply ask a man directly why he did what he did. DON’T DO IT!

If you try the honest conversation, you will make the man squirm, feel pressured and very uncomfortable. He will say anything to get you off the phone and you will not have accomplished a thing. Once in a relationship, you can have the occasional honest conversation and should to see how you can work through situations. Just not when first dating.

 7. If he doesn’t ask you out, he’s not into you. Countless women feel the frustration of a flirtatious man who texts, emails, calls or talks to you in person, but never asks you out. Here’s a very simple rule of thumb, if he doesn’t ask you out, he’s not interested in you no matter what else he says or does. Thanks to Greg Behrendt and  his book

8. Learn about dating today. If it’s been years since you dated, then you must familiarize yourself with what works today. Read my book, MANifesting Mr. Right or read what other dating coaches have written. If you are over 40, then read things from experts who work with the over 40 crowd. Dating in your 20’s is not the same as in your 40’s, 50’s or 60’s. Find out the do’s and don’ts so you don’t fall into common pitfalls like so many women do. Date smart to guard your heart and find  the right man for you.

 

 

Don’t Pursue Him, Or You ‘ll Make Him Run

Don't Pursue Him

Running From Your Aggressive Moves

Here’s a little secret I don’t tell everybody…I have a few male dating coaching clients as well. I love coaching men because I learn so much about how they think to share with all of you!

Don’t Purse Him – It’s a Big Mistake

Recently, my client Ken told me about a woman he just met online. The first date was on a Saturday night, lasted for about six hours and went very well. Ken found her to be a lot of fun to talk to and really enjoyed her company.  (Ken and I have some work to do because first dates should never last this long.)

Let me share background on Ken. He is a good looking guy in his 50’s. He’s practical, down-to-earth and easy to talk to.  This is a man who has done his healing after divorce and wants a long-term, loving, relationship with the right woman.

Since he liked Sandra a lot, he made a second date at the end of the first. He suggested getting together a week later on Sunday night which Sandra was happy to accept.

Now, this is where the story gets bumpy. Apparently Sandra is very hot on Ken. She is not managing her enthusiasm and letting the man lead during the initial courtship. Sandra made a series of what I call “Fatal Errors” that caused her to look over eager and a little bit desperate. Here is my advice as a dating coach for women in midlife (or at any age really)

1. Don’t call him in the beginning
She couldn’t wait the eight days for the second date that Ken set up. So she took matters into her own hands and called him. Some men feel like you are invading their private space when you do this so it’s a risk.

2. Don’t pursue him. Let him ask you out so you know he is interested.
While Sandra had Ken on the phone, she asked him out for Thursday night, creating her own second date. Ken’s a nice guy and frankly felt flattered. So he agreed to meet her Thursday.

3. Don’t buy men gifts!
When Ken arrived at the designated meeting place for date two, Sandra had not one but two gifts for him. They had talked about favorite books and wine, so she bought him one of each.

4. Don’t have marathon dates.
There is some driving distance between where Sandra and Ken live, so the dates have been longer than usual. Date two was also more than six hours.

You may think I am over reacting but I assure you that I AM NOT. This is what Ken said to me after the second date.

“Well now I have my third date in a week coming up. I’m not sure I want to spend that much time with her so quickly. She bought me gifts you know. Why did she do that? I mean it was nice and all but I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t have anything to give her. It was awkward. I was flattered that she called and asked me out and I had a good time, but now it feels like too much to be seeing her again so soon. I just started dating online and want to meet other women, so now what do I do?”

In truth, Ken played a role in some of these mistakes.
– He didn’t keep the first date short.
– He accepted her date request rather than waiting.
– He didn’t go slow at first to avoid letting things get serious too quickly.

Single Gals, Please Hang Back and Let the Man Lead – You Can’t Go Wrong
Regardless of the mistakes Ken made, it’s your job as a woman to manage some of the dating mechanics. Please control your enthusiasm so you don’t appear over anxious or worse – desperate. Don’t call men, try to speed things up or ask them out on dates in the beginning. And don’t buy them gifts for any reason unless it’s a birthday, then get a token gift. This all boils down to the basic rule of thumb – don’t pursue him.

Don’t Lose the Only Advantage Your Have!
Wait to see what a man will do of his own accord to win you over. If you do not do this, you lose the only advantage you have to observe his behavior and collect information about how interested he really is in you.

What Seems Like A Nice Thing Can  Negatively Impact His Masculine Ego
The risk of you initiating is HUGE because you could make the guy uncomfortable and look elsewhere for women who make him feel good about his masculine energy or enhance it. That’s the problem!

If you pursue him, chase him, call him, ask him out and buy him gifts, you are USURPING HIS MASCULINE ENERGY and emasculating him. This will never help him feel good about you so DON’T DO IT!

Learn from Sandra and Don’t Make These Aggressive Fatal Dating Errors
You want a good man to grow more attracted to you. Give him the space and time to pursue you and get invested in you. Men are slower to bond and there is nothing you can do to hurry this process for him. Your efforts to let him lead will usually be rewarded. But at the very least, you won’t send men away suspicious and worried that you like him too much too quickly – like the movie Fatal Attraction.

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PS. If you’ve made this dating mistake, listen to my Free Audio Program 12 First Date Mistakes Women Make that Ruin Your Chance for Love.  Or schedule a Free 30-minute session with me to talk about your situation and discover how coaching can help.

 

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