Tag Archives: dating tips

Dating After 40: Everything You Need to Know in One Interview

Are you dating after 40 or dating after divorce and feel confused or skittish?

My friend Randye Kaye (former DJ on Star 99.9) interviewed me on her new radio program The Life Talk Show. We had a blast! She, Diana and Nicki chatted with me about dating in midlfe, common mistakes people make, ways to meet singles and my best tips to help you find the love you dream of.

If you wish you could just get me to tell you my top dating after 40 tips, this is it!


  • Where are the single men over 40
  • What gets in the way of dating after 40
  • What is the best thing you can do to open up to midlife love
  • How to make the most of online dating
  • Why you can’t take the DNA out of dating
  • Why dating is really data gathering
  • and so much more!

I love this tidbit of wisdom Randye shared, “There’s a Lesson in Every Frog” meaning that even the worst dating experience has something you can learn from.

The best part is we laughed and had fun with this topic. Sometimes people are so very serious about dating after 40 or dating after divorce. We shared ideas on how to lighten up the experience so you can have more fun with it. Wouldn’t’ that be nice if dating could be fun vs. misery, confusion, frustration and drudgery?

Listen  here and get my top expert advice for dating after 40 all in one show.

March 23 – Booth at Fitness Edge Event – Shelton, CT

Are you a member of the Fitness Edge in Shelton, CT? If you live in the area and have been curious about the Fitness Edge gym or are already a member, stop by my booth from 4-7pm. Watch for my Dating Coaching Specials, dating tips, books and audios. Plus, other great vendors with jewlery, etc. and a raffle. It’ll be fun, so stop in!

The Fitness Edge
862 Bridgeport Avenue, Shelton, CT

Wednesday, March 23 from 4-7 pm
Free Event!

Over 40 Dating: Why Didn’t He Call? Why Too Much Information May Not Be Helpful

Rachel Greenwald, author of Find a Husband after 35, just released a new book entitled, Why He Didn’t Call You Back: 1,000 Guys Reveal What They Really Thought About You After Your Date.

I’ll admit that I haven’t read the book, although I did read her first “how to.” I can tell you many of my dating coaching clients actually cried after they read the book because as a Harvard MBA, Greenwald made the process complicated and analytical. My clients got overwhelmed and depressed that it was all too arduous a task to find a mate.

While it may not be easy, it can be a fun adventure, at least part of the time. But with all those grids to fill out and steps to take, I understand how they felt.

Anyway, while plenty of women want to know the answer to this undying question, “Why didn’t he call?” I have a different point of view.

Will Knowing Really Be Helpful?
Why do you need to know? How will this information help you? Will understanding the 1,000 reasons from 1,000 men make it easier the next time a guy doesn’t follow through?

I don’t think so.  I’ll tell you what I think…

If a man takes your number and then doesn’t call – he wasn’t the right man for you.
That’s it. Plain, simple and completely true.

Let’s examine a few possible reasons to see if the information would really improve your dating experience.

5  Reasons Why He Didn’t Call You

1. He lost the number – well anyone can make a mistake I suppose, but that info doesn’t really change anything.

2. Thought it was a good idea to call at the time, but lost his nerve the next day and decided you probably wouldn’t like him. Not too helpful either.

3. Was attracted to you and wanted to connect, but is already seeing someone. The next day he woke up to realize he isn’t really available or doesn’t want to risk his current “thing.” Again – don’t see  the benefit of knowing this.

4. You were really funny and he thought you were hot, but the next day his friends gave him crap about you so he decided not to go for it.

5. He was totally into you at the time, but the next day you sort of reminded him of his ex.

What’s the trend here?
None of these reasons have anything to do with you.

Even if a reason for not calling was that you looked good from the front, but once he caught a glimpse of your butt, he changed his mind, that’s not really helpful either is it? Ahh, nope.

Do you know that acronym? It stands for Too Much Information. Yes, too much information can be interesting, but not necessarily helpful. And, TMI can lead to analysis paralysis and feeling hopeless. 

I vote – skip Rachel’s new book. Better to spend your time building your confidence, flattening your abs, laughing with girlfriends, taking care of business, relaxing in a bubblebath, playing with your kids or dog, helping a friend or meeting new men who just might follow through and call. There are still plenty of men who do.

Dating Over 40: Asking the Hard Questions

Mr friend Terry, author of  How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams has a really good blog posting about asking the hard questions. a woman wrote to her who lives at home and is seeing a guy she claims treats her well. But they have no place to hang out together because she doesn’t know where he lives since he moved out from his ex-girlfriend.

Are you raising your eyebrows?
I am.
So did Terry.

And in a gentle and empowering way, Terry gave this woman sage advice that we both hope she follows.

Read the whole post here to get a good idea of how to raise your standards and really get treated right. There’s no reason to wait and wonder when you can sum up your courage and ask the hard questions. That’s how you learn what you must know to forge a strong bond with the right man.

Do Your Actions Line Up with Your Intentions and Desires?

Elaine is 54, single, and an extremely busy executive with a job that is all consuming. Two weeks ago she went on a first date with Daniel, and she was complaining to me how he hadn’t called. She was surprised and confused to report that he had left a message just that day to set up their next date.

Elaine felt angry and apathetic about the second date. Two weeks was too long to wait and as a woman and a coach, I understand what she means. But we didn’t really have enough information to know for sure what had caused the time lapse. Maybe he doesn’t have the same dating agenda. Maybe he’s seeing several other women. Maybe he’s not that interested. Maybe he was out of town on business. Granted it wasn’t a good sign, but we can’t be completely sure it’s a bad sign.

Lastly, I pointed out that Daniel’s pace was actually perfect for Elaine’s busy schedule. Even if he had called sooner, Elaine was traveling on business and wouldn’t have been able to get together. And, she isn’t sure when she’ll be able to set up the date in the near future due to business and family obligations.

But let’s look past the surface here to go deeper into this situation.

Elaine  insists she yearns for a loving, committed relationship. But, does she have time for it? And does she really want love? Because looking at her situation objectively, Elaine’s actions don’t match up with her desire. She doesn’t have room for a man in her life. And she does very little to find one or free up her time constraints. After coaching for months, nothing has really changed regarding her schedule or her efforts to meet men.


Let me draw an analogy. According to Feng Shui, when you have a bookcase jam-packed with books, that sends a message to the Universe that you are "all filled up" and don’t need any more. That’s the reason a Feng Shui practitioner will suggest you make room in that bookshelf and unload some of those titles. The same holds true for your TIME.

If you are like Elaine, busy busy busy and all booked up, you are sending a message to the Universe that you have all you need. You have no more time, so why send anything else to you? Not the message you want to send is it?

To use the Law of Attraction properly, you not only have to focus on what you want, you have to take steps to find it as well. Elaine needs to line up her actions with her desire and intentions to find love.

I talked to Elaine about her time. How could she make room for some empty space? That gave her a good chuckle.  I suggested she could read a couple of books that had been piled up if nothing came to fill the space. But she had to start creating room in her calendar and life if she wanted to send out vibes of being available. Elaine understood.

In my book MANifesting Mr. Right, Chapter 4 goes over how to make yourself more available. To do so, the chapter explains how to:

Clear your Mind
Clear your Heart
Clear your Closet
Clear your Calendar

These gestures help to free you up on multiple levels and make room for a man in your life.

If you feel any of Elaine’s situation sounds like your life, you may want to start the clearing process too. To find out how, get your copy of MANifesting Mr. Right today. You can start to align your actions with your intentions and that is the surest way to attract what you want in life. Here’s to clearing things up soon!


Dating Over 40: A Flirty, Fun Summer – What’s That?

One of my newest clients asked me what a flirty fun summer is supposed to be like.  That’s what I’ve been talking about a lot lately. The idea involves enjoying yourself while flirting with men. But let’s take a step back further to really examine what flirty fun might mean.

According to dictionary.com, the word FLIRT means:
To act amorously without serious intentions; to play at love

According to dictionary.com, the word FUN means:
Something that provides mirth or amusement, enjoyment or playfulness.

So Flirty Fun would be to act amorously without serious intentions for enjoyment.  Sounds like fun to me!

This is a very different agenda than to find a serious dating partner. Although, it might very well be a delicious byproduct of your flirty fun summer. The focus is on getting good at flirting, which improves your self esteem, builds your self-image, and most importantly, makes you very approachable.

Your approachability and your desirability are crucial to your ultimate dating success.

It’s a strategy to get good at, comfortable with and happy about talking with men you don’t know. And it’s one that works.

When you take the pressure off only speaking to potential Mr. Rights, you dramatically improve your approachability. I’m not saying you should date a bunch of Mr. Wrongs. Instead, I’m suggesting that you talk to a wide range of men and learn to enjoy it. When you enjoy talking with men, you send out an entirely different non-verbal message to the Universe (and to men) which is:

I like men! I have fun talking to new men! It’s fun to flirt with guys and I use my feminine charm which is my birth right. Flirting is a playful past time. I’ll feel good. And the men will feel good. And there’s no strings attached and no promises made. And, I laugh a lot, smile a lot more, and can look back at my summer and think – Wow – what a blast!

I have so many great memories and wonderful stories that will surely entertain my friends. Plus, now that I’m good at flirting, it’s simply part of who I am – I can do it way beyond the summer months. Which means I can have flirty fun any time, any where.

Why not take the challenge? What if you could meet 50 men during the 100 days of summer? Looking back after Labor Day weekend, you could recount all the men you met, fun you had, and dates you enjoyed. So many things happened that you never would have dreamed were possible.

And what is the downside? I can’t think of much downside to fun. Frankly I can never seem to have too much fun. I live for fun and laughter. That’s why I still flirt – it’s a spontaneous use of my sense of humor and creativity and it makes me happy. I like to make other people smile.

What about you? Give it a whirl! You don’t have much to lose, but you have so much flirty fun to gain.


Dating After Divorce: Conversational Flirting – Tips to Connect with Dating Prospects

So you see a great looking man (or woman) and you wish you could think of something to say. But shyness overcomes you or you get tongue-tied. In that split second you have to connect with someone– the right words don’t seem to pop into your head. Well fear no longer. Below, you’ll find a few simple, yet highly effective tips to help you get over that hump and flirt with the best of them. 

Inner Chatter Gets in the Way
First let’s break the art of conversation down to understand the elements involved. You talk, you listen, and the other person talks and listens. Hopefully you share a laugh or two. That’s it! Why doesn’t it seem that easy? Well for one thing, people who worry about conversation are often having way too much internal musing to even hear what the other person is saying. You know what I mean. Instead of actually listening to your partner, you start thinking:

– What should I say next?
– Does it seems like the person likes me?
– Nobody wants to hear what I have to say
– I’m not very good at idle chit-chat, etc.
Focus on What the Other Person is Saying
Honestly who could participate in a lively conversation with that much distraction from inner doubt and chatter? Next time you notice this split in your brain, bring yourself back to the present moment and focus on what your partner is saying. Your rapt attention is very flattering and will help you concentrate on the conversation, rather than drifting off into worries.
Extending the Conversation
Here are a few simple ways that will dramatically improve your ability to hold and deepen a conversation and even enjoy it!
1. Think of the conversation as a learning experience – to get to know the person, focus on him/her and ask questions about them rather than talk about yourself
2. Comment on the last few words that he/she said and turn that into a question. Whatever the last words were, follow up with, "Tell me more about that." Or "What do you mean by ______? "Or repeat the words and end the sentence on an up note indicating a question.
3. When it’s your turn, contribute something that supports your partner’s point, from your own life experience, the news, or the environment. Then finish up with another question that deepens the conversational thread or takes it in a new direction.
You can have an entire conversation like this and actually say very little about yourself – yet the dialog will flow smoothly and your partner will likely be enthralled. This method is so engaging, often the other person doesn’t even recognize the entire dialogue has been all about him/her.
Why A Good Conversation is like a Tree 
Visualize a good conversation like a tree, branching out in many possible directions. You start down one path, then you shift to another angle, then continue until it forks again. Once you realize there are many different conversational branches you can follow, it makes the process so much easier.
Practice Makes it Easier
Conversation is an art that can be cultivated and opportunities to practice present themselves all day long. Don’t wait for the perfect person. The more exchanges you initiate, the more confident you’ll feel. And, trust me, that will lead to meeting lots of new people and more fun, no matter where you go or what you do.
So get out there, put a smile on your face, and talk with everyone around you. One thing is for sure, when you minimize the internal chatter, you free yourself up to connect with people more easily and participate in life’s adventure. 

Dating Over 40: Flirting – Watch this How-To Video and Learn


Here’s something new for you – Love U, an educational video series on… DATING! How fun!

I  just watched this quick video on flirting. They have the concepts down, but the demonstration seems a bit tongue and cheek. Not all that serious, really. But the lessons themselves are sound. Things like flipping your hair, mirroring his body language, and scent do make a difference and are key elements to any successful flirting plan. But I’m sure you’ll get a kick out of how the team in this little vignette executes the plan.

If you’ve got 3 minutes, why not watch it and get a good laugh. It’s pretty entertaining. Watch here  You can never get enough flirting training so check it out for yourself.

Dating Over 40: Why can’t a man just tell you when things are over?


Dear Dating Coach,

Why can’t a man just tell you when things are over?
I had a long distance relationship with this great guy for 15 months. He had been a client and while we worked together, we spoke daily. At one point he flew out for a meeting and we got to spend time face to face. Once the project was over, things really took off. While we only saw each other every couple of months, we were in constant contact, sometimes several times a day with email, texting and phone calls.  He signed off with xoxox or kisses, that sort of endearing tone.
Then in April he cancelled his visit at the last minute. His communications stopped abruptly. I let it drop until in a recent email exchange that was business related, he stuck this bomb into the middle of the text. "Oh yeah, I just got married. We were on vacation and it was sort of spur of the moment."  Spur of the moment wedding?
He told me in the beginning he was living with a woman but that things were on the rocks. Actually she was the reason he had left his wife of 15 years.
Why didn’t he tell me he was getting married? And why did he stick this bomb into the middle of a business communication? That just doesn’t make sense to me? Please help.
Perplexed in Pacific Heights
Dear Perplexed,
In general, men dislike confrontation. And most don’t like to hurt a woman’s feelings or be exposed to the likely emotional outburst that follows such an announcement. Add your business relationship to the mix and you’ve got a highly sticky situation. That pretty much explains why he didn’t come clean sooner.
Of course his lack of integrity might also be a contributing factor. Not only did he cheat on his first wife with the second, but he was already cheating on the second before he married her. This cycle usually continues, so in a way, you’re lucky to be free of him.
It’s never easy when a relationship comes to an end, no matter how it happens. This situation is particularly jarring, since marriage is a giant leap from a "rocky relationship." He was honest enough to tell you he was in a relationship from the start, maybe so you wouldn’t call him at home…
The best thing to do here is to recap what you learned because every relationship has learning opportunities.
1) When a man tells you he’s already in a relationship, stop right there. He’s not free to be with you and the reasons why his situation isn’t good are irrelevant.
2) Long distance relationships can be hard to read. Sometimes one person doesn’t want a constant, close relationship so the distance makes things perfect. A perfect excuse to put a limit on the amount of time spent together. That’s also something to think about. Did that distance serve you as well in some way?
3) What did you like about the relationship? What qualities would you like to find again in a partner and what things would you avoid?
This kind of de-briefing can be a valuable step in the healing process. Once you take the time to consider these things, you are more ready to move forward to try again with someone new.
Personally, I hope you get back out there soon to take advantage of spring and summer – the friendliest seasons of the year.
Wishing you love,
Ronnie- The Dating Coach

Dating Over 40: Looking for Love? What’s wrong with now?

Saturday a potential new client called me to talk about coaching. She wanted to know how it works and could I help with her match.com profile. We talked for a while and I explained the coaching process. Vanessa had a lot of questions. Turns out she met me 6 years ago at one of my dating workshops! She liked what I had to say and had decided it was time to do something.

As we continued to talk about online dating, photo or no photo, which sites might work best for her, etc. she finished up by saying she had to think about it and would get back to me. Think about it? "Vanessa," I said, "You’ve been thinking about this for six years. What’s left to think about?"
Vanessa said she preferred to wait until September to attend one of my workshops. I tried to encourage her that this time of year was the best for seeking a partner and that she shouldn’t miss the season.
I could not convince Vanessa to take that step. Her fear of what might happen when she gets out there to meet men has completely immobilized her.  And that’s a shame.
Eckhardt Tole, author of the Oprah sensation, A New Earth, was previously known for his book, the Power of Now. The whole point is that the only moment of power we have is NOW. We cannot change history and even one minute ago is lost to us to make any changes. And the future is uncertain and untouchable, until it becomes now. Now is really all we have to take action. In this moment, in this breath, on this day, you can do something that will change your life and your destiny.
Vanessa isn’t the only one who is putting off looking for love, even though she thinks about it all the time. I met a young woman at the gym who is in the same boat. She’s such a cutie, but highly rejection sensitive. I talked with her about coaching and she said she’ll probably sign on. That was six weeks ago. I called her on it last week and she said, "Well, are you gonna make me do stuff, like talk to men?" Uhhh yeah. That’s the whole point!
Please don’t think I’m lacking empathy. I understand. Maybe you had your heart broken or were horribly disappointed, or any of a number of other unpleasant things. But, no matter what, after healing, there’s only one step to take and that is forward. You will never attain your goal without taking that step forward. And the best time to take that step forward is now.
I’ve been in those shoes. I did nothing for nearly 18 years. I missed out on love for a major portion of my adult life. The only difference between the me who did nothing to meet men and the woman who was on a mission to find love was this: a simple decision. The decision to do something – Now.
I stopped worrying and decided to take action. Because worrying, waiting and doing nothing hadn’t helped me find the man of my dreams. Last Monday was my eighth wedding anniversary. That’s the proof in the pudding, so to speak. It was all worth it. Every bad date and disappointment along the way to meeting my husband.
I invite you to decide. To take action. To get moving. To stop waiting. Now is the moment of power. Invest the time and energy in yourself. Request some help if you want it. But do not wait around thinking about it.
Stop thinking, get out of your head and get busy.
Your life is waiting and the man of your dreams can’t meet you if you don’t get out there!

8 Powerful Ways to Get His Attention Back

How do you get his attention back when he has pulled away or changed the way he treats you? If things were great but no longer are, read on.

Your man seems distracted and you fear he may be losing interest. What’s a woman to do? You might be thinking – “What did I do wrong?” There could be a million reasons and it’s a good chance you will never know for sure. But here are eight powerful ways you can get his attention back.

 get his attention back

1First, be clear

Do you really want him back? If he lost interest, is he the right man for you? Was he that great or are you just lonely now? It’s worth asking because this will take some effort. So be clear he is a good match for you and worth the extra effort you are about to undertake to get his attention back.

2) Think about your interactions

Is it possible you have changed? I had a client one time who had a routine with men she dated. She’d start out all sweet as pie, but after a while, she couldn’t keep that up. She’d to go back to being her normal (not as agreeable) self. Yikes! It’s best to be yourself vs. what you think a man wants if you want lasting love.

Being yourself, albeit your best self, is crucial to developing a solid relationship. If you have shifted away from being your authentic self, come back to that, since that’s what your man was attracted to in the first place.

3) Have you become clingy or demanding?

It can happen to the best of us. But, being clingy is highly unattractive behavior. Men like confident women, same as women like confident men.

If your insecurity is getting the best of you, take care of your needs and give him some space. Rely on your friends more, read self-help books, or get professional help. Being clingy and demanding will not keep a man by your side for long.

4) Are you over-communicating?

Sometimes you are so happy to be dating a great guy, you start to over-communicate. If you are calling him often, sending multiple texts, or emailing frequently, slow it down. This is especially true when a man stops responding. Constantly reaching out will not help or get his attention back.

If he seems to be pulling back, give him some space. No one likes to feel crowded and men often communicate less than women. Allow for him to miss you and if he’s serious about you, he’ll reach back out soon. Or you’ll discover he’s not the man for you.

5) Are you taking up all of his time?

This is another space issue. Men need to keep up their friendships too and have quality guy time. They have interests and projects they want to spend time on. Smile when he wants to go out with the boys – that gives you a night off too. Visit with your friends or get chores done at home. You can entertain yourself one night, even on the weekend.

6) Do you still look your best?

It’s easy to slip back into comfy clothing vs. when you first met, but keeping up your appearance is important for maximizing attraction when still solidifying your relationship.

Don’t back slide into old habits if you tended to hang out in sweats before you met him. Put on some lipstick and wear something pretty, if you want to get his attention back. Looking good is excellent for your own self-esteem and confidence too.

7) Pull back

I know this is the hardest thing to do. Every instinct in your body is screaming to run after him. But don’t do it. That’s the worst strategy to get his attention back and it doesn’t work.

Think of this like ballroom dancing. As you take a step back, he has the chance to take a step forward. Don’t be too available, change plans or asking him out all the time. Absence can make the heart grow fonder. After he realizes you’re not all over him like you used to be, let him chase you again, so he appreciates you.

8) Remember, you are a fabulous woman

This guy you’ve been seeing is lucky to have shared time with you. If your relationship doesn’t work out, hold your head high and remain confident. You are still a great catch and there are plenty more men who will appreciate you.

If you do break up, take time to heal and build your self-esteem again. I guarantee, he really wasn’t the only guy for you. Someone else is out there who might be even better. But you won’t know that if you don’t get out there to look.

Now you know eight powerful ways to get his attention back or decide to move on to find the love you deserve.

Dating Over 40: Serial Monogamy – The Opposite of Dating

Have you heard of this term – Serial Monogamy? Until recently, I hadn’t. But I just interviewed a matchmaker from Massachusetts, Lanie Delphin of Massmatch.com. Lanie explained that serial monogamy is the result of people who don’t really want to date. They just want to be in a relationship.

The pattern involves rushing from the first date  immediatley into a relationship. Any relationship, without much concern if the person is a good match. This can lead to a series of relationships that don’t last. Some for weeks, some for three months, some for two years. Serial momogamy becomes a series of monogamous relationships that don’t work out.

Lanie feels that the solution to this syndrome, is to date – date a lot. The idea is to date casually and not get emotionally involved until you get to know a number of people who are potential mates. Then, once you see where things shake out, you have far more knowledge about the prospects in your dating pool. And this knowledge helps you to make a more informed decision about the right match for you.

There is some definite wisdom to this philosophy. I dated a lot of men before I settled into relationship with the man who is now my husband.  But, to some extent, you need to find someone you get a long with and then hang in their a while before you really know. Things happen as you spend more time with people that are telling. That’s why it’s good to get to know someone through all four seaons before getting married.

It helps to see what happens when you have a disagreement. How do you each handle a fight? How do things get resolved? Do you both fight fairly, maturely? Or does it get ugly? Really, how can you know these things without being together for some time?

I think the idea of dating casually until you find someone that feels like a good fit makes a lot of sense. Its great to meet lots of people, try different types to get to know what works and what to rule out. But at some point you will have to settle in and check things out. I don’t know of another way to find out if a person has relationship potential.  Perhaps the idea is to pre-qualify as best you can before launching into that couple phase.

Keeping your head about you, collecting information about how your date meets your long-term criteria and treats you, remaining objective for as long as possible. These are the smart things to do during your dating journey. Many get swayed quickly by emotion and then logic goes out the window. That’s really the key factor in finding a successful relationship.

I’d love to hear your reaction to this concept so please feel free to chime in!

And make hay while it’s May – this is the best time of year to get yoru dating campaign moving!


Flirt School – Unleash Your Feminine Allure to Attract More Men

What makes a woman irresistible? 

Some women just have the knack. But don’t despair. Now you too can effectively wield your feminine charms. You’ve got ’em, even if they’ve been buried deep within your heart and soul for years.
Here’s your chance to discover simple flirting techniques and sure-fire ways to rekindle your feminine allure. You’ll learn how to:
  • Let a man know you are approachable
  • Kick up your s-e-x appeal
  • Connect without saying a word
  • Send friendly, non-verbal signals
  • Recognize flirting opportunities as they crop up
  • Improve your Desirability Index
  • Attract more men than ever!
This fun, interactive workshop will awaken the allure that is every woman’s birth right. You’ll enjoy a frank discussion about how to make the most of your dating efforts and get key tips to avoid the biggest mistakes women make today.
The magic of attraction can be reawakened and learned!
Find out the methods that will work for you and start practicing now before summer hits. Spring and summer are by far the most auspicious months for finding love. Don’t allow yourself to put this off. Now is the moment you can make the changes you need to get what you want.
Make it your priority to become your feminine, flirty best this spring, to find the love you want and deserve.
Saturday, May 3rd  9am – Noon at the Courtyard by Marriott in Wallingofrd, CT
Includes the debut audio program I’m So Alluring, a $29.97 value!
click the links above to register online or call Ronnie at 203-877-3777
Pre-registration is required.

Dating Over 40: When I Use the Law of Attraction, Can I Visualize Colin Firth?

Dear Ronnie,

There’s something that has always stumped me about trying to do visualization and work with the Law of Attraction. I’m supposed to visualize what I want and make lists of the characteristics: i.e. a guy who is happy, self-sufficient, fun to be with, smart, attractive (at least to me), healthy, etc. 

But to do this, do I have to physically picture someone?  I don’t want to picture any of my ex-boyfriends because then I’ll be asking for more of the same.  Nor do I want to picture a movie star (although if we’re putting in an order to God, can I have Colin Firth, please?). 

What do you tell women to do?  Should I see myself with a partner without seeing the actual partner?  How do I handle this?

Looking for love,
Carmen in Michigan


Dear Carmen ,

Hey, I’m into Colin too, but chosing a male image isn’t necessary. You don’t need to visualize – you need to FEEL. That’s the new formula for woking with the Law of Attraction. So, imagine what it feels like to be with the right man – and keep your eyes closed if it helps you pretend.

It’s the emotion that’s supposed to raise your energy to vibrate at the level that will attract what you want.

Turns out you don’t need an image at all. And you don’t even need to go through your list of qualities.

Just determine how you’d feel with the right man. Would you feel cherished, loved, sexy, lucky, complete, blissful, smiling from ear to ear, desired, wanted, satisfied, happy, jumping for joy, ecstatic, etc. You get the idea.  Pick three descriptions of how you feel with the right man for you.

Once that’s done, say the following sentence to yourself and FEEL it!

With the right man, I feel ___________,  ____________, and _____________

Most people who have done this exercise report excellent results. It will take some time. And the amount of time required varies for each person.

Be patient. And have faith that this is working. Of course it’s working, because it’s your destiny to find the right man for you and the love you desire. Why should’nt you have it? Why shouldn’t you find him? There’s no reason on earth that you shouldn’t have what you want.

So work on building your faith and BELIEVE the right man for you is out there AND you will meet him. If you need help believing, check out my New Affirmation CD –  I BELIEVE which can really make a tremendous difference in your MANifesting abilities.

Have fun!

Dating Over 40: I Want a Man Who is Just Like Me

I promised more from Thursday night’s workshop. so the saga continues!

More and more, I find that women in their 30’s and 40’s want to date men who meet very specific criteria. Many women know exactly what they are looking for including energy level, activities and interests, and economic status or promise.

What about you? Do you know who you want to date? Take a moment right now to think about some personality qualities that you must have in a romantic partner. Is he charming, intelligent, affectionate, healthy, active, respectful, enjoys culture – art, theatre and museums, confident and independent? Those might be a few descriptors of whom you are seeking.
I have found a common thread among the vast majority of women who do this exercise with me. And what has been most curious about these descriptions is that often, women are actually describing a mirror image of themselves!
Does that surprise you? And when you think about it, is that what you really want? Would a man who is similar to your own personality really be a good match?
Whatever happened to opposites attract? What about someone with different interests who could broaden your life experience by sharing with you? What if the guy you are seeking is willing to do the activities you like sometimes if you join him in his favorites?
Come on now. Let’s get real about this. If you are looking for a mirror image of yourself, you are going down a narrow path that may just lead you … no where. Expecting a man to be just like you or even like one of your girlfriends is setting an incredibly unrealistic standard. It’s a rare man who is going to be like one of your girlfriends and if he exhibits these qualities, is that a man you really want to be with? Will he have enough masculinity to satisfy your needs in a partner?
I doubt it. The right man will likely never resemble you, or one of your girlfriends for one simple reason. HE IS NOT FEMALE. Duh, he is a MAN. And men are not like our girlfriends (unless they are gay and then they might.)
Some similarities and cross-overs of interests would be great of course. But when you think about the couples you know – do you often see two introverts together or for that matter, two social butterflies? Not usually. One person is usually more reserved and the other is more outgoing. And that is just one example of the differences you might encounter. Some opposition is required to create the magic and spark the interest. That is part of the master plan.
Now it’s true, on the "Real Housewives of New York City," a Bravo network reality show, there is one woman who is best friends with her husband. They always shop together, and in fact do most everything together. In fact, she dragged him along to a girl’s night out with the other millionaire housewives which raised total havoc with the other women. Why? Because it’s not girl’s night out if a man is there!
If you want a man to be a man, about his life choices, his willingness to step up to the plate in a challenging situation, or to ever take the lead so you can take a rest – you’ll need a real man, not a surrogate girlfriend. Or you could end up with a man who has a lot of feminine energy who is looking for a woman who will take charge and care of him. And if that’s what you want, that’s totally find and your choice.
My point is – be in touch with the reality of who you are seeking as a partner. If any of this rings true, take some time this weekend to re-evaluate who you are looking for. What personality characteristics do you really need? What will help you get along and be compatible? What will make things fun, exciting and interesting?
You may be surprised that you will acquire a taste for a few new characteristics that will not only make it easier to find a man, but will help you get along better and avoid previous pitfalls as well.


Dating Over 40: When is it OK to Call a Man?

Last night’s workshop at Pymander Books was fabulous! What  a great group. A few very intersting tid bits came up in discussion that I wanted to share with you this morning.

First off, there were nine women (mostly 40’s and 50’s) and one young guy (Billy) – guessing early 30’s. That made for an interesting mix, especially when we started talking about the cougar thing – younger men/older women…

Anyway, we were gabbing about dating protocol (the third section of my book, MANifesting Mr. Right) and calling. When a guy calls, how often, how much time in between, etc. You get the idea. Well Billy chooses that time to chime in.

Billy: "So, it’s not good to wait too long to call a woman?"

Ronnie: "Not really. Waiting means you aren’t that interested."

Billy:  "Well how quickly shoul dI cal?"

Ronnie: "You don’t want to look to anxious or clingy, so you don’t have to call the same night (after a date) or the next day (although that would be nice.) but certainly with in two days, if you really are interested in her.

The only time this wouldn’t be true, is if your dating agenda is to date casually. Then you can call whenever you want, because you aren’t trying to move into relationship.

However, if the woman doesn’t want a casual relationship, she will probably cut you lose at that point. That’s exactly why, IF YOU DO like a woman and want to see more of her, you shouldn’t wait to call. Women feel you aren’t attentive or  interested when you don’t actively pursue."

Billy: "Oh, I didn’t know."

He didn’t know this? Doesn’t this seem so incredibly basic? I am completely amazed. Another example of the ridiculous amount of confusion there is in dating roles and how the game works. In Billy’s defense, he is a young 30 something. So perhaps being that age, things are less clear. Especially in this day and age of aggressive women.

You know I’m dying to coach Billy. What an impact dating coaching could have on this handsome guy. Whew!

So if this has happened to you and you are saying to yourself,  "See Ronnie, I told you I should have called him!" 

Well, I guess that’s why I always say, if you want to call or email a guy once, who seems to have fallen off the map, go ahead. Just don’t do this repeatedly. One sweet nudge, one friendly hello is perfectly fine. That’s when it’s OK to call a man. But repetitively prompting a fellow who isn’t responsive is just not a good idea.

Now I hear you asking, "Well why not?"

Because, you want a man who is interested enough to pursue you. If you have to do something to get him to call, email or even see you, he isn’t taken with you. And he won’t get invested in winning you over.

Why would you want to be with a man you have to chase? This often turns into a convenient booty call for the man. A woman who is willing to take over the pursuit will do almost anything to win a man over. My bet is, that’s not what you had in mind or a good situation.

When a man takes the initiative to pursue you, he gets emotionally invested in wiining you over, pleasing you, making you happy and usually (not always) building a relationship. So, if you desire a relationship, this is the best strategy to follow. Let him pursue, email, call and ask you out. Then go, smile and enjoy!

I’ll fill you in on more tomorrow.


Dating After Divorce: Serving Up Rejection – The Best Way to End a Brief Relationship

Dear Ronnie,

I have a question about how to break off with a man early in the process. Bill struck up a conversation online through Match.com. He had a nice profile, not bad looking, lots of the things I’m looking for and many things in common. OK, I was excited.  Bill said he’ll call Tuesday night. But he didn’t call. 

The next day, Bill sends me an instant message (IM) at work saying he wanted to be "honest" with me. He admitted that he went to a sporting event and thought it was too late to call when he got home. Ok, I think – nice that he was thinking of me, but he could have either IM’d, emailed, or called to say that we could talk another time.

We chat a bit more via instant messenger and he invites me to dinner for Saturday night and says he’ll call me that night. Guess what? – No cal!.

The next day he emails and I tell him that I’m thinking either he is married, or he is not a man of his word – either way, I’m not interested. He took great offense, defended himself; and insists that I was too rough on him.

My question is – when do you say enough is enough? I felt that if I ignored his second "no show," I’d be sending the message that this is acceptable behavior, which it’s not for me. Of course, now I am doubting myself and my reactions.

Doubtful in Dedham

Dear Doubtful,

From thids dating coach’s perspective, yo udid the right thing. Why continue when there is nothing to continue? He has already shown his true colors and things probably won’t get any better than this. Since you admitted that’s not how you want to be treated (and who would want that?), walking away was the right thing to do.

However,how you let someone know this is a different story. Here’s what I’ve learned about men and women, the brush off, and honesty. We all say we want honesty – but that’s not exactly true. We want honesty so we can build trust, but 100% honesty is probably not the best all-round policy. The degree of honesty depends on what the discussion is. For example, no woman wants the truthful answer to, "Do these pants make my butt look fat?" 

So, when you think aobut it, nobody actually wants to hear why s/he is being rejected. People may say they want to know. But if someone doesn’t think you’re attractive enough – do you want to know that? If someone doesn’t think you are smart enough, have a similar sense of humor, or the right education, have different morals, values or agendas, do you really want to hear that?

To me, the answer is "No, I don’t want to hear it" Frankly, if you’ve haven’t had more than a few dates with the person, I think everyone is better off without an explanation.  Think about it. Is there any reason you’d actually want to hear that would feel good? 

The best way to end a brief encounter is to say as little as possible or perhaps avoid responding entirely. Although that may seem odd or less than honest, it’s often the kindest solution. Men often do the disappearing act because it doesn’t create any confrontration or big emotional scenes.

For the future, here are a few suggestions for delivering a message of rejection. You can say:
1) I’ve met someone else
2) Sorry, but I’ve moved on
3) The chemistry isn’t quite right
4) The chemistry isn’t what I had in mind
These responses are more about you versus your date and aren’t too personal, aren’t that hard to take and can’t really be argued with either. That’s important to limit any possible defensive responses.

I do agree with your situation analysis –if a person can’t follow through on a simple phone call – what can s/he follow through on? You got out at the right time without wasting any. Since he was already "dissing" you and you hadn’t even talked on the phone yet, the likelihood for it to continue downhill was very strong. People are at their best behavior prior to and during the first three dates. My bet is that Bill can’t be honest with himself about his inability to follow through, so of course he took offense.

Sorry Bill didn’t follow through, but there are many more prospects where he came from. Here’s to not having to use these lines too often before you find the love you want!

Dating Over 40: The April “Get Out There” Challenge

Ive got a challenge for you. And it’s big. Not the Pepsi challenge. Oh no. It’s a big one and if you take it on, you will dramatically improve your chance for spring and summer romance 10 fold. No kidding. No April Fool’s joke.

Outside it’s warming up. So that hibernation excuse has limited continued usage. Ready to stop dilly- dallying around? Finding love will take some effort and time. but it can also be a fun adventure! Here’s my Get Out There Challenge for you this month:

1) Pick three new ways to meet prospects this month and make sure you go! That’s not even one event a week, so no whining about too much pressure. Drag a friend or go solo if you have to, but GO. No excuses.

2) Next, try talking to five new people a week. According to Annie Gleason, this month’s Decoding Dating interview expert who is also a dating coach, she has her clients talk to three new people EVERY DAY! I’m only asking you do speak to five people a week, not even one per day.

Stretch a little. When you get used to doing new things and talking to people on a regular basis, it no longer becomes a big deal. You’ll not only feel more comfortable, but you’ll actually get good at it.

Imagine what it would be like to easily flirt, start a conversation, and meet new people. Believe me, that confidence will make you VERY attractive to the opposite s-e-x. Both men and women choose confidence as one of the most desired personality qualities. Your dating karma will change for sure if you simply take on these two challenges.

Take the challenge. Play life large.  Stick your neck out and get good at friendliness. Really, there’s only upside to this commitment. Do it now. Committ yourself to the April Get Out There Challenge and get going to find the love you want and deserve.

Dating Over 40: Should a Woman Bring Up the Topic of Marriage?

Pardon my fury, but I can’t help but get riled up when I read advice like this from another dating professional.

Matt of Matched in Manhattan (Lifetime network show) writes an advice column for a site called SassyBean. In this post, a woman states how in love she is with her boyfriend and that she’d like to bring up marriage. Matt advices strongly against it with the "bite your lip" philosophy of dating. He thinks women should never bring it up because men have a "birth defect" about commitment and they’ll run.

Oh come on!

Let’s get serious – If women didn’t bring up the future, how many would ever get married? I had to bring it up in month seven. We didn’t agree to get engaged until month 13, but what would have happened if I kept my desire to myself?

As one dating coach to another, I’ll cut Matt a little slack because the SassyBean web site appeals to younger women.  True, younger men are  less inclined to commit. On the other hand, some men will never commit regardless of how old they get.

For women 35+, I say BRING IT UP!  You are better served by letting your man know what you want or suffer the consequences of hanging in limbo from now until…

Of course, HOW and WHEN you bring this up is another story. As to the when, maybe not in the first three to six months. No one likes to feel rushed. And, you have to see if your romance has any  longevity before you start thinking about your MRS.

However, I’m a firm believer in bringing this up right at the start when you’re dating online . State your relationship goal right in your profile. Then there’s no confusion about what you are looking for. This is very different than speaking to your man about when the two of you might get hitched.

As to the how, foot stomping, demanding or crying will not help your cause. Find a way to ease into the conversation.  This way he’ll know what’s coming.  What’s so bad about asking, "Do you think about a future together?"  While there are some rare guys who will make a plan, buy a ring and propose without any prompting, my bet is that at least 75% of couples (or more) discuss marriage before the man is ready and before the ring is purchased.

Yes, you don’t want to chase the guy away. Unless he doesn’t want what you want and then you’d be better off knowing so you can make new plans accordingly. At some point, the vast majority of women bring this up.  Maybe Matt gives better advice to guys.

Dating Over 40: Why No Weekend Dates? Catch on to Tell-Tale Signs

Did you ever date a guy who you had a great time with and saw weekly, but for some reason, never on the weekends?

What’s up with that?

I met this guy at a singles dance. Very attractive, kind of macho even.  Sort of a bad boy still at 40. You know the kind of guy. We caught each other’s eyes as I walked to the ladies room. On the way out, he struck up a conversation. Hmmm. Very interesting as I recall.

He asked me to dance. Great dancer. Wow a man who seems sure of himself. We danced a few times. Walked over to the table and talked a while.  He asked for my number, then leaned down to give me a kiss on the cheek. Who is this guy?

Yeah, he called in a couple of days and asked me out to dinner. Friday night came and we had our date. An amusing fellow, I was intrigued, curious, taken in by his European good looks, charm, and accent.

After that night, he called me and we went out several more times. When I was with him, I felt the most alluring I had ever felt in my entire life. We definitely had that steamy chemistry women always talk about, drool over.

Yet, at the same time, I started to feel confused. After our first date, we never saw each other again on a weekend night. Monday, Tuesday, Thursday – sure. Maybe even a Sunday afternoon. But never another Friday or Saturday night. What could this possibly be about? I had no idea.

I started to ask around. Did anyone have an explanation for this strange behavior? Nope, not a one. Not a single girlfriend could figure it out.  So one night I decided to just ask him. "Hey Romeo," I said (OK not his real name, but he was the most romantic man I had ever dated) "How come we never get together on weekend nights?"

I know this will shock you, but he actually answered me. He said, "I have to see my girlfriend sometime." Like the needle being pulled across an old LP record making a deep scratch – that’s how that answer registered with me. I said, "What? What did you say?" Romeo responded with a nonchalant air, "I have a girlfriend for two years now. I see other women, but not on the weekends."

If I hadn’t heard this directly from the horses mouth, would I have believed it?

That was the end of Romeo. But this episode spawned an eye-opening look into "Men’s World" and how some men, not all by any means, think. If you’re dating a guy who doesn’t have time of the weekends for you, TRUST ME, something is not right. Be brave and ask him about it to see what kind of answer he provides.

He may change the subject, skirt the issue, have a standard answer or make something up. Regardless of the words that come out of his mouth, if he’s uncomfortable delivering the answer – you know something is not right. Watch body language and especially eye contact. Did he look right at you when he answered? Did he turn away? You know the signs of a liar – so pay attention to details of his response.

If you’re in casual dating mode and don’t mind sharing the guy, then no big deal. But if you’re hoping to move toward a long-term relationship, Mr. No-Weekends is probably not your man.