Tag Archives: dating over 40

When to Start Dating After Divorce

Dating After Divorce

Start Dating After Divorce

Dating After Divorce Advice

Are you ready to start dating after divorce?  The first thing that can help you decide is to determine how open you are.

  • Is your heart open and free to love another?
  • Are you open to meeting new men and finding one who is right for you?
  • Do you appreciate men and what they have to offer?

If you have answered these questions with a “Yes” congratulations! You are ready to get out there, meet, mingle and have fun. That’s a great place to be. With a positive outlook on your chances of finding love, your magnetic pull is likely strong and vibrant.

Many of my dating coaching clients did not take the time to ask themselves these questions before embarking on the dating journey. Truth is, you can start any time. However, your results are directly correlated with your attitude. They are a reflection of your openness. Dating works best once you get yourself into a positive, open place.

If you still feel resentment and anger about your ex…
If you still love your ex…
If you are unsure about your own lovability…

Then you might need to do a bit more healing in order to connect with quality men.

Please don’t feel bad about this. Where you are is perfect. Taking the time to heal, build confidence, and create a healthy positive self-image to ensure your success is very smart dating strategy. You’ll have far more enjoyable experiences when you are in a good space.

Start Dating After Divorce with an Open Mind and Heart

Once you take care of your own needs, then you are ready to starting dating again! Please don’t look for a man to solve all your problems. That will not likely bring you the healthy, lasting love you seek. How many women do you know who try this method to feel better about themselves? Have you seen it work? Have you tried covering up your pain with a new love?  Not the best idea.

Here are three things you can do to build inner strength, reclaim your power as a woman, and get ready to start dating after divorce:

1. Focus on self care.
This can include pampering, energetic healing work, therapy, read self help books, get back into shape with a trainer or exercise on your own, have a make-over, work with an image consultant. etc. You don’t have to do all of these things – choose the ones that will make the biggest impact for you.

2. Notice your inner chatter about men.
Do you criticize every man you see walking down the road? Or do you notice anything good about the guys you pass by? If you have an active inner critic of men, follow up by working to notice something good about the men too. This might take some practice, but its a very worthwhile effort because it changes you mindset dramatically, opening you to the idea that many men have good qualities.

3. Take the Pressure off.
Right out of the gate, just take the pressure off yourself. Instead of hoping to meet Mr. Wonderful immediately, why not just meet new people? Get used to being friendly and social. Build your mingling skills. Be open to simply enjoying the people you meet and having fun!

This is so important because when you pressure yourself to meet the right man right away, you may be missing out on the good guys. Many prospects who aren’t the players or have the smooth talking charm, can easily get overlooked, but will probably be much better matches.

Give these suggestions a try and watch how your dating life improves. Feel good about yourself, know good men are out there and start connecting with the quality guys you deserve.

Wishing you love,
Ronnie

p.s. If you’re not ready to start dating after divorce, don’t worry. The more gentle you are with yourself, the more easily this will turn around.

 

Photo Credit: Lee and Chatelle McArthur

 

Dating After 40: Everything You Need to Know in One Interview

Are you dating after 40 or dating after divorce and feel confused or skittish?

My friend Randye Kaye (former DJ on Star 99.9) interviewed me on her new radio program The Life Talk Show. We had a blast! She, Diana and Nicki chatted with me about dating in midlfe, common mistakes people make, ways to meet singles and my best tips to help you find the love you dream of.

If you wish you could just get me to tell you my top dating after 40 tips, this is it!

Discover:

  • Where are the single men over 40
  • What gets in the way of dating after 40
  • What is the best thing you can do to open up to midlife love
  • How to make the most of online dating
  • Why you can’t take the DNA out of dating
  • Why dating is really data gathering
  • and so much more!

I love this tidbit of wisdom Randye shared, “There’s a Lesson in Every Frog” meaning that even the worst dating experience has something you can learn from.

The best part is we laughed and had fun with this topic. Sometimes people are so very serious about dating after 40 or dating after divorce. We shared ideas on how to lighten up the experience so you can have more fun with it. Wouldn’t’ that be nice if dating could be fun vs. misery, confusion, frustration and drudgery?

Listen  here and get my top expert advice for dating after 40 all in one show.

Dating After 40: The Man I Date Must Be Spiritual

dating after 40, find love, meet men, spiritual man
Are You Dating After 40 and Seeking a Long-Term Partner?

Are you dating after 40 and wanting a spiritual man? That’s certainly your choice. But is it a real deal breaker? What’s really important to you?

He has to be spiritual

As a woman dating after 40, you have some clear ideas about who the right man for you. With some life experience behind you, you certainly  know what you don’t want.

What’s on your list for the ideal man?

As a dating coach for women dating after 40 , I am a fan of making a list of what you want in your ideal mate. Why not put everything down on paper? This process sends a message to the Universe and helps attract that guy to you. However, remembering that you are simply describing your ideal man – it’s so important to be realistic as well. Yes, ask for whatever you want by all means. I’m not here to tell you want you can and cannot have.

And yet, I am here to be a voice of reason. While there is nothing wrong with wanting every item on your list or a spiritual man,  understanding that you might not get every single thing is smart too. Hopefully you will get the majority of qualities you seek in a romantic partner.

Prioritize your “must haves”

So, when my dating coaching clients tell me they are very spiritual (not religious) and they MUST be with a man who lives by the same principles, I’m going to admit that I wince a little. I do. The reason is because some personality requirements are more prevalent and easier to find than others. Connecting with an honest man you can trust, who has a kind heart – ABSOLUTELY. Finding a man who shares your same religious views, that’s reasonable too.

Unfortunately, finding a man with those Universal spiritual principles is a much bigger request. Women are into this stuff – the Law of Attraction, healing and energetic way of seeing the world. This is vastly more popular among women. After all, this philosophy stem from the divine feminine.  As a result, the number of men who embrace this type of spirituality is very slim.

Does that mean you cannot have what you want? No, not really. But it sure does dramatically limit your pool of applicants.

Men have their own style of spirituality

Over the years, I have noticed that men dating after 40 often have their own unique connection to the divine, if you are open to seeing it. For example, while my husband read a few books on astrology in his younger days, he doesn’t subscribe totally to my spiritual philosophy.

Yet, Paul is very attuned to the animal and plant kingdoms. He feeds the birds conscientiously. He will point out an owl hooting in the dead of night that I never would have heard on my own. He sees animals all around as we walk through the woods that would get past my attention for sure.

For me, I wanted to find a man who would accept my spiritual principles. I figured that was enough. I could still share my viewpoint and philosophy with my girlfriends as I always have. These women are open to spirituality. But not all my girlfriends. Do you drop your girlfriends who don’t hold your same spiritual beliefs? Not likely – I hope.

Hey, if this is paramount to your happiness, than by all means wait for that spiritual guy. I have a friend who married after 50 for the first time, waiting until she found a man who shared the same guru. That’s OK by me – it was her choice and it’s your as well.

But, if you are dating after 40 want to find love sooner rather than later, let go a bit on how your man MUST BE SPIRITUAL and into your healing work and self help books, etc.  That can still be a big part of your life AND you can enjoy the love of a good man too – all at the very same time. Life offers amazing possibilities when you can open up to them.

Dating at 50: She’s Getting Married in Three Weeks!

 

Dating at 50: Wedding Bells for One of My Dating Coaching Clients

Dating at 50 – She’s Getting Married!

I just got this exciting email from one of my clients. I haven’t heard from Brenda in a while and this must be the reason! She’s getting married in just three weeks. You can read her note to me yourself

“Hi Ronnie:

My fiance and I are marrying in three weeks. I met him online about 1 year and  four months ago. Although I dated others and him for the first month or so, he soon asked me to be exclusive and the rest is history.

Thanks for all of the work you do with all of us who want to find lasting love! I am 55, with two special needs son, so I am proof that your tips work!

With love, Brenda from CA”

I worked with Brenda after her divorce on many areas of dating including:

  • Building confidence
  • Understanding men
  • Dating mechanics and how things work today
  • Where to meet men
  • Online dating and her profile
  • Emailing men
  • First dates
  • How to deal with rejection

We covered it all and it clearly worked! Brenda applied my proven methods while dating at 50and found the love she wanted.

You know what the best part about this news is – Brenda is just like you. That means you can find love too if you give it some attention and discover what works best today.

I am here for you. If you are dating at 50 or any age…if this is your time and love is your destiny, don’t hesitate another moment. Contact me and let’s get you on the road the happily ever after.

Wishing you love,

Ronnie

Dating Over 40: Brain Science Shows that Complaining is Bad for You

Complaining about men (or listening to man bashing) is destructive to your love life when you are dating over 40 or any time!

Your brain is affected by negativity and complaining

I often write about how man bashing is for your love life if you are dating over 40. Talking poorly about men as a group brings down your energy and doesn’t help you remain open and positive about meeting men or finding the right one for you. You can’t seriously look for love and hate men at the same time. Those two very different types of thoughts cannot occupy the same space in your brain. And now there is scientific proof that this is, in fact, true!

In an article from Inc.com titled, “Listening to Complainers Is Bad for Your Brain” the writer, Minda Zetlin, states how exposure to nonstop negativity actually inhibits brain function. So, talking trash about men is not only bad to do, but bad to listen to as well. The article is about a new book by Trevor Blake who is a serial entrepreneur and author of Three Simple Steps: A Map to Success in Business and Life. According to Trevor, neuroscientists can measure brain activity resulting from various stimuli, including a lengthy complaining conversation.

Here’s a couple of quotes from Blake that Minda included in her article:

“The brain works more like a muscle than we thought,” Blake says. “So if you’re pinned in a corner for too long listening to someone being negative, you’re more likely to behave that way as well.”

Not only that, but being exposed to too much negativity can actually decrease your brain power. Exposure to 30-minutes or more of negativity, from a friend or the TV, will “peel away neurons in the brain’s hippocampus which is … the part of your brain you need for problem solving,” Blake says. “Basically, [complaining and negativity] turns your brain to mush.”

Now,  Blake points out that you CAN share when travesties occur, but points out the difference between talking about something that’s going wrong and complaining. Most complainers, he says, don’t actually want to do anything about a situation. They simply want to complain. So if you are sharing what happened to find a solution – completely different story.

Thankfully Minda explains Trevor’s suggestions for defending yourself. And I’ll add a couple of my own as well.

1.Remove yourself from the presence of the complainer.  In other words, excuse yourself as soon as you can and walk away or get off the phone. Find a way to limit the amount of time you listen to complaining.

2. Suggest or request  a solution. Since most complainers don’t want to fix anything, just complain, Blake suggests asking them what they plan to do about the situation. That might end the conversation right there.

3. Put up an imaginary shield. Blake sited several case-studies of people who imagine putting up an invisible shield to deal with negativity. For example, athletes have to perform while hearing heckling. Some say “shields up” to themselves while others visualize a glass dome lowering down over themselves for protection. This really works!

4. Zip up. I have a friend who is an energetic healer who suggests you imagine you pull up an imaginary zipper starting at your feet and going up over your head, locking out unwanted energy, especially negativity and complaining! I’ve used this trick countless times and it helps me feel so much better.

5. Don’t spend too much time complaining and retelling your story. You have to vent – yes, I agree. But how many times to you need to tell the story an do you need to repeat it to everyone you know? I think not. Limit your own complaining about things that make you mad, the wrongs done to you and your down trodden experiences about men and dating. (And everything else as much as possible).

All of this should free up a lot of time don’t you think?

If you’re dating over 40 and no longer listening to complaints or complaining yourself – now what? Well, the Law of Attraction states that “Like attracts like”. So, start thinking about what you do want to have happen. Think about fun things to come, make plans or recall pleasant memories. doing so is a great way to attract even more of what you do want since your energy will be vibrating at that frequency. And that is one of the biggest keys to manifesting.

Whether you are dating over 40 and want to MANifest Mr. Right or money or good health or more friends, thinking good thoughts and limiting exposure to negativity is a surefire method to create it.

 

Photo Credit: Raleigh LeBlanc

Dating Over 40? Catch Olympic Fever to Meet Single Men!

Is there a gold medal for dating over 40?

As you know, right now the Olympics are hot. Everyone is buzzing about the games . It’s not only exciting, it’s a great opportunity for to meet single men!

Don’t like sports? Come on now, this isn’t football. We’re talking about America’s darlings, the athletes that have been training for years for these few special moments to shine for our country. If you even start to watch, its pretty hard to resist the excitement.

So how can catching Olympic fever help you meet single men?

Go where the men are – watching the Olympics! Visit a neighborhood pub or even a sports bar and get in on the action. Grab a girlfriend (dating buddy) or go alone and join the fun. Any place with a big screen TV will do really. Check out the schedule to choose the nights when the events you are most interested in.

Plan on Setting World Records for Friendliness

Stretch yourself. Be brave and get out of your comfort zone to talk to the men watching the events. Think of yourself as a “Dating Olympian” who is going for the gold of conversation and meeting new met. Plan on setting world records for friendliness.

The games will make it easy to talk to new people and enter a conversation already in progress. Simply comment on the athletes and what you just saw.Ask men who they are rooting for.  It will feel natural if you catch Olympic fever and participate enthusiastically.

Men get charged up by the excitement of sports and celebrate the winners like they are there with them. Jumping on this band wagon will make it easy to be a part of the crowd. Camaraderie unfolds from sharing the experience. Get in there and relish the joy of having a winning team.

Dress Your Feminine Best

Of course, I recommend dressing your feminine best. Make sure you are wearing something you feel fabulous in. You want to be dressed appropriately for the venue, but with that extra attention to detail that heightens your appeal. Try high heels or strappy sandals, sexy belts if you’ve got a nice waist line, a sleeveless shirt if you’ve got buff arms. You get the picture.

You’ve only got about a week to leverage his outstanding opportunity to  meet single men. If you are dating over 40 or dating after divorce, its so important to take advantage of every chance you get and this is a good one. So get in there and go for the gold! And congratulations to all our Olympic medal winners!

 

Photo credit: Corinna A. Carlson

 

 

 

How Many Single Men Have You Met This Summer?

Meet More Men This Summer!

Do you know the simplest way to meet more single men?

I’m going to share my #1 strategy that is a proven way to meet guys. Not only that, it’s free, it’s available to you almost any where you live and you can start right now.

I started a new teleclass program on May 21st called “Operation Find Him Now”. The idea behind this course is to help women make the most of the summer months to meet as many men as possible. Obviously, I cover a lot of material in the 6 sessions. But the main point is to encourage these single women who are dating over 40 to get out of their comfort zone and take a social risk. A small one really. To simply notice the men around them and risk smiling and talking to them. All men, not just single men because you can’t always tell right? In other words,

Smile and Be Friendly to Men


Results for these women have been life changing. No kidding.

Trish
One widow of 51, told me this has been so life changing that she’s completely amazed. Her awareness of men has drastically shifted so she notices men around her where before she never did. Trish is literally enjoying her new awareness and the men she smiles at every day.

Beth
Divorced and 47, Beth is in sales so has no problem talking to new people. But somehow this didn’t translate into dates for her. Since she’s been in the program this summer, Beth has had more dates than she’s had all year. Why? She uses her feminine charm to engage with men, and makes it easy to approach her. Now Beth sees how simple this can be.

Susie
At 55, Susie had what I call a “narrowed sense of vision” regarding men. She believed there weren’t any men in her world until this program. At the beach one night, Susie decided to go for a swim. There was a guy near her who had just come out of the water, so they chatted about the ocean temperature and he offered to lend her his goggles so she could go for a real swim. Let me just say this had Susie smiling from ear to ear. She has become very optimistic and is having a ball interacting with men. I guarantee you that this change will get her plenty of dates.

Kelly
Kelly went on vacation and stopped counting after she met 12 men. She told fun stories about talking to men on the ferry ride, at the seafood hut, on the beach and golf course and out for drinks. Kelly is in her 60’s proving that age does not need to interfere with your results. It’s a mindset! She is certainly one of my stars who is making the most of the warm weather to meet as many men as possible.

What about you?

Are you meeting enough men this summer? Do you give yourself permission to smile at and talk to handsome strangers? There’s a perfect quote about this by the Nobel Prize winning poet William Butler Yeats that can help you:

“There are no strangers, only friends you haven’t met yet.”

There’s still a full month left to summer. What are you going to do to meet men? Will you:

  • Set an intention to notice that men are literally everywhere?
  • Give yourself permission to smile at them and talk to them?
  • Push yourself out of your comfort zone to find more opportunities to interact with men?
  • Attend some singles’ events so you can be sure to meet single men too?
  • Dress to enhance your desirability?
  • Put on lipstick before you leave the house?
  • Become a friendly woman instead of an isolated woman?

Did I hear you say “Yes”? That’s such good news for me, and most of all for you and your love life.

 

Photo Credit: Owlpacino

Online Dating: 7 Ways Your Profile Sabotages Your Success

How your online dating profile scares men away

Online Dating: Does your profile scare men away?

I know dating is not easy. And online dating causes a lot of stress for many women dating over 40 (or any age). You might think finding love online should be a natural process that’s easy and quick. It should be obvious how it works Unfortunately, none of this is true.

That’s why I know you are doing things that make it harder.  I want to help you understand how online dating works so you can start attracting more men.

1. Don’t criticize men. It doesn’t matter what your past experience have been, do not disparage men. Men are actually quite sensitive to criticism. So when you berate certain  guys, most men reading your profile will imagine you as a critical woman who is difficult to please.

2. Don’t try to prevent specific types of men from contacting you. It may seem smart to explain who you aren’t interested in dating like couch potatoes, players, men who aren’t geographically desirable or those who wink. Going back to point #1 – men will just see this as critical even if they don’t fit the description. When the wrong men email you, just delete them.

3. Don’t talk about what you don’t want. This is a negative approach and will keep you from appearing light-hearted and positive. When you focus on what you want to avoid, you often end up getting more of it. If you ever read The Secret, or saw the movie, that’s how the Law of Attraction works. Focus on what you do want for a better chance of getting it!

4. Don’t include everything you expect a man to do for you. This makes you sound demanding which is not attractive. Men like women who are easy to please. Yes, you want to be treated well and you can mention a couple of things. But  avoid a big laundry list or you’ll be out of luck.

5. Don’t act like you need a man to save you. Just like you, men are attracted to confident, happy people. If your life is empty of joy, take steps to enrich it. Find activities you enjoy, try new things and meet new girlfriends. Expecting a man to fill your life is a recipe for disaster. No one person can do everything for you. Men know this and will steer clear of you.

6. Don’t talk about your independence. Men want to feel needed the same way you do. You may think you are doing a good thing to let men know you are self-sufficient. But that could work against you. Women who are staunchly independent send a strong message that they don’t NEED a man. Of course you don’t, but why stress that point? Its not attractive and makes you look like you prefer to be alone.

7. Don’t say you’re super busy. I can’t tell you how many men complain about this one! If you are too busy to email, to talk on the phone, to get together, you are too busy to date him! If you want a long-term romantic partner , please make yourself available and make dating a priority in your life. I’m not kidding – this is huge. Men are turned off by Ms. Busy-All-the-Time

Online dating is bigger than ever with more than 40 million people online in the US alone. Put these profile writing tips to work for you so you can meet more men and find the right one for you.

 

 

Dating After Divorce: The Downside of Man Bashing

Hang up your gloves and stop the man bashing to find love

Do you think all single men are the same?

Being a dating coach for 10 years now, I have noticed a trend which frankly troubles me.  Many women who are dating after divorce don’t respect men. They don’t value, like or appreciate men. You can tell by how they speak about men – both the new men they meet and the ones from the past.

Now its understandable. Divorce is very hard and these women have been hurt, disappointed, cheated on, controlled, and/or lied to, etc. As a result, they expect men to not be good people. I’m going to blame TV, movies and the media too – just think of Lifetime TV.

Yet, and this is very important, these same women dating after divorce want to find a loving man as a romantic partner. Now, I can tell you this is a problem of tremendous proportions for so many reasons.

1. If you don’t like, respect, or appreciate men, why do you want one in your life? This creates an unresolved conflict within your mind.

2. If you generalize that all men stink, you lump the good with the bad and limit your opportunities.

3.If you bash men as a source of entertainment with girlfriends, you reinforce that there are no good men. This belief gets into your subconscious mind and influences your experiences.

4. Your belief that there are no good men becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

When Dating After Divorce, Man Bashing Prevents You from Finding Love

You see, its the human condition to want to be right. So, when you believe all men stink, you look for evidence to support this, so you can be right. You point it out to a friend after a first date saying, “The guy was a jerk just like all the other guys.” Does that sound familiar? You have just made your point again – there are no good single men.

So I ask you, do you think this belief is serving your quest to find a decent man to love. Nope! But it sure will perpetuate you experience that all men are unworthy and can’t be trusted.

But, can this really be true of ALL MEN? Do all men deserve this treatment? If you are at all interested in truth, you cannot honestly believe all men are bad. Some, but not ALL.

Man Bashing Is a Bad Habit

If you deeply desire love, this bad habit of man bashing requires transformation. A few men may hurt you. But NOT EVERY MAN.  There are good men out there. Your belief that this is true will help you find the good ones. But without this belief, you are lost.

How can you turn this thinking around?  Consider the men you do like – your brothers, uncles, nephews, fathers’ grandfathers, sons, friends’ husbands, colleagues, neighbors,  There have got to be a few good ones. What do you admire and appreciate about these men as human beings?

When you change this habit to speak well of men, you demonstrate to the Universe that you respect men. This gives you an advantage over other women, because so many women have lost their respect for men.

So please stop the man bashing. Look for the good in men and  you will find it. Notice what they do that is caring, sweet, loving and desirable. This is how you create positive feelings about men. You will be more open and far more attractive energetically to the good men out there. If you are serious about finding love, and are guilty of man bashing, take this giant step towards love today.

 

Photo Credit: snow0810

Top 10 Reasons Why Online Dating Is Your Next Step to Find Love

Too Timid to Try Online Dating? Here Are 10 Big Reasons to Get Over it Now!

1. Over 40 million people are online in the US.Online dating tips

That’s a boat load of single people! And I can’t help but know that somewhere in all those millions, there’s a good match for you. Really, just let the sheer volume sink into your noggin. Dating is a numbers game and this is how you can hit the lottery of love.

2.Online dating is totally mainstream today.

Every where you turn, you can read about online dating. It’s in the Wall Street Journal, Time Magazine, USA Today, The Huffington Post, and the big TV networks. It’s so prevalent in our society scientists are studying and reporting on it. That means its not just for lonely hearts and desperate people but for anyone looking for love.

3. It doesn’t cost an arm and a leg.

Match.com is about $120 for six months. What else can you do for that price? Not much. Stay away from sites that don’t let you browse first before paying. You might have to fill out a profile to browse, but usually you won’t have to pay. When you want to start meeting people, then you’ll have to pay.

4. You can get started really fast.

Write your profile, post a few pictures and usually within 24 hours you’ll be approved and ready to go. Wahoo – it doesn’t need to take a lot of time unless you are a perfectionist abut your profile. My advice – post something now and fix it later.

5. Men over 40, and especially over 50 are online!

Women dating over 40 complain they can’t find single men. But I know where they are – online! The older men get, the more they are online. In fact, 50+ is the fastest growing segment. Men over 50 tend to be less social and they enjoy the “privacy” of being online.

6. Statistically, 20% of all relationships and 12% of marriages now start online.

If you get online now, you can join the millions of happy couples who already found each other this way. Wouldn’t you like to be a part of the success story? I know a Justice of the Peace who told me so many of her clients met online that she had to try it herself!

7. It’s an adventure!

If your life has become steady as she goes, with very little new happening, then online dating will shake things up! Break free from your inhibitions which are limiting your chances of finding love and get started right now.

8. There are no more scammers or crazy people online then any where else.

Online dating is so commonplace that the chances of you meeting “bad men” are no better there than at a bar or a friend’s party. Seriously, this is true. Are there unsavory types online? Yes, a few. But the vast majority are regular people like you looking for love or companionship.

9. What else are you doing to find love?

The more women I coach, the more who tell me they deeply desire love. Yet, they do absolutely nothing to meet men! You can meet a man for coffee, a milkshake, a glass of wine or a beer at a cafe or  bookstore in just a couple of days if you get started right now. Stop dragging your feet woman and do something!

10. Dating experts are ready to help you find love online – like me!

I can help you write an online profile, provide feedback on what you’ve already done, explain what to expect, etc. I’ll coach you through the process OR you can try my new home study course How to Sizzle vs. Fizzle Online. Everything you need to know is in there to write a profile that will get you noticed,  take the best photos, flirt in your emails, what to look for and watch out for as well.  Get your Home Study Kit now and get online this weekend!

Wishing you love,

Ronnie

 

He Flirts with Me, So Why Doesn’t He Ask Me Out?

Why doesn't he ask me out

Why doesn’t he ask me out

If you are wondering why, “He flirts with me but doesn’t ask me out?” read on to finally learn what that is really about.

Has this happened to you?

There’s a guy at work, church, or in your social circle. When you see him, he seems to light up. He seems very interested in what’s going on with you and catching up. He may flirt with his eyes, or verbally, or even touch you lightly. For some women, the man has actually taken things as far as kissing you once or twice.

Every time you see him, you experience the intense excitement of attraction. You feel prettier after talking with him. Your heart might be going pitter-patter. Its such a great feeling, exhilarating really. He must feel it too! How could you be the only one feeling this? There’s absolutely no way he doesn’t feel this same electricity. The same attraction. The same excitement.

But, and this is a huge but, you still don’t know –

Why Doesn’t He Ask Me Out?

Your relationship is stuck at flirting. And it drives you completely crazy. You simply cannot stop thinking about him.

Every time you run into him (which might be daily, once a week at church, or occasionally in your social circle), afterwards you spend days going over every detail of your interaction. What he said. His smile. The way he looked at you. How he lightly touched you on the arm or shoulder and the sensations that coursed through your body as a result.

Which leads you to wonder, “Why doesn’t ask me out?” This question creates a certain degree of frustration because you do not understand!  He’s ending mixed signals. How can this be? Why doesn’t he take it to the next obvious step?

I have had several dating coaching clients tell me about these interactions at church, the gym and at work. Other people have asked you about the situation, thinking you must be seeing each other. They’ve noticed how things are between you. How can they see it, but he doesn’t do one thing about it?

3 Reasons Why He’s Not Asking You Out:

1. Oh yeah, he’s attracted to you.  However, he is actually involved with someone else. And for whatever reason he doesn’t want to mention that because he enjoys flirting with you. It makes him feel good too. It’s really fun and good for his ego. Attraction isn’t enough when it comes to finding a compatible partner.

2. He isn’t ready or looking for a relationship. But flirting with you gives him his “feminine fix” and then he’s on his merry way. He definitely benefits from flirting with you. It makes him feel alive and wanted. He loves the attention you give him.  Yet, he has no intention of ever taking this one step further and he’s probably not emotionally available.

3. Something is keeping him from being active romantically. It could be financial trouble, health issues, emotional baggage, a horrible divorce, or any number of other concerns. It doesn’t really matter though because he’s not moving forward any time soon. A man who doesn’t have his life together has little room for love.

Why is this so confusing and agitating for you? Here’s the answer in a nutshell –

You mistake his flirtations and interactions as being in some sort of relationship.

A relationship with potential or promise. That’s a huge perception problem for you. The truth is, THIS IS NOT A RELATIONSHIP! And sadly, 99.9% of the time, it never will be. This is a clear cut case of a man sending you mixed signals – he’s attracted and pays attention to you, but he’s unwilling to take things any further.

Does this mean flirting with this man is a waste of time? Not necessarily. There are some benefits as long as you are clear this is going no where. Flirting like this:

  • Builds your flirting and conversation skills
  • Improves your confidence and self-esteem
  • Makes you feel more attractive and desirable
  • Allows other men to see how great you are in action
  • Can be a great love life launching pad, if you allow yourself to not get lost in it

This is the biggest problem with Mr. Flirtypants:

He Is Not Mr. Right. If He Were Mr. Right, He’d Be Asking You Out.

He has some major flaw that keeps him from entering a relationship with you. Please don’t forget that essential piece of the puzzle to remind yourself he’s not the one. The right man would never leave you asking, “Why doesn’t he ask me out?” He’d ask you out and spend time with you!

If you find yourself in this situation, evaluate how long this has been going on and if there is any reason to believe, in reality, if he’ll ever ask you out. Remember, 99.9% of the time, nothing will ever happen and these are dead end situations that disappoint you and take you away from your mission – finding love.

PS – Get help with understanding men in my free book His Mixed Signals Are So ConfusingSave

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I Want to Spend More Time Together, But He’s Too Busy to See Me

He's Too Busy to See Me

Dear Ronnie – The Dating Coach,

“I’m in my late 40s and have been dating Norman for two years. He’s been married before as I have and we both have grown up families who live in our respective towns. Norman has been single for a long time, and although he’s lived with a few women since his divorce, it’s never been full time. He’s always had his own place.

We live 100 miles apart, and most of the time we’ve been together he’s been out of work and had very little money. So I traveled to see him every weekend and we got along really well. He treated me wonderfully during that time, and he always said that he missed me and was very happy to see me. I only went up for weekends though as I didn’t want to appear to make it too easy for him. He always says he loves me, and he calls every day to talk.

However Norman led me to believe that when he started working again, we would spend more time together. He said that he wanted to see more of me and for our relationship to progress. However, now he’s back at work and it doesn’t appear to be happening, although it’s only been a month. His work is halfway between my place and his, but so far he’s choosing to go back to his place in after work and only visiting one day of the weekend. He’s too busy to see me.

What’s driving me crazy is how Norman tells me he’s definitely coming down during the week, which changes to probably, then  – ‘Sorry I have to go into work!’ I know that he’s busy and they often expect him to do last minute shifts, but I’m still feeling angry and let down by his behavior.

I know that Norman likes to see his family and friends and I have never moaned about him not coming down or put any pressure on him in any way. I keep myself busy usually, but this on/off thing is getting to me. In my mind if he wanted to be with me he would. But, a little part of me is worried that I am expecting too much too soon. I don’t know what to do. I’m beginning to feel used and it’s not a feeling I like!”

–Left Alone in London

Dear Left Alone,

This can be one of the toughest challenges for a woman dating over 40 (or any time), when her man says one thing and does another.  But let’s look at this situation closely to see if we can unravel things and read between the lines.

  1. He’s been single a long time
  2. He hasn’t lived with a woman full-time since his marriage
  3. He had the excuse that he wasn’t working
  4. He now has the excuse that he IS working
  5. He is keeping you separate, not inviting you to spend time with his friends/family
  6. He doesn’t want to see you both weekend nights

Unfortunately the message is clear to this dating coach – he doesn’t want to see you often. Norman is giving you crumbs. The problem is, we don’t know why.

Here’s the cold truth, we really don’t need to know why. What matters  most is that this is not what you want in a relationship. You are right! After two years, if Norman truly wanted a closer relationship, you’d be having one. His words and actions do not match up and in fact, according to what you have written, he is seeing you even less than before.

Some possible reasons maybe (but these are guesses):

  • He doesn’t have the same agenda or needs regarding relationship and closeness as you do.
  • He doesn’t ever want a woman to cramp his style again.
  • He is seeing other women…

 
He may love you , but that doesn’t mean he wants what you want. You may never be happy or satisfied with the level of intimacy he is willing to share.

But YOU ARE NOT ASKING TOO MUCH to want to see him on a regular basis and with greater frequency! In a relationship that is healthy, loving, and progressing, both people want that.

Norman seems to be heading in the opposite direction.

As a dating coach for women dating over 40, my advice is to have a conversation with him. Find a way to stay calm. Prepare what you are going to say in advance and practice it if that helps. Your emotional balance is key.

Then say something like this:

“Norman, you know how I feel about you. But as things stand right now, I am not happy. What works for me in a relationship is to see each other regularly and spend the weekends together as well. I understand you want to see friends and family, but it’s time that we can do some of that together.”

Then stop talking. Allow the uncomfortable silence so that he will say something. This will be the start of a crucial conversation. He may be defensive and throw you a lot of excuses. But if he wants to keep seeing you, he will want to alleviate some of your unhappiness. Not just in words, but in actions. In spending more time with you!

If he says all the right things, then be specific with what you want him to do. “I want to see you one night during the week and both weekend nights” – or whatever it is you want. Tell him you want him to stay at your house one night during the week – if that’s something you want. Don’t make your list too long and stick to this subject matter only. Don’t bring up other possible issues during this conversation.

Give Norman two weeks to show you he can step up. If in that time, he continues to say nice things, but not follow through – you have your answer. He unfortunately, regardless of his reasons, is not the right man for you.

This is a step towards an honest, open relationship which may not be what he wants. However, it seems that it is what you want. I just want you to be forewarned that my advice could shake things up, so be clear on that before taking this next step.

It might be difficult, but wouldn’t you rather know than spend more time hoping things will turn around?

While you have invested two years in this relationship, I want you to know there are men out there who will want to spend time with you. Men who are looking for the same type of relationship that you are.

I wish you all the best, and of course I hope Norman turns around. But he might not and that is the risk you take. A risk to find the loving, healthy, reciprocal relationship that you desire and deserve. Maybe with him, or maybe with a new and better man for you.

 

Wishing you love,

Ronnie

 

Photo Credit: ToniVC

Dating Red Flags and Phone Relationships: Should I Take it to the Next Level?

Pay Attention to Dating Red Flags

Dear Ronnie,

“I am  43, never been married and am currently talking to a guy (long distance) that I’ve known for about 3 years now. We met in grad school in 2008 and did not reconnect until March 2009 via phone. We’ve been talking ever since. He is now divorced and told me that he has very strong feelings for me and would like to have a relationship.

At the time he expressed this to me, I did not have the same feelings for him and only felt friendship which I told him in a very careful manner. I was concerned about his feelings. More recently, I started to have feelings for him and wanted to give romance a try.

Here’s my concern – he withdraws for months at a time when he is going through problems and shuts me out. This makes me feel rejected. So I don’t know if I should even consider going forward with him? Please let me know what you think I should do.”

Thank you,
Uncertain in Dallas

 

Dear Uncertain,

When a man disappears, that is a big red flag! Luckily, you recognize this. Your friend may have problems with depression. He might have issues with intimacy. Or both.

This is a true cause for concern whether you are dating over 40 or at any age. If you are going to be in a relationship, you can’t maintain intimacy if he is going to withdraw. While he may just be taking care of himself, it does cause a feeling of rejection – of course. That’s only natural.

One thing I have noticed is that sometimes people (men and women) start these phone relationships for exactly this reason – they can control the intimacy, how much there is and when they want it.     

Consistency and communication are two big keys for a loving and healthy relationship. While he may need a lot of space or want to work things out solo, shutting you out when in a relationship does not bode well. Even though you were friends while he
was doing this and not lovers, I think it is still a sign of serious trouble.

If he did this while you were in a relationship, how could you connect, discuss what is happening or co-exist in a living space? He is showing you that he is not capable of being a full partner. Things will come up in any life or relationship. If every time you hit a bump in the road, your man disappears, that will be more than painful. It borders on emotional abuse, even if he doesn’t mean anything by it. His lack of ability to cope will make it impossible for you to stay connected, feel loved or safe.

While it might seem at 43 that you don’t have many options left, there really are good men out there. Men  who want a relationship and have a capability to be in one. I’m sorry to say, I do not think your phone guy has the emotional intelligence or availability that you would need for  a successful, healthy long-term relationship.

As your dating coach, I highly recommend looking around for better men who knows how to stay connected and communicates no matter what the circumstances are.  You deserve more than a partial relationship.          

 

Photo Credit: RVW

How “Adopting Dater’s Mind” Helps You Find Love Faster

Find Love Faster with a Mind that’s a “Clean Slate”

Adopt Dater's Mind to Find Love Faster

Do you know anything about Zen meditation? I studied Zen for a while in the early 90’s. They talk about “adopting beginner’s mind” which means to be open, to keep a clean slate, to look at everything with new eyes. That’s why in my book MANifesting Mr. Right, I borrowed this concept for the first section which I titled “Adopting Dater’s Mind”.

What is Dater’s Mind?
When you have dater’s mind, first and foremost, you are someone who actually dates. I have found sadly that the majority of my clients want to date, but don’t actually go out often. When you are a woman who dates, you are in a different mindset than when you are someone hoping to date. That’s true because…

  • You are working to hone your flirting skills and use them regularly
  • You aren’t afraid to strike up a conversation with a man
  • You enjoy men
  • You feel like a desirable woman because you interact with men regularly
  • You have a dating wardrobe

Are You Part of the Dating World?
Without dater’s mind, women have a hard time crossing the bridge to being part of the dating world. You might be:

  • Intimidated by the process
  • Too afraid of rejection to get started
  • Stuck thinking, “I don’t know where to start or I’m afraid of the Internet”
  • Without anything remotely sexy or date appropriate in your closet
  • Always complaining about men with your girlfriends

Dave Wygant Hit the Nail on the Head
I just read a post by Dave Wygant that was excellent. While I don’t always see eye-to-eye with Dave, this post hit the bull’s eye for me. This is my favorite part:

“…If you go out with an open mind instead of searching for “the one” and wondering where he’s going to be…flirting with men, talking to men, having fun, and actually enjoying … being single, guess what happens? The Law of Attraction happens. You start meeting great guys…[who]… are interested in you. You start creating chemistry. Not only that, you actually start having fun…”

I have given this exact same advice so many times to so many women. And here it is from Dave Wygant. Thanks Dave. Trust me when I tell you – this is the truth. This is what happened for me and for many of my clients who have found love. And this way of thinking – adopting dater’s mind – absolutely works. It elevates your energy to the level of your desire – that is the definition of the Law of Attraction – like attracts like. So you want to be like what you want to attract. It can work for you!

Take the Pressure Off!
Here’s what I tell my dating coaching clients: Take the pressure off! Just enjoy meeting new people. Get comfortable and build your skills. Find a way to learn something new from each person you meet – you never know even if he’s not the one, or you meet a group of women, every individual might know someone for you. That’s how I found my husband – I met his sister!

As your dating coach I want you to cross the bridge and find love faster. I want you to start having fun, meeting men, enjoying being single. Begin to adopt dater’s mind and see how things change for the better and your romantic future starts to look really hopeful.

 

Photo Credit: Wrote

Atlantic Monthly: Are Women Forced to Choose Between Deadbeats and Players?

Atlantic Monthly Article is NOT the Final Word on Your Chance of Finding a Decent Man!

Atlantic Monthly

In a recent article published in the Atlantic Monthly, there was a Bible-length article entitled All the Single Ladies on the plight of single women in America. I haven’t finished it yet because, frankly, I’ve got things to do. (But, I will get back to it.)

Basically the author, Kate Bolick, is talking about how hard it is for single women to find marriageable men IF you define “marriageable” men as having more education and more money. She has consulted with many famous researchers and writers to compose this diatribe which points to the dissolution of marriage as we know it. Or that women today can only choose between deadbeats and players. Such black and white thinking is ridiculous!

Women now make more money (through some clever economic equalizing she did), have more education and therefore less hope of every finding a decent man to marry. Never mind how in societies with more women, we become a commodity for sex as fewer and fewer men want to commit because they simply don’t have to.

Yet, she also cited statistics that on college campuses. Research points to the fact that everybody isn’t hooking up. Instead, it appears that 20% of the males are having 80% of the sex with 20% of the women. The rest are hanging back and staying out of the fray. So that belies her supposition right there.

If the hair on the back of your neck is standing up in total outrage at the tiny bit I just shared, take a deep breath. Let me give you my insight into her article.

Sex sells. So do hype and shock.

The Atlantic needs to sell magazines and this is another inflammatory article that does just that – gets you riled up so you buy the magazine. With a cover story entitled, What Me Marry? they are simply repeating a successful strategy that Lori Gottlieb might have started for them a few years ago with her own long story about not finding a decent guy and how she should have settled (the precursor to her book Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. I liked her book by the way even though I ripped apart her original article)

Don’t Let the Media Run Your Life

In 1987, I fell into a deep pit of despair after a week or so of outrage and anger about an article written in Newsweek. It explained how  single women over 35 were more likely to be abducted by terrorist than to get married. Ultimately the article was refuted and proved wrong. Yet, it took me so long to get over that horrid news piece. What a waste of time!

While it took me 10 years to make my huge turn around at 40, I dated 30 men in 15  months with the intention to find the right man for me. And it worked! I have been happily married for nearly 12 years. (Never been abducted by terrorists though I have  no desire to tempt the fates.)

Is it Harder to Find a Good Partner than it Used to Be?

Yes. But that does not mean it is no longer possible? People still fall in love and marry every day. The very first comment on the Atlantic Monthly blog (where I read the article) on was written by a man from the mid west. Dave Ryan (no relation) wrote this comment that is the perfect attitude to address all this marriage “fire and brimstone” with – a common grain of salt.

… I expect the author’s friend Ellen will be the minority experience… The rest of us, like the Midwesterners of yesteryear, will form partnerships out of necessity, and (hopefully) find some measure of happiness in that as well.”

Well said Dave!

I’ve been a dating coach for 10 years and here’s what I can promise you. If you are willing to:

  • Get out to meet people
  • Be friendly
  • Consider a range of men, not just those in the top 5%
  • Understand what works best with dating today (The Yin Yang Dating Philosophy from my book MANifesting Mr. Right)

Then I feel pretty certain you can and will find a loving partner. There are still plenty of good men if you are willing to look and realize that an amazing man who loves you dearly might not come in the perfect package of Prince Charming or George Clooney. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t exist.

And last but not least, I just want to say that when I looked up who is Kate Bolick, all it said is that she is a writer and contributing editor in New York. Not a researcher. Not an anthropologist. Not a scientist. Not enough credentials, regardless of her own personal history and all the experts she contacted, to be the authority on YOUR LOVE LIFE.

So don’t take her downer article to heart or let it keep you from seeking the love you deserve.

 

Leap Year – It’s Sadie Hawkin’s Day. Will You Ask a Man Out?

Leap Year and Sadie Hawkins' Day

 

Happy Sadie Hawkins’ Day!

Since ancient Rome was in power, an extra day has been added to February, giving the month it’s 29th day every four years. Due to the rarity of this day, many traditions have been created over time.

Since the day is so unusual, it has prompted different cultures over the years to come up with and permit some unusual activities during leap year. Here are a few I found in my research:

1. Women proposing marriage is the most common bucking of tradition for February 29th during a leap year. Some say this break from tradition is good for the entire year while others restrict the action to just the 29th.

2. According to legends, Saint Patrick of Ireland was the originator of this custom during the fifth century. He was supposedly responding to a woman’s complaints about waiting for a man to propose (see women have been going through this since way back when).

3. Scotland’s Queen Margaret created a law in 1288 that actually imposed a fine on men who refused a marriage proposal during a leap year. Of course the fine varied from a simple kiss, to a silk dress to money.

4. Denmark has a similar tradition. If a woman proposes on February 24th and the man refuses, she must be compensated with 12 pairs of gloves. (I’d rather have the cash thank you very much.)

5. A modern leap year custom in the United States is Sadie Hawkins’ Day which allows women to choose a partner, usually at a dance. Surprisingly, this comes from the comic strip Li’l Abner which included a character named Sadie Hawkins.  She was considered a desperate woman living in a small town – Dogpatch. Someone granted her one day to chase single men and that is why today, American women are in the habit of asking a man out or asking him for a dance on the 29t of February.

Will you take advantage of Sadie Hawkins’ Day? Is this your chance to feel empowered and ask that guy you’ve been talking to or thinking about on a date? Since this is the one day in four years that you do have this opportunity, are you brave enough to follow through?

As a dating coach for women over 40, I’m not taking sides to say if you should or shouldn’t. But, if you are one of those women who feels you’ll expire if you don’t ask some hot guy out, this is your chance. If you are dating over 40 or dating after divorce, what the heck right?

Men say they like when a woman makes the first move. Personally I don’t think that is the true answer. Yes, its exciting and flattering! Yes they might go with you. But every time I ask a man if they like it when a woman makes the first move and they say “Yes!”, here’s the problem. How do they get another date. Listen carefully to this switching up of the situation.

Every man I have ever got a positive answer about a woman asking him out has said, that if he likes the woman, the way he gets a second date is to ask her!  In other words, he returns to his traditional role and takes over pursuit.

So , if you want to leverage Sadie Hawkins’ Day and ask a man out on a date, please only do it once! If he likes you and the idea, HE WILL ASK YOU for the next date.

Another crucial insight…men who get asked out on dates by women think they’ll get lucky without much effort on their part. This is simply assumed because you are the aggressor. Please keep that in mind and don’t be surprised if a man comes on to you.

OK ladies – get busy if you are going to do this today!

 

Photo Credit: Stephen Poff

Research Credit: Jennifer Maughan

On this Valentine’s Day, Are You Reliving the Past or Facing the Future?

Happy Valentine’s Day!

What a day! Valentine’s Day brings out so many emotions!

Radio and TV talk show hosts bash the day as nothing more than another Hallmark Holiday. But that is not true. Valentine’s Day is not just consumerism at its best. This day is anchored in ancient history.

Way back in ancient Rome, girls and boys were paired up for a period of time to honor the Goddess Juno. At the end of the this period, some couples stayed together and married. Then, as the Roman Empire adopted Christianity, this practice became punishable and St. Valentine himself paid the price. He secretly married couples against the regime’s directive and was put to death for his actions.

Expressing love is a truly timeless practice. And it is an important one. Naturally romantic love comes to mind first. But love has a much wider scope than strictly romance. Parents love their children. Owners love their pets. Friends have love for one another. I encourage my clients to spend this day in appreciation of the greater love.

If you are one of those people who simply hates this day, could that be an indication you are reliving the past?

  • Did you have a bad Valentine’s Day in your past?
  • Are you still angry about your ex?
  • Are you down on love in general?

As a dating coach for women who are dating over 40, dating over 50 or dating after divorce, I have a bold suggestion. What if you could see Valentine’s Day as a gateway to a new romantic future? It’s certainly possible. Why not make today about releasing the past trauma of relationships, disappointment from Valentine’s Days  gone by, and broken hearts from love gone wrong. Let Cupid help you make the transition to a whole new world with new romantic opportunities and the love you dream about.

Today is your chance to make this powerful shift. Take it! Make the most of the loving energy that surrounds this ancient holiday. Decide right now to ride the wave of love that weaves its way in and out of lives, connecting so many in celebration and appreciation.

Face your future filled with hope, knowing that you have chosen a new path. A journey with exciting opportunities, new people, and a fresh start on love. Here’s to you:

  • To the love that is yours
  • To the love you attract
  • To the love you have yet to create.

Now that you have taken this step forward, surely it is in the works. Believe and celebrate like it has already come to pass. Share your love with all those you come in contact with today so they might be blessed by your presence.

 

Does Social Media Help You Find Love?

Can You Find Dates on Facebook and Twitter?

dating via social media and Facebook

Do you use social media on a regular basis? Some people can’t be bothered while others claim to be addicted. Either way, people are starting to meet new folks via social media and that is what I am talking about in this post.

You can learn a lot about a person from what they post and their comments to others as well. It’s all out there on the web, so maybe its time you start leveraging it!

How to Meet People for Facebook Fans

1. Make as many friends as possible on Facebook. Look up college buddies, family, previous work buddies, etc. Get connected to them all.

2. Browse through your friends, friends profiles. Look at photos, read their comments, read their profile to see if you have any thing in common. Determine who you might want to get in touch with. People who are local to you will make things a lot easier.

3. To start to cultivate a new connection, look for something you can comment on. Watch for comments your friends make on their friends activity or see if they have something you can comment on directly. This can get the conversation going.

4. After some back and forth messaging, suggest getting together. Something simple like you’d do with online dating. a cup of coffee or a beer/glass of wine.

5. Voila! You’ve made a new friend and possibly a new dating prospect!

I read an article that claimed match.com was dead and now connecting via Social Media is all the rage.

Whether or not you decide to connect via social media, many people use this tool to learn about their dates prior to meeting. Have you ever looked up a guy on Linkedin or Fcebook? Haven’t you Googled a guy? come on, I know you have!

The Danger to Pre-Qualifying Your Date Based on Social Media

There is a downside to digging up dirt about your dates and making decisions based on social media. You can make some snap judgments that are off base or just plain wrong.  Plus, you can misinterpret what is being said so easily. Sadly, this happens all the time. The reason is that there is no substitute for human contact.

Getting to know people takes time – that’s all there is to it. When you give people a chance versus finding reasons to disqualify them, you are on the right track to finding the love you want and deserve.

 

 

 

What Attracts a Man to a Woman? Feminine Charm!

Dating Goddess

Have you ever read The Dating Goddess’s blog? She writes fabulous posts about being over 40 and single.

In a recent post, she had a conversation with a guy friend who’d like to date her,. He explained the attraction she has,

“You have this tough, businesslike, ‘don’t mess with me’ exterior. But inside, you’re soft and gooey.”The Dating Goddess responded, “Like a Tootsie-pop!” And her friend said, “Exactly. Soft and delicious once you get past the hard shell.”

The Dating Goddess (DG) went on to talk about how men get to the gooey center when they take the time to get to know her and stick around. DG also pointed out how many men are intimidated by successful women today who have developed this “don’t mess with me” demeanor and several commenters agreed.

Should a Man Have to Break Through Your Shell to See Who You Really Are?

In her blog’s comment section, I acknowledged that DG had started a great conversation. And the comments were thought provoking – much like the proverbial question, “Which came first? The chicken or the egg?”

Here’s my take from my own dating experiences and from having worked with thousands of  women over 40:

It’s the “promise” of the gooey center, beneath the hard exterior, that captivates a man’s attention and makes him curious. I can see why women want a man to prove himself first before they are willing to show this vulnerable side. Yet, can you realistically expect a heart connection if you aren’t willing to be a little vulnerable?

I understand how you’ve been hurt and disappointed before and I don’t blame you. I have the deepest empathy for your feelings. However, what I know first hand, is this – if you can’t be warm and somewhat open, you have little chance of getting a man to stick around long enough to see that yummy, pleasing side of you.

Now you may wonder – why is that? Here’s the answer in a nutshell. Most men are seeking a counterpart. They want a woman who is comfortable with her feminine nature to balance their masculine nature. A woman who uses her feminine charm actually brings out more of his masculine side – which feels REALLY GOOD for a man. And let’s not forget this crucial fact for your love life success:

Men pick women who make them FEEL GOOD.

How can you do this without getting hurt again? Well, its hard. You might get hurt again. But, you can be smart. I’m not asking you to jump in with both feet and throw all caution to the wind. Of course a man needs to prove himself to you. At the same time, you need to find a way to let him see and entice him with your gooey soft center.  This peak under the tent, builds his desire to find out more about you!

If you don’t do this, you can see why a man might think you just sport a hard shell and there’s nothing beneath that besides…more hard shell. That’s your business demeanor and it isn’t likely help you land a strong man. You might land a man with more feminine energy who seeks the balance through your well-developed masculine side. Chances are though – that you won’t be happy with that.

This is something I know a lot about because I am a “chick in charge”.  When I was in the corporate world, I was a woman to be reckoned with. Tough as nails because I had to be. That’s was required to be good at my job. This will get you promoted, but it will NEVER HELP YOU LAND A GOOD MAN.

My advice? Find ways to let your warmth show.

Your softness and gooey center is your feminine charm. Yes, men want a woman who is confident AND also knows how to show her feminine side. It is your feminine charm that attracts a man to you and wins a man over. Don’t wear that hard exterior like a badge of honor when you are seeking a date. Keep that for business and display your yummy, fudgy center (like the Tootsie Pop) when you interact with men romantically.

5 Tips to Survive a Breakup

Survive a Breakup

Going though a breakup stinks at any age. Whether you are 22 or 42, a breakup is a loss that requires healing time. There are lots of ways to recover from a broken heart and what will work for each person varies. As a dating coach for women who are dating after divorce or dating after 40, here are my top five tips for breakup survival which I call the “Man-Free Diet”TM

1. Take a complete break from men
Don’t go online or go to dances. Don’t call or text your ex or previous loves. Don’t contact your ace in the hole guy that you keep in your back pocket just in case. Steer clear of straight men for at least one month. (If you have gay male friends – they don’t need to be avoided.) This time is all about you and your recovery and not about finding another man to fill the void left by your breakup.

2. Indulge in extreme self-care
Get a massage, facial, or skin care application. Try some energy work  or energy healing. Seek the help of a professional counselor or therapist if you feel you need it. Take long bubble baths or try Epsom salts which detoxify. Exercise, rest, meditate, do yoga and breathe. It’s OK and expected to be sad for a while, but make taking care of yourself a priority as this is a way to express and embody self love which is crucial for healing.

Eat well. Fix yourself yummy, healthy meals. Try some new recipes. Dine out at a fabulous restaurant and try something new. Indulge in a little comfort food.  And of course, there’s always chocolate.

3. Lift your spirit
Get together with girlfriends to laugh. Watch funny movies or comedy shows. Listen to great music. Sing along at the top of your lungs. Dance alone in your living room. Movement and music are very healing. Singing is recommended for the passing of a partner, so it will work for a breakup as well. When you sing, you lift your energy with the happy vibration of your voice.

Start a creative project. Immerse yourself in something you love to do. Or try a new craft or art modality. Unleashing your creativity is healing and engaging, so if nothing else, you can forget for a while.

Read something inspirational or watch/listen to inspirational speakers. Learn something new. Try a foreign language or a musical instrument to stimulate your brain and kick out those toxic thought loops.

4. Find reasons for gratitude
Get connected to what is good about your life – there’s plenty when you really start to look. Think about your other relationships, family, friends, pets, neighbors to see that you do have other types of love in your life. Count five things you are grateful for every day and make this a practice. Write them down in your journal so you can see what is good in black and white.

A grateful heart is lighter and more positive. The more grateful you feel for what is going well, the easier it will be to let go and allow the healing process to proceed.

5. Rebuild your confidence
Time for a makeover! You can go to the makeup counter at any big department store and get this done for free. You might want to purchase an item or two if you like what the representative does. Or hire a professional makeup artist to show you exactly what colors look best and how to apply them to accent your positives and achieve a great look.

Buy a few new outfits. I recommend working with an image consultant who knows exactly what will work on your body type as well as the best colors to flatter you. Some upscale department stores have personal shoppers on staff who are trained as well – try Lord & Taylor or Nordstroms.

Get a new hair style! Plop down in your stylist’s chair and ask what they recommend to update your look. If you feel brave, go for it! Hair grows out so you can always go back to your old ways in the future. Don’t be afraid – updating your look will take years off which is sure to make you feel younger and happier!

Remember you are a great catch. Even if the last guy couldn’t see that – his loss! You are a fabulous woman who deserves an amazing man. A man who knows you are the one for him and really appreciates you. He’s out there. And when you are ready, you can get back out there, feeling confident and healed and open to possibilities and meeting lots of new men.

People fall in love every day. When you are ready again, you will too.