Tag Archives: dating attitude

How to Stay Positive – Why Dating Is Like Shoe Shopping

How to stay positive while dating is a challenge countless women deal with. It’s not easy. But this fun analogy about shoe shopping will surely help!

how to stay positiveMen and Shoes – An Unlikely Pair

I know this sounds like a crazy idea, but hang in there while I explain to you why dating is like shoe shopping.

I had lunch with my friend Fern this week. She’s a skilled hypnotherapist, quite a character and tells a great story. Of course, the subject turned to dating (I never stop) and she shared this idea from a great article she wrote years ago.

This thought-provoking comparison is really good! And my hope is that it’s one of the best ways of how to stay positive about dating.

Why Dating Is Like Shoe Shopping

When you go out shoe shopping, maybe to Macy’s or DSW, you walk around looking at everything on display. You might need a basic black heel, but that never keeps you from trying on all sorts of shoes right?

Shoe shopping is such a unique experience because just about everybody can wear great shoes. Stylish, designer, funky, comfy or practical. There are so many options!

You gather up the shoes you want to try on and imagine how they’ll look when the sales person goes off to find your size. You wait with great anticipation. Returning with an armload of boxes, the fun begins.

When the Shoe Doesn’t Fit

Sometimes the pair you want most, the super hot, stylish shoe with a fabulous heel and wonderful detail, doesn’t fit! It hits you in the wrong spot, is too tight, or doesn’t have enough support. Whatever the issue is, your dreams of this perfect shoe that is so adorable are completely dashed.

Does that keep you from trying on the next pair? No way! On to the next! And the next. I’ve been shopping sometimes and have tried on eight pairs or more. All sorts of crazy, fun shoes with heels too high, or flats I’d never wear but, are so adorable.

That’s part of the fun isn’t it? Pushing yourself to new limits? Imagining what a shoe would go with in your closet. Or being willing to build an entire outfit around a shoe that doesn’t go with anything in your closet. But you love it so what the heck!

On occasion. you find a shoe that’s like a fairy tale. It’s gorgeous and comfortable. You don’t ever want to take them off. You feel sexy and imagine how you’ll look walking into the party or restaurant wearing those heels. You’ll wear them for years – you are so sure.

When a Man Let’s You Down

Say you meet an amazing man. He is so handsome, charming and smart. You go out on a couple of dates, but sadly discover he can’t seem to talk about anything but himself. He barely asks you even one question.

How could a man who seems so good “on paper” be so wrong? He’s sure not the good fit you dream of. He is like those designer shoes you really hoped would fit. Too bad they felt like cardboard.

Does that stop you from looking for more shoes? Never! Onward to the next retail outlet. Even if you’re shopping on Zappos and return every pair, you are most likely to visit the website again and buy another pair right?

Why Do You Give Up on Men, But Not Shoes?

Why, when you meet a man who doesn’t work out, do you immediately want to give up?

Have you ever bought a pair of shoes that felt good in the store, but after wearing them for a while your back or feet hurt? Or both? It’s a major bummer. You sunk some hard-earned cash into those shoes. Your hopes of looking totally hot crumble and you feel crushed, it’s true.

Does that keep you from looking for more shoes? Does it prevent you from staying positive about shoes? Nope, no way. Before you know it, you are back in the market, optimistically seeking a new pair to replace them.

Negativity about Men

But, if you go on three dates or see a guy for three months and things don’t work out, you want to give up. Maybe you think all men stink so why bother? There are no good men out there anyway. Or you insist, “Never Again!”

That’s why Fern’s analogy is a pretty good, even if it is rather unconventional and surprising. She makes an excellent point and this could very well be the answer to how to stay positive about dating and finding love.

Don’t Give Up – Look for a Replacement!

When your favorite shoes let you down, you look for a replacement. You don’t get downtrodden, insist shoes have let you down, and decide to forgo new shoes for the rest of your natural born life.

Now I realize shoes are not men or love. (Well that’s not exactly true about the love part.) But, you can learn an important lesson about dating from your relationship with shoes.

How to Stay Positive about Dating

Here’s an important lesson about love from your shoes. Looks and style can be deceiving. When your shoes disappoint you because they wear out quickly or aren’t as comfortable as you thought, its a bummer. But, not crippling. Why is that?

I think it’s because you know there are MORE shoes to be tried on until you find the right fit and style. Or at worst, there will be a new season and styles will change. That’s the basis of how to stay positive about shoes right? Trouble is, you don’t feel this way about men.

There Are More Men!

Just because one man doesn’t work out, disappears or breaks your heart, doesn’t mean you should swear off all men. There are more where he came from if you would only go look. Sure, take time to get over it and heal. However, do not let it roll into many long months or years. (Like the 18 years I wasted from 22-40, yes, my entire youth.)

No one enjoys getting heartbroken by amazing shoes or a love interest. But, you can and will recover and you can find another. If you have a bad date, shake it off. If you have a bad three month relationship and the guy ghosts on you, shake that off too.

Don’t give away your hopes of love and your power to take charge of your life, to the man who let you down. When you quit, he wins! This is why you want to learn how to stay positive about dating – to try again!

I Want You to Win at Love

I want you to find love. You deserve love. I’m a firm believer that love is your destiny. Women fall in love every day. You can too if you…don’t give up.

Keep going. Get a new pair of shoes and pump yourself up. Build your confidence. Find some optimism. Come up ideas on how to stay positive and active. Renew your conviction and commitment to find love. That’s what it takes and it’s WORTH IT.

Then go look for the man who will look great on your arm while wearing those hot shoes.

Thanks Fern. To learn more about her work visit her website.

Find Love with a Twist on the Christmas Carol Story

find love, meet men, dating advice

Find Love for the Holidays

Want to find love but need inspiration? Carla Dickens here. Well not really, it’s Ronnie Ann Ryan – The Dating Coach with my own version of a holiday classic – A Christmas Carol – the story by Charles Dickens about Ebenezer Scrooge. Here’s how my version goes…

Ebbie Scrooge, a good looking woman over 50, was wasting her dating years grumbling about men. On the night before Christmas, she was commiserating with her single girlfriends, complaining bitterly about the horrible men they meet. How all the good men are taken. How they’ll never find love and refuse to settle. The girlfriends clinked their glasses one last time, toasting how they didn’t need men and parted ways. Ebbie stumbled home for a good night’s rest. But she didn’t get it.

Instead, she was visited by three Christmas Ghosts of Dating Advice who illustrated the error of her dating ways.

Ghost of Past Dating Advice

First the Ghost of Past Dating Advice dropped in to have Ebbie review her history. Ebbie is all too familiar with her unhappy past and ugly divorce. However, the Ghost is very compassionate and worked with Ebbie to remember what was good, what did make her happy, and what lessons she learned that she can bring forward to a find love again.

The dating advice apparition encouraged Ebbie to not get lost in the past. In fact, Ebbie’s past does not automatically create her dating future. She has more free will than she realized and might want to think twice about frittering it away rehashing the past.

Ghost of Present Dating Advice

Back to bed for Ebbie, she thought she’d get some rest, but not to be. The Ghost of Present Dating Advice scooped her up and they journeyed to view her current love situation. Much to her chagrin, very little is happening on the love front. The Ghost of Present Dating Advice lovingly explains to Ebbie that she does have loving energy in her life. She has children who love her, friends and family who adore her, neighbors who enjoy her, and a dog who offers unconditional love. Ebbie never considered these sources of love in her life and took them for granted.

The patient spirit of Present Dating Advice showed Ebbie how loving energy in her present life could blossom into more if she acknowledged it and felt grateful. The error of her ways, bitching and moaning, blaming men, criticizing them endlessly, actually didn’t make her feel better – it only made things worse.

Ebbie’s head was spinning from seeing how much time she spent speaking poorly about men. From this wiser vantage point, it seemed like sad, self-sabotaging behaviors that was truly getting in her way of the romance she desired. To find love, she’d have to stop the time-wasting man bashing.

Ghost of Future Dating Advice

Then Ebbie was back in bed and yet again, a third apparition, the Ghost of Future Dating Advice whisked her off. She arrived to view her life five years ahead and was amazed to find herself in the arms of a wonderful man (Bob Crachet I believe), smiling, happy and in love. How could this be? What could she shift to ensure that this future did come to pass?

The Ghost of Future Dating Advice gave Ebbie some crucial tips about being approachable and friendly to men and most importantly, appreciating men for who they are and what they have to offer. These are the keys to meeting men and finding love.

It was as if Ebbie woke up to a whole new consciousness about dating that she had never experienced before. She could see the wisdom of these Ghosts of Dating Advice and her dating coach and how their advice would help create the future love she so strongly craved, but had long ago given up on.

To Find Love,Banish the Bah-Humbug Attitude Towards Men and Dating

Ebbie reconnected with all three Romance Ghosts before her night ended and vowed to change her ways. Now that she had learned how to find love after 50, the hero of our story felt more optimistic.

She agreed to work on being more positive, open and active. She promised to minimize her complaints and banish her bah-humbug attitude that sabotaged any efforts she made. This will allow her to send good vibes into the Universe and attract the love she wants and deserves.

Good for you Ebbie! With those shifts in perspective, mindset and understanding, you will attract the love of a good man. The next day, Ebbie flirted just for the fun of being an alluring woman, received lots of attention and started on the path to the love-filled future she now knows is waiting for her.


Photo Credit: CamKnows



Dating Over 40: Do You Find Dating as Annoying as Mosquito Bites?

Dating Over 40 - Law of Attraction

Some of my dating coaching clients think dating is totally annoying.

They don”t like:
-the process
-the men they meet
-the Internet
-the dances
-to play games
-wasting time meeting people

Do you feel this way too? Can you related to this? If you said “Yes,” I’m not  surprised. I hear these feelings expressed all the time in my dating coaching practice.

Let me tell you why this is a problem of tremendous proportions.

If you find the entire dating process annoying, then it has no intrinsic value. So you won’t feel like doing it. You might think that it’s all a big waste of time and not important. If you could just meet the right man and get it all over with, that would be so much better!

Boiling it down to the essence: You have a negative attitude before you even meet anyone.  Starting off  negative is guaranteed to produce…  more negativity which is not very attractive based on the Law of Attraction. At least not attractive to anything positive. With a negative attitude about men and dating, feeling the whole thing is as annoying as mosquito bites, maybe 100 times more, who do you think you are going to attract?

Annoying men. That’s right! Because “like attract likes” with the Law of Attraction.

So what’s the solution? Let me tell you a story and once you hear the whole thing, you’ll get a better feeling for how you can shift this at least into neutral.

Over the weekend I went to an outdoor evening party. I wore long sleeves and long pants, so I was mostly covered, but I sprayed my part on the top of my head with a natural bug repellent. The mosquitoes were voracious, but I thought I had escaped.

No such luck. Monday morning when I put on my sneakers to exercise, the darn bites came to life all around my ankles where the sneakers rubbed. It felt like fire itching beyond belief. Did I take off my sneakers and not exercise? Of course not! I am committed to my exercise routine. 100%

I started walking down the street and the only thing I could think of was those bites. Itchy, itchy, itchy! Could I really walk for 30-minutes? No choice really, I’m not going to give up exercise because of a few bites. I hoped it would pass.

I began thinking about other things. Topics I actually preferred to ponder and give my energy too. Planning workshops and speaking gigs the upcoming fall season, writing on my blog, remembering how much fun the party was.

Guess what happened? When I stopped thinking about the bug bites, they stopped being front and center in my mind. And finally the horrible itching subsided. I became desensitized to the bites!

Now, let’s take the next step – or leap – and apply this to dating. When you think dating is annoying and focus on that, you experience dating as pretty darn annoying. Guaranteed as I mentioned above. Yet, if you are committed to the process because finding love is that important in your life, you accept that you will do the work any way because you are 100% committed.

You become more relaxed,  friendlier and even start enjoying meeting men and your dating activities. Sometimes, it might still feel annoying. But you see it’s just part of the process. Knowing that there is no other way to find love today then to date, you accept dating as your means to an end and become desensitized to every little nuance that you encounter.

With an accepting and committed attitude, you are more positive because you know you are doing this for a purpose – to find love! You are determined to keep on going until you find it. And find it you will!

Dating may be as annoying as mosquito bites, but only if you hold that as your focus. Choose to focus instead on what you want and how you’ll feel with the right man. Sexy, alive and cherished. Or however you imagine the essence of love will feel. Go for it! The annoyance will pass and you will meet a good man. I found love over 40 and that makes me totally sure you can do it too.

photo credit: Trebol-a