Tag Archives: Ballroom Dancing Theory of Dating

Should I Call A Guy & Other Dating Questions Women Want Answered

Can you call a guy or is that a bad idea?There are a number of dating questions like “Should I call him?” that women want answered and that’s what I’ll do in this post.

should you call a guyShould I Call Him?

You met this great guy at a friend’s party or some networking event and really hit it off big time. You exchanged numbers, but now three days have gone by and you haven’t heard from him. Honestly, you find this a bit surprising. So, the thought comes to mind rather naturally, should I call him?

This is question that women struggle with at every age and across the globe. What’s the best way to handle this situation where you felt a strong connection, yet nothing is happening? You may even think being a modern woman that there’s no big deal today about calling a man.

The women who wrote the book, The Rules had plenty to say on this topic. From a traditional standpoint, the authors are emphatically against making the call. They would say no way should you call a guy. Ever.

When Is It OK To Call Him?

Honestly I don’t advise calling men as a rule either.  Women who do this tend to get very frustrated and feel like they are doing all the work in the relationship. And it’s true – they ARE. That’s the very reason I recommend NOT to call a guy.

Sometimes, you feel like if you don’t call, you are gong to totally burst or lose it somehow. OK then, if you must go ahead and call a guy ONCE. You can reach out and leave a fun flirty message, just don’t ask him why he hasn’t called. or that you were waiting for this call. You don’t want to look desperate and often initiating can make you appear that way. So whatever you say, keep it light and fun.

How A Man Gets Invested In You

What you REALLY need to know is how a man gets invested in you. To understand men, first you need to realize that much of dating is still based in our DNA and that is ancient. Dating behavior in men has not completely caught up to gender equality in many societies.

Things have improved is a bit in Scandinavian countries where gender equality has really taken hold. And in the USA for the under 30 crowd, gender roles are bit more balanced and progressive.  But for men over 40, your best strategy is to go traditional and let the man lead.

The Chase Is Like the Hunt

Hearkening back to the hunter-gatherer period in human history, men hunted to feed their family and the tribe. This is in our DNA as evidenced by the fact that today men still have better long distance vision than women. This was so they could hunt well and bring home the meat for basic survival.

On the other hand, women have better peripheral vision to gather food and watch the children. So, these skill sets are not learned as much as coded into each of us. That’s why men like to pursue women. Since they don’t need to hunt for food to survive, they enjoy sports and pursuing women. And that is how a man gets invested in you.

Why You Don’t Want to Call

Let’s take a good look at how this works. Let’s say you call a guy because you haven’t heard from him after your first encounter. He sounds happy to hear from you which is great! You talk about getting together and he says he’ll get back to you with a date ad time. Perfect.

A week goes by and you haven’t heard from him again. You wonder, “Should I call him? I already called him once.” But what the heck, you decide to give it another shot. The good news is he’s happy to hear from you and sets up the date. After a fabulous date you are really excited. But time ticks by and again he hasn’t called. Now what?

This is now a pattern. You call him and he’s happy but he makes no move on his own. Is this a man seriously interested n you? NO WAY! He might respond when you call, but it’s all on your girlfriend. And that is NOT a good sign if you want lasting love.

Men Want to Win You Over

Once you set up a pattern, it’s next to impossible to change. So don’t even get started. Or promised yourself you won’t call more than once, ever. Then keep that promise no matter who you meet or how great he seems.

Going back to DNA, men want to pursue you and win you over. This is why I always say the chase is still alive. When you are not overly available, (i.e. not doing all the work, contacting him and setting up dates,), he gets invested in winning you over. You become a challenge and so he wants to see it through to win you over and claim you as his.

I know this is shockingly archaic, but that’s how it is over 40. men between 30 and 40 may vary, some being more traditional and some being more hip so that’s a tough age range. But over 40, they are still coming from this place.

Will You Let Him Win?

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Now that you understand what is going on, will you still call a guy? Or will you wait to see if he calls you? Because if a man doesn’t call you, you have to come to grips with the fact that he wasn’t that into you. Even if you had the strongest connection in the moment, and hot chemistry it just wasn’t enough.

He might not want a girlfriend, he might have a girlfriend, he might be too busy for a girlfriend or even to date you.  Or any number of other reasons why he never picked up the phone and called to say hi or ask you out.

Learn to lean back as they say and allow him to be the man. Either he’ll want to be in touch, or he won’t. But you’ll never embarrass yourself by not calling him. If you want to learn more, you can read my post on the Ballroom Theory of Dating.

When Should I Call Him?

After you’ve had 6-8 dates within 6 weeks or so, then things change a bit and you can call once for every three calls he makes. This is just a guideline. You still want to give the man space.

Or you can “mirror” what he does. Certainly call back when he reaches out or texts. And you can take turns so after he calls and you talk or call back, you can reach out the next time. I still vote for less being better. Just don’t go over what he does because chances are he might easily get uncomfortable or worse, turned off.

What If He Just Stops Calling?

If a man you went on a few dates with stops calling, then he’s lost interest. Don’t take this to heart. He might not know what he wants, might not be ready for a relationship or might have decided the two of you are not a match. Better than investing months and finding out later.

Ghosting is common, but the truth is – this has always been the way.  When I was dating to find love, most of the 30 men went on only one date with me and were never herd from again. That’s why you want to date more than one man at a time – to hedge your bets and keep dating until you find a man who sticks around.

 

If you want more about how to attract a quality high-caliber man, listen to my Free audio program 5 Surefire Ways to attract a Quality Man

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let a Man Pursue You to Clear Up Dating Confusion

Let a man pursue you – that’s the #1 thing you can do get him invested in dating you. Follow his lead for the lasting loving relationship you dream of.

let a man puruse youHow To Let a Man Be a Man

Right now I have an awesome single guy as a client. In his early 50’s, Rick has shared with me the ups and downs of his love life. He felt ready to date again, but wanted to avoid some of the painful mistakes he made in past relationships. I have been very excited to guide him on this journey, as he’s a great catch.

His First Date

On his first date after starting with me, he was nervous and let the woman lead the conversation. She went down the unfortunate road of discussing past relationships and he followed her there. Then Rick noticed the energy between them diminished immediately following this conversation.

They talked about getting together again and his date said she’d let him know what was good. He told me he left the ball in her court. (Oh no – that’s a big dating mistake for a man!)

Who Should Lead the 1st Few Dates?

Let’s talk about who should lead on the first 4-8 dates. I explained to Rick about my “Ballroom Dancing Theory of Dating.” In ballroom dancing, there is only one leader – the man, and one follower – the woman. This strategy works best for the first 4-8 dates, (8 is better) depending on the couple, for so many reasons.

When you let a man pursue you and take the lead, you can observe what he’s willing to do to win you over without your prompts. This is essential to discover his interest level.

Does he take three weeks to call for a second date? Or does he ask you for a second date within three days? Obviously the quicker he gets in touch and asks you out, the greater interest he is showing. In this case, texting does NOT count – only his efforts to see you.

Don’t Take the Lead

As the woman, if you can’t handle waiting or think it’s unnecessary to let a man pursue you, you might call and ask when you can see him again. “Are you busy this weekend?” might slip out of your anxious lips. This is not a good dating strategy for women.

Can’t Take the DNA Out of Dating

Now that the genders achieved greater equality in the work place, women think it’s perfectly fine to initiate. You want to call and ask him out, be direct and say what’s on your mind or shoot the breeze.

Unfortunately dating has not caught up with equality in business. Dating is still an archaic mating ritual based on biology. Sorry to say, you can’t take the DNA out of dating – not yet.

Men Want to Win

What does that mean about DNA? See a man has hunter instincts coded into his DNA. The hunter wants to win. He enjoys setting his sights on a woman and then doing what it takes to win her over. Dating you needs to be his idea.

Once you are into the relationship (after 8 – 12 dates) then the chase is over and the communication can be more balanced. However, as the woman, if you don’t wait and try to take over pursuit, you can lose big time.

Men Don’t Like to Be Chased

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Instinctively, most men (over 40) know leading is their role in dating. They know they must pursue you to win your heart. So, when you take over his role and chase him, it’s often a turn off. It destroys the sexual tension that otherwise builds between a man and a woman and can make you unattractive or push you into the friend zone.

When you chase him, he’ll no longer be guessing if you like him or not.

There’s nothing to win and no reason to strive for your attention when you serve yourself up on a silver platter. When you call or ask him out early on, you take all the challenge and mystery out of the process causing a man to lose interest.

What Makes Him Pursue You?

That’s why you want to let a man pursue you, so he gets invested in winning you over!

Making yourself too available by initiating contact or asking him out ruins the magic and eliminates the mystery. Instead of appearing independent and confident, you end up looking aggressive, needy or desperate! These are not traits men seek in a woman.

My steadfast dating advice is:

DON’T CALL OR ASK MEN OUT!

To make this even more clear, I want to share Rick’s email with me after we talked about the “Ballroom Dancing Theory of Dating.”

Rick totally understood why leaving the “ball in her court” was a passive move that would get him nowhere. This was how he tried to ward off rejection. He thought by leaving the next move up to her, he could avoid hearing her possibly say, “No” to his next invitation.

Now, Rick Gets It!

“Hi Ronnie,

I’ve been thinking a lot about the Ballroom Dance analogy and wow, that’s really powerful.

When I actually took Ballroom Dance lessons, I was really nervous and awkward at first and didn’t know what to do. Gradually, I became more confident. As my confidence grew and I had more lessons, this is what my instructor taught me.

My Job as the Man:

1) Lead – never, ever let the woman take the lead. Never. Ever. Period. This was drilled into me.

2) Make the woman feel that she is the center of attention and the most beautiful, graceful being on the planet.

3) Have a plan on the dance floor and know where you’re going – the woman usually can’t see where we are going because she’s facing backwards. It’s the man’s job to keep a woman out of trouble and on the right path in dancing.

4) Leave past mistakes in the past. You can’t do anything about them. Focus on the here and now and the immediate future, to avoid more mistakes.

via GIPHY

Rick Filled His Dance Card

When I learned to put these concepts into place, my dance card was always full and I never sat down at a dance party. In fact, the Dance Studio I went to stopped charging me for coming to the dances because they wanted me to keep coming as I was an excellent dance partner.

So now, I’ll compare this with dating.  I am a past dance master just getting back into dancing, but I’m talking about and thinking about my past dance partners instead of dancing! I’m not leading or making the woman feel special. And I don’t have a well defined plan, and I’m not letting go of past mistakes.

If I don’t get this under control, I’ll be sitting down for most of the dances (figuratively speaking) and ruin my dating chances to find a new partner. I know what to do and how to do it.

Time to get off my duff and start leading again!”

Let a Man Pursue You!

You can only imagine how excited I was when I got this email from Rick! He had forgotten what his role was in dating AND dancing. Rick needed to step up to be the leader if he wants to find the right woman.

Finally, he could see avoiding rejection was becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy of rejection. To find love, he’d better take charge.

This is why when you meet a guy who is too nice, he has usually forgotten he is the leader. And guess what, you find him unattractive! So, you must let men be men and take the lead. Let a man pursue you.

Promise You Won’t Take the Lead

Sit back and let a man pursue you. If he calls, call him back. When you have fun, tell him at the end of the date. Just don’t call him, ask when you can see him again for at least eight dates in a row.

Give yourself the chance to find out how much a man is interested in you and what he will do, on his own, to win you over. This is the best way for understanding a man’s intention.

Let a man be a man and do the work so the sexual tension builds and he gets invested in you for a lasting, loving relationship.

Find out if you might be making any other major midlife dating mistakes with my book 7 Dire Dating Mistakes that Keep You Single

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