What if you stop texting him and see what happens? Don’t text him! This is a great strategy to find out if a man is genuinely interested or just likes texting.
Is He Really Interested?
Is He Really Interested?I bet this has happened to you. You meet a guy online and he asks for your number or you’re on Dating Apps and start texting.
Texting is fun! Sometimes it’s fast and furious and other times just morning and night.
As time goes by you feel a connection and wonder when you’ll meet. Anticipation builds. Maybe you suggest getting together for coffee and he agrees.
Yes! Somehow though, things never come together and he doesn’t set a time or place. Texting continues.
What is this about and why won’t he find the time to see you?
One Date Followed by Texting
Sometimes a guy will text often and then ask you out. You have an amazing date and you can tell he liked you as much as you liked him. Awesome! Trouble is, he continues the texting part but doesn’t ask you out again. or sets up a date and cancels.
Why did he lose interest so quickly?
Texting On and Off
Another scenario is that you text with him sporadically. There are times when you have whole conversations, then next thing you know he goes dark and you wonder where he went.
Is he OK, seeing someone else, or just busy at work?
You text him to see what’s up and say something cute the first time. He bounces in and the texts begin again, then slows or stops.
You text again to ask if everything is OK? This behavior is so confusing and you feel frustrated. You still haven’t met this guy and this on and off thing is getting to you.
So when things slow down, you feel like you have to do your best to keep it moving to maintain this connection with him.
The problem is you’ve already invested so much time and now you really like him.
What Is Ghosting?
If you are asking what is ghosting, the definition is when a man stops asking you out and no longer stays in touch, even by texting. He seems to have dropped off the planet, leaving you wondering what the heck happened.
Next, what is ghosting in texting and how is that different? Most often this is when a man has been in touch frequently by text, saying good morning or wishing you a good night’s sleep. Maybe some other little text tidbits during the day too.
Or he may get more in-depth in his conversation, share a laugh or something about his day. The point is, he stops reaching out and basically goes completely silent, leaving you puzzling over your phone as if it might not be working right somehow. At least that’s your hope.
Find out why he stopped calling
Tempted to Text and Find Out What Is Going On?
Does he like you or not? It seems like such a simple thing; so why do men make dating so difficult?
I know that’s what prompts you to contact him and text again. You think, “Hey, I’ll just text him and ask what’s going on? Honesty between adults should be the best way to go.”
So you text and say something like, “Are you still interested? If not, it’s OK. I just want to know.” That should be easy for him to respond to – he can’t just say, “No thanks.” Or, “Sorry, I’m seeing someone else.”
Trouble is men tend NOT to answer direct questions like this at the start of dating.
Most men, don’t want to be the bad guy. So they squirm, feel uncomfortable and tell white lies. At least that’s what they think they are doing.
You get a text back that talks about how busy he is. He might apologize and start texting again. Maybe he surprises you and sets up a date, but cancels at the last minute disappointing you beyond belief.
What are you supposed to do? If being direct and asking doesn’t work, then what will work to get his attention again?
Stop Texting Him and See What Happens
Yes, I’m completely serious. Just stop texting him and see what happens. This is how you learn what his true intentions are.
A man who is interested, but not setting-up dates will often become more interested when he stops hearing from you.
If you always text first, STOP. Go silent. Observe what he does and what steps he takes to reconnect. You want to get a man’s attention – disappear on him. That will make him very CURIOUS.
You are interrupting the pattern of your behavior and doing something unexpected. This is what a good man will notice and he just might stop playing this crazy game and want to meet you.
You will stand out from the other women he’s texting.
Now, don’t go getting your hopes up because many times a texting kind of man will never come around. But once in a while, a good man will become curious about you and decide he needs to know more.
More advice on why guys slow their texting
Many Women Don’t Understand This About Dating
See, most women do the same thing you do. They prompt a guy they haven’t heard from, thinking it’s the right way to go. In fact, many think it’s the only option.
They don’t realize they should stop texting instead.
There is an energy to dating. A rhythm of push and pull or back and forth like ballroom dancing. In ballroom dancing, there is one leader and one follower.
As a woman, you follow a man’s lead if you want to look good on the dance floor. It doesn’t make you less important than him; it’s simply how dancing works.
Follow His Lead
The same thing is true at the start of dating.
Follow a man’s lead:
- If he texts, text him back.
- If he doesn’t text YOU, DON’T TEXT HIM EITHER.
This is your best strategy to not waste time on men who are not genuinely interested. The truth is there are lots of men who will waste your time and string you along, BUT ONLY IF YOU LET THEM.
So, when you text because he’s gone silent, you are no longer “following.” You have taken up the lead and that does not work at the start of dating for most singles over 40.
It might not work so well under 40 either because dating is still an archaic mating ritual based in biology, not gender equality.
Most men like to think dating you is his idea. To create this situation, you don’t want to be too available and you don’t want to appear PUSHY OR DESPERATE.
But, that’s what happens when you take the lead, keep the texting conversation going, etc.
Don’t Text Him, You Have Nothing to Lose
When you stop texting to see what he does, you have nothing to lose. In fact, you have everything to gain because you will find out if you matter to him or not. You will understand his true interest level.
Don’t kid yourself or make excuses for the guy. Men know EXACTLY what to do if they want to see you. They ask you out, set a date, pick a place and show up. And they can do all that without your help. Even shy guys know this, so don’t make excuses for any man and feel you must HELP HIM OUT.
The good news is that when you don’t do his job of taking the lead, you won’t get invested and emotionally tied to the wrong man before you even meet him. Or before you get to know him and discover if he’s even worthy of your time and interest.
Let him lead to find out what he’ll do to win you over.
That is the ONLY WAY you’ll ever know how interested he really is!
What you will lose are men who are NOT interested. Men who could care less about you or don’t want a relationship. Men who don’t care enough to be consistent in their pursuit or efforts to get to know you.
Now that’s something you can stand to lose, right? Who needs a man that is just filling time with you or playing with your heart?
This is how you can shake free from men who just want to string you along to boost their ego, fill time, or chase away boredom and fritter away your precious time.
Your Next Step
So if you are “talking” to a man who texts a lot or just sporadically, but doesn’t ask you out, think twice. Are you putting energy into something worthwhile by interacting with him? Or exposing your heart to romantic disappointment?
Are you accomplishing anything by continuing to text this guy who hasn’t met you or hasn’t asked for a second date in more than a week? Unfortunately, no, not really. It’s time to let go and walk away.
Stop texting him and see what happens next. If you don’t hear a peep, you now have valuable information about that guy – he’s not the one.
The right man for you WANTS TO MEET YOU and will do what it takes to get to know you and spend time with you.
When you don’t text him, observe his actions over several weeks (like six or eight) to decide if he might have potential.
If he’s consistent in staying in touch, calls at least once a week and asks you out for a date weekly (if not more), then he might be showing some lasting potential. And worthiness of your love and attention.
Until you know this about a man, play the field girlfriend! Do not narrow down your options and focus on just one man until he is consistent enough that he asks you to be exclusive.
Learn more about the mixed signals men send when you download my Free book on His Mixed Signals Are So Confusing.
Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. She put her skills from personal development and her spiritual path to work, dating 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to manifesting and midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late to help smart, successful women find love or live an empowered and magical life. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000s of midlife women with her Love & Magical Life Coach services. She’s the host of the Breathe Love & Magic podcast and has been featured on NBC, ABC, & Fox News, NPR, BBC, eHarmony, MSN.com, and Connecticut Magazine among others. Also, Ronnie is the author of 6 books which are available on Amazon.
Hi, I have been texting a guy for 3 weeks and met him on instagram. He asked for my number and we have been talking but he stopped texting during the day but he would post on instagram. He stopped asking questions about me and when I would text him back he would take hours to reply. When I would ask about him to get to know him better he wouldn’t answer and changed the subject. Also during the second week he texted me in the afternoon and I texted back but he didn’t reply to me until the next morning, but he posted on his story all day. He took a whole day to reply to me. I told him I didn’t appreciate that but I understood during working hours if he couldn’t get back to me right away and that I valued consistency. He started to get consistent again until the other day when I asked him a question and he took another whole day to reply but he didn’t answer my question. He was also on social media all day. Should I ghost him?
Hi Kenzie, Sorry to say this is a bit of a wakeup call. If you noticed he is on social media all day, then you are too! That is not real life or dating. Texting or messaging is not the same as dating or being in a relationship. It’s virtual. Who cares if he didn’t respond the same day because it doesn’t mean anything? I will agree he isn’t showing enough interest and you should move on – to a dating app! If you want to find love and date someone, you have to meet people and go out on dates. No long distance – stay local and meet within 7 days. Don’t waste your time messaging – that should only be a supplement to seeing someone in person.
I would really appreciate your opinion. I reconnected with a friend I haven’t seen in 5 years. I am 43 and he is 38. We always liked each other but were not single and now we are. As soon as I returned, he looked me up and asked me out. We had two beautiful romantic dates. He’s not into casual dating and plans to have a family. He was happy to see me again and wants move forward slowly. Then he disappeared and stopped texting. After a month, he followed me on Instagram. Two weeks ago he texted, saying he was working a lot, and we might see each other sooner than I think. Then gone again.
He moved to the capital and I am supposed to move in a month with my own new job. I don’t know what to think. Having been friends before, this is not his typical behavior. He was always well-mannered and respectful. He ended his previous 11-year relationship a few months ago. Could this be it? Or maybe he thinks I’m too old to have a family? Should I let him go, give him time, or approach him with the fear of not getting again a reply? Thank you.
Hi Laura, I’m sorry to tell you he’s stringing you along. He has time for Instagram but not to respond to a text? Come on. If he was serious, he’d be making time to be together. Busy is an excuse or lets you know love is not his priority. Also, when a man says he wants to go slow, this often means, “Don’t expect much or to see a lot of me.” It’s a boundary he thinks you’ll respect and to keep you from being demanding. My advice is to walk away now before you get in any deeper.
Ronnie,
Thank you so much for responding to me! I so appreciate it and you’re right I could have been a little softer (I had been many times before)
Who knows, I might reach out to him again and see how things are in a month or so because I know how he is…
Again, I really appreciate your response…makes me feel so much better!
Met a guy on line a week ago. Communication was just not going as a I thought. A text during the day and a short phone call while at work or when he gets home. I asked to Facetime and he said maybe later- never happened. I felt the convos lacked depth. after a week we had an in depth convo 3 hours, but I asked about what does he needs in a relationship, his love language, but he never asked me those questions in return. I felt something was missing so, I mentioned it to him. I text him stating we have different communication styles and I needed more. He asked if I ever dated a busy man. I stated even the busiest man makes time for what’s important. I know I need more and don’t want to change you. He stated it not about changing its about conforming. He then stated he will stop wasting my time and won’t call me again. So, am I over reacting about my needs, asking for too much or was he just not that into me?
Hi Coco, Considering it was only a week, I would say yes, you were being demanding. Did you even go on any dates? Most men wouldn’t respond well to that need for attention. He lost interest because you were making things unpleasant. Most men won’t talk about love languages etc. up front. He doesn’t owe you anything or need to meet your schedule for communication, especially at the start.
You are right, if a man is truly interested, he will pay more attention. But at the beginning, you can’t expect the same level of communication as if you’ve been together for 6 months. I recommend you adjust your expectations and be more realistic. Then when you meet a man who doesn’t meet your standards, don’t berate him for it. You walk away to find a man who will be more attentive.
You cannot change a man or get him to conform. You have to find a man who has the same interest level and love language by watching what he does to win you over, not by spelling it out. There’s nothing wrong with stating your needs, but you have to have some kind of real relationship and rack record first as a foundation for this type of conversation.
Hi Ronnie, Glad I came across this article! Would love your opinion. Met someone, we were doing so great and did get intense pretty quickly until he pulled back. Nothing happened but technology – I missed a text and he said he got spooked and thought I was blowing him off. Crazy? He said I was all he thought about and the closest he had been to a real relationship in ages. But he just wasn’t there? And I know there’s no one else in the picture (that would be easier!). I decided because I’m impatient to send a text stating how I felt and that I hadn’t heard from him but actions speak louder than words. I was disappointed but I wished him all the best. Do you think that was too harsh? And do you think it closed him off from reaching out when he gets his act together? ps…he still has some of my things too ha! Thanks so much!
Hi Pamela, First, fast and furious is fun, but it usually fizzles quickly. Slow and steady is better for lasting love. The real clue is he said this was the closest he’s been to a real relationship in ages. In other words, he doesn’t get vulnerable and do relationships. So, the slightest thing was his perfect excuse to scamper away. You told him how you felt – no damage done because he’s not capable of the kind of love you want anyway. In the future, if you want to give a guy another chance, I’d say something softer like, “Haven’t heard from you in a while. Busy? Sick? Abducted by aliens?” Humor can help a man cross the bridge back. Speaking the truth has value and it can feel fabulous! But when a man ghosts, it won’t bring him back and when a guy disappears, it’s never a good sign. It happens to all of us so do your healing, let him and find a man who is ready and capable!
Hi Ronnie, Please help me. I met this man online 3 years ago. He texts me day and night, we talk on the phone and occasionally video. He says he loves me, wants a relationship, calls me his girlfriend and future wife. He wants a life together but will not come to see me. Every time we make plans he changes the subject, makes excuses and lies, says he is coming but never shows up. When I confront him, he gets defensive and acts childish. He says sorry over and over. I told him my feelings and I deserve the best and not be lied to. I cry because it hurts my heart. My trust is lost. I did fall hard in love with him. I gave him so many chances and he says he will change but hasn’t. What should I do? When I tell him I’m leaving and don’t text for a couple of days, he texts me to take him back and apologizes. I keep getting my hopes up that one day he will come see me or should I just move on?
Hi Nicole, I know this will be hard to hear but you sound ready. He has a woman in his life already, he’s lying about something, or he is not emotionally capable of a real relationship. Sadly your love kept you hoping for 3 years. This is exactly why I advise women who writes to me about long distances relationships, to date LOCAL. Then, if a man makes excuses, you can tell its nonsense vs. being a problem with timing or travel. He is selfish in keeping you in this position, but you are allowing it to happen. It’s time to be strong and walk away if you want true love. He’s proven time and again that he’s never going to visit. True love exists if you open to it and look for it locally. I sure hope you do.
Hi i have a bf when I text him he answer me back I have not heard back in month told me working 6 days. a week weeks really busy what to do
Hey Karen, I’m sorry to say that he’s not seriously interested in you. How could he wait a month to speak with you if he was truly in love? I know it’s hard but it’s time to let go and move on.
I’m talking a guy who I met on line,who said he love me and want married me but I am the one who always send him text if I done text him for days that means I will not get text from but The moment I send him text him reply and I am getting tired with his attitude.What can I do?
Hi Patience, I’m guessing you haven’t even met him since you said you’re talking online. I’m sorry to say- that is not true or real love. That is VIRTUAL love and fantasy. It’s time to get real and be super honest with yourself. Is it possible that a man who loves you won’t text you first? Of course not! He doesn’t love you. Words are cheap but his actions speak clearly.
What he’s about is taking advantage of how much you DESIRE love. You stay in touch and feed his ego, hoping for his love. And he’s not giving it to you!
What should you do? Just like the article says – STOP TEXTING HIM AND BLOCK HIM. He’s wasting your time, stringing you along, and you are allowing this to happen. Please work on your self-esteem because you deserve real love with a man who will go on real dates and spend time with you.
Get out of the virtual world, stop texting, and start dating local men if you are serious about finding true love.
Hey Ronnie, I’m 29 years old. I’ve been talking to a man who is a couple years older. He currently is out of the country for work and we met online in late December. In the beginning everything was great, regardless of how busy he was we texted through out the day and he FaceTimed me daily. A couple weeks ago he started becoming more distant communicating less. He still texts every morning but we don’t talk during the day anymore. And FaceTime is once in a while. I understand his work keeps him busy, but I know when a man is interested he’s not going to text you only twice a day either. I don’t understand. Should I just stop replying and see if I really mean anything to him? And if I do this how long do I ignore him for if he starts asking me why I went silent? PLEASE HELP! I REALLY LIKE HIM AND DON’T WANT TO DO ANYTHING THAT WOULD JEOPARDIZE the relationship we have already but also I don’t want to seem desperate. I will take any advice from someone who is thinking clearly and sees my situation outside of the box
Hi Amber, I know this is hard to hear, but you are not in a true relationship with this man. It is virtual only which means it’s perfect for an emotionally unavailable man. He talked to you when he wanted, but never had the real accountability of being in a face-to-face relationship. Some men only do long distance so they can fall in love to feel adored and wanted. Then it fizzles for him, so he starts again. Yes, stop texting him. But don’t expect him to come running back. This is so you can let go. Even if he starts communicating more, he’s not your boyfriend. A real relationship involves time together. This is a fantasy long distance relationship. What do you really know about him? Only what he has revealed. Please look for love locally. Here are a few posts that will fill yo in more about long-distance guys. 6 Clues he’s not into your long distance relationship? Love from a distance. How to recover from an “almost relationship.”
I nearly talk everyday to this guy and I feel like one day, I should give him space and I do but he hasn’t been online all day also he told me that his exams finish after 24th feb, I haven’t heard from him today and hoping he is ok.
Fear not Aaminah – Sorry to say he has likely ghosted you. Women always rush to imagine something bad has happened to a man. In truth, the guy just moved on, got bored, distracted, or started talking to others. Talking online to a guy is not dating anyway. It is a virtual type of relationship but rarely leads to REAL love or a live and in person relationship. Time to move on and find a new guy who actually wants to meet you and go on dates.
Hi Ronnie, I am 28 and have had more than my fair share of heartbreak. I am recently back in the dating world, after being told by an ex he doesn’t love me and there is no possible future there. He was a successful older man, and the relationship was healthy and good (according to both of us). Another ex told me that he doesn’t see a future together after 2 years saying he wanted to marry. He got a new girlfriend less than a month later. I have met a lot of dead ends, even if the road looked promising.
I am questioning the possibility that “true love” exists. I have several friends and parents who have their own horror stories of dating and love. I don’t believe that the right one will come find me if I am not at least putting myself out there, but does the right one exists? I have put in the hard work to love myself and feel confident in who I am and what I want. Should it be this hard? How can I make it easier?
Hi Emilee, Finding love is often not easy, but it sure does exist! Without having a session and getting into details, it’s hard to say what’s happening. One possibility is you could be overlooking the signs. Another is that you hang around waiting for the relationship to move forward, hoping for more. Sometimes there’s just no way to know – the men conceal their true intentions.
Do you jump into relationships rather than taking it slow and just dating first? Do you accept poor treatment and make excuses for the man’s behavior? Take time to look back at each relationship and journal about 1) What was good, 2) What you learned, 3) What you didn’t like and wouldn’t tolerate again 4) Any signs you ignored. Then compare the notes from several exes and see what you discover. You might find that very helpful. (Working with a coach could help you figure this out. It doesn’t have to be me.) I hope you recover soon and keep looking for the right guy. I’m sure he’s out there.
Hi Ronnie, I’m 23 and met a guy online we’re in a 3 month relationship now. He say he loves me so much but he doesn’t give me much time. He’s too friendly towards me and I never call him but he calls me first everyday. He texts me in the morning after he reached his office, and at night to wish me goodnight before bed. Also I never say I love him first but he always says he loves me so much and said he will meet me only when I’m ready, so I’m confused because of his busy schedule isn’t giving me much time. So does he love me for real or just reserving me for later?
Hi Nelly, Everyone has a different idea of what love is and how a relationship should be. So, it doesn’t really matter whether or not he loves you. You want a man who will spend more time with you. Clearly, seeing you often is not important to him.
Be clear with him and set your expectations to be happy. Have a conversation (not texting) and say in a nice way that seeing him every week is very important to you. See how he reacts. If he can’t do it, then you know your happiness is not his priority.
His being busy does not matter. The right guy will make time for you. You can’t change anyone. All you can do is clearly, calmly, say what you want. If he can’t deliver, move on so you don’t waste time. He will NOT change and things will NOT get better with more time. Things are always best in the beginning. So, if you’re NOT enjoying the relationship now, that’s another clue he’s NOT right man for you. Good luck!