Wondering if you should text him? Here’s the skinny on texting; the good, the bad and the ugly truth.
If you are looking for love with online dating, you can easily find yourself in this situation. You want to get past emailing through the site with a guy who looks good “one paper”. So you suggest talking on the phone. Or maybe the guy suggests moving to the phone. You share your number and boom! he starts texting.
At first this is a lot of fun. The back and forth and excitement of not knowing what the next text will say or when he’ll send it. Some people are very clever with their texts. Some share deeply. Some men ply you with compliments and early morning and late evening check-ins. It can be very nice and lure you into feeling like this is going somewhere.
Too bad that’s just not true! Most texting is completely meaningless in terms of a real loving relationship. Worse than that, it is a waste of your time and can keep you hopelessly single, especially if you are in a texting relationship where you don’t get together for dates.
Many women will let a man get away with lame excuses for not going on dates because you keep hoping he’ll come around. After all, it seems he likes you. Why else would he be texting you for so long, right? Let me share five reasons why texting is a big fat dead end.
1. Some men need emotional support.
Let’s say a man doesn’t have anyone to talk to, but knows he’s missing out on getting the emotional support he needs. Texting is perfect for this. He can share what’s going on with him without looking you in eye. He can build a virtual friendship without spending a dime on you. He knows women love to be helpful and get sucked in thinking these deep conversations are creating a loving bond.
Too bad he’ll never step up to the plate to take you out on a real date. Or if you have been on dates, they are few and far between. Don’t trade your emotional support, which is really a privilege, in the hopes that he’ll come around to love you. In this case all the soul-baring he does is meaningless in terms of ever having a real relationship.
2. Some men can only handle a relationship at a distance.
There are men who want to feel connected to a woman. They want to feel your love and adoration, but can only handle those emotions from a distance. Texting allows them to open up to you, but keep you at a distance. The texting keeps him in contact with you but it’s all hands off. You may ask to see him, but he can work around that.
These men can’t handle anything more and don’t have much to give which is why texting is so perfect. Sharing through typing is actually very limited when you think about it. Don’t fall for this poor excuse of a relationship. You deserve the whole shebang, not just typing out a few tender sentences several times a day.
3. Some men crave female attention (ego boost)
Yes it’s true. Some men have weak egos that need constant stroking. What better way to feel good about himself and the power he has over women then by texting a whole bevvy of beauties? There are men who are in texting relationships with many women at the same time. How hard is it to write something simple twice a day like, “Hi beautiful. Thinking about you this morning. Hope you have a great day.” Then he can follow up at night with something like, “Sweet dreams honey. Thinking about you makes me smile.”
Or the weekend check in which goes something like, “What have you got planned this weekend?” Forget about it though – he’s not asking because he hopes you can fit him into your schedule. He’s just acting interested to keep you on a string. When a man asks this, but doesn’t follow up by asking you out, this is highly manipulative.
4. Some men don’t want any commitment.
Not only does this guy want to avoid a relationship, he doesn’t want any expectations either. And what kind of expectations can you have for a man who doesn’t have time to see you? Not much which is why, once again, texting is ideal. He can fantasize about you and with you. Talk about life and enjoy your continued interest and attention without giving you a single moment of his time face-to-face.
5. Some men want to cheat without cheating.
This guy wants to avoid feeling guilty about his need for variety. He’s in a relationship or married and feeling the need to roam. He connects with single women who he knows are lonely and have a deep desire for male attention. He’ll act so very interested in everything about you.
You may even see him once so he can get you really hooked on him. Then a million things happen that keep the two of you apart. He knows that keeping things going makes you want to hang in there so you can see him again some day. But you most likely won’t. Why? Because he’s already in a relationship! He doesn’t want to actually cheat on his woman sexually, so instead he is texting with you. Or maybe se.xting with you. The truth is, he is still cheating even if there is no sex involved, since he’s cheating with you emotionally.
What All Texting Relationships Have in Common
Over time, your feelings grow for the man you are texting. You think you are building a strong foundation for your relationship. You value his ability to open up and tell you intimate details about his life. You assign meaning to all of this texting, thinking he must really be into you.
Regardless of what is behind a man’s texting, it’s a DEAD END. He’ll never come around, never spend time with you and never have a real relationship with you. Yet, you are allowing him to take up space in your heart. You may feel fulfilled in some way that keeps you from seeking true love. You might feel satisfied or hopeful enough that you don’t bother looking for other men.
Don’t let this happen to you. If you are in a long-term texting relationship, from two weeks to a full year, dumb his sorry ass right now. If you are wondering, “should I text him?” stop right there. Call a girlfriend instead. Read a book. Watch a movie. Exercise or do yoga. Anything but text him one more time!
Stop thinking about what you are going to be losing. You are not losing love because you never had him. You only had the illusion. You have a virtual relationship and are up in your head.
True Love Involves Spending Time Together
A real relationship, one that enriches your life and adds value, is face-to-face, live and in person. You go on dates. He makes time for you. You share experiences while getting to know each other. You kiss and touch and more. This is a loving relationship and there is no romantic substitute. Please don’t be fooled for another minute.
Texting certainly does not hold a candle to kissing the man of your dreams.
Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. She put her skills from personal development and her spiritual path to work, dating 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to manifesting and midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late to help smart, successful women find love or live an empowered and magical life. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000s of midlife women with her Love & Magical Life Coach services. She’s the host of the Breathe Love & Magic podcast and has been featured on NBC, ABC, & Fox News, NPR, BBC, eHarmony, MSN.com, and Connecticut Magazine among others. Also, Ronnie is the author of 6 books which are available on Amazon.
Hi Ronnie,
I just wanted to share some news with you and your readers. After reading your advice, I reduced communication with this man. Around Christmas (which was the “deadline” for me), we ended up exchanging a few emails after I sent him a very short email to wish him Merry Christmas. A few days after New Year’s Eve, he initiated contact by sending me an email to wish me Happy New Year and I was surprised. I asked him how he was and he said that he wasn’t OK because it was impossible for him to find a job no matter how hard he tried. I tried to support him without asking too many questions and I suggested some career “twists” that might help him get a job. He thanked me but we haven’t talked ever since (it’s been about 2 months) and I’m not planning to email him again. Some of my friends believe that he’s interested but feels insecure because he doesn’t have a job. What do you think?
Anyway, after all this, I’ve understood that indeed texting/emailing doesn’t mean anything as you said and emails won’t lead to dating since he hasn’t asked me out all this time. I haven’t dated anyone else in these two months but at least I’m not talking to him so I can get some distance. Thanks so much for your support and advice 🙂
Dear Ronnie,
Thanks a lot for replying so quickly!
You’re absolutely right that maybe bad timing was a sign that it wasn’t meant to be. I’m not really confident in asking him out because I’m old-school and like to let guys take the lead. In this case, just because I rejected him in the past, I’d consider asking him out just once but I kind of feel hurt because he still hasn’t replied to an email I sent him a week ago. He doesn’t seem to be the type of guy who would do this to punish me for what happened in the past but it just takes him too long to reply lately (initially he replied the next day). I think that he’s genuinely going through a lot right now though (he said that he’s been looking for a job with no success for about 4 months) and I guess that now it’s bad timing for him. I’m planning to give him some time until Christmas and if nothing happens by then, drop the issue. By the way, when we’re talking about emails (not texts), is it OK for him to reply after a week or so? He’s unemployed so it’s not like he has so much to do!
Thanks for being here for all of us and offering us such great pieces of advice 🙂
Dear Ronnie,
I met a guy on the train about 2 years ago. We come from the same country but we were both living in other countries then. He asked for my email address and the next day he sent me an email. I replied and we started talking but mostly in a friendly tone. We kept talking via email for about 2 months (he was always the one to initiate contact) and then it was time for both of us to visit our country for the summer holiday so he suggested that we meet. I said “OK” but to be honest when the time came to arrange when we’d meet, I didn’t want to see him because I felt that he wasn’t my type (I thought that he’s too serious and boring) and I was emotionally unavailable. I finally emailed him saying that I couldn’t meet him and provided a lame excuse. I know that I should have told him the truth but I didn’t have the guts. He said that it’s a pity that we wouldn’t meet but that I should contact him if I ever wanted us to meet.
Later I realised that I hadn’t handled the situation properly and felt guilty but I thought that it was too late to do anything about it. Two years after declining to meet him, I finally decided to email him and apologise about the way I handled things in the past. I wasn’t expecting anything to happen, I just wanted to make amends and explain to him that when we met the timing was bad for me. He replied “no worries” and we exchanged some emails. The way he reacted was lovely and I realised that he’s a good guy. He told me that he went through some bad things these two years and that he’s back in our country. So I am and we actually live in the same city. I was kind of hoping that he’d ask me out but it hasn’t happened yet (we’ve been emailing for about a month). At first, he replied within a few hours but now it takes him days. He actually slowed down on replying when he told me that he’s looking for a job without success and I told him that I have a good job and I wished him good luck with finding one himself.
What do you think I should do?
Thanks in advance!
Normally I would say you missed the boat and move on. But if you want to ask him to meet, just this once, you could try it. He might not be so anxious to be rejected again by you so by taking the lead ONE TIME, you might catch his interest. You do risk rejection so make sure you can handle that before you give this a shot. Sometimes things happen for a reason and the bad timing is a way of helping you move on so that’s worth thinking about as well. Good luck whatever you decide.