On this episode of the Breathe Love & Magic, I’m speaking Dating Coach Debbie Rivers about sex on the first date and more dating questions.
When you are dating and looking for love, deciding when to get intimate with a new man can be difficult. Does it matter when you have sex, and which set of rules should you follow?
Dating after 40 is so different because your body has changed, and your mindset may have shifted. Are there any clear answers about how to handle intimacy?
What I recommend is to decide what you want first. If you want to date around, have fun, and know you won’t be heartbroken if a guy never calls again after sleeping with him, you’re free to do as you please.
Of course, take steps to be safe, that’s obvious. But you must be in a strong place emotionally to hold up in the face of rejection. Thankfully, the stigma of first date sex has diminished significantly.
However, if you are going to feel attached right away after sex on the first date and will feel completely destroyed if the guy disappears, then wait longer.
How Long Should You Wait?
For myself, I waited at least 5-6 dates because I figured if the guy was consistent enough for that many dates, then he was a good risk. Certainly, no guarantee but it helped.
Whatever you do, don’t tell a man what your magic number is because he might see this as a challenge. men have been known to hang in there just to get you into bed to meet the challenge and then walk away.
There is a lot of pressure and the “3 Date Rule” does still pop up. Some men actually think that three dates entitles them to sleeping with you.
This is nonsense and you don’t need to think twice about it. There is no such rule except in his own mind. Even if you say society sets this expectation, you don’t need to follow it.
Never have sex on the first date or any time because you feel pressured by someone’s expectations. Or that you owe a person anything just because he bought you dinner. No way! You get to decide when you feel safe and comfortable and that’s the end of it.
You want a man to desire you of course, but you want him to want YOU, not just having sex with any woman.
Chemicals Get Released
Spotting instant sexual chemistry is easy. But knowing if you have emotional chemistry takes a heck of a lot longer.
So, if you decide to go for it and sleep with a man right away, that clouds your ability to stay objective about the emotional connection. Oxytocin gets released, and most women start feeling attached and loving.
How do you get around this? Debbie has had clients say it’s embarrassing to have “the conversation” and talk about what you are looking for. Yet, if you can get naked with someone, why can’t you have this conversation first? Think about it.
How to Have the Conversation
Here’s how to bring it up. The best time is on the very first meeting. Just ask, “What are you looking for? Something casual or serious?” This timing offers the least amount of pressure and has been shown to be when a man will be the most honest.
If his response is delayed, he laughs, looks away, or says, “casual,” then he’s the wrong guy. Keep this as a strict rule with yourself and you won’t waste time on men who don’t want what you want.
If you have already been on a few dates, and he let’s you know he’d like to go to bed, say something like, “That sounds nice, but my preference is to be in an exclusive relationship where we aren’t sleeping with anyone else. I’m not ready for that yet.” This gives you more time if you are facing down the “3 Date Rule.”
This is why it’s essential to be very clear about what you want, what your boundaries are, and what works for you. The decision is very individual, but once you have your own set of rules, your choices become much easier. You simply follow your own rules! This took a lot of pressure off me when dating.
Poor Reasons to Get Intimate
Debbie says she knows a lot of women have sex for the wrong reason. They worry if they don’t fool around, he won’t like them or stick around. Some women think if they don’t sleep with a guy, another woman will.
So what? That’s no reason to have sex, and it doesn’t mean it’s right for you. If that guy’s only interested in you is one thing, let him find satisfaction with someone else!
In addition, Debbie and I both have seen women who place meaning on sex. When a man sleeps with you or spends the night, some women believe that indicates he really likes you. Sadly, this is no benchmark for genuine interest.
There’s also this idea that you want to know early on if the two of you are sexually compatible. Okay, fair enough. But waiting a bit longer will still be plenty early. You don’t need to wait three months, just a few more dates will do it.
Another common misconception women have is that having great sex will ensure a man chooses you over other women. That’s not a guarantee either. It takes more than a good roll in the hay to establish a solid long-term relationship.
Today, sex doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t suggest there is a commitment or genuine interest beyond the physical. Attraction and genuine interest are NOT the same.
Here’s What Hot Chemistry Indicates
Unfortunately, sizzling hot physical chemistry is not an indication of long-term potential or compatibility beyond the bedroom. That intense attraction is nature’s way of ensuring survival of the species. It doesn’t mean anything more than that.
If you want a relationship, your odds of finding a good one or lasting love improve when you don’t have sex on the first date.
Why Don’t Women Listen?
Debbie brought out a really good point. When she’s worked with men, they complain that women don’t listen. The men say they tell women they don’t want a relationship, yet the women choose to get involved anyway, then get mad when it doesn’t become serious.
Women tend to think a guy will change his mind about his dating agenda and go for the relationship when he sees how great it can be.
Nothing could be further from the truth. When a man says he’s doesn’t want anything serious, HE MEANS IT and won’t change his mind.
Another issue with early intimacy is that it leads women to feel prematurely invested in building the relationship. Even if they discover the guy isn’t quite what they hoped for, or they aren’t the best match, they feel invested and decide to stick with him.
This mentality is exactly why women end up in unhappy relationships because they didn’t take their time to vet a man thoroughly before committing to being exclusive.
Benefits of Slowing Down
On the other hand, when you slow things down and date multiple men at the same time, it stops you from obsessing about any particular guy. This can also prevent the needy behavior that sabotages your chances, turns a man off, and pushes him away.
When you don’t rush into a relationship, you can learn more about a man to discover more areas of compatibility or places where you don’t jive.
The longer you hold off for sex or exclusivity, the more you can remain objective about his true potential as your long-term romantic partner. This is how you can see past a guy’s “best behavior” that dissipates with time.
There’s So Much More!
Debbie and I went on to talk about:
- The difference between men and women and who changes their mind most
- The issue of size
- Pressures and expectations about intimacy
- Who leaves more often due to a lack of satisfaction
- What women say provides their greatest satisfaction
- The influence of porn
- How to keep that spark alive
- How to rekindle desire and your sensuality
- The John & Julie Gottman’s book – Eight Dates
- Asking for what you want and more!
Listen to this episode and you’ll learn so much about dating, intimacy, and sex on a first date.
BIO – Debbie Rivers
Always learning the latest advances in how the brain works, especially when it comes to love, Debbie shares cutting edge tools with her clients. Her unique approach applies behavioral science, neuroscience, and attraction strategies to give you the everything you need. She’s a Certified Practitioner in Coaching in Gottman Method Couples Therapy, a Master Neuro-Linguistic Programming Coach, a Certified Master mBIT Coach (Europe) and a Certified Matchmaker with the Matchmakers Institute in New York. Visit her at https://DebbieRivers.com/au