Waiting for a Second Date?
This question is from a midlife woman who just starting dating after divorce. She is waiting to hear about getting a second date and we all know how hard that can be!
Hi Ronnie – The Dating Coach for Women over 40,
I’ve been divorced for 2 years now and am back on the dating scene, especially online dating. I met a guy online who called me first, set up the date, complimented me on how nice it was to meet with me and asked if I minded that he contact me again. He sent me a follow up text a few hours later telling me it was nice to meet me and would like to see me again soon.
My question is do you think he will call or text again soon to set up a second date? I do not want to text or call him and cause him to think twice about going out with me. We both have children and need to coordinate our time with kid schedules. He is also going to school right now, which I know is very important. I support bettering yourself.
Dating is so hard sometimes and I just don’t want to make a bunch of mistakes.
Thanks Ronnie, I appreciate your advice,
Hoping for Second Date
Dear Hoping for Second Date,
I know it’s hard to wait for that second date! And good for you for trying to avoid mistakes right from the start.
As the woman at the start of dating, holding off from initiating is the best thing you can do. The truth is, you should do nothing, unless he initiates first. Then of course respond!
You are smart to not reach out to him. If a man is truly interested, he knows what needs to be done to date you. It’s his lead and he is the one to call and schedule dates. I refer to this as the Ballroom Dancing Dating Principle. At the start of dating, the first 4-10 dates, its best to let the man lead just like in dancing. And as a woman, it’s your job to follow.
When you follow this dating principle, you won’t wonder if a man likes you because either he is calling and asking you out or not. Texting, IMing, emailing, or talking on the phone do not count. He has to go on dates with you face-to-face to have it count as true pursuit.
Don’t Make Excuses for Him
Midlife dating can be complicated that is true. Often you do need to coordinate schedules with work, school, kids or other responsibilities. Never the less, a man knows what he has to do to win you over. If he is serious about winning your heart, he will make time! Or yo will discover that he is not serious or not ready to take the action that is required to form a lasting relationship.
So while your date is busy, don’t make excuses for him because he knows what he has to do. On the flip side, you need to be available for him too. That doesn’t sound like a problem in this case, but for many women, they can’t seem to carve time out of their busy schedules to date a guy. I recently was speaking to a new client who thought spending 90-minutes looking at her online dating site was too much time to invest per week! Seriously that is not much time at all.
So, yes, you might as well wait to see what he does. In the meantime, keep looking for others online. You don’t know if your current guy will follow through or not so keep your options open until you are more certain.
Once in a while a women feels she absolutely must call the guy to just see what’s going on. Many feel a little nudge can get things moving again. If you insist on this, here is my advice – don’t say anything about a second date when you contact him. Keep it light and short. Say something like – “I thought about you when…”then mention something you did that he had an interest in. Maybe a newspaper article, movie, TV show, sports game, etc. If that doesn’t get you a second date – move on!
Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. She put her skills from personal development and her spiritual path to work, dating 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to manifesting and midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late to help smart, successful women find love or live an empowered and magical life. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000s of midlife women with her Love & Magical Life Coach services. She’s the host of the Breathe Love & Magic podcast and has been featured on NBC, ABC, & Fox News, NPR, BBC, eHarmony, MSN.com, and Connecticut Magazine among others. Also, Ronnie is the author of 6 books which are available on Amazon.
Hey Ronnie
I met this guy through Tinder and I gave him my number. He called straight away and we spoke for over an hour. He kept texting me and rang to ask me out that same evening. I agreed as I had nothing on. We met and hit it off straight away. He was very touchy feeling like holding my hand as he spoke and saying my name in conversation. We made out that night just kissed passionately. I told him I didn’t want to rush things and he agreed as he is just out of a relationship since Nov. I told him I’m looking for a relationship and he said he was too.He sent me a txt that same night to Say I was funny, beautiful etc. Then the following day he txt, we jokingly bantered back and forth and I say I was going for a walk if he wanted to join me. We ended up going for a drink again and kissed passionately, thing’s got hot and heavy and we ended up having sex in my place. But since then he hasn’t initiated another date but has txt me. I hadn’t heard from him one day and I txt to say I was thinking of him. And he replied the next day to say his gran had died. I then phoned him to say how sorry I was and he said I was v sweet that he would give me a big kiss when he saw me. This is a week ago and another weekend without him making plans to see me. He txt me today and I said have a great weekend and he then said any plans. He said he’s working tomorrow Saturday and Sunday is his nephews christening. I told him I’m out tomorrow night and meeting up with friends Sunday.I had a think and was really pissed off he didn’t want to see me. So I sent him a txt saying “he’s a lovely guy but I’m not looking for a txt buddy I eventually looking for a boyfriend I’m going to take that as a sign your not interested. No hard feelings. I wish you all the luck in the world with your search”. X
Do you think I handled this correct Ronnie? And do you think he will come back with a reply?
Thanks so much
Julie
Hi Julie,
Yes I think you did the right thing. Sadly he was not into a relationship with you or maybe any woman- hard to say. He just wanted to have his way and move on. No, I don’t think he’ll be coming back.
I have no judgment about sleeping with a man so quickly, but if you are looking for a relationship, I would wait for at least 5 – 6 dates. It’s actually not about the man, but more about you since you are the one who will be disappointed if he just wants sex and nothing long term. If you wait, you’ll get to see how much a man pursues you – weekly dates or more are a clue of more genuine interest. It’s not always true, but most player types won’t hang around for 6 dates just to get lucky.
I’m almost 50 (admittedly I was married for 25 years) and getting back into the dating scene. Have had a few conversations exchanging notes with other blokes in my situation and you would be surprised at the number of men who don’t subscribe to the above philosophy (including myself although learning the hard way that this is the expectation). If divorced they may have memories about power plays in relationship and may feel that it is an unfair that they have to do all the work. Rejection is painful and doesn’t get easier, and we don’t know where the line is between ardent pursuit and stalker, and we couldn’t stand to be considered the later. So most of us men, as un-sexy as it is, are complete wusses. We live in our heads. We feel cut off. We are used to women coordinating our social programme. We haven’t maintained friendships while chasing career and are a bit depressed about it. We don’t know how to be men anymore because the lines are quite blurred. So in this social environment I would say that the advise above is bullshit. If you want to have a relationship, front up and be a “man” about it – and then expect the same in return. It has to be give and take otherwise the guy will just give up.
Sam – I think you have missed my point here. Sorry for your troubles of course, but please know I’m only talking about the start of dating. Once you date several times, things become more balanced with both people able to initiate. But you can’t claim to be a wuss and unwilling to ask for a second date after you asked for a first and then blame women for it all. I totally understand how you and your male friends in this situation can feel confused and emasculated to some degree. Trouble is there’s only one cure for that. Rebuild your confidence and then do start taking risks again to ask for what you want. Sure you’ll face rejection, just like women do every day. As Wayne Gretzky, a famous American hockey player said, “You’ll miss 100% of the shots you never take.”
Completely agree with you Ronnie. Men need to be the ones that initiate the first few dates as they need to feel like they are chasing a worthy catch. If as a woman you try to take this away from him, it’s highly likely that his interest is going to wane.