Women often seek my dating advice on how to let a man know you’re not interested. This is tricky because you never really know who you are dealing with. Case in point – this article from the Huffington Post about an investment manager’s embarrassing email asking why he didn’t get a second date.
It seems Mike and Lauren went out on one date and they each had differing opinions about how it went. Since Lauren didn’t respond to Mike’s subsequent emails and calls, we can safely assume she didn’t think it went so well. We aren’t privy to the reason, but once you read the article – you can get a few good ideas – like maybe Mike’s completely off his rocker.
On the other hand, Mike thought their first date went very well. He thinks they are a great match because they both like classical music. And he can’t understand why she won’t go out with him again for several reasons:
1. She demonstrated that she liked him by playing with her hair
2. She’s very busy and he’s conveniently located
3. He makes good money and contrary to her belief, managing his parents money is a REAL job.
After emailing and calling Lauren to no avail, Mike googled and found her email address. Then he wrote and sent the amazingly long note which somehow got posted in Reddit and ended it up in the Huffington Post.
The email clearly demonstrates the full extent of Mike’s lunacy. While he berates Lauren for leading him on with her hair twirling, eye contact and conversation, he intersperses his scary diatribe with the disclaimer “…unless you do still want to go out with me”.
Say Very Little
This is why I tell my dating coaching clients to say very little about why you no longer want to see a guy, especially if you’ve only had one to three dates. Keep things very simple by blaming your choice of not wanting to see him again on chemistry. I recommend saying something as simple as, “I enjoyed meeting you, but feel the chemistry isn’t quite there. Wishing you luck with your search.” That’s it!
I Learned this the Hard Way
The first man I dated (out of 30) to find my husband (of 11 years), was a great guy to jump back in the dating pool with even though he wasn’t the right man for me. Jack was too old, not ready for the kind of relationship I wanted, geographically undesirable, to name a few things. However, he offered me some great dating practice which I was in dire need of.
No question, Jack seemed like a decent man, just not the right one for me. In fairness, it took me some time to figure this out, which is exactly the purpose of dating. Initially, I was willing to accept many of the things that turned out to not be good for me.
When I decided I didn’t want to see Jack any more, I foolishly wrote him a letter. It was kind (in my mind) saying what I did like about him. Naturally it also included what I didn’t like. I explained that I wanted a man who would spend more time with me. This seemed relatively harmless to me – its not saying anything bad about Jack – really just stated the obvious. He didn’t want to spend much time with me and I wanted someone who did. It’s not like I told him he wasn’t smart enough or cute enough right?
Men Feel Rejection Too
Ahhh, but rejection lands hard regardless of the reason. Never write it down!
Jack called leaving an extremely nasty message on my answering machine after reading my letter. I was shocked at how angry he was. I thought I had done such a nice job of letting him down gently. After all, I didn’t even say it was his fault. Seems that doesn’t matter. Rejection is painful no matter the reason. And if you went out with a man who likes to argue – you’ll have a fight on your hands.
No, You Don’t Want to Know
My female clients often complain that they wish they knew why a man never called again or didn’t ask for a second, third or fourth date. Truth is, you do not want to know. Chances are it’s something you cannot change, nor would you want to. Often the guy decided you weren’t the right one, which doesn’t mean you aren’t attractive or a great woman.
Rejection is part of dating and part of life. Since you never know if the seemingly normal guy you went out with is nuts or nice, don’t give him anything to fuel the fire. Say nothing like Lauren or as little as possible. Mike got mad and stalked her, but that was his own doing. Can you imagine his reaction had she actually told him why she didn’t want to see him again?
Frankly, I’m a little worried for her now that this has gone public.
Photo Credit: MargaretKillJoy
Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. She put her skills from personal development and her spiritual path to work, dating 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to manifesting and midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late to help smart, successful women find love or live an empowered and magical life. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000s of midlife women with her Love & Magical Life Coach services. She’s the host of the Breathe Love & Magic podcast and has been featured on NBC, ABC, & Fox News, NPR, BBC, eHarmony, MSN.com, and Connecticut Magazine among others. Also, Ronnie is the author of 6 books which are available on Amazon.
Thanks Terry – you made some excellent points! I’ve had several male clients who have been deeply hurt by cruel women. No one is immune to the woes of the heart.
Men don’t have a monopoly on heinous dating behavior.
Yeah, Mike is a jerk, but for every Mike out there, I could tell you a story about a woman who acted like a complete jackass on a date or during another social interaction with a man.
Some men stalk. Some women stalk. Some women talk non-stop on their cell phones while eating a meal which she expects her date to pay for. Some women target guys to buy them drinks and give them phone numbers that turn out to be for a pre-recorded rejection line.
(Brings to mind what Ann Landers used to say: “Time wounds all heels.”)
To succeed at dating, be open to the possibility that a person of the opposite sex is not a different species. He’s a human being. He may turn out to be a clown. Then again, he may turn out to be the love of your life.
If you go out expecting everybody to burn you, you’ll prove yourself right.
m- Yes I’m well aware that many men behave poorly, but this case is extreme. However, I know for a fact that all men DO NOT ACT THIS WAY since many of my clients do find good men to date, fall in love with and marry. That is an undeniable FACT.
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had such a bad time out there. I do have empathy for you. Yet, your experiences to deter me from my efforts to help women are fruitless.
In fact, one of my recent clients in her 50’s, found a wonderful man and is in a relationship with him after just 4 sessions. People fall in love every day. Love still exists and so do good men.
I agree – it is a shame that you and many other women haven’t had a good go at it. One thing I can guarantee you having been a dating coach for nearly 10 years – your intense anger and disgust with men, will not help you find a good one.
My question to you is, if you are SO ANGRY with dating coaches like me, why do you bother reading what we have to say? You must still have some desire and hope or you wouldn’t read my blog.
My wish for you in the coming New Year, is that you find a way to dissipate some of that anger and resistance, so you can feel more at peace if nothing else. It would be so good for your soul.
“I was shocked at how angry he was. ”
I don’t know why you were shocked. Not only did Mike, the i-banker in the email you’re reviewing here, behave the very same entitled, enraged way (you’re late, BTW – other media outlets got hold of that a week before HuffPo did) — but the fact that you “dating coach” types continue to be shocked, SHOCKED! at the fact that men behave this way, like it’s some sort of aberration, is precisely one of the large contributing factors enabling that type of behavior to continue.
This is the way men behave in the dating pool these days. This is what the women that resist becoming clients keep telling you, and this is why some of us resist — because you all appear to be in complete denial about how they behave and continue to insist that we women are the whole problem and harp endlessly about “what you the woman can do to change”. We can turn ourselves inside out; none of that is going to stop these men from behaving the way that they do. We don’t have any control over that.
Of course, if women stopped dating men like this, instead of being pushed by all of society to continue doing it … *shrug*
Your site contains a plethora of great information for singles over 40! This breakup letter really makes you think!
What are your thoughts on online dating?