Over 40 Dating: Please Drop the Ball – How to Find Out if He’s Interested in You

I was reading a personal dating blog yesterday with a really good post about a dating situation. the blogger/dater was asking for help in understanding what happened. That’s where I come in – The Dating Coach with answers.

Of course it’s much easier for me now to look at situations like these more objectively since they are no longer happening to me. When you are living through it – ahhh that’s what makes it harder. I have tons of empathy for you daters out there. And that’s why I want to share what I know with you – to clear up mysteries and make your dating lives easier and more productive.

Here’s the story:

1. Cara met Andy on a blind date her friends set up. They had a good time. He paid. Thumbs up.
2.  Cara admits that she doesn’t abide by the rules of dating regarding follow up. She emails to thank him and to make sure he knows she’s interested.
3. Cara took it one step further by asking him to let her know if he’s open to going out again.

Oh No Wrong Move!

4. Andy does respond to her email and suggests the following week
5. Cara provides two options and Andy says they’ll talk later in the week
6. Cara waits…
7. Andy contacts her last minute on a day she’s not free, then says he’ll try again
8. Cara is still waiting and wants to know what happen?

So, I gave her my dating advice:

As a dating coach, I say let the man do the work. Why? Because then you know if he’s really interested. When he has to make the effort, email or call, pick the place, set up the date – he’s invested in winning you over.

When you contacted him, you said more than “Thank you.” You suggested going out again and asked for feedback. He might have been flattered and thought it was a good idea at the time. But he wasn’t invested. Hence – no follow through.

You may decide to continue to send email thank you’s the day after a date because it’s the polite thing and you feel it has merit. ( I don’t think it’s really necessary.) My suggestion is leave it at that. That way if he wants to see you – THE BALL IS IN HIS COURT. 

In life we avoid dropping the ball – usually its shows lack of follow through. This is very true of business skills and the very reason I talk all the time about how your business skills do not translate well in the land of romance.  

For women who are dating, DROPPING THE BALL is the MOST EFFECTIVE THING you can do to find out if a man is truly interested or just flattered. Please let that ball sit there and don’t touch it!

Don’t pick up the ball and try to run with it. That’s a totally different game and not the one you are trying to play here.

Instead, your job in the Dating Game, much as you may hate it, is to wait to discover if he is ready, willing and able to pick up that ball.

 Women don’t like this concept, but it’s worked for eons and is something that has not changed much. This premise has to do with biology and DNA. The behavior pattern relates back to our animal instincts and mating rituals. And we cannot take biology out of the Dating Game, not yet.

This is the very reason why I am a huge proponent of feminine charm and flirting! That is your power as a woman. Learn how to use your allure, so there is nothing he can do but want you. The wanting causes his investment which prompts him to act. This is exactly what you want. When connecting with you is his idea, the chances of his investment go way up and the chase begins.

Allow the chase to do its job. Use your allure and charm to pique his interest. And drop the ball totally if you want to know how interested he is and find the right man for you.

Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. She put her skills from personal development and her spiritual path to work, dating 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to manifesting and midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late to help smart, successful women find love or live an empowered and magical life. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000s of midlife women with her Love & Magical Life Coach services. She’s the host of the Breathe Love & Magic podcast and has been featured on NBC, ABC, & Fox News, NPR, BBC, eHarmony, MSN.com, and Connecticut Magazine among others. Also, Ronnie is the author of 6 books which are available on Amazon.

8 thoughts on “Over 40 Dating: Please Drop the Ball – How to Find Out if He’s Interested in You”

  1. Mike – good for you! I don’t blame you one bit. If a woman can’t respond – move on. I caution women all the time about being too busy or even saying they are really busy – it sends the wrong message – that she is unavailable.. Thanks for putting in your two cents.

  2. I like Jonny’s comments! I too will only “chase” for a short time. If it seems like pulling teeth to get a call, text or e-mail returned OR she seems like her calendar is always full, I signal “next”. When I’m communicating with a woman early on and I suggest some days/times to get together and she keeps saying “busy”, I ask her to pick a date. If she can’t do that, she’s really not very interested in me.

  3. If a woman expects me to perpetually chase her, then it’s not going to last very long.

    I chase after a woman a little bit, but only just enough to hint that it’s “her turn” to reciprocate. Over and over and over again (painfully and foolishly) I have invested in a woman who wasn’t interested. For one thing in these scenarios I gave her very little opportunity to reciprocate. For whatever reasons, she became bored or uninterested, and I felt over-extended and phony.

    I also believe there are always plenty of fish in the sea, and I am more likely to hunt for someone new than I am to take risks on someone I don’t really know very well. If she tends to spend a lot of time with me, then I would take some risks with her.

    Furthermore, with some women I did not take any time to evaluate character and quality. I’ve learned now to do this before even thinking about getting carried-away chasing after someone who “appears” to be of good character and quality. It’s a dating survival skill in a world full of adept frauds and phonies, and on one level I am grateful for these learning experiences. I will invest primarily in discovering how she treats herself, her friends, and her family. See if she is ashamed of her insecurities or aware of them. To see if she lives for herself or lives for something greater than herself. This is extremely difficult to accomplish in the dating game, which is why I’ve always preferred social circles for this sort of thing.

    P.S. I do not find a powerful woman in a position of authority necessarily attractive nor intimidating. I honestly don’t understand why some guys do.

    P.P.S. I avoid party girls or women who like to spend a lot of time having fun. If she’s thinking about clubbing or kayaking, I’m thinking about science fairs and college tuitions. Again this goes back to the core value of whether an individual lives for herself or something greater than herself.

    • Hi Jonny,
      I think you may have misunderstood my point. Your dating survival methods seem to actually be on track with what I am suggesting. I’m just recommending that women not chase men. Reciprocity is a totally different story. After you’ve had 4 dates with a woman, she should feel safer to contact you and suggest something. But upfront, she needs to know (as you do) that you are interested enough to pursue her, otherwise she is wasting her time.

      From your perspective, if a woman doesn’t return your call within 24 hours – that’s a signal for you that she might not be that interested. You’ve had enough experience that you have figured out your own ways to safe guard your heart. I applaud you for wising up! Wishing you love Jonny.

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