Avoid the temptation of sex by keeping your dates in the public eye.
My dating coaching client, Kendra, met Mike through an online dating site. The first date went great! Kendra found Mike attractive, a good conversationalist, and friendly. She felt comfortable with him and thought Mike had serious potential.
Mike sent Kendra an email the next day saying he had a nice time. Yeah! Then three days later, he emailed Kendra, offering to cook dinner for her. This put Kendra in a quandary. She thought it was sweet that he offered to cook for her, but didn’t feel comfortable going to his house for the second date. Something about this made her feel nervous, so she emailed me for online dating advice.
“What should I tell Mike?” Kendra asked me. “I’m not ready to go to his house for dinner. What do you think?”
I think Kendra is smart. Her instincts told her not to go because its too soon for an intimate dinner. That might be date 6 or 8 depending on who you are. But date 2 is too soon. I responded to Kendra that I didn’t think she should go. If she did go, she’d probably be “dessert”.
What makes me think this? When I was on my dating journey to find love, it happened to me twice! The first time, I was out of practice dating and truly had no idea what his agenda was. Didn’t take long to find out though.
The second time with a different man, I thought, this can’t happen twice?” But it did! I could tell what was coming, so I tried a lot of distraction tactics. For example, he had a big coffee table book and I picked it up and plopped it on my lap looking through it ever so slowly. Finally, he turned to me and said, “OK, come on now!” Really? That’s your best shot at charming the pants off me so to speak?
I left quickly, not knowing what else to do.
Here’s my online dating advice: When a man offers to cook dinner for you, trust me, you are on his menu for dessert. Now, if you don’t mind casual sex, then its no big deal. But if you are a bit more conservative and looking for a long-term relationship, my advice is to wait.
Some men just want to sleep with you. But others want a relationship and still try to sleep with you asap. How can you tell the difference? You can’t! Only time will tell.
The man who is interested will take “No” and ask you out again. But a man who just wants you in bed will likely never be heard from again. Since you can’t know which kind of guy your dinner invitation is coming from, its best to move the date outside the house where sex is not as tempting.
I told Kendra to say something like, “Mike, that’s so sweet, but I’d feel more comfortable going out until I know you better.” That’s all you have to say. Save that dinner invitation at his house or yours until you are ready to have sex. The same rule applies for getting a pizza and watching a video. Don’t fall for that one either. Or, “Let’s continue this conversation in the car.” No way!
Public places offer the best opportunity for safety and avoiding early intimacy. Be smart, be safe and stay out of the house/car. Whether you met him online or a blind date, my online dating advice is to get to know him first and observe his interest in you to see if he is relationship material.
Photo Credit: Uberculture
Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. She put her skills from personal development and her spiritual path to work, dating 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to manifesting and midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late to help smart, successful women find love or live an empowered and magical life. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000s of midlife women with her Love & Magical Life Coach services. She’s the host of the Breathe Love & Magic podcast and has been featured on NBC, ABC, & Fox News, NPR, BBC, eHarmony, MSN.com, and Connecticut Magazine among others. Also, Ronnie is the author of 6 books which are available on Amazon.
Hahaa, this reminds me of my younger years: When I was in university I played soccer and our team consisted of me plus only guys. I have always felt natural around guys and have male friends. So I thought of them as my “bros”. After a game one of the guys asked me whether I liked the TV show Friends. As I like the series I said yes and he then invited me to his place to watch an episode or two and he could make dinner. Wow, a new friend who also likes Friends and offers me a free dinner, how cool! #innocentgirl Well, the evening was great in general, but towards the end of the evening, he started to attempt to cuddle with me and tried to kiss me. I made “my exit” as natural as possible, thanking for the dinner. The next day he told me he indeed had a crush on me and was disappointed that I only saw him as a buddy. So yes, based on my experience (the above plus few more during adulthood), if the guy invites you to his place for a dinner, it is highly probable that he is going to make a move.
Thanks Susan!
Oh My Gosh! Thanks for the reply, Ronnie! “See my etchings” I thought of that too LOL. I think many of us have a little voice in our brain, that tries to over-ride the little voice in our gut — “Stop over-reacting, this is perfectly innocent.” Thanks for the advice — I’m going to take it, and decline the invitation.
My predicament is slightly different, and I hope I can find some wisdom here. I met a charming, successful artist who invited me to his studio to see his work — he also mentioned making dinner. The problem is, I’m very interested in his work, but nothing more. I’m leaning towards declining the invitation entirely, to avoid any embarrassment or misunderstanding, which seems kind of too bad. Thoughts?
Dear Ms. Muddle,
There’s a very old seduction line that says, “Want to see my etchings?” which is ManSpeake for come to my house/studio so we can have sex. it’s a way to get you into a private area for mroe than viewing his artwork. Your artist friend has thrown in dinner as a bonus – another seduction technique. I wouldn’t go if I were you, but if you do, be prepared for a hasty and awkward exit.
I’m in that predicament now but I had already told him yes and then I started having second thoughts about it we went for some beers last night and had a great time he’s very affectionate and we laugh all night and he text me all day today and he wants to see me again the next night tonight and cook me dinner and ive been celbit for 3 years now please tell me how I handle this
Hi Charmain, It’s always wise ti hold off on intimacy – there’s no way to lose when you do.On the other hand, rushing into sleeping with a man might be a lot of fun, but you just never know if the guy wants more. If you’ll be upset when he doesn’t call again after intimacy, I advise waiting.
Thanks for your comment Rachel! Good for you – you handled things perfectly. And you are so right about his reaction so we’ll see right?
Thank you for this column. I have just been thrown into this predicament, and said ‘thank you, but I’d feel more comfortable going out until I know you better’. I am certain this will put him off to some degree, but I don’t care, because if it does… he definitely was not in this for the right reasons!