Let a Man Pursue You to Clear Up Dating Confusion

Let a man pursue you – that’s the #1 thing you can do get him invested in dating you. Follow his lead for the lasting loving relationship you dream of.

let a man puruse youHow To Let a Man Be a Man

Right now I have an awesome single guy as a client. In his early 50’s, Rick has shared with me the ups and downs of his love life. He felt ready to date again, but wanted to avoid some of the painful mistakes he made in past relationships. I have been very excited to guide him on this journey, as he’s a great catch.

His First Date

On his first date after starting with me, he was nervous and let the woman lead the conversation. She went down the unfortunate road of discussing past relationships and he followed her there. Then Rick noticed the energy between them diminished immediately following this conversation.

They talked about getting together again and his date said she’d let him know what was good. He told me he left the ball in her court. (Oh no – that’s a big dating mistake for a man!)

Who Should Lead the 1st Few Dates?

Let’s talk about who should lead on the first 4-8 dates. I explained to Rick about my “Ballroom Dancing Theory of Dating.” In ballroom dancing, there is only one leader – the man, and one follower – the woman. This strategy works best for the first 4-8 dates, (8 is better) depending on the couple, for so many reasons.

When you let a man pursue you and take the lead, you can observe what he’s willing to do to win you over without your prompts. This is essential to discover his interest level.

Does he take three weeks to call for a second date? Or does he ask you for a second date within three days? Obviously the quicker he gets in touch and asks you out, the greater interest he is showing. In this case, texting does NOT count – only his efforts to see you.

Don’t Take the Lead

As the woman, if you can’t handle waiting or think it’s unnecessary to let a man pursue you, you might call and ask when you can see him again. “Are you busy this weekend?” might slip out of your anxious lips. This is not a good dating strategy for women.

Can’t Take the DNA Out of Dating

Now that the genders achieved greater equality in the work place, women think it’s perfectly fine to initiate. You want to call and ask him out, be direct and say what’s on your mind or shoot the breeze.

Unfortunately dating has not caught up with equality in business. Dating is still an archaic mating ritual based on biology. Sorry to say, you can’t take the DNA out of dating – not yet.

Men Want to Win

What does that mean about DNA? See a man has hunter instincts coded into his DNA. The hunter wants to win. He enjoys setting his sights on a woman and then doing what it takes to win her over. Dating you needs to be his idea.

Once you are into the relationship (after 8 – 12 dates) then the chase is over and the communication can be more balanced. However, as the woman, if you don’t wait and try to take over pursuit, you can lose big time.

Men Don’t Like to Be Chased


Instinctively, most men (over 40) know leading is their role in dating. They know they must pursue you to win your heart. So, when you take over his role and chase him, it’s often a turn off. It destroys the sexual tension that otherwise builds between a man and a woman and can make you unattractive or push you into the friend zone.

When you chase him, he’ll no longer be guessing if you like him or not.

There’s nothing to win and no reason to strive for your attention when you serve yourself up on a silver platter. When you call or ask him out early on, you take all the challenge and mystery out of the process causing a man to lose interest.

What Makes Him Pursue You?

That’s why you want to let a man pursue you, so he gets invested in winning you over!

Making yourself too available by initiating contact or asking him out ruins the magic and eliminates the mystery. Instead of appearing independent and confident, you end up looking aggressive, needy or desperate! These are not traits men seek in a woman.

My steadfast dating advice is:


To make this even more clear, I want to share Rick’s email with me after we talked about the “Ballroom Dancing Theory of Dating.”

Rick totally understood why leaving the “ball in her court” was a passive move that would get him nowhere. This was how he tried to ward off rejection. He thought by leaving the next move up to her, he could avoid hearing her possibly say, “No” to his next invitation.

Now, Rick Gets It!

“Hi Ronnie,

I’ve been thinking a lot about the Ballroom Dance analogy and wow, that’s really powerful.

When I actually took Ballroom Dance lessons, I was really nervous and awkward at first and didn’t know what to do. Gradually, I became more confident. As my confidence grew and I had more lessons, this is what my instructor taught me.

My Job as the Man:

1) Lead – never, ever let the woman take the lead. Never. Ever. Period. This was drilled into me.

2) Make the woman feel that she is the center of attention and the most beautiful, graceful being on the planet.

3) Have a plan on the dance floor and know where you’re going – the woman usually can’t see where we are going because she’s facing backwards. It’s the man’s job to keep a woman out of trouble and on the right path in dancing.

4) Leave past mistakes in the past. You can’t do anything about them. Focus on the here and now and the immediate future, to avoid more mistakes.


Rick Filled His Dance Card

When I learned to put these concepts into place, my dance card was always full and I never sat down at a dance party. In fact, the Dance Studio I went to stopped charging me for coming to the dances because they wanted me to keep coming as I was an excellent dance partner.

So now, I’ll compare this with dating.  I am a past dance master just getting back into dancing, but I’m talking about and thinking about my past dance partners instead of dancing! I’m not leading or making the woman feel special. And I don’t have a well defined plan, and I’m not letting go of past mistakes.

If I don’t get this under control, I’ll be sitting down for most of the dances (figuratively speaking) and ruin my dating chances to find a new partner. I know what to do and how to do it.

Time to get off my duff and start leading again!”

Let a Man Pursue You!

You can only imagine how excited I was when I got this email from Rick! He had forgotten what his role was in dating AND dancing. Rick needed to step up to be the leader if he wants to find the right woman.

Finally, he could see avoiding rejection was becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy of rejection. To find love, he’d better take charge.

This is why when you meet a guy who is too nice, he has usually forgotten he is the leader. And guess what, you find him unattractive! So, you must let men be men and take the lead. Let a man pursue you.

Promise You Won’t Take the Lead

Sit back and let a man pursue you. If he calls, call him back. When you have fun, tell him at the end of the date. Just don’t call him, ask when you can see him again for at least eight dates in a row.

Give yourself the chance to find out how much a man is interested in you and what he will do, on his own, to win you over. This is the best way for understanding a man’s intention.

Let a man be a man and do the work so the sexual tension builds and he gets invested in you for a lasting, loving relationship.

Find out if you might be making any other major midlife dating mistakes with my book 7 Dire Dating Mistakes that Keep You Single






Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. So, she made a few tweaks and then dated 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late for Love to help other smart, successful women find love too! Her mission is to share her proven dating advice  and keen insights about men with women everywhere who are serious about finding love with the right man. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000’s of midlife women with her Love & Dating Coach services. She’s been featured on BBC’s 5 Live Radio, NBC, ABC, and Fox News, NPR, eHarmony, MSN.com, MORE.com, Connecticut Magazine among others around the world. An established author, you can find her 6 books on Amazon.

28 thoughts on “Let a Man Pursue You to Clear Up Dating Confusion”

  1. So I had an incredible first date (we both felt the same). He was very respectful and kept saying he just wanted me to have a good time. After the date, he texted saying, “I enjoyed your company a lot.“ Next day he texted asking how was my day etc., and I told him I had a great time with him. He was happy to hear that, it made him opened up and he told me I was so pretty. He almost felt shy and that I was so feminine it was an extra dose of beauty. We texted the following days and talked about next dates, but suddenly he stopped texting. 5 days passed and I haven’t heard from him. What happened? Did I say something I shouldn’t say?

    • Hi Confused, Sometimes men aren’t ready for a relationship, but they want to connect and communicate. Then they disappear. He might not be ready to really date, not want a relationship, was just seeking a little attention or got distracted by another woman. Impossible to day. One thing I know FOR SURE, is that it’s not about you. Don’t blame yourself (even though most women naturally do) because I doubt it was anything you said or did that pushed him away. He chose to disappear. It’s just a part of dating. Do your best to not take this personally and shake it off. Most times, when a man disappears, he is doing you a huge favor. By becoming unavailable now, you didn’t waste months or fall in love with the wrong guy. Move on and meet some new men – someone will be the right man!

  2. I met this guy once. He was extremely interested, calling & texting at least every other day. I moved away for 4 months but planned to return. We kept in touch. Since I’m older & have only been alone for 18 months, I forgot the rules & began initiating contact. As soon as I returned, he asked for a date & it was fine. But there have been long stretches with no contact & he’s gone on a 3 week trip planned long ago. If I leave all to him in the future, will this recover or should I write it off?

    • Hey Pat, Leave it all to him to see what he does. This is how you discover a man’s true interest level. If he continues to consistently pursue you upon his return – great! But if he’s spotty or disappears, then you have your answers. Usually a good rule of thumb is if a man doesn’t want to seek you at least weekly, he’s either not into you enough or not into a relationship.

  3. From the perspective of a man, this is a bewilderingly passive strategy that would probably cause me to conclude that the woman is uninterested if she expects me to put forth all of the effort.

    Of course I don’t look to be take a totally passive role myself, but I really appreciate it when outdated tradition is swept aside to clear up ambiguities.

    • Hi TK, For heterosexual people, these are NOT outmoded traditions but, coded into DNA. A man’s eyesight is better for long distance with a focus because men were the hunters. Women on the other hand have stronger peripheral vision for gathering food and watching the children. These are FACTS. There are some “modern” Beta men today who are confused about their role, so let me clear that up. If you see a woman you feel attractive to – ASK HER OUT. That is your job. The ambiguity stems from a lack of initiating or taking action on the man’s part. I’ve been doing this work for 18 years and it’s a super rare, highly unusual occasion that a relationship works out because the woman asked a man out. Once in a relationship, things definitely balance out today – that’s where the modern difference shows up most and works very well. Take action TK – women like a man who knows what he wants.

  4. Interesting to read guests post, i am left taking the lead in things and can’t decide if its putting him off or if happy with that, he certainly responds when I message and appears keen. But words are one thing…. I worry in trying to hold back will it make things worse? Would I not benefit from trying to communicate how I feel, but if so, what do I say without appearing too desperate?

    • Hi Jane, You want to read this post – stop texting him to see what happens. That’s the only way to know what you mean to him. If you stop and he doesn’t pick up the communication then he’s not into you the way you thought. Might as well find out. There’s nothing you can say to MAKE a man communicate unless he wants to so don’t even start that conversation. If you’ve been keeping the relationship alive and now he’s pulled away, it might just be time to read between the lines…

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