How do you know when self-sabotaging behavior is interfering in your love life? Watch for these telltale signs and find out what you can do.
How Does Self-Sabotage Happen?
Self-sabotaging behavior is extremely sneaky. How do you know if you’re getting in your own way and causing problems?
Self-sabotage finds a little crack in your confidence and sinks deep roots into your psyche. Then these self-defeating ideas seep into your thinking and seem unshakably true and completely reasonable.
Sometimes the sabotage is not even part of your conscious mind, but your subconscious, which is why people are often totally unaware they are working against themselves.
Here’s what happens. You are firm in your convictions about dating, love and men. True or false, these beliefs become your operating system for how you relate to the world.
You notice articles in the media that prove you are right in this way of thinking all the time. There is so much evidence that finding love again is next to IMPOSSIBLE.
Are you relating to any of this?
Signs of Self-Sabotaging Behavior
There are a number of telltale signs you might not be aware of that allow you to get between yourself and the love you dream of.
- Sometimes the idea of looking for love completely paralyzes you. You can’t imagine taking a step forward even if you like to read dating blogs and newsletters to learn about the process.
- Maybe you feel overwhelmed by the idea of dating again and turn away from this to avoid the possible unpleasantness and constant decision making required.
- Or you fall into a lot of anxiety when you do start dating, worrying about each new man and how he is likely to hurt or disappoint you just like all the rest have.
These situations ooze with distressing self-sabotaging behavior. They show you have been making your choices about love based only on fear of failure. This is the very definition of getting in your own way.
I Was a Self-Sabotage Pro!
I know all about this personally, getting in my own way for nearly 18 YEARS!
When my college boyfriend and I broke up, I was totally heartbroken. I left him because it was obvious he no longer loved me. His behavior made that very clear.
Yet, I was devastated, confused, hurt and so mad that our three year relationship came to such a painful ending. I didn’t want to feel that way again.
As a result, I did almost NOTHING to meet men and find love for 18 years! I kept myself totally safe, even though I thought I was open and looking for love.
So, I was pretty much one of the queens of self-sabotaging behavior. (There are so many of us I can’t possibly claim to be the only queen LOL.)
Years Of Avoiding Heartbreak
In my first job out of college I made lots of friends and had plenty of fun. But get this – my girlfriends and I went dancing at gay bars so the men wouldn’t bother us! I was unknowingly very serious about getting in my own way when it came to men and love.
Then I went back to school for my MBA and got my dream job in brand marketing, working my butt off to succeed and get promoted.
Every so often, I would venture out to a singles dance to meet men. A group of us would stand against the back wall and complain no one asked us to dance. As if we were doing anything to make ourselves available!
Men do not want to walk up to a bunch of women and ask one to dance.That’s too risky for them.
There were also blind dates over the years, but they were terrible – proving again there were no good men out there.
At one point, I dated my neighbor for 6 weeks but that fizzled quickly. I joined a dating service which was completely disastrous. Finally after about 14 years of living the single life, I answered a single’s ad and got my heart trounced after 4 dates with this one guy.
Then I Was Suddenly 40 and Still Single!
Unlike many of my friends, I never found a man or got married . My fear was that being single was my lot in life and I had no hope of changing my romantic status.
After spending the first few months of my 40th year feeling helpless and depressed, somehow a huge realization came to me.
One Potent Solution to Self-Sabotage
If I didn’t want to remain single, I had to look within. Clearly I was the common denominator about all of these experiences. The time arrived to ask myself what I was doing to get in my own way.
The biggest problem I discovered was my belief that there were no good men. Evidence to support this idea could be found everywhere I looked.
As it turns out, this is referred to as “The Human Condition.” You can prove your beliefs are right any time and there is a great need to be RIGHT. But that doesn’t mean they really are which is such a STRANGE aspect of life.
You can be deeply entrenched in your convictions and yet, a 180 degree change is actually completely possible and helpful!
That’s because when you shift your belief, something new can happen. You have to make a crack in your belief system to allow a new, positive belief to root and take hold.
Here are some powerful misconceptions about online dating that can get in the way too.
Getting Past the Fear
When I went on my first date in years at 40, was I afraid? You bet!
I had been working on myself to shift beliefs and open my heart when a friend called out of the blue to fix me up with this guy. She didn’t even know I was working on this and ready for love!
Going on this date was the only way I was going to find love. It was time to meet men, so I said yes to her offer to fix me up with Keith.
Granted Keith was not Mr. Right but, he was just the man I needed to get started dating again. Dating him helped me see this is just a process to get where I wanted to go – to be in love with a wonderful man who wanted to be my life partner.
I dated lots of men after Keith and I stopped seeing each one and within 15 months I met #30 – the man who is now my adorable, loving husband.
The Journey to Find Love
On the journey to find love, it’s true – some men will disappoint you or disappear. You might get hurt and choose the wrong man again.
Yet, you can LEARN what works, get smarter and feel more confident. And then just like me and so many of my clients, you can stop the self-sabotaging behavior to meet the man you’ve been waiting for all along.
If I hadn’t pushed myself out of my comfort zone and dated all those men, I would never have met my sweet husband. If I didn’t look within to understand how I was getting in my own way, I’d still be single for sure.
Being Brave Is Not about Feeling Fearless
The very definition of bravery is to feel the fear and take steps anyway. This is how you know you are ALIVE vs. just existing, by taking steps to fulfill your heart’s desire.
Now, it’s true you don’t need to have a man or a relationship. You don’t need to be married or date. You can have a wonderful, rich and satisfying life being single. No arguments from me.
But if you want love, YOU have to take the steps to find it. Look within, recognize and stop the self-sabotaging behavior, and open your heart to the love that you long for.
If you don’t know where to start, it’s worth taking a look at your possible blocks to love. Listen to this free audio program and discover where you might be getting in your own way.