OMG – is he using me? How can you tell if he really loves you or if you’re a place holder because he can’t stand being alone or without regular sex? Read on and find out what you need to know!
How to Know If He’s Using You
Has this horrible thought ever crossed your mind, “Is he using me?” I’m sure it has because there isn’t a woman alive who has been in a relationship that didn’t think that at least once.
Sometimes these thoughts are just your fears percolating into your consciousness But other times, there is something going on and you are waking up to it. But how do you know?
That’s what I’m going to explain in this post – some of the most common signs to watch for. If you are seeing several of these situations in your current relationship, it may be time to smell the coffee and realize he’s just using you.
1. He Won’t Talk about the Relationship
You’ve been together for more than 4 or 5 months and he will not talk about your “relationship”. He doesn’t like labels and doesn’t want to use traditional terms like girlfriend and boyfriend. Your guy doesn’t want to discuss the future or commitment. The subject is off limits.
There’s a reason for this – he doesn’t want to deal with that relationship stuff and related expectations because he’s not ready for a commitment or not into it with you. He doesn’t want a real relationship.
2. Your Friends Don’t Like Him
Often people close to you will catch on faster about a man who is not being honest. they can see through him because they aren’t in love with him. This means they are more objective in their ideas about your guy.
Sometimes you have one friend who just doesn’t want to see you happy or the person has a different agenda. But if more than one person in your life tries to discuss concerns about the guy you’re dating, LISTEN to what they have to say.
3. He’s Got a Bad Reputation
You’ve heard stories about your man because he’s got a reputation around town. It might be fun to date a bad boy and think you are the ONE WOMAN who can tame him. I hate to say it but I doubt it.
He earned that reputation for a reason and although I’m sure you are special, don’t count on being the person that causes him to change. The old saying goes, “A leopard doesn’t change it’s spots” and that’s 100% true!
If other signs in this list apply to your man, you may need to rethink this relationship.
4. He Sets the Schedule
For some reason, you only see him when he has time. He might have a certain schedule you need to stick to or a lot of other things to work around. So, if you want to spend time with him, you are basically at his beck and call.
This is definitely a sign that he’s not interested in being your partner. If you can’t match his availability, too bad. You deserve better treatment than that. You’ve got a life too! Don’t fall for this BS.
Is it Ok to have sex on the first date?
5. He Doesn’t Take You Out
Most of the time, you hang at your house. He’s always so busy, too tired to go out or just wants to chill with you. This might seem so romantic at first, but in time you start to wonder why you never go out.
You should wonder. Chances are he’s really cheap and doesn’t want to spend his money on you. Or worse, he can’t be seen out in public with you because he has another woman! This is an even bigger concern if you’ve never seen where he lives.
6. He’s Not Giving in Bed
Your man’s selfish ways show up often in bed. He clearly cares about his experience, but your satisfaction is not nearly as important.
You deserve to be with a man who wants to please you in bed and out of the bedroom as well. When a man is mostly interested in himself, that will take it’s toll on your own emotional state over time.
Be protective of your self-esteem and ask for your needs to be met too. If he can’t seem to accommodate you, think twice about his value in your life.
7. You Often Pay the Bill
Even though your man has a good job, somehow you often pay the bill. Maybe he forgets his wallet, forgets to pick up cash, his credit card is to the limit or things are a little tight this month.
Some men actually ask for money. Maybe he just needs a bit of cash to get him through this rough patch. And because you love him, you give it to him. But over time you start to feel like maybe he’s taking you for a ride.
I know you are a modern woman, so what’s the big deal who pays? In case you are often footing the bill and this bothers you, it’s time to question his true intentions. You think to yourself, “Is he using me?” and when you get that sense, he probably is.
8. You Haven’t Met His Peeps
Men who aren’t committed to a relationship often avoid introducing you to the important people in their life. If three months have gone by and you have met a close friend or family member, this is something that should create suspicion.
A man who wants you to be a part of his life is proud to introduce you around. He wants to show you off! In case that hasn’t happened yet, and you wonder, “Is he using me?” sorry to say that’s probably true.
Meeting a man’s friends and family is an essential benchmark of your relationship progressing to a more serious level.
9. He Never Compromises
A healthy, long-lasting relationship is based on trust, respect and honestly negotiation. when two people get together, one person isn’t going to get his or her way all the time. That’s why you need to be able to discuss situations calmly, work things out, take turns giving.
So, when a man refuses to compromise, he refuses to consider your happiness. That’s going to make staying together for the long run very hard.
He’ll be taking advantage of your good nature or fear of being left and that is a lot like being used. You deserve to be with a man who cares about your feelings and happiness and knows how to compromise when needed.
10. He Needs Lots of Favors
The point of being in a relationship is to enjoy life together and make each other’s lives a little easier and better. So, of course you’ll be doing favors for each other – that’s only natural
However, if your man often asks you to do things for him and it feel unbalanced, that should make you pause. Pick up his dry cleaning. Stop and get a pizza on the way to his house. Take his car to get detailed. Or listen to his non-stop blathering about something upsetting because he’s so needy.
You are not his personal assistant or therapist. You are the love of his life. If you constantly over-give, being super nice and hoping he’ll continue to love you, you are being used.
Don’t trade services, money, or emotional support in the hopes a man will love you. He needs to love you because of the amazing woman you are, not for services rendered.
11. He Vanishes Without Reason
Everything is going great for weeks and then suddenly, your man disappears. What the heck happened? He withdrew to his “man cave” and provided no explanation when you left. And not when he popped back into your life either.
He’ll make excuses like he had to get his head together, think about things or work got crazy. This is not the behavior of a man deeply in love.
A man who withdraws without a slid reason is a man with intimacy problems, a commitment phobe or self-absorbed. Don’t let him get away with this sort of substandard treatment.
12. You’re Not Part of His Life
Want to know, ‘Is he using me?” These are some very strong indicators that true love and committed relationship are not likely his underlying motives. If you see any of these take a hard look at what is happening between you.
He makes big decisions without talking to you about it. This might be buying a car, going on vacation with buddies or interviewing for a new job. When a man thinks of you as an integral part of his life, he wants to know what you think.
As a life partner, your man would seek out your opinion and advice on at least a few things. So, a man who keeps everything to himself and is secretive, is clearly not weaving you into his life. Instead, he keeps you separate and that is a very unfortunate sign about how he feels about you.
13. You’re Not Exclusive
I have met women who dated the same man for 5 years but never talked about if they were exclusive or not! The problem is, then it’s hard to ask because with so much time invested, you don’t want to find out he’s been seeing others.
On the other hand, I know women who will tell a man asking to fool around on the third date that they don’t sleep with a man without being exclusive. In the heat of the moment, the guy says, “Sure let’s be exclusive.”
Obviously this is a case where they guy will say anything to get what he wants. This really happens!
Exclusivity is a vital step on the way to a healthy, long-term committed relationship, if you expect monogamy. Often the man will bring this up when he’s ready to take down his profile or stop seeing other women.
However, if you’ve been dating a guy regularly for eight weeks or more and he hasn’t suggested this, you’ve got to bring it up. You will not RUIN ANYTHING by asking!
What’s His Long-Term Vision For You?
You will discover his long-term vision. He’ll tell you if he’s not ready for that or he be illusive, saying, “I need to know you better” or “I’m not really looking at other profiles”. This is smoke and mirrors covering up his unwillingness to commit.
Should he request a week or a month to think about it – fine. But If he’s over 30 and not sure, do not linger. You’ll look weak seem willing to go along with anything he wants.
Just move on. Tell him to contact you as soon as he feels ready and in the meantime, you’re going to date others to find a man who WILL commit. If you do not draw a hard line you might find yourself attached to a non-committal man and then you’ll be constantly upset about it.
Answers to the Question “Is He Using Me?”
There you have it – 13 signs he probably is using you and not thinking about you seriously or long-term. He might consider you to be a great place holder for when he does meet the right woman. or he might just want access to emotional support or sex.
Whatever the reason, none of that matters. What does matter is that you want a life partner and now you know he’s not the one. You cannot fix a man or make him do anything.
The best next step is to walk away with dignity, heal, then find another man with greater promise for the lasting love you’ve dreamed of.
On a rare occasion, when you walk away, a man realizes what he lost and comes back willing to be serious.
Once in a while, an ultimatum can work, but it’s extremely risky. And, you must be willing to walk away for good. Otherwise you end up with no power and man who can walk all over you and WILL.
I’m Finally On The Right Path!
“Before I started working with Ronnie, I struggled with my outlook and mindset about finding love. I had difficulties meeting men and even having eye contact. Dating was so stressful.
Ronnie helped me gain confidence, gave me coping strategies and made it easier to understand what works today. I can see so much of what goes wrong has nothing to do with me. Now I believe with all my heart that I’m finally on the right path to meet my husband!” – Amanda from Alaska.
Sometimes you just can’t see the signs yourself. If you have a habit of picking the wrong men or aren’t sure how to know, let’s chat. Schedule your complimentary call here and fill out the application to tell me a little about yourself.
Let’s discover together how coaching can help you find the love you deserve.
Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. She put her skills from personal development and her spiritual path to work, dating 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to manifesting and midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late to help smart, successful women find love or live an empowered and magical life. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000s of midlife women with her Love & Magical Life Coach services. She’s the host of the Breathe Love & Magic podcast and has been featured on NBC, ABC, & Fox News, NPR, BBC, eHarmony, MSN.com, and Connecticut Magazine among others. Also, Ronnie is the author of 6 books which are available on Amazon.
Well this article really hit home for me. Unfortunately I let things go for way too long. The biggest one was I don’t know where he lives. There is distance between us so it’s been mostly texting. I met him a year and a half ago and once again 4 weeks ago. Talk about being stupid. Oh well live and learn. Sad because I wanted to believe all his crap. Kicked to the curb…..
Hi Rebecca, Live and learn is correct. Before you didn’t know but now you are so much wiser! Don’t be too hard on yourself. Making mistakes if often the only way to learn something. My hope is you won’t fall for what sounds good again, but will rely on facts. When a man is hiding something, doesn’t communicate consistently, or can’t see you often, there is ALWAYS a reason that usually means he’s not serious about you or has anther woman.
Thanks for this article. My girlfriend indicated he was not interested in me as a partner only a friend. He always talk about the number of ladies he has been with. Nor have we met in person. He would call me when he is driving to or from home. We have not been on a date. I feel after reading the articles, he like me but not to have a relationship. He said he was scared of me. I asked him to explain and he said 1) I’m a few years older which he likes 2) we are just alike, and 3) he thinks I could be a lot of fun. Its time to move on…would you agree?
Hi Janice – Yes I agree. Time to move on. who needs a man who brags about other women? Is it even true? Doubtful. How can you be alike when he doesn’t know you? I don’t believe men are afraid – this is an excuse. And if by some chance it is true, then he’s not a relationship ready man or emotionally available. Either way, you’re better off looking for someone new who wants a relationship. See how smart you are! Wishing you love Janice.
Curious as to the best way to behave if, for ex, you are being used for emotional support or as a friend. Let’s say the guy texts articles he thinks you’re into during the day and calls every night, & texts good morning and good night.The easiest thing to do is totally ignore him and move on. But, say, he’s also asking you out once a week but, again, there’s enough signs (not meeting family after 3 mos), etc, that you think there’s at least a 50-50 chance you are just a buddy. (Thinking that because I’ve called him my BF, he’s never done the same, & we used to see each other fri and sat but now its just sat– this to me indicates he’s cooled off.) If you know for sure there’s nothing there,it’s easy to cut off. but what to do if you are still wondering. if i stop taking his calls, wont it send a clear message?
Hi Confused, You didn’t tell me if you’ve kissed or been physical. If not, then you are just friends. Seeing him less is a sign of cooling off – agreed. The real truth is, if you are wondering and asking me, you probably already know in your heart he’s not the one. Seeing him once a week for three months is more like you are a place holder than a love interest for him. Instead of wondering about him, why not think about what YOU WANT. Is this how you want to be treated by a man you are interested in? I would think not and that is really all the clarity you need to let him go. Then move on to find a man who wants to spend time with you and meets your needs. Go for the real thing girlfriend- this guy is not showing you the love!