Asking yourself is he really too busy or just not interested in me? That’s a clear sign and you can find out what this hurtful and confusing behavior means in this blog post.
“Dear Love Coach Ronnie,
I always seem to meet guys that play the “I’m busy” card before they are willing to hang out in person more than once or twice. And that makes me curious – is he really too busy or just not interested? Recently, I met a guy online and we met face-to-face after a week of chatting. We had a great time and texted every day after.
We met a 2nd time a week later. He said he had a great time and suggested that we meet again. After the second date, he went out of town to visit family for the weekend, then he would suggest plans, but not follow through. His work schedule this past month was weekends, but is off in the middle of the week. The texts got shorter, and he didn’t respond to my texts.
I finally confronted him and he said, “It’s not the best time as I’m busy with work and too tired to invest in someone after work.” I told him I knew that was not 100% true, and he said there was no one else. Yet, he’s active on Bumble all day.
He’s Too Busy To Make Time For Me
He then added I was “forcing it” which I don’t entirely believe. I texted minimally and I don’t understand the issue in texting once a day since we are on opposite work schedules.
I feel like I am in constant competition with the other females online. I can never spend time with someone more than once or twice because I feel like I’m losing to the other females online … They get more conversation while men claim they are “too busy” to text me or see me again in person.
Please help me understand what this is about.
Is He Really Busy Or Avoiding Me?
So you feel there are too many competitors – other women who somehow swoop in and take over your chance with a man? I can see how that would make you feel badly and wonder why they have better luck.
Let me start by saying I see two very different reasons why you might be having this problem. One is a mindset issue that can sabotage your dating efforts from the inside. The second is a practical dating error which I will explain below as well.
Feeling Competitive Sabotages Dating
Thinking that you can’t compete puts you immediately at a disadvantage – from a MINDSET perspective. Who are these mysterious women getting the attention of the men you are dating?
Yes there are plenty of other women out there. But, you want to see yourself as a unique and truly wonderful woman who is a great catch. The RIGHT MAN will see who you are and be drawn to you. So, any man who seems interested at first but pulls away, is actually disqualifying himself as the RIGHT man.
The point of dating is to get to know a guy to see if he has genuine potential for long term love. The men you are meeting clearly do not have what it takes. They have a couple of dates and move on. Perhaps they aren’t ready for the real thing or you aren’t the right woman for them. That doesn’t mean you aren’t a great catch. You ARE for the right man.
How Confident Women Handle Competition
A confident woman who feels good about herself and understands how this works, knows the right man is still out there. She doesn’t worry about other women because she knows she’s a quality catch. So, she shakes off a man’s brush off and moves on to continue the search for “The One.”
However when you focus on how other women are getting the men and you are not, you chip away at your self-esteem. Dating can be brutal on your confidence if you take this personally. The more you focus on how other women are winning out over you, the more this will be true.
The problem is that’s a mindset that drags you down vs. builds you up.
I work with my private clients to build strong self-esteem every day. Feeling good about yourself is essential to attracting a quality man. So my dating advice here is to do what you can to build up more confidence about who you are as a woman.
Review Your Dating Skills
Now let’s take a look at the more practical aspect of this dating problem. When man after man doesn’t want to have more than one or two dates with you, that’s a sign for sure. It’s a sign to look at your dating skills to discover if you might be doing anything that chases them away.
This last man said you were “forcing it.” But you disagree with him. I think it’s worth looking at more deeply. What did he mean by “forcing it?” As a dating coach for 16 years, I think he’s pointing to your daily texting.
Stop Texting Him Daily
You said it doesn’t seem like a big deal to stay in touch daily with a man who has a busy schedule. BUT IT IS. The reason men don’t like this is because you are assuming you have a right to be part of his daily life. So, as it turns out, you are INVADING HIS SPACE which is what he means by “forcing it.”
This idea of daily texting would make more sense if you’ve had six dates or more. But, you are just starting to get to know a man when you’ve only had a date or two. Daily contact is a PRIVILEGE you have not yet been awarded.
The flip side of this is also true. Plenty of men text all the time and never ask for a date. But that is his choice and you get to choose to respond or not. As the woman you need to decide if you want to invest in texting a man for days, weeks and months without ever meeting.
Usually the man hasn’t earned the right to daily contact with you either. He hasn’t qualified himself as worthy of taking up your time because he’s made no effort to see you.
Yet, women take his texting as a sign a man is really interested which sadly IT’S NOT. They text away, building a virtual relationship and thinking they have a strong connection. Without dates in real life, there is nothing real about it.
Dating Is Like Playing Chess
Dating requires strategy because it’s like playing chess. You can’t get around this game. It’s just how it is, so learn to accept it and how to play to win. Women who fight this tend to stay single.
I know you don’t want to play games, but this isn’t about manipulation or being underhanded. It’s similar to office politics. You can’t get around that either – you have to learn to deal with it. These are the facts of life.
This is why I strongly urge women NOT to initiate anything for at least 4-6 dates to gauge his real interest. Does he make time to see you? Reach out to get to know you and build a connection? If you do this for him and initiate to stay in touch, you are shooting yourself in the foot for two reasons:
- You can’t judge his interest if you don’t wait to see what he would do without you nudging him
- You invade his space, eliminating all sexual tension and making yourself too available
Men still like a bit of mystery and a chase. Most men want dating you to be his idea. You can flirt and be friendly, but do not pursue. You can ask a guy out once, but never more or he could take advantage of you or lose interest because he KNOWS you like him more than he likes you. See how that works? You risk turning men off when you initiate.
Is He Really Too Busy Or Just Not Interested?
On a rare occasion a man who says he’s busy actually is. And that can be a sign he’s not making your relationship a priority. You get to decide if being second fiddle to his work or whatever is keeping him busy is OK with you.
Most often this is “Man Speak” meaning, “I’m not just not interested enough.” This is how he disqualifies himself as the right man for you. The right man would never put you off. He’d want to spend time with you and get to know you better.
Date More Than One Man at a Time
Now for some serious strategy to help you get past this focus on daily texting before you are in a relationship. Let me ask you a question… Do you date only one man at a time to see where it goes? That’s the problem!
When you are still dating around to see if you can find a man you click with, you have no way to know who will work out. You could have a great first date and never hear from the guy again. Happens all the time. You might have a few dates and then he ghosts.
Want to know the best solution for your question is he really too busy or just not interested? Date several men who have potential at the same time. Don’t worry, this rarely gets to be a problem because so many drift off. And some never even get around to asking you out.
Dating more than one man at a time KEEPS YOU FROM OVER-FOCUSING ON ONE GUY before you know he is worthy of that much attention. You won’t get attached, hang on to his every text or wait around for him because you’ll be BUSY TOO.
So there you have it – tons of insight about your question – is he really too busy or just not interested? He might be busy, but chances are he doesn’t care enough about you or dating right now to make him worth your time.
The most important piece here, however, is about your mindset. Building up your confidence is ESSENTIAL so that you can handle rejection better and definitely avoid getting prematurely attached to a man who will never deliver as your boyfriend.
Wishing you love,
If you want to learn how to build confidence which by the way men find very appealing in a woman, why not apply for a free session to talk about how dating coaching might help you find the love you want faster.