You think, “I want to meet him in person,” but it doesn’t happen. What’s going on with men who hold off and how can you change this?
You Want Him To Meet You In Person
Are you texting and talking to a man for weeks or months, but can’t seem to get him to meet you in person? You think, “I want to meet you,” and wonder why it’s not happening.
This is such a common problem. Many women have been in this frustrating, no-win situation. My clients always want to understand why this occurs and feel attached to the men they’ve gotten to know by phone and text. Often, the only thing they can think about is, “I want to meet him in person!”
Below, I share my dating advice with a woman who wrote about this very issue. She knows this situation isn’t good for her and wants help disengaging.
Should I End This Relationship?
“Dear Love Coach Ronnie,
I met this man through an online site. We have been texting and talking on the phone for six months. Several dates were planned, but canceled (due to his work and mine).
I feel comfortable talking with him and he always initiates the calls. I can tell he is a smart guy. We can talk for hours from one topic to another including sex, and he even shares his fantasy of being with me.
When I am confused or upset, he supports me through calls or texts. I want to meet him in person and he says, “I want to meet you in person too.” But he also says he prefers knowing me bit by bit, talking for hours on the phone. One day, he says, we will meet up.
I Want to Meet Him in Person
All in all, he is a nice person. But, I know that this will not be healthy in the long run. How should I tell him that this “fantasy” relationship between me and him should stop?
I feel that ignoring his calls and texts is not the proper way, since we have good relationship and respect each other.
I kindly need your advice and input, Ronnie.
Thank you so much.
Hoping to Meet Him”
Why Doesn’t He Ask Me Out?
Dear Hoping,
Let me help you with understanding men.
The first thing is that you have to realize you are NOT in a real relationship, so it’s not “good.” This virtual connection does offer you some emotional support, but will never get beyond the fantasy of romance.
The difficult truth is he is wasting your time. Don’t think for one moment this smart guy doesn’t know it. You stay because you keep thinking, “I want to meet him in person” and hope it happens someday.
Don’t you wonder why he continues to talk to you when he knows he’ll never meet you? And, “Why doesn’t he ask me out?” I bet it would help to know his true intention.
What Are His Intentions?
If you decide to talk to him about this, I guarantee he’ll say he HAS good intentions. If you say, “I want to meet you,” he’ll promise to meet you in person soon. But that will just be more meaningless words to keep you in his game.
He knows you want more, but he’s stringing you along by getting his needs met by phone. His needs include friendship, emotional support, romance, and sexual fantasy. There may be others as well.
On the other hand, you are not getting your needs met, because YOU WANT MORE. He knows this, so is he being honest or respectful with you? Not really.
Think about it logically for a moment and put your heart aside. That’s the best way to understand men. Why would a man want to talk on the phone and text for more than six months and not meet you?
Reasons Why He Keeps This Going
Reasons Why He Keeps This Going- He’s married or in a relationship but doesn’t want to cheat physically
- He doesn’t want the responsibility of a genuine relationship
- He prefers to avoid any expectations on your part
- He enjoys being totally in charge and keeping you wanting more
- He’s not emotionally available beyond phone chats
- He doesn’t look like his photo and knows you wouldn’t go for him if you saw him
- He prefers a fantasy life vs. real life because he’s maladjusted in some way
I could go on, but I’m sure you get the idea, right?
If this man wanted to date you or meet you in person, he would done so by now.
He is using you and taking advantage of your good nature for emotional support and sexual fantasy. You might think that if he’s texting and talking to you, he must like you. But that doesn’t mean he wants a genuine relationship.
Think about Yourself First, Not Him
Look at how much time you have already invested and wasted with this man, hoping he’ll meet you in person. More than six months! You’ve given your heart away to a man who will NEVER meet you, kiss you, or be HONEST with you.
Unfortunately, it’s time to acknowledge this NOW and STOP texting and talking to him. Even if you demanded, “I want to meet you now!” he wouldn’t comply.
You owe him NOTHING because you’ve given him everything. You’ve spent enough time dreaming about how I want to meet him in person. But it’s not going to happen with this man, ever.
Text with Men Who Want to Meet You
Once you start meeting men in person and going on dates, this guy will fade into the background.
And if you encounter another guy who avoids dates and you start thinking, “I want to meet him in person” that’s your signal to ditch the guy FAST and move on.
If you want to find the real thing, you can’t waste time waiting around for some man to “get ready.”
Rule of Thumb for When to Meet
A good rule of thumb for how long to give a guy to meet you in person is 7-10 days. That’s it! Any man who needs more time is not actually available.
It might be he’s not available emotionally or geographically or his life is too full for love to be a priority. Each of these situations are red flags that he’s the wrong guy, if you want lasting love.
You Deserve Real Love
I know it’s not easy to let go, but thankfully you’ve already figured out this is unhealthy.
You deserve the whole enchilada: a man who wants to spend time with you, hug and kiss you, laugh and hold hands, spend time with friends, go to dinner and make love.
If you can’t shut him off cold turkey, then text him and say, you’ve decided to move on since he won’t meet you. Then you have to be BRAVE and block him.
I guarantee he will keep after you as long as you let him. He’ll never let go of the good thing you are in his life. You have to shut it down and make yourself the priority. In this case your happiness is all that matters.
Wishing you love,
Want to learn more how to find a good man who wants lasting love? Get my Free book 5 Surefire Ways to Attract a Quality Guy
Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. She put her skills from personal development and her spiritual path to work, dating 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to manifesting and midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late to help smart, successful women find love or live an empowered and magical life. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000s of midlife women with her Love & Magical Life Coach services. She’s the host of the Breathe Love & Magic podcast and has been featured on NBC, ABC, & Fox News, NPR, BBC, eHarmony, MSN.com, and Connecticut Magazine among others. Also, Ronnie is the author of 6 books which are available on Amazon.
I’ve been talking to this guy I met online for 2 months now via text only. I’ve done my research and I am certain he is who he says. After a few weeks I realized we never talked on the phone or made plans. The conversation never had a romantic tone – it’s mainly getting to know each other. So after a month, I was ready to call it quits when he said he was going to a concert I wanted to go to. I bought tickets, told him and he seemed excited, but we weren’t seated near each other and didn’t meet. Since then we’re texting and he revealed he’s an introvert, anti-social, and has dealt with social anxiety since he was a teen. I feel like this explains why he has a hard time opening up or initiating hanging out. It’s not really in my nature to ask guys out, but do you think I should initiate a date, be patient with him and let him initiate in his own time, or at this point should I just cut my losses?
Hi Porsha, I will tell you the same thing I tell every woman who texts without dates. STOP IT. If a man doesn’t make an effort to speak with you and meet within one week, there’s a 99.9% chance he NEVER WILL. Why waste your time? I don’t care what the reasons are. The bottom line is the same – you are looking for love, not a texting buddy. Don’t text any man longer than 7 days without meeting. If a guy can’t get it together to ask you out and spend time with you, (because he’s busy, anti-social or whatever the excuse), STOP TEXTING HIM. Don’t let anyone waste your precious time. You deserve a real relationship that is face to face – not virtual reality or even talking by phone. Value yourself enough and believe in love to know there is a good man out there who wants to spend time with you.
Hi Ronnie, I met a guy on a dating site 5 months ago and we got on like a house on fire, but we only messaged or called. I asked for a video call and he agreed, but when I started one, he wouldn’t turn his camera on. I’ve checked him out on FB and LinkedIn and he’s definitely who he says he is. We made arrangements to meet 3 times. The first two , we got to four days before the date and he either ghosted or said he needed ‘space’. He’d disappear for 3 weeks before getting in touch again with no explanation other than ‘busy’. He told me to stop asking him about meeting and he’d meet when ready. He instigated our third attempt, then needed space and disappeared again. I’m so confused. When I ask him, he’s insistent he wants to meet me. He said he surely wouldn’t spend all this time messaging me and calling if he didn’t intend to meet me. The frustration is awful, as well as not knowing whether to hang on a bit longer or not. Any advice would be gratefully received!
Hi Jane, My apologies for my directness but…There’s only one answer to this – BLOCK HIM NOW so he can’t reappear again with his lies and excuses. He has NO INTENTION of ever meeting you or he would have done so already. It’s been 5 months, how long will you wait? The truth is, if a man can’t meet you in 7-10 days, he doesn’t want to meet or isn’t making finding love a priority. Either way, that’s a man you don’t want to bother with if you’re seeking love. It’s time to look within to call up your own value and self-worth. If you felt really good about yourself, you’d blow past this guy and look for a man who is available and real. This guy has already shown you what an unreliable liar he is. Let him go for your own sanity and self-respect. There is NO HOPE for HIM. NONE.
Hello, I found a cute guy who seems to be the one I been looking for and he said the same about me . We started texting then he gave me his phone number. We texted all day long. His work is really demanding. We talked over the phone and he always sends me messages and shown me that he cares. I asked him a few days ago if is he really interested and will we ever meet. He told me he didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable and is there for me when I’m ready. I thought he was different. He said maybe this weekend will meet but now we have a flood in Michigan due the rain and he works for a big towing company. He said I like you a lot and really want to see you. I said that’s going to happen maybe in 2025. Long story short, he said that he has to work this weekend. I really like him a lot but now reading this, it’s confirming what you suspect, that he is wasting my time. I’m going to be 50 next year and feel like completely dumb ass. I’m struggling to cut him off – what a joke!
Hi Ana, Don’t be so hard on yourself. You didn’t know about this kind of behavior, but you had suspicions, so you looked it up and found this post. Now you know. That’s what learning is all about.
Your next move is to cut him off. He is not capable of a real relationship, already in a relationship with another woman so he can’t meet you, or just likes the fantasy. When you look at this on a factual basis, that can help dissolve your own fantasies about him.
In the future, I hope you operate from a place where texting and talking without meeting lasts only 7 days. If a man can’t meet within a week, he’s not serious about you, dating, or love. This boundary of one week is how you learn to value yourself. You are worthy of a man who is relationship ready, therefore will do what he must to make a date to meet you.
Don’t accept any excuses. Or if a guy says he’s traveling for work or going on vacation, don’t keep texting while he’s away. Tell him to get back to you when he’s ready to meet you. This helps keep you from getting prematurely attached. You’ll get the hang of it, don’t worry, now that your eyes are open.
I have been messaging a guy via text for the past 2 months. We message each other everyday, and share funny comments and stuff. He always makes comments like, oh we should do this, or we should watch this show together. But he has not once made plans to meet me. I’ve asked him at least 3-4 times – want to hang out this weekend? Want to go get ice cream? these being separate occasions. He never commits, always says maybe and then never takes the initiative. And yet he always makes fantasy future plans about watching a show together. I don’t know what’s going on, but I’ve never had to ask a guy out so many times. We still have not met. I really like this guy but maybe I should give up?
Hi Stephanie, He’s not interested in more than the fantasy. Chances are he’s married or in a relationship and you are providing variety without real cheating. Texting even several times a day is meaningless and likely keeping him from feeling bored or creating excitement. It’s NOT a show of genuine interest.
Never ask a guy out more than once. Either a man jumps at the chance or its his loss! Its time to build up your self-worth so you can see this guy is yanking your chain and stringing you along. Don’t allow this anymore – BLOCK HIM. My hope for you is that you never text more than 7 days with any man for any reason without meeting him. If a guy can’t meet you in a week, MOVE ON because that is a man who is not serious about finding love or maybe you. No excuses.
Oh my god.. literally my story.. I am also in this kind of situationship where he doesn’t stop talking to me or ask about my day but didn’t meet me. Then after 6 months I decided to ask him directly does he want to proceed with me because I found him from matrimonial site. And my guess was right, he said NO..
But still he keeps talking to me because I am too nice that I can’t block him or reject his texts..
Hey Pompano, Forgot NICE! What is that doing for you? Love yourself and respect yourself enough to BLOCK him for good and be done. Don’t give away your power because you feel compelled to be nice. What does he do for you but, waste your time? Girl, get over it! Be bold, stick up for yourself and BLOCK HIM RIGHT NOW. I see no reason why he deserves anything more. I hope you do it, for your own self-respect.
Hi Ronnie, I met Mr A via dating app 3 years ago. The first time we meet up, we have sex and it was intense and wonderful. I do feel he likes me during that time and I did push for an exclusive relationship. Few months down the road, we have sex again and then he ghosted me when I last texted. I deleted his number and try to move on. Never go into any relationship after that. Later on I discovered he chosen another lady. Then on New Years he texted me HNY and mentioned he thinks about me. We started to text on and off. Most of the time I initiated the contact and most of the time we are talking about sex. He used to flirt a lot with me but now we talk a lot on sex. Last week he called and asked me over to his place and I said no as I don’t want to be like a doormat like 3 years ago. Since then, we stopped texting. I still like him but I don’t want to be his doormat anymore. I want to start things afresh so he could see me more in person and I can be attracted to him not only via sex. Kindly advise what should I do as he is finally single again and I hope to work things out with him and not miss the chance. Thank you.
Hi Melody, I’m sorry to say there’s no way to start over with this man because once you are in a sexual relationship, that’s it. This man is only interested in sex with you – he’s made that obvious in his texting, and his invitation which you rejected. The only thing you can do is move on. When you meet new men, don’t talk or text about sex, or have sex for at least 5-6 dates. Wait until there is consistency, seeing each other at least once a week for several weeks in a row. That’s how you will know if a man is interested in more than sex with you. This helps weed out the men who only want sex because often they won’t wait around. There’s nothing wrong with having sex, it’s just that if you want more of a relationship, it helps to hold off.
It’s been 3.5 months since I met this guy. He’d been emailing me…not even a phone call. I asked why he doesn’t call and he said he prefers to talk in person. After 2 months he invited me over for dinner and it went fine. The 3rd time we had dinner we slept together. Then back to emailing. He knows I’m looking for a relationship and no FWB. He clearly is talking to someone else as well bc when I asked if he’s dating others he gave a real non-answer. He shares intimate thoughts and struggles. We talked on the phone twice for hours. Even after I expressed my feelings, he has not shown much affection or expressed feelings other than he appreciates me. He says he hates his job and says he can’t be his best self until he figures it out. What do I do? I feel like I should give him space but he always texts me after a day or two. We’ve become close but I don’t know….is he taking it slow, trying to friendzone me, doesn’t want to be with me….thanks.
Hi Antoinette, Sounds to me like he’s happy to lean on you for emotional support but doesn’t provide much to you. Since you already expressed your feelings and he didn’t admit to the same, that let’s you know he DOESN’T FEEL THE SAME AS YOU DO. Giving him space will not change this. And in a way he’s told you until he settles his job situation he doesn’t want a relationship. Even if you could see him now, that doesn’t mean he’d say he loves you. If he’s not creating the kind of relationship you want and doesn’t return your feelings, why are you hanging in there? It’s time for you to evaluate if he meets YOUR needs. Sounds to me like he doesn’t. Then you make your decision accordingly. This ball is in your court.
Hi Ronnie, I’ve been texting this guy for 8 months now. We went out on a date once after 6 months and haven’t been out since. I mentioned we should go out again sometime but, he has always said “We’ll see”. Before going out, we flirted a lot but also had deep conversations. In the beginning i did not have feelings for him because I was just texting and assumed it would die out soon. It didn’t and we still text each other. Then I started having feelings for him. After going out with him, I felt a change with him. We kind of stopped flirting, he now texts whenever he feels like it. The annoying part is that I know he is on his phone because he sends me a post on instagram or snapchat. I have called him out before about it and all he will say is “lmaoo”. I want to meet him again and I’m tired of putting in a lot more effort and valuing him when I don’t get the same energy in return. I am now confused whether he even wants me or he’s not ready to admit he has feelings for me or if lost feelings for me. I really need help because I am confused of what he wants.
Hi Nani, I hate to say this but he doesn’t want to date you or have a a relationship. He met you once but it took 6 MONTHS. You’ll likely never see him again. If he wanted to see you, he’d agree to a date, not write LMAO which is quite rude. I agree, why are you working so hard to value him when he doesn’t value you? His texts mean nothing without dating you. Even deep conversations don’t mean he loves you. Sadly, you have wasted enough time on this man. The solution is to STOP texting him and block him so you can move on. I hope you can let go. Then meet local men and text only 7 days – if a man can’t go on a date in that time, try others so you can find a man who wants to meet, date and have a lasting relationship. Texting alone will never lead there.
Hi Ronnie. I have the exact same problem. There’s a guy I met about a year back online. We live in the same city and country just under an hour away from each other. We’ve spoken a lot, have a great connection but he never wants to meet up with me. He keeps saying we will make a plan soon. We have flirted a lot, both communicated how we feel but he doesn’t want to meet up. It’s been about 9 months that I have known him. The thing is- I did cut him off as I realized he has no respect for me & how I feel. We went two months without speaking; when randomly I received a message saying he misses me. Funnily enough, he blocked me and then unblocked me. He kept doing that. I don’t understand why am I never good enough for him to meet up with? What is it that I keep doing wrong? Like why string me along? But I understand what you’ve said in this blog about meeting his needs met via text. I’ve felt really pathetic with this guy because he didn’t even want to send me voice note or even have a conversation on the phone. We spoke once. I know- I’m an idiot.
Hi Cam, Don’t say that about yourself! This has nothing to do with you not being good enough and EVERYTHING to do with you THINKING THAT WAY. When you think you’re not good enough, you try to get validation from a man who is out for himself. A man who doesn’t want a relationship and just wants to play games with women’s heads and hearts. He is not a quality person, so you don’t need this kind of validation and sadly you’ll never get it!
The validation of who you are that you need COMES FROM WITHIN. Knowing you are not only good enough, but fabulous and he is the IDIOT for not seeing that – that’s how you turn this around! It will take a little practice thinking this way, but you can do it! Read this post about how to make a man chase you – it won’t work on men who aren’t interested, but you don’t want them anyway. It will work on men who are high value and seek a relationship with a fabulous woman.
You might also want to read this post on your love mindset and how it can get in the way. Mindset can be learned and practiced, so take this on and learn to shine! You deserve love Cam, but not with that bozo. No one deserves poor treatment except a man like that who is just leading you on for the fun of it.