Dating Over 40: I Spy?

– Are you the jealous type? 
– Have you been known to google your date?
– Do you start worrying right away if the person you are dating is seeing others? 
– Do you check your date’s profile  for recent activity?

If you have done these things on occasion, well, you’re human.  But if you find yourself checking in on a consistent basis – oh oh.  You may have spy tendencies.  That’s not good.  Not good for you, not good for your date either.

Jealously can be a huge problem. It can often stem from a lack of self-confidence or unhappy past experiences.  But if you aren’t careful, you may 1) drive your date away or worse 2) drive yourself crazy!

Some people don’t start the spy routine during dating, but find themselves irrepressibly drawn to it once in the relationship.  This might include looking at bills that happen to be lying around on the table, checking emails, looking at the cell phone log, etc.  None of this is good because it can create and reinforce mistrust.  That can be a deep hole that’s hard to climb out of.

This has become a temptation today more than ever with all the technology available.  The Internet has taken our curiosity and sometimes transforms it into something more.  From checking a myspace page to looking in the computer’s cache, there is a trail to follow if you’re so inclined. The same is true for cell phones and caller ID – there are many ways to keep track of behavior.

So what’s a spy to do?  If you have a concern on occasion, and its based on evidence or someone getting caught in a lie, then address it directly with your partner.  But if this is a habit you can’t seem to kick, then may I suggest my favorite method for quickly shaking a bad habit  – DISTRACTION!

Come up with a list of at least five things you can do to distract yourself when the urge to spy gets overwhelming. Perhaps you call a friend, go for a walk, read a book, watch TV, hit the gym, do a little retail therapy. There are so many distractions in life – take advantage of them!

Of course, you may want to do some longer term work like talking with a professional if this habit has been a destructive force in your life.  But I’ll leave that up to you. Don’t ruin your relationships with spying.  Take steps now to shift this behavior  – there are much more pleasant ways to pass the day.

Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. She put her skills from personal development and her spiritual path to work, dating 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to manifesting and midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late to help smart, successful women find love or live an empowered and magical life. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000s of midlife women with her Love & Magical Life Coach services. She’s the host of the Breathe Love & Magic podcast and has been featured on NBC, ABC, & Fox News, NPR, BBC, eHarmony,, and Connecticut Magazine among others. Also, Ronnie is the author of 6 books which are available on Amazon.

3 thoughts on “Dating Over 40: I Spy?”

  1. Yes, I do agree that life and relationships can’t be looked at as just black or white. The gray area is where most people live. However, I thank my lucky stars that I’m not part of the rich or famous – for those people so often under a microscope, life and love are very hard. They have much more to deal with and I for one am happy to be just a regular Jo-Ann, so to speak.

    I have found that most people make what they feel are the best choices they can. It’s not for me to judge. But I can say when looking for a monogamous, lasting, healthy relationship, having a “part” of a successful man will likely leave a woman feeling unhappy and unsatisfied in the long run.

  2. You women seem to know of a cache of decent men. Too bad there are not enough to go around.
    I expect that most men will cheat, even the “nice” guys. It’s all about what is most important to you. Look at Jackie, and indeed, Rose Kennedy. These women deemed it worth it to be married to men that were sexy,successful, and interesting. Yet, Joe and Jack Kennedy were known serial cheaters.

    When I am being brutally honest with myself, I admit I would rather have *part* of a man who is successful, attractive, and sexually attractive to me than *all* of a guy who is *nice*, and *available*, but utterly boring and passionless. I guess it all depends on your priorities. Most, if not all men who are available after age 40 are so for good reason.

    Just my humble opinion. But then again, I think that settling is death….far worse than going for an unavailable man.
    Maybe Ronnie and Terry lucked out and beat the odds. If so, lucky them. Maybe the rest of us aren’t so lucky, and take the best of what we can get.

    Things are not always black and white.

  3. I couldn’t agree more, Ronnie. If I caught a guy spying on me, I’d lose respect for him (I wouldn’t be flattered by his jealousy, that’s for sure).

    My husband has two friends who’ve busted their wives checking their cell phones to see who they’ve been on the phone with. Both are decent, faithful guys, but the constant surveillance is getting old.


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