I Don’t Want to Chase Him, But He Doesn’t Initiate!

Don’t Chase Men

Dear Ronnie the Dating Coach for Women over 40,

I have an interest for this guy who also works for the same company, but in a different building. He’s tall, dark and handsome, just the way I like them. The only thing is, he is really shy. We have gone for coffee and it went well, but I don’t think he is looking for the same thing I am.

I want a relationship and marriage. I don’t know what he thinks of me and I am not sure he likes me or finds me attractive. I am curvy and sometimes men don’t like that. So, my question is, how do I get to know how he feels or what he thinks without scaring him? I don’t want to chase him like I’ve done in the past with other guys. But, it seems that if I don’t initiate an email or phone call, I never hear from him.

Tired of Waiting in WA

Hi Tired of Waiting,

As a dating coach for women, I share my insights and knowledge collected from 9 years doing this work, reading everything in sight and working with thousands of people. It is from this place that I can tell you, if a man is interested, if he likes you , if he wants to date you, he will do what is necessary to make that happen.

In other words, there is really nothing you can do to find out if Mr. AtWork likes you. Truth is, there is nothing going on. If he wanted to date you, he would pursue you. It’s that simple. Yes, there are shy men, but they also know what to do. Like Greg Berhandt says in his best selling book, “He’s just not that into you.”

He is probably a nice guy, so when you text or call, he does respond. But he never takes up the initiative or starts anything on his own. This is your clear signal to move on.

Since you went for coffee with him, and he hasn’t followed up, I recommend moving on. Look to connect with other men who are more motivated to date, more interested in you, or BOTH!

There are so many great single guys out there. Build up your flirting skills, smile and be friendly. Men are everywhere and there is definitely more than one good man who will find you attractive and be a good match. Please don’t waste time on the wrong guy.

Wishing you love,


Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. So, she made a few tweaks and then dated 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late for Love to help other smart, successful women find love too! Her mission is to share her proven dating advice  and keen insights about men with women everywhere who are serious about finding love with the right man. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000’s of midlife women with her Love & Dating Coach services. She’s been featured on BBC’s 5 Live Radio, NBC, ABC, and Fox News, NPR, eHarmony, MSN.com, MORE.com, Connecticut Magazine among others around the world. An established author, you can find her 6 books on Amazon.

22 thoughts on “I Don’t Want to Chase Him, But He Doesn’t Initiate!”

  1. I have known this man for 17 years. We are both in the military and have never been stationed near each other except our first duty 17 years ago. I moved to a new base only 45 minutes away from his. He initially reached out to me, but is more the silent type. Now that we are considering dating…or getting acquainted, I text more and initiate 90% of the time and he responds 90%. I get that he is busy. At one point he said we needed a break, because I got angry about him wasting my time. He said I overreacted. I gave the break a shot for as long as I could, then I said I am moving on with my life and never to be in touch with me again. He said he needed a break to focus on work that was all. I flirt with and talk to other guys, but he is the one I care for. As I am typing, I feel like throwing in the towel and pursuing happiness elsewhere. I do the most and don’t get back the same level of affection. We lack basic fundamentals to keep this up. For one, I am over it…today.

    • Hi Travel, A healthy relationship requires a balance of power and effort. He’s not doing his part and wanted to take a break. There are no breaks. If a person wants a break from the relationship, that tells you immediately you are not important or a priority. Your instincts are perfect here. The bottom line is you are still only communicating, not dating and he can’t handle it. That tells you he’s not the right man. Yes, throw in that towel and stop chasing men. Why do all the work? If a man doesn’t initiate AT LEAST half the time, don’t bother. I also advise not getting involved in virtual relationships – if there are no dates, there is no relationship. Look for someone who shows an interest through his actions and dates, not texting, emails or calls. Talk is cheap and sadly often meaningless. You deserve a real relationship sodon’t settle for less.

  2. Hi … I really like this guy. It’s been 2 weeks . I am the one who starts the conversation but he only responds when I start it? What should I do? Should I wait or move on?

    • If he never initiates, it’s time to move on. There’s no way to make a man want to date you and he’s not showing much interest. Stop texting and let it go. If he contacts you then you can see what happens. But don’t chase men – yes texting him first all the time is chasing him.

  3. Regarding men not initiating, it may be that a woman did something to turn him off or didn’t send a clear signal that she’s interested. There’s a woman in my office I like and I see her glancing at me, discussing me with friends or even trying to make me jealous. But she told me I’m bugging her and she doesn’t want to talk to me. Yet, I overheard her complaining that I don’t make a move or ask her out.

    Due to her hostile behaviour and this being a workplace, I’m not going to make a move unless she shows me that she would like it. It doesn’t have to be something big. Maybe speaking about weather or something…

    So to other ladies reading this: Try to make a small move towards him. Smile when he talks or laugh at his jokes. He may not be initiating because he may think you dislike him. Try smiling and if he is interested, he won’t be able to resist. I know I cant resist when a woman I like smiles. I smile back automatically, because it works like some kind of drug.

    • Thanks John for your comment and insights into the male mind. I agree! I recommend all the time that women act friendly and be approachable to make it easy for men to talk to them. Thanks too for reminding women that a simple smile with eye contact goes a long way with men.

  4. This guy at work I find very attractive seems to freeze up or not say much when I come around. If i go outside for a cigarette the other guys would look at him, he would look at me, and he would come outside after I went. Hes been doing this each time he sees me go out. He just doesn’t initiate anything. I finally did because I’m getting a weird vibe from him and we had a conversation and seemed fine. I’m only asking because I’m feeling something from him and its clicking. I feel like I’m in high school with a crush it just feels good. Why else would you purposely go outside whenever I do. I need an opinion. Thanks

    • Hi Katie,
      This man might find you attractive but that doesn’t mean he’s thinking romantically. He may have a woman in his life so can’t and won’t make a move. Or he could be completely emotionally unavailable. He sounds creepy, following you out but not talking to you? Next time he does this – I’d go right back inside. Don’t let him gawk at you.

      Always trust your gut. When you get a weird vibe from a man, stay away. This is no time for a crush. The fact that feelings are stirring is a sign of how much you need male attention. It’s time to start dating. Post a profile and meet men who want to date.

      Please read about online dating safety so you can quickly spot players and scammers. My book Is He the One? on Amazon is only $3.99 and will help you identify Mr. Wrong fast. Get educated so you aren’t fooled by men who shower you with attention because just to get you into bed one time or ask for money.

  5. Hey. my friend connected me to his brother because I said he is cute.luckily he asked for my number when my friend told him I had a crush on him.so he texted me.. we talk.but he is not much of a wordy person.He texts me but he has never called me.we have never talked on phone and we have never met. yet he tells me he misses me and wants to see me.but when I tell him I go see him he says he is going to call me the next day so that he sees me,but he never calls and when he texts me ,he doesn’t apologize for not calling me or he doesn’t tell me why he didn’t call me so that we meet up,he just says hi,how are you.and texts like everything is OK and he doesn’t want to talk about it.he says he loves me but I don’t believe him.whatshould I do?

    • Hi Madina,
      Sorry to say that he’s is clearly showing you he’s not interested. He doesn’t keep his promises which means he’s not trying to win you over. He’s playing with your head and heart as he teases you about talking to you and wanting to meet you. But he does neither.

      I understand how its confusing when a man texts. You wonder, “Why would he text if he didn’t like me? But that is not the right question. Instead ask yourself, “Do I want to waste time on a man who doesn’t keep his word and makes no effort to get to know me better?” I would think not!

      STOP TEXTING HIM. His texting means nothing because he has done nothing to get to know you. You can read more about men who text and what its about here.

  6. I have been talking to a guy I met online for 3 mos now.Just met him a week ago in person.He does call and text me all the time but we have never been out on a date. He hasn’t called me for 2 days now and has sent no text.Please tell me what to do. He made a statement to me on our last phone call saying “you are very naive sometimes.” What is he telling me? Please help. I really Like this Man.

    • Hi Cyndie,
      I’m going to answer your question on the blog tomorrow but in the meantime, this post will help you understand your situation.

  7. Hi again, confused again the guy I work with now is trying to talk to me. but still seem shy a bit. he always smiles, looks at me, even tell jokes to my friends he laughs and when look at him by accident, he blushes turn away…u are correct on your respond…he usually end up places where I go at work..emmm duno…plz help. Do like him to be friends. ..but like u say so I am 2nd thought. Thanks

  8. I am confused with a guy I work with. In the beginning try to talk with him, now it’s still the same. He talks only when I ask him questions. He seems ok with other girls but with me it’s like he does not wanna talk much. Seems kinda weird, nervous, fidgeting, etc…but why does he sometimes look at me…even when I talk to another girl or guy? He doesn’t approach me I just want to know him better & maybe be friends. Don’t know what else to do without being needy, desperate, or for him to think I am trying to get with him. Is he not interested even as friends nor little more?

    • Kat, if a man isn’t interested, doesn’t try to talk to you or be your friend, why are you so interested? There’s little hope there for anything. Move on to find a man who is friendly and asks you out. Why waste time over a guy who shows no interest? Just because he watches you with others doesn’t mean he is interested. There is no way to make him interested and you will look desperate for sure. Be a confident woman who values herself so you can make new friends and can get past this.

  9. “There are so many great single guys out there. Build up your flirting skills, smile and be friendly. Men are everywhere and there is definitely more than one good man who will find you attractive and be a good match. Please don’t waste time on the wrong guy.”

    You nailed it spot on. Seriously, there are a lot of men out there. Your life shouldn’t end depending solely on one guy. All women are strong, and all women deserves not only have someone who loves them, but also to love that special someone back.

  10. Ronnie just was reading through your archives – great post as usual. Wasting time on the wrong guys is counterproductive! There are thousands of single men in our age bracket so don’t settle or waste time!


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