You want to know how to tell if a guy wants a relationship or just a hookup? Get these eight bottom line tips that help you gain clarity EVERY time.
I met a guy last August through a friend, then we connected on Instagram in March this year. We text but I mostly initiate – well he does some of the time. He was heartbroken from his past relationship which ended nine months ago.
In one month of talking he’d said he wasn’t ready for a commitment this year, but then we started texting more anyway. I initiated two phone calls and he called me once – that’s all in these four months of chatting. He has shared everything about his life with me.
He says he’d like to meet me after the pandemic (he’s from another city). He also suggested a video call, but my internet connection is bad. It’s been more than a month since he last called. I’ve given him enough hints that I like him and now I’m frustrated.
How Do You Know If He Just Wants Your Body?
Two days ago he said he’d hookup with me if we both weren’t expecting anything in the long term. I kinda felt hurt after reading that. Not that I’m even thinking of long term, I just really like him. But for him to say that, I just couldn’t understand why.
He says he’s very shy and is very insecure about his looks. I’ve even told him how gorgeous he is, so that he doesn’t feel that way about himself. He also says that I’m beautiful and hasn’t connected to any woman the way he has connected with me.
What should I do? Move on or wait for him? I need help with how to tell if a guy wants a relationship or just a hookup.
Thanks so much,
I can see why you feel frustrated by your interactions with this man. But I will help you unravel what is really going on here, so you will know EXACTLY how to proceed.
He Doesn’t Want a Relationship
First and most important – this guy SAID he doesn’t want a relationship. If you were my love and dating coaching client, you’d know immediately that’s the end of the line for any man. This is the one time when you KNOW a man is telling the truth – when he says anything even remotely similar that would push you away:
- I’m not looking for a relationship
- I’m not ready for a relationship
- I’m not looking for anything serious
- I’m not looking for a relationship, but I’m happy to get to know you and see what happens
- I need space, but am happy to get to know you
This is your opportunity to NEVER go through this type of confusion again. The minute some guy utters anything close to these lines, tell him, “Thanks for letting me know,” and MOVE ON IMMEDIATELY.
He’s Emotionally Unavailable
Men who don’t want anything serious will OFTEN say, “I’ve been heartbroken.” Other similar phrases with the same meaning include:
- I’m wary of women
- I’m afraid of intimacy
- I’m afraid to get close
- I was badly hurt
- My ex was horrible, mean, crazy, etc.
- I’ve never been in love
- I’m shy and don’t have enough confidence
These comments let you know one of two things.
Option #1 – He really has been wounded. Please know you cannot help him get over anyone or prove that great women exist. If he’s wounded – he needs to heal his heart ALL BY HIMSELF.
Option #2 – Some clever men know women can be suckers for a man in pain. This is highly manipulative. He knows he can draw you into his web by telling you his sad story.
He gains your trust in this manner, so he can take advantage of your good heart and caring nature. And then have his way with you without any expectations on him. Because he’s “wounded.” Or string you along for the emotional support without any intention of taking this to the next level.
When you meet a man who claims he’s shy, hurt, or never been in love, RUN. Or expect devastating heartbreak because you’ll generously pour your heart and soul into helping him and it will lead NOWHERE.
6 More Signs He Just Wants to Hookup
Only Compliments Your Looks – Yup, that’s his focus and he’s not thinking about much more than getting into your pants. If he wanted a relationship, he’d also be interested in your mind and personality.
Mostly Texts Vs. Calls You – If he’s a big texter, but doesn’t make much effort to actually have a conversation and hear the sound of your lovely voice, he’s looking for a hookup. Men who want a relationship, want to spend time together and sleep with you.
Doesn’t Introduce You To His Peeps – If you’ve been seeing a guy for a while (2-3 months) and he hasn’t introduced you to anyone in his life, he’s not thinking long-term. You might be great to sleep with, but he doesn’t want more.
You Don’t Go On REAL Dates – Mostly your time with him is at your place or his, rather going out on dates. He might get take out or watch a movie with you, but that’s as far as things go. This is not how a quality man treats you.
It’s All At His Convenience – If seeing him is based strictly on his timing and convenience, then he’s most likely got narcissistic tendencies. Or he doesn’t worry about making you happy because he’s not serious about you anyway.
He’s Still On The Apps or Online – This doesn’t apply to you, but a man you meet via the web who won’t take down his profile after a couple of months or agree to exclusivity is not looking for a lasting relationship.
And that’s how to tell if a guy wants a relationship or just a hookup.
Don’t Text or Talk for Months Waiting for a Man
If you haven’t started dating, but are just texting or talking, even the four months you’ve invested is too long. Life is SHORT! What are you waiting for? This is why I’m not a fan of long-distance relationships. Forget this guy and look for love locally.
For more about long-distance relationship, you may want to read this.
My dating advice is to never wait for a man who won’t get serious. And with this guy, you haven’t even been on a date yet. I’m so sorry to say, it appears you’ve put your hopes on a far away love that is not going to develop.
You’re Not Thinking Long-Term?
Okay, now this bit of insight is about you. You say you aren’t thinking long-term, but you really like him. This sort of emotional conflict is very common in women. As a love and dating coach I see this ALL THE TIME and the truth of it is you aren’t being completely honest with yourself.
The truth is you DO want a relationship or you wouldn’t care about his desire for just hooking up. If you felt casual about the whole thing, none of this would bother you.
When you start to have feelings, that’s your signal you really want the whole enchilada, even if you aren’t being totally honest with yourself. Most women want a man they can trust and see often to enjoy life with, snuggle up and share the daily ups and downs. That’s normal!
Yet sadly, many women put this desire on hold, hoping a man who isn’t ready to fulfill this basic human need, will somehow come around. That if you act a certain way, are super nice, really helpful or very comforting, and extra patient, he’ll magically BECOME the man you want.
Of course this is a recipe for heartbreak and it will deliver every time.
Learn more with 7 clues he’s not thinking long-term
Date a Man Who Is Ready
You can’t always know the first time you connect, talk or meet if a guy is relationship ready. But if you watch for these signs and don’t seem them…yay! He’s likely a quality guy who is ready for lasting love.
He’ll keep in touch, see you a few times a week, ask you to be exclusive or agree to your request. And, he’ll make your happiness a priority, introduce you to friends and family, include you in his life and decisions, and at some point, tell you that he loves you. Plus, he’s consistent, thoughtful, supportive and loving.
And, that’s how you know you found a keeper! A man who wants and is READY for lasting love.
How To Tell If A Guy Wants A Relationship Or Just A Hookup
So, now you know. You know what to look for in a quality man who wants the same kind of relationship that you do. And, you now know how to spot a guy who just wants a hook up. These tips will never fool you if you put them to work.
The trick is, you have to look at any man’s potential for love in a more fact-based, rather than emotional way. His ability to be a good candidate is NOT based on your feelings for him or how much you like him. Instead it’s all in his behavior AND if he says anything aimed at pushing you away.
My dating advice to you is to stop bothering with this guy and please look locally for the love and relationship you really do want. The right man is out there, so get out there and mingle!
Ready for more about understanding men? Download a copy of my book His Mixed Signals Are So Confusing!