As a dating coach for women who are dating over 40 or dating after divorce, I hear a lot about the need for chemistry. My clients talk about instant chemistry, hot chemistry, sparks flying, etc. You get the picture and you probably have your own description of this as well.
While I agree, there has to be attraction for a relationship to work, I’m going to tell you something that you might think is absolutely sacrilegious:
Hot chemistry is not an indication of a long-lasting partner.
What? How can I say that? Because I’ve lived it myself, I’ve read a lot about this topic by the experts and I’ve spoken to thousands of people about this requirement.
Hot chemistry, that sizzling, spark flying feeling is about lust and a great sexual partner. Unfortunately, that man often doesn’t have staying power regarding relationship vs. sexual satisfaction. Think about it. Right now, take a moment to think about the hottest guys you’ve been with.
- Did those relationships last more than a few months?
- Were the guys good to you and treat you well?
- Did you fight a lot followed by hot “make up sex”?
This is nature’s trick on women. I don’t know why. The men who seem the hottest to you most often disappoint you, break your heart, and leave you wondering what happened. After all, how could a man walk away from such passion? For one thing – there’s always more passion and another woman.
Yet, you pine for Mr. Chemistry. You miss him deeply and think with chemistry like that, the relationship was “meant to be.” But, I want you to hear this message loud and clear:
When you find a relationship that is “Meant To Be”,
it continues, it’s more joyful than drama-filled, and
you bring out the best in each other.
If you had a relationship that was hot and steamy and it ended, don’t go looking for a replacement with similar qualities. Enjoy those memories and be grateful you had a good time. But, WAKE UP. Open your eyes, heart and mind to seek a good man, a man with lasting power (not just in the bedroom). Look to meet men who are compatible in all areas that are important for a healthy, loving relationship.
Such qualities include honesty, integrity, a similar view of life and the world, money and work ethic, acceptance of each other’s religious beliefs, compatible life styles, some overlapping interests, and an appreciation for each other’s sense of humor. These are indicators of long-term potential in a man and a relationship.
You know how women say a man thinks with his little head vs. his big head sometimes? Same thing goes for you! Don’t think with your vajayjay. Use your head, not just your heart and nether regions. Those two parts of you are not always the best at making decisions about love. You know this is true because you start doing foolish things you regret to keep him around way past the good times.
If you want a satisfying, long-term, loving relationship, start thinking of other qualities first besides chemistry. You can still find someone you are attracted to and have good chemistry with. It might not be the super hot, totally engulfing chemistry – but that’s when you know you are onto a man who could be a really good match for life.
Photo Credit: zhouxuan
Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. She put her skills from personal development and her spiritual path to work, dating 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to manifesting and midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late to help smart, successful women find love or live an empowered and magical life. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000s of midlife women with her Love & Magical Life Coach services. She’s the host of the Breathe Love & Magic podcast and has been featured on NBC, ABC, & Fox News, NPR, BBC, eHarmony, MSN.com, and Connecticut Magazine among others. Also, Ronnie is the author of 6 books which are available on Amazon.
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You’re so right! It doesn’t have to be either/or – either great chemistry, or none whatsoever. You can have minimal initial chemistry, and let it grow over the course of a relationship with a quality man…
You are so right on the money with this one. “Chemistry” is like a dangerous, addictive drug: relationship crack! The next time it rears its head around me, I’m going to be super careful, since the last time it led me to make dumb choices that I KNEW KNEW KNEW were not going to make me happy in the long run! Thanks for looking at this.