He won’t take down his online profile and that is driving you over the edge. Here’s why and what you need to know about understanding men.
Why Is He Still Online?
“Dear Dating Coach Ronnie,
I met a guy on Tinder when I was traveling for work. I lived in a different state and at the time didn’t think it would be more than the one date. But we kept messaging daily and caught up the next time I was back and he’s come to see me a couple of times as well.
Fast forward 10 months – he confessed he loves me and wants to try to make it work despite the odds and the distance. When we became ‘exclusive,’ we had a discussion about him still being on Tinder.
He said it was out of boredom and for validation and said he’d delete it. Turns out he hasn’t. The frequency of his communication has increased and every call ends with saying how much he loves and misses me.
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He Won’t Take Down His Online Profile
I really don’t know how to discuss this with him and wonder whether it’s because he gets bored or lonely or if it’s something more and he’s looking for someone closer. We joked about it last time I saw him. I asked why he wanted to be with me when it would be easier to find someone closer. He said he just wants to be with me and there is no one else.
I want to confront him about it, but I don’t know how. I think it would have to be when we next see each other in a few weeks so I can gauge his reaction properly. But I honestly don’t know what to believe or what I want to believe.
Holding My Breath”
Getting to Exclusivity
This is such a difficult position to be in so I understand why you feel uncomfortable. On top of this, you have already discussed exclusivity and taking down his profile. He agreed and DIDN’T DO IT! So that leaves you wondering, “Now what?”
The best way to look at this situation is to ignore his reasons for still being online. Why would I say that? The truth is IT DOESN’T MATTER WHY. If he’s bored, lonely or wants someone closer geographically, all of this shows a lack of genuine commitment to you and your relationship.
The only question that matters is how do you want to be treated? You want to be respected and he is not giving you that respect. If he keeps his profile up, how can you trust him to be faithful? Without that trust, there’s no way a long distance relationship can work. Or any relationship to be totally honest.
This man professes his love for you, yet didn’t follow through on your simple request to take down his profile. That tells you he values staying online more than making you happy. Not a good sign for your hopes of lasting love.
Words Are Not Enough
Calling you, texting, expressing his love – all of these are wonderful, but not enough for healthy, lasting love. You need a man who is committed to you and your relationship.
The man you want needs to value your love and therefore won’t do anything to mess that up. A man who keeps his word and does what he says he will, is a man you can trust.
That doesn’t describe your current guy. If he’s still looking online, that’s not a sign of commitment or exclusivity. Even if he never connects with anyone else. Something is not right there. If he’s bored, he can watch TV or go for a run.
Where Is The Relationship Going?
I do have a big question for you. Where do you see this relationship going? Are you hoping one of you will move to live with the other?
Keeping a long distance relationship going is a lot more work than when you live close by. What are your hopes? Because if you don’t see this progressing to living together or marriage, why go through all this?
How Do You Confront Him About His Profile?
Since he hasn’t taken down his online profile after saying he would, I’m not sure bringing this up in person will make a difference. And, if things don’t go your way, that could be really awkward.
The phone will be easier. Bring it up directly without prefacing the discussion with, “We have to talk.” That language puts a man on high alert.
Simply say, “10 months ago you told me you’d take your profile down, but it’s still up. That doesn’t work for me. I want to be with a man who keeps his word and focuses only on our relationship. If you want us to be exclusive, please take your profile down today.”
Why is he still on the dating sites if he cares for you?
Then don’t say another word until he speaks. Listen to how he reacts and what he says. Keep this in mind: There are NO ACCEPTABLE EXCUSES or time to think about it. The only answer he can offer is, “Yes, I will do it today.” And then he does it.
If not, how can you possibly continue with him and maintain any level of self-respect?
Stick To Your Ultimatum
However, for this to work you have to be willing to hold up your end. The last line in your question about not knowing what to believe or even what you WANT to believe is the tip off you might be wavering.
Asking him to take down the profile is an ultimatum, so you have to be willing to stop seeing him and walk away if he won’t take his profile down immediately.
You must stand behind your words just like you want him to do. Are you OK with that?
The point of the ultimatum is NOT to get him to change. He has to WANT to do that on his own.
You are just letting him know what works for you and that this is the end of the line. If he won’t take down his online profile, the relationship is over.
You deserve to be treated with honesty and respect and if you don’t get that, you need to move on.
The real purpose of an ultimatum is to do what is right for you. The way this conversation is scripted, you are giving him a choice. He can decide to get off the dating app and be with you or not. It’s up to him.
Can you stay with a man who will not stop looking for other women after all this time? You simply can’t if you truly value yourself and want to keep your dignity.
This is his chance to decide what he wants – and your chance to respond accordingly. If you don’t honor your own ultimatum, he won’t take you seriously or take down his online profile. And this lack of respect will spill into other areas of your relationship.
Stand Up for Yourself
This is how you know you are with the right man: when you are not afraid to ask for something or discuss anything that doesn’t work for you.
You cannot maintain a healthy relationship if you are unwilling to do this. When the man you’re dating is unwilling to talk things through or keep his word, he can’t be the Right Man for you.
Take the chance to ask about this and then follow through. If he’s not the guy, there are other good men out there waiting to meet a great gal like you.
Don’t put up with vague exclusivity which is actually no exclusivity. You deserve the real thing when it comes to love and a lasting, healthy, romantic relationship.
The bottom line is: if he won’t take down his online profile, you won’t be with him any more. Case closed.
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