He Texts But Doesn’t Make Plans – How to Turn that Around

You’ve been “talking” to this guy for a while and he texts but doesn’t make plans?  “Talking” to a guy means you’ve literally been talking, texting, video chatting or emailing, but NOT DATING.

Let’s change that right now!

stop texting and talking and start datingHow to Get Past Texting

Texting and talking on the phone can be lots of fun as you get to know a man. Yet, that’s not enough! You want to spend time together and see each other face-to-face.

He’s got to take that important next step to ask you out if you are going to have a genuine relationship and not a virtual one.

What’s this texting and talking behavior about anyway?

If he texts but doesn’t make plans, nothing can be more annoying. You click with this guy you met online, go back and forth for a while, but never meet him!

The texting is fun, and you feel like you’ve made a connection. That’s why it doesn’t make sense and you wonder if he’s maybe…

  • Too shy to ask you out?
  • Busy with work or other things right now?
  • Seeing other women?

You simply have no idea what the problem is. And this keeps happening with new guys too, which explains why it’s getting under your skin and driving you crazy!

You’ve asked your girlfriends what they think and get differing opinions. No one seems to know for sure.

You might have asked a guy friend why he texts but doesn’t make plans, but that didn’t help you get a clear answer either.

How to Go from “Talking” to Dating

Once and for all you just want to understand – how can you go from “talking” to dating that man?

Now, I’m not a fan of being forward or asking men out. What works best even today in this modern world of dating is to let men pursue you.

That’s the ONLY WAY you’ll know if a guy likes you.

When you ask a man out more than once, you have no way of knowing if he’s going along for the ride because you’re good enough for now. As if you’re just a placeholder until he finds someone better.

Another reason he might say yes to your invitation to go on a date is that he’s bored and this will give him something to do. Or, maybe he accepts the date because he really IS interested.

Impossible to tell the difference, right? How can you know for sure? One thing I know for sure, you CAN’T KNOW if you do the asking. That’s why I recommend never asking a man out more than once. Never.

Fewer Men Are Taking the Next Step

For some reason, there has been a noticeable shift in men today. Fewer men are taking that all-important first step – getting past “talking” and asking women out.

You can’t imagine how many emails I get from women like you who complain about how he texts but doesn’t make plans.

It’s not due to a man’s shyness. You don’t intimidate him, although I know that’s a popular theory among single women for why he doesn’t ask you out, especially the successful ones.

Many men today have been crushed by women, rejected countless times or hurt and deeply wounded. So they hang back wanting to MAKE SURE you really like them before taking that important next step to ask you out.

So, this is the ONE TIME it’s OK to take matters into your own hands. If he texts but doesn’t make plans, who will? Yeah, it might need to be you. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I am.

There are a few essential and simple guidelines to help you know exactly what to say and do. If you stick to the script I provide below, don’t veer off or try this more than once with the same guy, you’ll be good to go!

Say This to Set a Date

let's meet for coffee and see what happensIf you’re on the phone with him, (since you don’t meet men without speaking to them first, right?) the call is coming to a close and he hasn’t said anything about getting together, try this:

Say, “It’s been fun talking to you. Why don’t we get a cup of coffee (glass of wine/beer) and see if there’s any chemistry?”

Then, don’t say another word, no matter how long the pause is. This way you’ll get a feel for what he’s thinking. There are a few different ways this could go:

1. If he takes a long time to respond

That’s not a good sign. He probably wasn’t going to ever ask you out. Just wrap it up, say goodbye and look for another man. Don’t let this guy waste your precious time if he has no intentions to date you. He had his shot, he blew it, move on and do NOT look back.

2. He makes excuses

He says he has to look at his calendar or check with his ex or whatever. Excuses are not a good sign either. Now you know he’s not genuinely interested, so let him go and move on. Don’t keep texting and talking, hoping he’ll want to date you someday. He won’t.

3. If he says, “Sounds like a good idea”

Don’t stop there! Say this, “Great, when are you thinking?” This engages him in the process of setting up the date.

Don’t get off the phone without a plan. That means a day, time and place. If you end the call without a plan, you may never have one.

If he chooses a day you aren’t free, no problem. Just say, “That’s not good for me, what about Thursday at 7?” Always provide an alternative even if you have to negotiate to time further, so you have a plan.

how to get beyond texting to datingWhy Hasn’t He Texted Me Back?

Maybe you did ask him to get a cup of coffee or meet at one point, but didn’t get a response. Maybe he ignored the text completely, or that’s the place where he pulled back and drifted away. so, now you are wondering why hasn’t he texted me back?

Don’t start blaming yourself. You assume it must be something you did or said. Many women automatically start evaluating their own behavior or review every word spoken to texted. This is likely not the case at all.

There are literally a million reasons to answer, “Why he hasn’t texted me back?” And from this love and dating coach’s perspective, none of them matter.

The simple fact that he didn’t respond or suddenly stopped communicating, let’s you know, without a doubt, he’s the wrong man and not worth your time. A man truly interested would NEVER do this!

He Texts But Doesn’t Make Plans or Ask Me Out

Now you know how to move things along from texting and talking to dating that man! Don’t let his reluctance to make a plan drag on into the future. Or hang in there being nice, patient or hoping he’ll someday follow through with you.

Move on, so you can find a better man – one who wants to date you!

This is the only way to find out a guy’s true interest level. A lot of men just want to communicate to flirt and get some feminine attention, but never intend to meet.

This builds his ego, soothes his soul or allows him to feel connected to someone who cares. You are actually providing emotional support without getting the benefits of dating him.  Most women are compassionate listeners and empathetic friends.

Don’t Support Him, Hoping for Love

he texts but doesn't make plansHowever, don’t pour your heart and soul into supporting some guy who seems nice, hoping he’ll come to date and love you. That’s like bargaining for his attention, thinking…”If I’m nice and supportive, he’s got to want me.” Never trade anything for love.

Women through the ages have traded sex hoping for love or cooked meals, cleaned a man’s house, given gifts, and more.

This is not how to get a man to love you. He has to WANT a relationship with you for your dream of love to come true. You can’t lure him into it or change him to get his love. If he doesn’t want a relationship – that’s it, over and done.

Why support a man emotionally without meeting him or having dates? It might be satisfying to some degree, giving you the feeling like you’re in a relationship. BUT YOU’RE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP. It’s virtual, not REAL.

Either get him out on a date or say, “Bye-bye!” Block him if you have to because you are serious about finding love, and you won’t let some guy string you along.

If he texts but doesn’t make plans, don’t let him waste your time or wrap you around his little finger to be at his beck and call in case someday he agrees to meet you.

If You’re Serious About Finding Love

When you are serious about finding lasting love and a long-term relationship, you value yourself and your time. Knowing you are worthy of more than “talking,” you don’t get sucked in when he texts but doesn’t make plans.

You make tough decisions like cutting off a talker/texter and blocking him because you know you DESERVE MORE.

You won’t settle for anything less than a real, passionate, face-to-face relationship for an epic love that lasts and grows!


If you’re looking for more about texting and heart breaking mistakes you want to avoid, download my book 7 Deadly Sins of Texting 


Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. She put her skills from personal development and her spiritual path to work, dating 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to manifesting and midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late to help smart, successful women find love or live an empowered and magical life. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000s of midlife women with her Love & Magical Life Coach services. She’s the host of the Breathe Love & Magic podcast and has been featured on NBC, ABC, & Fox News, NPR, BBC, eHarmony, MSN.com, and Connecticut Magazine among others. Also, Ronnie is the author of 6 books which are available on Amazon.

25 thoughts on “He Texts But Doesn’t Make Plans – How to Turn that Around”

  1. I’ve been dating a guy for the last 6 weeks. Things were all going well and he was clearly interested. Now he is still texting and talking around meeting without ever actually getting a date in the diary (it is complicated by the fact we’re about to go into lockdown). My normal instinct is to give him space and see whether he actually gets something in the diary but he hasn’t. My question is whether I text him to say I don’t think this is going anywhere, to not reply at all and see if he messages again, or to continue messaging him for a week or so to see if he arranges something. My instinct is that he’s not interested so I should end it or not reply but I don’t want to prematurely end something or push him away if he just needs time

    • Hi Sam, You are on the right track – stop texting! This is not ending the relationship at all – its giving him the time to show you who he is and what he really wants. If he doesn’t connect – he’s not interested. If he texts but doesn’t set up a date, he’s not interested ENOUGH. This is the only way you can find out what you want to know – by waiting and doing nothing. And you don’t need more than a few days or one week at the outside.

      If he doesn’t take action before that, he’s not the man for you. Men who are genuinely interested do not dilly dally or string you along because they want to BE WITH YOU. This is true for all men and any relationship. Once you catch on to this strategy, you can use it with each man you date to shorten up waiting time to see what a man will do to win you over. No action in a week means move on.

  2. So my friend introduced me to this lovely guy; he’s 38 and I am 32. We are Christians which is important to both of us and that we will abstain until marriage. He is 4 hours drive from me though. We met once last month and when he dropped me home he asked if we could hang out when he comes down south. I said sure. We have been messaging since but sometimes go days without. I am not reaching out to him. Then he would reappear after a few days to check if am ok and messages constantly for a few days and off again. He is in the army so I don’t want to be unreasonable as well. Yesterday we were messaging and I said you should come down for dinner when you fancy a Sunday roast. He said he can’t do an 8 hrs round trip which I get is hard. But I just don’t know what he is doing. He is not being clear with me and I want to ask what is this about because I don’t want to waste my time investing in someone there’s no prospect. Help.

    • Hi Sonia, I say this gently but, you’ve only been on one date. You are not in a relationship and you are not even dating. You are texting which if you read this post you know means almost nothing. He is showing you that he’s not seriously interested. You invited him to visit but the distance makes it difficult. That’s why I always say DATE LOCAL. You might have your faith in common but as you can see that is not enough.

  3. So me and my ex have been texting / phoning now for 4 weeks
    ( we went no contact for 3 months he reached out and said he was sorry, he ended things with me as he went through depression state loosing one his mates, bad job ect before that things were really good between us )
    Anyways his not set any date for us to meet up. His suggested it a few times said he wants to take me for some food drinks but it hasn’t happened. I reached out to him today asking if he was well and looking after himself and if he still was up for meeting if he had changed his mind that’s fine. He said he hasn’t changed his mind and he wants to see me his just very stressed out & busy.
    Now I don’t know if this is all talk really and think perhaps I should go no contact from here and see if he will actually pull through with meeting? What you think?

    • Hi Mich, I think he’s not sure what he wants. If he doesn’t have time why did he say he wants to get together? Something about him is still unavailable, so I would forget him. Look for a new man who has time and wants a relationship. Usually going back with an ex does not work out for the same reasons you broke up originally.

  4. I connected with a guy online 2 months ago. He calls & texts daily. However, he will not make plans. He is always busy with work & adult kids. Three weeks prior he said I love you, which I thought was strange. I heard it a lot. He tells me I am special. I gave a guy a chance I am not usually attracted to.

    • Hi Jenna, There’s no point in continuing to text with him. He has shown you he’s unavailable. He has no time to date, but you are satisfying his emotional needs through text. Sounds like you want more, so time to let him go and find a man who wants a relationship. I’m not saying he’s not a good guy – but he can’t meet your needs. Make sense? I hope so. Text for one week and if a man can’t meet you in that week, move on. Save yourself a lot of time and disappointment.

  5. My question is how long do you wait to text a guy back after he has told you he wants to meet up? Okay honestly, he texted saying he wants to hook up when he is in town. Known him for awhile and we text occasionally flirting. He texted me Saturday night saying he wants to see me but I don’t want to come off as needy. I want to play it cool. Should I just wait for him to text and if I don’t hear back by Friday assume I just wasn’t a priority as he insinuated ?

    • Hi Brady, If a man you’re interested in texts you to get together, why would you wait? Don’t text back within minutes, but certainly the same day is fine. If you ignore him, he might think you aren’t interested. On the other hand, are you getting invested in a man who was clear he only wanted to hook up? Hookups don’t often turn into true romance, so if you are hoping this will become more serious, that’s a bit risky with your feelings.

  6. My question is regarding being a side chick. It’s all new to me -I’ve never been in this position. This ma,n who is one of my best friends, has become distant. He’s been in an off and on relationship for a few years. Now he’s with her and unhappy again. He wants to meet up with me and and talk about his problems. I’m fine with listening and helping him, but I get frustrated when he texts saying he will meet me, but it never happens. He doesn’t have time for me anymore. I am wondering if he is balancing his gf, me and maybe someone else. As his friend I shouldn’t be jealous, but I have been on this journey with him for many years. Not as a side chick mind u. Just a friend. We love each other and I worry I am truly falling for a man that I will never be able to trust and be with. If he does show up, do I call him out on seeing someone else and being distant? I don’t want to lose our friendship. Yes, it sounds a wild situation and not hearing from him hurts. Advice? Thank u!

    • Hi Marilyn, I’m confused too. If you are friends, then like you say, how can you be jealous? If you’ve been friends for years, why might you be falling for him now when he’s being distant? And why do you consider someone who suggests getting together and never follows through a friend? This is not how best friends or lovers treat each other. Sounds to me like you are in love with him for a long time and haven’t been honest with yourself about it. Now he’s with another woman and you fear there may be a third. What kind of man is this? My advice is to take a step back, put feelings aside and really look at what you are going through. The best thing you can do for yourself and your heart is WALK AWAY from this cheating guy who wants you to help me get over a woman he’s still seeing. That’s so selfish – never help a man get over another woman. If he’s not ready for you, find a man who is. Otherwise you could waste many more years on this man who thinks only of himself.

  7. I have been strung along by a guy – we’ve known each other for many years and he lives a few states away. He always says we’ll meet up, but then I find out he was in town to see his buddies and didn’t even tell me. I found out months after. Didn’t call him out. Why would I? We aren’t together, just best friends. I have distanced myself to save my heart, but he always texts saying he loves me. The last words from him a week ago were how he knows how we can meet up and wants to talk about it. I’ve heard anything since. He says he’ll call or we should meet, and he vanishes. He’s busy with work, and his life but cmon. Should I not text and let him come to me if he truly wants to see me? He used to live a few doors down from me years ago (how we met), and he acted that way even then. He liked his alone time even when he was single. Please help me figure this guy out !!

    • Dear Inked, The most important thing for you to understand about this relationship is that you allow him to treat you this way. While you can’t control what he does, you can STOP COMMUNICATING. And stop expecting him to be someone he’s not. He’s NOT a man who follows through on what he says. He’s stringing you along and you LET HIM DO IT. You have two choices 1) Continue to put up with it (saying anything won’t change a thing) or 2) Smarten up and block him so you can move on with your life. It’s time to recognize you have to make this decision and stand up for yourself to build self-worth. I encourage you to build your confidence and realize that you deserve better treatment and a true relationship. But that’s entirely up to you.

  8. Just found this and am hoping you can offer some advice! I have been the other woman with my male best friend for 12 years. We have blurred the lines a lot, never slept together. have met his GF and she really is awful… cruel and demeaning. Yet, he moved in with her 2 hours away from me. We have both been through a lot and so we used to text and call constantly, but that slowed down since he moved. For a year he has said how miserable he is and wants to move. He says he will call me and update me. Never does. Flirting is constant via text though. The latest – he wants to meet up and will only talk via phone. I told him I am sick of waiting around. Still no damn call. This man has said he loves me, and after all I know about his sad ugly past I do feel a connection, but I’m getting crumbs. What do I do? It’s draining.

    • Hi Sunny, While my heart goes out to you for the pain you are in, it’s time for some tough love. Why are you letting him do this to you? Why are you holding out 12 years for a man who is with another woman? YOU are in charge of your life! While he won’t be your boyfriend (and why would you want this lying cheater anyway?) you can break it off and meet a BETTER man. A man who wants to focus on you alone, love you, treat you right, see you often and build an honest, open relationship. Of course this is draining! Ditch the bum and move on to find your own man. Build your self-esteem so that you never accept crumbs again. Men who cheat often want something on the side and don’t leave the first woman. And if they do, they them move on to cheat on you! It’s time to break free to create your own, healthy life.

  9. I definitely relate to this and am having a similar issue. I met a guy online about a month ago and we’ve been going out and seeing each other pretty regularly. But it seems like this past week, he’s not as interested in spending time with me. He has been texting me everyday to say hi and chat. I’m confused about his intentions; does he just want space? Is he stringing me along? Is he really just busy? I dont want to be the one to have to ask if we can get together because then I won’t know if he really wants to or not. But I really want to figure out what the deal is. Can you help me?

    • Hi Amber, You are wise to know not to be the one to ask. The thing about understanding man is never to ask “Why is he doing this?”. Instead, think about it this way…do I want to invest my time and energy on a man who is inconsistent with me? A man who will only chat but doesn’t want to see me? My bet is no, you don’t. You want a man who makes seeing you a priority every week. You want to feel cherished, not avoided. So, it doesn’t matter why he behaves the way he does. What matters is that you know you are worthy of better treatment. The other thing you can do is pull back on responding to his texts. Sometimes a man will wake up and realize he better pay more attention to you or risk losing you.

  10. There are lots of “texting buddies” on the dating sites. They will text from morning to midnight, feigning false interest with future faking. Don’t waste precious time on these egomaniacs! They’re just bored and are texting you, while spending time and affection on their real dates. Not you.

    • Hi Grace – you are so right! That’s why I recommend not texting longer than 7 days without a date. But you could make that 4 days if he’s texting daily. Just ask if he wants to talk on the phone and see if you can get a date set up. If not, move on to find a man who actually wants to meet you.

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