You’ve been “talking” to this guy for a while and he texts but doesn’t make plans? “Talking” to a guy means you’ve literally been talking, texting, video chatting or emailing, but NOT DATING.
Let’s change that right now!
How to Get Past Texting
How to Get Past TextingTexting and talking on the phone can be lots of fun as you get to know a man. Yet, that’s not enough! You want to spend time together and see each other face-to-face.
He’s got to take that important next step to ask you out if you are going to have a genuine relationship and not a virtual one.
What’s this texting and talking behavior about anyway?
If he texts but doesn’t make plans, nothing can be more annoying. You click with this guy you met online, go back and forth for a while, but never meet him!
The texting is fun, and you feel like you’ve made a connection. That’s why it doesn’t make sense and you wonder if he’s maybe…
- Too shy to ask you out?
- Busy with work or other things right now?
- Seeing other women?
You simply have no idea what the problem is. And this keeps happening with new guys too, which explains why it’s getting under your skin and driving you crazy!
You’ve asked your girlfriends what they think and get differing opinions. No one seems to know for sure.
You might have asked a guy friend why he texts but doesn’t make plans, but that didn’t help you get a clear answer either.
How to Go from “Talking” to Dating
Once and for all you just want to understand – how can you go from “talking” to dating that man?
Now, I’m not a fan of being forward or asking men out. What works best even today in this modern world of dating is to let men pursue you.
That’s the ONLY WAY you’ll know if a guy likes you.
When you ask a man out more than once, you have no way of knowing if he’s going along for the ride because you’re good enough for now. As if you’re just a placeholder until he finds someone better.
Another reason he might say yes to your invitation to go on a date is that he’s bored and this will give him something to do. Or, maybe he accepts the date because he really IS interested.
Impossible to tell the difference, right? How can you know for sure? One thing I know for sure, you CAN’T KNOW if you do the asking. That’s why I recommend never asking a man out more than once. Never.
Fewer Men Are Taking the Next Step
For some reason, there has been a noticeable shift in men today. Fewer men are taking that all-important first step – getting past “talking” and asking women out.
You can’t imagine how many emails I get from women like you who complain about how he texts but doesn’t make plans.
It’s not due to a man’s shyness. You don’t intimidate him, although I know that’s a popular theory among single women for why he doesn’t ask you out, especially the successful ones.
Many men today have been crushed by women, rejected countless times or hurt and deeply wounded. So they hang back wanting to MAKE SURE you really like them before taking that important next step to ask you out.
So, this is the ONE TIME it’s OK to take matters into your own hands. If he texts but doesn’t make plans, who will? Yeah, it might need to be you. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I am.
There are a few essential and simple guidelines to help you know exactly what to say and do. If you stick to the script I provide below, don’t veer off or try this more than once with the same guy, you’ll be good to go!
Say This to Set a Date
If you’re on the phone with him, (since you don’t meet men without speaking to them first, right?) the call is coming to a close and he hasn’t said anything about getting together, try this:
Say, “It’s been fun talking to you. Why don’t we get a cup of coffee (glass of wine/beer) and see if there’s any chemistry?”
Then, don’t say another word, no matter how long the pause is. This way you’ll get a feel for what he’s thinking. There are a few different ways this could go:
1. If he takes a long time to respond
That’s not a good sign. He probably wasn’t going to ever ask you out. Just wrap it up, say goodbye and look for another man. Don’t let this guy waste your precious time if he has no intentions to date you. He had his shot, he blew it, move on and do NOT look back.
2. He makes excuses
He says he has to look at his calendar or check with his ex or whatever. Excuses are not a good sign either. Now you know he’s not genuinely interested, so let him go and move on. Don’t keep texting and talking, hoping he’ll want to date you someday. He won’t.
3. If he says, “Sounds like a good idea”
Don’t stop there! Say this, “Great, when are you thinking?” This engages him in the process of setting up the date.
Don’t get off the phone without a plan. That means a day, time and place. If you end the call without a plan, you may never have one.
If he chooses a day you aren’t free, no problem. Just say, “That’s not good for me, what about Thursday at 7?” Always provide an alternative even if you have to negotiate to time further, so you have a plan.
Why Hasn’t He Texted Me Back?
Why Hasn’t He Texted Me Back?Maybe you did ask him to get a cup of coffee or meet at one point, but didn’t get a response. Maybe he ignored the text completely, or that’s the place where he pulled back and drifted away. so, now you are wondering why hasn’t he texted me back?
Don’t start blaming yourself. You assume it must be something you did or said. Many women automatically start evaluating their own behavior or review every word spoken to texted. This is likely not the case at all.
There are literally a million reasons to answer, “Why he hasn’t texted me back?” And from this love and dating coach’s perspective, none of them matter.
The simple fact that he didn’t respond or suddenly stopped communicating, let’s you know, without a doubt, he’s the wrong man and not worth your time. A man truly interested would NEVER do this!
He Texts But Doesn’t Make Plans or Ask Me Out
Now you know how to move things along from texting and talking to dating that man! Don’t let his reluctance to make a plan drag on into the future. Or hang in there being nice, patient or hoping he’ll someday follow through with you.
Move on, so you can find a better man – one who wants to date you!
This is the only way to find out a guy’s true interest level. A lot of men just want to communicate to flirt and get some feminine attention, but never intend to meet.
This builds his ego, soothes his soul or allows him to feel connected to someone who cares. You are actually providing emotional support without getting the benefits of dating him. Most women are compassionate listeners and empathetic friends.
Don’t Support Him, Hoping for Love
However, don’t pour your heart and soul into supporting some guy who seems nice, hoping he’ll come to date and love you. That’s like bargaining for his attention, thinking…”If I’m nice and supportive, he’s got to want me.” Never trade anything for love.
Women through the ages have traded sex hoping for love or cooked meals, cleaned a man’s house, given gifts, and more.
This is not how to get a man to love you. He has to WANT a relationship with you for your dream of love to come true. You can’t lure him into it or change him to get his love. If he doesn’t want a relationship – that’s it, over and done.
Why support a man emotionally without meeting him or having dates? It might be satisfying to some degree, giving you the feeling like you’re in a relationship. BUT YOU’RE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP. It’s virtual, not REAL.
Either get him out on a date or say, “Bye-bye!” Block him if you have to because you are serious about finding love, and you won’t let some guy string you along.
If he texts but doesn’t make plans, don’t let him waste your time or wrap you around his little finger to be at his beck and call in case someday he agrees to meet you.
If You’re Serious About Finding Love
When you are serious about finding lasting love and a long-term relationship, you value yourself and your time. Knowing you are worthy of more than “talking,” you don’t get sucked in when he texts but doesn’t make plans.
You make tough decisions like cutting off a talker/texter and blocking him because you know you DESERVE MORE.
You won’t settle for anything less than a real, passionate, face-to-face relationship for an epic love that lasts and grows!
If you’re looking for more about texting and heart breaking mistakes you want to avoid, download my book 7 Deadly Sins of Texting
Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. She put her skills from personal development and her spiritual path to work, dating 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to manifesting and midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late to help smart, successful women find love or live an empowered and magical life. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000s of midlife women with her Love & Magical Life Coach services. She’s the host of the Breathe Love & Magic podcast and has been featured on NBC, ABC, & Fox News, NPR, BBC, eHarmony, MSN.com, and Connecticut Magazine among others. Also, Ronnie is the author of 6 books which are available on Amazon.
Hi Ronnie, I’m struggling and I have just come across your insightful article! I have been chatting with a guy for 7 months from an international dating platform. We are both single but he lives in New Zealand and I reside in the US. We feel the connection and have invited each other to visit. I’d like to go to NZ but it’s not practical for now. He sounds reluctant to come here and I feel he doesn’t care if we meet not. I am not sure what to do. Should I stop chatting with him and move on? Await your advice 🙂 Kind regards
Hi Wendy, You are in a virtual relationship which is what those sites are really meant for – fantasy. It can be hard to find a good match and date locally, but what are the chances of flying half way around the world? It can happen – I have a US client who married a guy in Australia. She met him here, so they dated normally before getting married and now live apart. I’m just not sure how that can last but I guess anything is possible.
If you seriously want to find love, please look locally. Otherwise, and I know this sounds a bit harsh, you are creating a barrier to love before you even start. Long distance relationships are a great way to keep your single life and have a boyfriend on occasion if things work out! But it’s one in a million. You might want to read these posts about long distance relationships. Did he ever like me? Romantic trips are not meaningful. Do long distance relationships work? Do we have a future?
I need your help 🙂 This guy asked me out on a first date and we texted how fun we had during our movie night. He is a pilot so he has weird schedules. He has been texting me daily with long texts telling me about his “whole day”. His texts aren’t as frequent as before our first date. I asked if he was slowly ghosting me. Hours later he texted with details of his flight. Also he said he’d like to go out but he’s tired and has paperwork to do. I gave him a chance to tell me if something was wrong and he didn’t say anything. He told me he only dates with purpose but it has been 4 days and he hasn’t set up a second date. I’ll wait for a week and see what happens. He texted within 6-24 hour periods about his date went and finishes with a question for me to answer like this “what are you up to?” What should I do?
Hi Maya, Your pilot wants the light emotional connection of telling you about his day and to feel someone cares by telling him about her day. That’s it. He doesn’t want a relationship.
I realize it hasn’t been a week yet, but he’s let you know he’s busy and tired and doesn’t want you to expect much from him. He’s a pilot – what a perfect set up to keep you interested and hoping from a distance. Normally I would say to be more patient with a guy but he has already shown his true colors, by putting you off.
His long texts about his day are meaningless. That’s not how you get to know someone. Do you care how his flights went? You have to talk about more than your day and spend time with each other in person to get to know someone.
If you’re serious about finding love, he’s not the one. But now you’ll recognize this game if you run into it with another man. The best thing you can do is move on and date more men. Don’t wait for him because he doesn’t have time for the kind of relationship you want.
I encourage my clients not to date one man at a time because they get too attached. During the early stages, the first 6 dates, keep meeting new men. This way you can see who consistently pursues you and shows genuine interest. Who you enjoy and who stays in touch between dates. And you won’t waste time on the guys who are flakey, text but don’t set up dates, cancel, or disappear. Then you choose your best prospect, become exclusive and see if a relationship will work out.
Be smart, protect your heart and block the pilot, rather than play his texting game and satisfy his emotional needs while sacrificing your own.
Most of the profiles messages likes on dating apps are AI BOTS some can even got to spoofed cell texting. I don’t get the goal of these BOTS though? Eventually they get blocked when the real person figures out the will never meet a BOT.
Hi Avita, I don’t get it either. However, people are still meeting REAL people online, so don’t let a bit of strangeness get in your way. When you find a bot, report it or move on to find a real human interested in the same kind of relationship you are. Online dating and the apps still work!
Hi Ronnie,
I actually had this scenario happen a lot. Often the guy seemed very keen on asking me out the first couple of times but after the 2nd or 3rd date, which went quite well, they kept texting me everyday with long text conversations throughout the day or even calling me but not asking me out again. Or they tentatively asked to meet but always changed their plan last minute.
Why would these men want to spend so much time texting/talking, seem very attentive but never want to meet in person again?
i matched with a guy he seemed really nice and than i suggested we meet up we were only texting for about 1 to 2 weeks, i suggested coffee tea or a cocktails he said sure sounds good. but would never meet me and than i asked again want to meet he said he is not in any position to meet me or anyone else when i asked what does that mean he said i dont think we should communicate anymore. meanwhile i now see him on another dating site. I getting discourage why did he just say he was not interested.
Hi Diana, It can be hard to fathom why people get online, but then don’t want to date. Probably, your mind doesn’t work this way, but after 20 years in the dating business, I’ve sort of heard it all. So, let me give you two of the most likely reasons and neither one has anything to do with you. 1) He’s married or in a relationship and wants some variety without physically cheating. Some women are happy to text forever and be a man’s fantasy, not realizing this is the game they are participating in. This is most likely the case in your situation. 2) He’s not capable of a real relationship. Again this kind of guy is great at texting and maybe talking on the phone but doesn’t want to actually meet or get involved. I hope this helps you see why you don’t want to take this personally. when a man doesn’t want to meet, block him and move on. Keep it simple like this, keep meeting men, don’t put up with any excuses or poor treatment to be “nice”, and you will find love.
Thank you, I agree 100% that being nice doesn’t pay off in these situations.
I agree with Grace. I met someone once online. Only time I met him in person was also at the location of his convenience in his hometown. He made plans twice to visit but cancelled both times. I still gave benefit of doubt, he was even more inconsiderate and never apologized or gave me anything concrete for cancelling plans so many times. Here is the interesting part, when I said I am done texting best of luck to you (basically goodbye), rather than apologizing, I was told that you are too emotional, followed by another text a week later saying I think you are really upset. I had already said bye so I ignored them. Then, after another 10 days I get a text which sounds like nothing ever happened. I asked why are you talking to me? Then, I was told that oh you disappeared without a bye. I said I did say goodbye but sorry if you didn’t get it. best of luck to you again. Can you believe it? He wanted to completely act like I never said farewell.
Hi Stephanie, Well now you know what a good decision you made. This is a case where you are so much better off. I think one cancellation is understandable, but two is a pattern. The benefit of the doubt only applies ONCE – not to multiple situations.
One thing I learned the hard way when I was dating – don’t say good bye to a man you haven’t heard from. For some reason it ALWAYS causes this kind of ridiculous back and forth. Either they beg for another chance or they say its your fault. Best to know it’s over, block the number, and say nothing. This is where being nice doesn’t pay off. I hope you blocked him now – if not please do it today!