He Pursued Me, Then Disappeared! Understanding Men

He pursued me then disappeared. Why would a guy act so into me then just stop and ghost me? Here are 5 possible reasons he pulled away.

he pursued me then disappeared7 Reasons Why a Guy Acts Interested Then Backs Off

I’m guessing if you are reading this post, some guy did this to you. He came on strong and seemed so into you. Then suddenly he just vanished. Poof! Gone.

This is one of the most aggravating things about dating. Things are going great. You enjoy each other’s company and look forward to seeing him.

He seems to get you, which feels great. While getting to know each other, you are having so much fun!

Then he pulls away and you are left wondering what the heck happened. You examine every conversation looking for something you said or did wrong.

You blame yourself even if you can’t find anything to point to that would cause this.

His Disappearance Is Maddening

You’re upset and find the whole thing disconcert! Your world just got turned upside down. How could this be? Everything was going so smoothly.

You know he liked you too. Now what? You wonder if there is anything you can or should do to get him back.

Why do men do this kind of thing? You keep asking yourself, “How can this be – He pursued me then disappeared?”

There are as many reasons for this behavior as there are men who do it. But I’m going to share seven of the biggest reasons with you below.

1. Busy with Work or Study


A man who is very busy proving himself in his career or loving his work, that’s his first priority. The same thing is true for studying to get his degree.

Which automatically means you are NOT his top priority. So you come after everything about work or school that needs his attention first. If that doesn’t appeal to you, then you know he’s not the right guy.

Avoid heartbreaking mistakes when you get my free book 7 Dire Dating Mistakes that Keep You Single.

why did he disappear2. Dating Other Women

When you first start seeing a guy and you’ve only had a few dates, assume he’s seeing other women. This could be exactly why he disappeared – he got interested in or distracted by someone else.

If you’ve only had a few dates it can be a disappointment, but not that big a deal.

Don’t let yourself get too invested in a man you’ve seen just 2-4 times. Hopefully, you know how to avoid premature attachment to men you are still vetting over 6-10 weeks.

3. Not Happy with Himself

When a man is not happy with himself, his life or his career, he just can’t make you his main priority. Being unsettled creates a feeling of not being a good “provider” which gets in the way of building a strong relationship for men.

Unfortunately, this is not something you can help a man get through. He has to find his way and this is definitely a reason why a man might disappear.

he doesn't want a relationship4. Doesn’t Want a Relationship

Some guys know they do not want a relationship. They don’t want ties, the expectations or the responsibility of being attached to a woman.

It could feel like a giant weight hanging around his neck, holding him back from what he knows he needs to do.

Don’t feel offended – this is not about you. It’s all him baby.

Learn more about ghosting, breadcrumbing, and orbiting.

5. Needs Healing after Divorce or Breakup

You may think that you’ve met a great guy that needs help getting over his ex. DON’T GET SUCKED IN!

You might actually help him recover, but then 99.99% of men will skip out and move on to the next relationship. Happens all the time.

This is because you remind him of a painful time when he was weak and needed help and so he wants to give himself as much space from that AND you as possible.

That’s the thanks you’ll get for helping him. Don’t try to trade your nurturing for his love because you will not be rewarded.

6. Prefers to Keep It Casual

He pursued me then disappearedAll men are not relationship ready. Some don’t want to get serious so they keep things casual.

It’s easier and they avoid getting entangled in something demanding or restricting. When you are in a relationship you have to consider the other person’s feelings, wants and desires.

On the other hand, when casual – anything goes. There are no rules.

Some guys catch on that you want something more serious, so they disappear. If you are still asking why he pursued me then disappeared – this is a likely reason.

Men often do this thinking it’s nicer and less confrontational than some ugly emotional scene when you realize he’s not going to stick around.

he's not sure how he feels7. Not Sure How He Feels

If you’ve been seeing a guy for several weeks and everything is going beautifully, then he suddenly disappears, there’s one more possible reason.

He’s not sure how he feels about you. A lot of men need space to figure out emotional issues. This is where talk of the ‘Man Cave’ comes in. They retreat to gain strength.

Now if he comes back in a week, that’s good news. He may have decided to move forward with you and your relationship.

However, longer than 7 – 10 days doesn’t bode well. He’s withdrawn because he’s out and is no longer interested.

Countless articles have been written by experts promising ways to get your ex back. For the vast majority of situations, there’s NO WAY to get him back.

It’s a harsh truth, but the only way a man returns to the relationship is IF HE WANTS TO.

When He Disappears Let Him Go

Most women think if they could just understand what went wrong and talk to him, they could make things work. Nothing is further from the truth.

Yet, the first reaction is to text, call, text, email. You might feel driven to reach out non-stop to get a hold of him and find out what happened.

Sadly, pushing to talk does not work. You know this is true because if he wanted to talk, he’d respond or reach out. He knows how to communicate, but he is CHOOSING NOT TO.

Worse still, if there was any hope of him ever returning, you’ve just put the last nail in the coffin, killing that possibility by appearing weak and desperate.

what can I do now that he's goneHe Pursued Me Then Disappeared! What Can I Do?

There are things you can do when a man disappears:

  • Leave him alone
  • Do not contact him
  • Text him or call him
  • Don’t think that if you could talk to him, you could make things right
  • Move on with your life and leave him totally alone
  • Time apart might make him miss you and that alone could bring him back

So if you’re wondering “why he pursued me then disappeared,” now you have seven reasons. Take note – none of them are about YOU.

Not how you weren’t good enough, pretty enough, smart enough or successful enough. Nope, all seven reasons are about HIM.

Don’t blame yourself for his disappearance. Most likely, the reason he pulled away was not your fault. Take time to heal and get over him.

Then move on to find a better man. A man who is relationship ready and knows you are the one for him. He IS out there, so do not give up! It’s never too late for love.

If you want to know how to smarten up about dating, get my free book 7 Dire Dating Mistakes that Keep You Single.

Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. She put her skills from personal development and her spiritual path to work, dating 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to manifesting and midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late to help smart, successful women find love or live an empowered and magical life. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000s of midlife women with her Love & Magical Life Coach services. She’s the host of the Breathe Love & Magic podcast and has been featured on NBC, ABC, & Fox News, NPR, BBC, eHarmony, MSN.com, and Connecticut Magazine among others. Also, Ronnie is the author of 6 books which are available on Amazon.

157 thoughts on “He Pursued Me, Then Disappeared! Understanding Men”

  1. Hi Ronnie, Chatted with a guy online 20 yrs ago, just friends. 240 miles away. A few years later we met and had a 2 yr relationship. He came to see me every few weeks, then we broke up. I was not ready for a long distance relationship. Kept in touch for 12 yrs. He became a Dad and has custody of his 9 yr old son. Started chatting daily for 6 months and met again. This time more intense, I visited him due to his son. Met all his family & had a holiday together. I saw a future. He backed away then came back with apologies. Said he’d been depressed. He stayed in touch 4 months of regular contact, 90% him. He talked of meeting up, then vanished. It’s been 8 days and it’s killing me. I haven’t messaged, left him alone as I learned last time trying to get him to talk is pointless. I go from wanting to block him and never talk again, to wanting an adult conversation. Being ghosted is difficult. If I message/call he will answer but where will that get me? Tired of going round in circles, I don’t know what to do and feel confused. He’s 45 i am 38.
    Thank you.

    • Miss S, I know this is hard. The only thing you can do is stop the merry-go-round. He has shown you he’s not capable of the kind of relationship you want. Pulling away is his style – that will not change. This is when boundaries come into play. You stop being open to him. Go with your gut and block him. Don’t give him future access to your heart. This is protective and necessary. There are other men. I’m sorry to say that he’s got issues and sadly, is not the one for you.

  2. Hi Ronnie, I have a lot of confusing men in my life. I was with one guy from another city for a short time 3 years ago. We had a good connection, genuine friendship and he helped me a lot. Earlier this year we talked and he came to visit. We had a great weekend and we kept in touch for a while. However he never made further plans to see me. When I asked, he said he was too busy, but he’s a freelancer, so he could easily arrange his schedule. He still texts and calls sometimes. Should I give up on him?

    This year I also had 3 guys who pursued me hard at the beginning and turned out to not be ready for a relationship (two were not happy with their life, one still had a girlfriend). How can I tell whether a guy is ready for love early on? I’m so drained and heart broken from all these experiences.

    • Hi Lisa, Sorry this is happening to you. I’m going to share a couple of generalizations that should help. Mr. Other City was likely lonely. He thought a trip to see you would be romantic fun and after he had his fill, he was done, ghosting slowly and full of excuses. Yes, let him go. When men come back into your life, they often just need a little loving, but don’t want a relationship.

      Tip #1) Don’t let a man who waltzed out of your life, back in again. Tip #2) Men who come on strong and pursue hard, often fizzle fast. Beware of any man like this because they enjoy romantically sweeping a woman off her feet, then moving on just as fast. I call this “Flash in the Pan Man.” Like water sprinkled into a hot skillet – it sizzles, then it’s over fast. They aren’t serious ever.

      A man who is ready is usually not in a hurry. He’s checking things out and taking his time. Not spread out over weeks but not three times in one week at the start either. They often build up to seeing you more with time. But they also aren’t the guys who say, “Let’s take things slowly” That’s usually a man who doesn’t want a relationship and doesn’t want you to have any expectations.

      Top #3) Mix it up. Date more than one man at a time at the beginning until you sort things out. This way you can’t over focus on one guy. Sometimes you can say you’re busy and suggest another time to get together so you aren’t always available. This is not a game – its a method to guard your heart and give yourself time to get to know a guy before you close out all your options.

      See who consistently pursues you, but not in haste. A man who tries to please you and asks questions. A man who makes time for you a couple times a week for a few weeks, and then picks up the pace slowly. A man who keeps his word, and follows through with suggestions and promises. That man wants a relationship. Hope that helps!

  3. I worked closely with a guy months ago. We exchanged socials and started chatting. He sent morning & night texts. We have good chemistry & enjoy each other. He’s always happy to see me in office and hoped to spend time together outside which did not happen. He tells me his personal/work problems via text. I am flattered that he trusts me. His text are flirty, he says wants me. I told him I like him & want more. Unfortunately, he is reluctant. He’s scared of hurting me & prefers going slowly. He’s not sure if he is worthy of a relationship with me, is not exactly sure what he wants. His responses confuses me. He is such a nice, sweet guy and I treasure the relationship we have now & don’t want to lose him. Should I wait for him to work on his personal issues before he makes a move or should we remain good friends?

    • Hi Faniey, This guy might be nice but he is stringing you along. There’s nothing to wait for because everything he said shows he doesn’t want a relationship. He likes your attention and that you listen to his problems, but don’t be flattered – he’s using you. The only thing you said he does for you is errands. If you enjoy the friendship, keep it, but my advice is don’t expect anything more. He’s not going to deliver because he’s not capable of the kind of relationship you want.

  4. Hi Ronnie, Thanks for the article! I’m in the same boat. Texted 3 weeks with this guy I met from a dating app, when we finally met for the first time it was very much fun. He came to my place and we had sex, which was great. He did everything to please me and to make me feel good. In the morning he disappeared fast and said we’d keep texting. One week and nothing. I did not contact cause I already had this strange gut feeling. I would have been open to casual but no word after we shared that intimacy made me lose trust in him. I feel hurt, used, deceived and super stupid.

    • Hi Su, Sorry you’re feeling bad, but there is a solution for the future. Hold off on sleeping with a guy until he has consistently pursued you over several weeks, including phone calls and live dates, not just texting. I’m not sure you are open to “casual.” That means there will be NO rules. Casual means “when he’s in the mood to connect and have sex.” I bet that isn’t what you were thinking. Causal means you aren’t attached in any way and have no expectations. So it might be once, three times or several months. But you will never know when you will see him next. If you ask to get together, he might agree if it suits him.

      Since you feel hurt and your trust was broken, let let’s me know you don’t want anything casual. You want to be treated with respect which is great! Start by not sharing your affection until a man proves he is WORTHY of your trust. In the meantime, you enjoyed your short time together so why feel bad about it? Human touch and sex are basic needs. Try to let it go and be choosier next time.

  5. Whew! It’s not something I’m doing! After hearing all of these other comments I feel better. The guy I was interested in had reached out to me a few years ago and I wasn’t ready for him. This time I was and we got close over the time frame of a few months, but not enough to be physically involved. He started getting distant and I started giving him his space. His last call he revealed that he had been off for four days and he was spending all this time with other people (friends and family, or so he says) and didn’t even reach out to me, even though we were supposed to see each other within that time frame. So I decided to let him go. It’s been 3 days and I have never felt better. I took my time and didn’t fall for words. Actions , or lack of, tells me everything I need to know.

    • Hi April, I’m so proud of you! You could not have handled that better! It’s not easy but it sure is simple when you look at how a man treats you to decide if he’s the right guy or not. It doesn’t make him a bad person, but it sure does make him the wrong man for you. Moving on. You will find a better man because you have honored yourself by doing what is in your own best interest, cutting your losses, and walking away. Well done!

  6. Hi Ronnie, I met this guy at work we started talking and things got serious. He told me how he loved but I wasn’t there. When time goes by I started feeling something for him because we spent most of our time talking and calling each other. One day we were planning to meet but he just disappointed and ended things. I was shocked and hurt. I asked my self what might be the problem. I called him several times but he had blocked my calls and also whatsapp. I couldn’t reach him. Everything was going smoothly, then this happened. His reason was he ghosted me because he doesn’t want to stress about me anymore.

    • Hi Hope, Love can be so confusing. I think he had fantasies about being with you, but isn’t capable of a real relationship. Now that you want one with him, he runs away. This is classic behavior from an emotionally unavailable man. Stop contacting him – that’s not working. It’s time to realize he cannot give you what you want. Let him go. Then get on a dating app and go meet some men! There’s a good man out there for you so be available and start dating.

  7. Hello Ronnie. I knew this one guy from my sister – he’s a colleague. He said he’s interested to get to know me and followed me on Instagram. Then we both got each other’s numbers on the same day but I texted him 1st. It was just a simple introduction. After few lines (very few), he stopped replying. I noticed he looked at my Instagram stories every day but still no response from him. I tried to reply to his story once and still the same, no reply after few words exchanged. I feel confused and is it wrong for me to feel that way? I know that he’s super busy at his work but still. Can you give some advice to me on this? Thanks dear. I really need it.

    • Hi Bell, It’s not wrong for you to feel confused because this guy is saying one thing and doing another. This is typical behavior for men who are not genuinely interested. When a man is into you, he doesn’t disappear, go dark for days, or confuse you. He will pursue you in a consistent way because he wants to get to know you and spend time with you. When a man is super busy at work, that’s man code for, “I’m not that interested.” Work is a great excuse that keeps a woman quiet while they patiently hope and wait. And if it’s true that he’s that busy, then you will never be a priority. Don’t fall for this crap either. It’s a big world out there, so get on the dating apps and meet some men! He’s not your guy.

    • This is the best honest objective intelligent response to a situation that happens all over the world for eons. This is my current situation with an ER physician who loves his job more than his family – even kids!! He loves his cat next. I fell MADLY CRAZY in love and he did too and then it started going down with his kids and me around all the time in his house. It was too much interaction. I understand. I still love him dearly! He’s the one for me!! We met families and were planning to move to Dallas & get married. Then all stopped and in one day he broke up with me and got back together and broke up again after 2 wks. And now I’m leaving him alone and I’m praying he will call in 6 months. Thank you for this article. How do I follow you?

    • Hi Betty, I’m not sure you should wait around for him, even if he is the love of your life. Sounds like he’s into his open thing and doesn’t want a relationship. Why take yourself off the market if you want love? It’s find to take time to heal – I’m all for that, but it sounds like you put yourself on hold, praying he’ll return. The very same on and off thing is what would likely happen. People don’t change that much usually. So, you can wait if you want, but don’t just keep waiting forever. You deserve a man who wants you as much as you want him. To follow me, sign up for any of my freebies or take the quiz to get on my email list with great tips, offers and more. Or follow me on Facebook.com/ronnieannryanlovecoach

    • Hi Ronnie. I met this guy at work we are both in a long relationship and we both felt the chemistry so we started talking, chatting daily and we are quite similar it turns out. We went out and talked for hours nothing happened in real life but started sexting and it was exciting. Over half year later he made the first move and kissed me and we sexted after that night once again and he started pulling away. I see him weekly in the office and we still talk there and he is interested in me but no messaging he wouldn’t answer. He told me he wanted me and he likes spending time with me as well as he loves everything about me. Not sure what happened I’m confused. Both knew we can’t be serious as we have partners but not sure what happened. Could you please explain this reaction?

    • Hi Katie, Sounds to me like guilt took over. Chatting is one thing. Even sexting might not have felt like he was cheating But real life kissing went too far for him, so he pulled back out of guilt. This is my take on the situation. My advice is to let it go. If it can’t go anywhere, it’s worth getting real about your expectations on what you want out of the situation. You have a partner who loves you, so your attention might be better focused there. Something to think about…

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