He Pursued Me, Then Disappeared! Understanding Men

He pursued me then disappeared. Why would a guy act so into me then just stop and ghost me? Here are 5 possible reasons he pulled away.

he pursued me then disappeared7 Reasons Why a Guy Acts Interested Then Backs Off

I’m guessing if you are reading this post, some guy did this to you. He came on strong and seemed so into you. Then suddenly he just vanished. Poof! Gone.

This is one of the most aggravating things about dating. Things are going great. You enjoy each other’s company and look forward to seeing him.

He seems to get you, which feels great. While getting to know each other, you are having so much fun!

Then he pulls away and you are left wondering what the heck happened. You examine every conversation looking for something you said or did wrong.

You blame yourself even if you can’t find anything to point to that would cause this.

His Disappearance Is Maddening

You’re upset and find the whole thing disconcert! Your world just got turned upside down. How could this be? Everything was going so smoothly.

You know he liked you too. Now what? You wonder if there is anything you can or should do to get him back.

Why do men do this kind of thing? You keep asking yourself, “How can this be – He pursued me then disappeared?”

There are as many reasons for this behavior as there are men who do it. But I’m going to share seven of the biggest reasons with you below.

1. Busy with Work or Study


A man who is very busy proving himself in his career or loving his work, that’s his first priority. The same thing is true for studying to get his degree.

Which automatically means you are NOT his top priority. So you come after everything about work or school that needs his attention first. If that doesn’t appeal to you, then you know he’s not the right guy.

Avoid heartbreaking mistakes when you get my free book 7 Dire Dating Mistakes that Keep You Single.

why did he disappear2. Dating Other Women

When you first start seeing a guy and you’ve only had a few dates, assume he’s seeing other women. This could be exactly why he disappeared – he got interested in or distracted by someone else.

If you’ve only had a few dates it can be a disappointment, but not that big a deal.

Don’t let yourself get too invested in a man you’ve seen just 2-4 times. Hopefully, you know how to avoid premature attachment to men you are still vetting over 6-10 weeks.

3. Not Happy with Himself

When a man is not happy with himself, his life or his career, he just can’t make you his main priority. Being unsettled creates a feeling of not being a good “provider” which gets in the way of building a strong relationship for men.

Unfortunately, this is not something you can help a man get through. He has to find his way and this is definitely a reason why a man might disappear.

he doesn't want a relationship4. Doesn’t Want a Relationship

Some guys know they do not want a relationship. They don’t want ties, the expectations or the responsibility of being attached to a woman.

It could feel like a giant weight hanging around his neck, holding him back from what he knows he needs to do.

Don’t feel offended – this is not about you. It’s all him baby.

Learn more about ghosting, breadcrumbing, and orbiting.

5. Needs Healing after Divorce or Breakup

You may think that you’ve met a great guy that needs help getting over his ex. DON’T GET SUCKED IN!

You might actually help him recover, but then 99.99% of men will skip out and move on to the next relationship. Happens all the time.

This is because you remind him of a painful time when he was weak and needed help and so he wants to give himself as much space from that AND you as possible.

That’s the thanks you’ll get for helping him. Don’t try to trade your nurturing for his love because you will not be rewarded.

6. Prefers to Keep It Casual

He pursued me then disappearedAll men are not relationship ready. Some don’t want to get serious so they keep things casual.

It’s easier and they avoid getting entangled in something demanding or restricting. When you are in a relationship you have to consider the other person’s feelings, wants and desires.

On the other hand, when casual – anything goes. There are no rules.

Some guys catch on that you want something more serious, so they disappear. If you are still asking why he pursued me then disappeared – this is a likely reason.

Men often do this thinking it’s nicer and less confrontational than some ugly emotional scene when you realize he’s not going to stick around.

he's not sure how he feels7. Not Sure How He Feels

If you’ve been seeing a guy for several weeks and everything is going beautifully, then he suddenly disappears, there’s one more possible reason.

He’s not sure how he feels about you. A lot of men need space to figure out emotional issues. This is where talk of the ‘Man Cave’ comes in. They retreat to gain strength.

Now if he comes back in a week, that’s good news. He may have decided to move forward with you and your relationship.

However, longer than 7 – 10 days doesn’t bode well. He’s withdrawn because he’s out and is no longer interested.

Countless articles have been written by experts promising ways to get your ex back. For the vast majority of situations, there’s NO WAY to get him back.

It’s a harsh truth, but the only way a man returns to the relationship is IF HE WANTS TO.

When He Disappears Let Him Go

Most women think if they could just understand what went wrong and talk to him, they could make things work. Nothing is further from the truth.

Yet, the first reaction is to text, call, text, email. You might feel driven to reach out non-stop to get a hold of him and find out what happened.

Sadly, pushing to talk does not work. You know this is true because if he wanted to talk, he’d respond or reach out. He knows how to communicate, but he is CHOOSING NOT TO.

Worse still, if there was any hope of him ever returning, you’ve just put the last nail in the coffin, killing that possibility by appearing weak and desperate.

what can I do now that he's goneHe Pursued Me Then Disappeared! What Can I Do?

There are things you can do when a man disappears:

  • Leave him alone
  • Do not contact him
  • Text him or call him
  • Don’t think that if you could talk to him, you could make things right
  • Move on with your life and leave him totally alone
  • Time apart might make him miss you and that alone could bring him back

So if you’re wondering “why he pursued me then disappeared,” now you have seven reasons. Take note – none of them are about YOU.

Not how you weren’t good enough, pretty enough, smart enough or successful enough. Nope, all seven reasons are about HIM.

Don’t blame yourself for his disappearance. Most likely, the reason he pulled away was not your fault. Take time to heal and get over him.

Then move on to find a better man. A man who is relationship ready and knows you are the one for him. He IS out there, so do not give up! It’s never too late for love.

If you want to know how to smarten up about dating, get my free book 7 Dire Dating Mistakes that Keep You Single.

Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. She put her skills from personal development and her spiritual path to work, dating 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to manifesting and midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late to help smart, successful women find love or live an empowered and magical life. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000s of midlife women with her Love & Magical Life Coach services. She’s the host of the Breathe Love & Magic podcast and has been featured on NBC, ABC, & Fox News, NPR, BBC, eHarmony, MSN.com, and Connecticut Magazine among others. Also, Ronnie is the author of 6 books which are available on Amazon.

157 thoughts on “He Pursued Me, Then Disappeared! Understanding Men”

  1. I recently reconnected with a past love after 40+ years. He came on so strong wanting to get back together. Having me come visit. Make plans for travel and talking to me as if we were already a couple again. Then suddenly, nothing. Didn’t answer any phone calls or texts and hid my messages on Facebook messenger. Why start something to begin with if he didn’t want to finish it? I know he was in the middle of an ugly divorce, but had already moved out on his own and considered himself single. Why would someone do this?

    • Hi Shawn, A lot of men who are not yet divorced, are not ready for a relationship. But they are human, and so they miss the closeness, excitement, and fun of having a woman in their life. Many men enjoy imagining how things would be. So, they make plans and talk about the relationship as if it is real. This isn’t to be mean. They are doing the best they can to take care of their own needs, although it is a little one-sided. I doubt he meant to hurt you even though it turned out that way.

      Why did he disappear? Maybe he got back with his wife. Maybe his attorney told him he better not have a girlfriend and to ditch everything on his phone and social media. Maybe he found a woman who is closer. Or maybe he pulled into his cave to take care of himself.

      The best thing I can tell you is stay away from men who are not divorced and are long-distance. My articles on long-distance love are filled with hundreds of women who have been hurt and disappointed by some long-distance guy making promises he didn’t keep. If you want to find love again, please look locally. Watch for a man who is consistently interested in spending time with you at least weekly and talks with you in between. Then you know he’s likely more serious about you.

  2. Ronnie-
    Please, i am begging you to help me see the big picture. This situation has caused me to feel used, abandoned, and taken advantage of. and nothing adds up. I was in a situationship with a man (29), he being the bread winner was still financially tied to his mother of his 2 kids and felt obligation not leave abruptly. We saw each other for a year, talking everyday morning/night sweet messages. He hopes one day we can live together and feels we’d get along awesome. He finally moved out to his mother’s home and worried if he made the right decision his kids. Saw me three times, then messaged me saying “okay…you’re going to hate me…but I need to focus on myself and my kids. I cannot give what a relationship deserves, just out of a 10 yr relationship. So sorry to hurt your feelings. I need time to figure s**t out. Two days prior he saw me and said he missed me and wanted cuddles. Same day he moved back in with “her”. Two weeks later, they got a “family” puppy. I am now on insomnia medication, antidepressants and very low self esteem. Help.

    • Hi Chey, So sorry you are hurting. The sad thing is this is what comes from dating a man who is not divorced. He was honest saying he needed to figure stuff out and clearly feels guilty for leaving the family. He’s not definitely not available. I’m sure he liked you but the pull of a 10 year relationship with kids is just stronger. I recommend getting some traditional therapy because it will help you see that he couldn’t be yours. I know this is really hard right now and you are in pain, so I hope you find ways to take care of yourself. You will recover and there will be other men. Next time, don’t date a man who hasn’t been divorced for at least a full year. This post is worth reading about dating a separated man.

  3. Hey, I have been getting to know someone for 2 months, we were so close, shared our deepest secrets, laughed, hung out. We would text everyday and he called me in the morning before work and after. Everything was so good. We went out, talked, laughed, had so much fun. Then later that night he called me and said that we weren’t meant for each other and broke up with me out of the blue. I have been so depressed because we both had strong feeling for each other and he left without an excuse. I haven’t got my closure and I don’t know what to do. Why did he leave??

    • Hi Sarah, So sorry this happened to you. There could be so many reasons but two possibilities are: 1) He is uncomfortable with intimacy. This doesn’t mean he didn’t have a good time, but he doesn’t want anyone to have expectations of him, i.e. a relationship. 2) He met someone else. Closure does not come from whatever HE SAYS. It comes from within YOU. When you realize that a man who could walk away without explanation CAN’T BE THE RIGHT MAN for you, that’s how closure will come. Build your self-esteem to keep you from pining for a man like this who shows you so little respect. You can find a BETTER man.

  4. I have been chatting with a guy over two months. He pursued me, laughed, joked and wanted to get to know me. But he worka a lot and didn’t always have time. We text every day and called once a week. We tried to set up times to meet but we’re both busy. He wanted to see where it went, looking at long terms plans and holidays away. I was just being me and I got attached. We finally met and were so comfortable with each other. No awkward silences. We kissed then both had to leave. He asked to text when I got home safe and we text into the night. He said he was glad we met, was attracted and wanted more time with me. We texted Sunday morning a little, then nothing. I texted him Monday and he seemed distant. Then he texted saying I was so lovely he didn’t want to lead me astray. He doesn’t have time for me. That came completely out of the blue. I can’t understand it. He chased me. I got attached I thought he did too. Now I’m not so sure and feel hurt

    • Hi Nadine, So sorry this has happened, but it’s important to understand his time problem was not out of the blue. He didn’t have time to meet you for nearly two months! That tells you dating and love are not his priority. Or another possibility common with texting relationships is that he already has a woman, but likes texting other women and wanted to meet you once. Now that he has, that’s as far as he can go so he cut you lose. Please read this post about how meaningless texting is so that next time, you won’t text longer than a week, then do a few video chats or meet outside to be safe. If a man is serious about finding love and about you, he will always find the time. Anything else is an excuse or is showing you that you will never be a priority. I hope you find a way to value yourself so you won’t put up with just texting and never go through this again.

  5. Thank you for writing this article. I am new to dating and was completely baffled when the gentleman I was dating for 6 months just disappeared.
    I reached out and he eventually responded saying he was dealing with family “issues” and apologized for being distant. But that was it. I know I should be ok with that response but he really pursued me and got me used to being treated with a lot of attention. We took our time with the relationship. I question if his confessions of love for me were ever real. I mean, how could a man who can’t go a few hours without contacting me to not even being a thought in his mind. I am going to try to “flush” and move on. It’s just a shame because he is a really good guy!

    • Hi Nancy, Yeah that is a bit baffling. I’m wondering what his family issue was – maybe he was still married and got caught cheating? That would explain things in a way. But who knows? I agree, put this behind you and move on. There’s a better man waiting for you!

  6. Thanks for writing this article Ronnie, it helped. I met a guy online last month who was kind, gentlemanly, and we had a ton in common. He called me after talking online for 2 days and we talked for an hour, then again a week later we talked for 2 hours! So we met and had two very wonderful dates. He was clearly attracted to me. Admittedly we moved a bit fast, but I saw no reason not to for how well we were getting along.

    He pursued me and initiating everything. But instead of an invitation for a 3rd date, we ended up having an honest conversation. We both want a long-term relationship, but he admitted that he felt it was impossible to plan for one with covid and quarantine lockdowns. He’s stressed out by work and has a pattern of meeting and liking women, but not having strong enough feelings for them. He had strong enough feelings when we hung out

    He ended things and is taking a step back from dating to focus on himself and his goals. We parted very amicably. I guess I am confused if he just genuinely wasn’t that into me, and was letting me down kindly? Or if he really did like me, and maybe someday he’ll be back? Your article helped me see that it wasn’t because of me or anything I did that he left though, so thank you for that.

    • Hi Abbey, I’m glad the article helped you see you did nothing to push him away. Now I want to help you read between the lines of this situation. I’m so sorry to tell you this man did whatever he thought it would take to get into your pants and once he did that he decided to be “honest”. That’s his way of moving on. No doubt he’s sadly played this game often to get some female companionship and his needs met on his terms only. He lies when he says he wants a long-term relationship, but he knows that’s what women want. The one place where he was honest was owning up to his “habit”.

      Now keep in mind I’m not saying he didn’t like you. I’m sure he really did enjoy your company. what I’m explaining is how he had a different agenda than yours. His is very short-term and you want the real thing long-term.

      I have no judgment about when women want to sleep with a guy – that’s a personal decision. However, my dating advice is to hold out for 5-6 dates (over several weeks) because that way you weed out men like this. Since he just wants a roll in the hay, he most likely wouldn’t put that kind of time in. This gives you the chance to stay objective and get to know a man a bit better before the hormones kick in. It’s not fool proof but it’s a pretty good strategy to guard your heart.

      Try again! I’m sure you can find the love you want and deserve. Every man you meet brings you one man closer to the love you dream of.

  7. Hi, I recently started dating an ex again who I broke off with over 5 years ago. It started as casual, with him asking me to hangout every once in a while. We’d have sex, spend the night together and the next day as well. I didn’t see it as much until he started texting me daily. He took me out one night and intentionally called it a date 6 times ( I do not exaggerate ). After that we hung out every 3 days and weekends. I joined parties at his house. He was always so sweet, calling me babe, rubbing my feet, cuddling and kissing me. It turned to hanging out regularly and texting all most every day over two months. This past weekend he had a pool party and left for work in the morning (as normal.) I texted that night and he replied. Then the next day when I called he didn’t answer, call me back or even text. I texted to swing by to get my swimsuit and he didn’t reply to that either. I’m confused and annoyed, as I was only reciprocating the level of effort and attention he was giving me Now all of a sudden he stopped. I don’t know if I’m reading into it or if he has all of a sudden lost interest? I don’t understand why and I’m really confused about it all.

    • Hi Confused, I don’t blame you for feeling confused! This makes no sense and his behavior is rude. But this is different than dating a new guy. With your history, you can be direct and ask him, “Why aren’t you responding? I need my swimsuit and will be by tonight to pick it up.” Then see what he says and does. If still nothing, I’m afraid something is up and your togetherness is likely over. I don’t know why you broke up with him last time, but perhaps he is not honest with what is going on with him, even if he’s sweet to you. Be strong – you survived ditching him once, so you’ll get through it again. This is why I often recommend not dating an ex again – its like watching reruns on TV – you likely know what is going to happen since you’ve seen it all before.

  8. Hi Ronnie!
    I’m so confused. I met a guy October 2018 through a work event and he persistently pursued me. Constantly messaging me on Instagram, commenting on pictures, reaching out. I didn’t give him my number up until recently because I wasn’t interested. I started becoming interested later in 2019 and we spent some time together (work and just fun). All for him to tell me that he just wants a “f buddy.” I was so disappointed after a year of constant persuasion, that’s ALL he wanted from me. I was heartbroken because I had hopes he was genuinely interested. As a woman, I would never pursue a man for over a year just to sleep with him. He did tell me he was in a 7 year relationship and he’s been single for a couple of years enjoying life…. so I’m actually not upset with him because I’ve never been in that long of a relationship, so maybe it really hurt him. I just don’t understand why he pursued me for so long just to tell me he wants to fool around. Haven’t heard from him in a couple weeks. I think he ghosted me. Is this something common that men do? Why pursue a woman for so long for nothing?

    • Hi Abbey, Sorry to hear this happened. I know it’s hard to understand this from a woman’s perspective. You have to think like a man. He enjoyed the challenge of winning you over. That was fun and boosted his ego. After a year he probably didn’t think you’d go for it so he had to come clean. Yes, men often flirt with and pursue women just for the challenge. (Plenty of women have dubious motives too.) At least he fessed up rather than stringing you along any further.

      By the way, don’t get sucked into men’s excuses based on their romantic history. Feeling sorry for a man never made him come around or love you the want you want. Watch out for that kind of thing with the men you meet. You can’t see everything ahead or know for sure at first. But I will say is this – give a man space to prove himself.

      If he consistently wants to spend time with you (one or more times a week) but isn’t rushing you (every single night) that’s a good sign. Avoid the rush – it usually burns itself out. I always recommend slowing things down. And, if a man is inconsistent – not weekly dates, then he’s simply not serious or relationship ready. That will help a lot as you meet new men and look for one who wants a relationship with you.

    • Hi, Im married and met this guy who was so great . (Never were intimate) he wanted me to leave my husband and marry him, he got depressed because he couldn’t have me and begged me many times to be with him, i loved him but not enough to leave my husband..his parents were pushing him to get married since hes a muslim and being a doctor and 30 years old he was supposedly ready, they introduced him many girls he didn’t want , he only wanted me, but he realized i was never gonna be with him, he got married with one of those girls really quick and said the day i wanna be with him for real, he will be mine, blocked me and doesn’t even wanna be friends. I miss him like crazy and think of him 24/7. i just don’t understand why i feel so bad about losing him and how can i forget about him knowing its the best thing to do , i feel like since it was my fault i would never get over it

    • Jennifeer – You are focusing on what you lost – anyone feels badly when they do that. Instead find ways to be grateful for what you do have and what is working in your life. Gratitude changes everything and can give you a positive outlook when things feel the bleakest. Also, sometimes its easier to look at what you lost then think about what’s going on currently in your life – it can be a great distraction. Only you know if that is true or not but ti all makes me wonder what is happening within your marriage.

  9. hey ! we live in the same city that I was saying it was strange to be like that when you first talked to them and never even met in person yet … thank you I knew something not right or is off

  10. I have met a guy from a dating app talked for two days now have FaceTime each other and text he was so pursued into me when he first talked to me , he was saying all the things a lady wanna hear, he was saying ‘ I hope I can be the right guy for you “” I care about you “” you’re my queen but then he disappeared after.. what could I done? or is just him … it was strange that a guy says that when they first meet you . im confused someone help ?

    • Hi Jennifer – This is called “Scamming!” How can he hope to be the one for you when he’s never met you? How can you be his queen? This is nonsense! He wants to text and video and feel loved. And more likely he wants cybersex. Whatever it is, it won’t be true love I guarantee it. Block him and look for love locally. You want to date real men locally to avoid this long-distance, heartbreaking, virtual dating.

Leave a Comment