He Pursued Me, Then Disappeared! Understanding Men

He pursued me then disappeared. Why would a guy act so into me then just stop and ghost me? Here are 5 possible reasons he pulled away.

he pursued me then disappeared7 Reasons Why a Guy Acts Interested Then Backs Off

I’m guessing if you are reading this post, some guy did this to you. He came on strong and seemed so into you. Then suddenly he just vanished. Poof! Gone.

This is one of the most aggravating things about dating. Things are going great. You enjoy each other’s company and look forward to seeing him.

He seems to get you, which feels great. While getting to know each other, you are having so much fun!

Then he pulls away and you are left wondering what the heck happened. You examine every conversation looking for something you said or did wrong.

You blame yourself even if you can’t find anything to point to that would cause this.

His Disappearance Is Maddening

You’re upset and find the whole thing disconcert! Your world just got turned upside down. How could this be? Everything was going so smoothly.

You know he liked you too. Now what? You wonder if there is anything you can or should do to get him back.

Why do men do this kind of thing? You keep asking yourself, “How can this be – He pursued me then disappeared?”

There are as many reasons for this behavior as there are men who do it. But I’m going to share seven of the biggest reasons with you below.

1. Busy with Work or Study

via GIPHY

A man who is very busy proving himself in his career or loving his work, that’s his first priority. The same thing is true for studying to get his degree.

Which automatically means you are NOT his top priority. So you come after everything about work or school that needs his attention first. If that doesn’t appeal to you, then you know he’s not the right guy.

Avoid heartbreaking mistakes when you get my free book 7 Dire Dating Mistakes that Keep You Single.

why did he disappear2. Dating Other Women

When you first start seeing a guy and you’ve only had a few dates, assume he’s seeing other women. This could be exactly why he disappeared – he got interested in or distracted by someone else.

If you’ve only had a few dates it can be a disappointment, but not that big a deal.

Don’t let yourself get too invested in a man you’ve seen just 2-4 times. Hopefully, you know how to avoid premature attachment to men you are still vetting over 6-10 weeks.

3. Not Happy with Himself

When a man is not happy with himself, his life or his career, he just can’t make you his main priority. Being unsettled creates a feeling of not being a good “provider” which gets in the way of building a strong relationship for men.

Unfortunately, this is not something you can help a man get through. He has to find his way and this is definitely a reason why a man might disappear.

he doesn't want a relationship4. Doesn’t Want a Relationship

Some guys know they do not want a relationship. They don’t want ties, the expectations or the responsibility of being attached to a woman.

It could feel like a giant weight hanging around his neck, holding him back from what he knows he needs to do.

Don’t feel offended – this is not about you. It’s all him baby.

Learn more about ghosting, breadcrumbing, and orbiting.

5. Needs Healing after Divorce or Breakup

You may think that you’ve met a great guy that needs help getting over his ex. DON’T GET SUCKED IN!

You might actually help him recover, but then 99.99% of men will skip out and move on to the next relationship. Happens all the time.

This is because you remind him of a painful time when he was weak and needed help and so he wants to give himself as much space from that AND you as possible.

That’s the thanks you’ll get for helping him. Don’t try to trade your nurturing for his love because you will not be rewarded.

6. Prefers to Keep It Casual

He pursued me then disappearedAll men are not relationship ready. Some don’t want to get serious so they keep things casual.

It’s easier and they avoid getting entangled in something demanding or restricting. When you are in a relationship you have to consider the other person’s feelings, wants and desires.

On the other hand, when casual – anything goes. There are no rules.

Some guys catch on that you want something more serious, so they disappear. If you are still asking why he pursued me then disappeared – this is a likely reason.

Men often do this thinking it’s nicer and less confrontational than some ugly emotional scene when you realize he’s not going to stick around.

he's not sure how he feels7. Not Sure How He Feels

If you’ve been seeing a guy for several weeks and everything is going beautifully, then he suddenly disappears, there’s one more possible reason.

He’s not sure how he feels about you. A lot of men need space to figure out emotional issues. This is where talk of the ‘Man Cave’ comes in. They retreat to gain strength.

Now if he comes back in a week, that’s good news. He may have decided to move forward with you and your relationship.

However, longer than 7 – 10 days doesn’t bode well. He’s withdrawn because he’s out and is no longer interested.

Countless articles have been written by experts promising ways to get your ex back. For the vast majority of situations, there’s NO WAY to get him back.

It’s a harsh truth, but the only way a man returns to the relationship is IF HE WANTS TO.

When He Disappears Let Him Go

Most women think if they could just understand what went wrong and talk to him, they could make things work. Nothing is further from the truth.

Yet, the first reaction is to text, call, text, email. You might feel driven to reach out non-stop to get a hold of him and find out what happened.

Sadly, pushing to talk does not work. You know this is true because if he wanted to talk, he’d respond or reach out. He knows how to communicate, but he is CHOOSING NOT TO.

Worse still, if there was any hope of him ever returning, you’ve just put the last nail in the coffin, killing that possibility by appearing weak and desperate.

what can I do now that he's goneHe Pursued Me Then Disappeared! What Can I Do?

There are things you can do when a man disappears:

  • Leave him alone
  • Do not contact him
  • Text him or call him
  • Don’t think that if you could talk to him, you could make things right
  • Move on with your life and leave him totally alone
  • Time apart might make him miss you and that alone could bring him back

So if you’re wondering “why he pursued me then disappeared,” now you have seven reasons. Take note – none of them are about YOU.

Not how you weren’t good enough, pretty enough, smart enough or successful enough. Nope, all seven reasons are about HIM.

Don’t blame yourself for his disappearance. Most likely, the reason he pulled away was not your fault. Take time to heal and get over him.

Then move on to find a better man. A man who is relationship ready and knows you are the one for him. He IS out there, so do not give up! It’s never too late for love.

If you want to know how to smarten up about dating, get my free book 7 Dire Dating Mistakes that Keep You Single.

Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. She put her skills from personal development and her spiritual path to work, dating 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to manifesting and midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late to help smart, successful women find love or live an empowered and magical life. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000s of midlife women with her Love & Magical Life Coach services. She’s the host of the Breathe Love & Magic podcast and has been featured on NBC, ABC, & Fox News, NPR, BBC, eHarmony, MSN.com, and Connecticut Magazine among others. Also, Ronnie is the author of 6 books which are available on Amazon.

149 thoughts on “He Pursued Me, Then Disappeared! Understanding Men”

  1. I met a guy online. He liked me from the moment he met me (he told me this often). I ended up talking to him every day for two years after that. We had so many interests in common. He was so kind, considerate, funny, and caring. He never wanted to talk about his personal life, though. I asked why, and he always told me he just wasn’t comfortable at the moment. I kept talking to him, hoping that he could warm up to me one day. Finally, I decided it wasn’t getting anywhere at that pace, so I suggested for him to meet up with me. I even told him he’s allowed to say no. But after I asked him that, he disappeared. I haven’t heard from him since. It’s been four months. I wish I never did that because I don’t think he’ll ever come back. I can’t stop wondering what happened. I miss him and I want him back.

    Reply
    • Hello TF, I just can’t call you a fool. So sorry you are pining after this man. He filled a void in your life, but in truth he was never “yours”. A man who won’t talk about his personal life and disappears after you ask to meet is married or with a woman. Asking to meet him was NOT foolish, although waiting two years might have been not the best idea. That kept you connected to a man who was never going to give you the love you want. This is why I’m so against long-distance love. It’s next to impossible it will ever fulfill your romantic dreams.

      If you want true love, date local men so you can spend time together. REAL TIME face-to-face, live and in person. Not texting, emailing or video/Facetime. The only way to know if you are compatible is to be together on real dates. This other fellow was safe for you to fall for since you never met after two years. A lot of women fall in love long-distance for this reason – love can stay a safe dream. Don’t keep yourself sequestered away and safe – go out to meet men. Otherwise, love will always feel illusive and unattainable.

  2. I was talking to a guy I met online. We talked every day for two weeks. We had plans to meet but he had to cancel because of work. We still continued to talk and get a long great. We set up a time to meet again after work. I waited for him, he blew me off again and blocked me from text. I then sent a message via dating app, he replied, sorry I was a coward but I would like to see you. We talked a few more days and then he just stopped. He would read my messages but never replied. Why would he do this?

    Reply
    • Hi Jess, I know this seems confusing but the truth is he DOESN’T WANT TO MEET YOU. He may be in a relationship – a lot of guys do this for “variety” which is cheating without cheating since he never met you. But he may not want a relationship – just wanted to talk to a woman. He didn’t show and then blocked you since avoiding you is easier then being HONEST. It doesn’t matter why. Instead, what does matter is you don’t allow anyone to treat you this way.

      Your next step is to BLOCK him, stop thinking about him and move on to find a man who will go on a date within 7 days of meeting online. No excuses like work, kids, his boss, his ex, health or family problems, etc. If you want to find a healthy, two-way love, don’t put up with nonsense like this or let any man lead you on. When a man doesn’t show or makes excuses, that’s your cue to WALK AWAY. The reason is because you know you’re self-worth and you deserve better and he just missed out.

  3. Hello, I went out with this guy and, for the first time in a while, had a really good connection. He seemed really nice, we had lots of things to talk about, the conversation just flew and we had good chemistry. We kissed when saying goodbye and he said he wanted to see me again and that he would send me his number (we had only chatted through the app). I was over the moon! However, I did not hear from him the next day and was really disappointed. Is this normal? Shouldn’t he have texted the next day after such a good first date? Should I give him more time or should I decide he has different ideas on the matter?

    Reply
    • Hi Natasha, Sometimes it takes more than one day to hear from a guy. Before texting is might take 3-7 days! But the more days that go by, the lower the chances of hearing from him. It could be that he doesn’t want a relationship or worse doesn’t know what he wants. However, don’t let this crush your desire for love. Instead let it fuel your desire because this man is evidence that good men are out there! Maybe he’s not the exact one, but through him the universe is showing you that you are ready so keep looking!

  4. hi, I started seeing somone and he was coming on too strong in my opinion but I began to match his feelings because he seemed like such a nice guy. We spent some really amazing times together where it felt like we couldn’t get enough of each other and he seemed to never want to be away from me. I am going to Sydney in 6 months time and since he found out he’s pulled away from me telling me that he’s afraid of being hurt. i’ve tried talking to him and telling him that I would never ever want to hurt him but instead he’s told me that he wants time. After a few days I’ve messaged him to see how he’s doing and he just seems so cold and distant. I guess I should just accept that it’s over as much as I so badly don’t want it to be.

    Reply
    • Hi Sofia, I’m not sure what is going on with him, but maybe he’s been left before. Even if you don’t mean to hurt him, the idea of you leaving bothers him. Don’t push because you will start to look desperate and it won’t help anyway. Since you are moving, the relationship would likely end anyway due to the distance. So, unfortunately it seems to have ended a little sooner.

  5. I know a guy at the gym by my work and we go there during lunch time almost everyday. He often walked me back to my work building after the gym. One day we had coffee with each other in the morning before work. The meeting went very well and he gave me a lot of compliments. After that, he couldn’t go to the gym for a few days and when he met me again, he apologized for being very busy at work and he asked me out again but both of us were busy so we did not set a date and time. One week after that, he disappeared for more than one more month. He was just back to the gym a few days ago. I asked him what happened and he said he was busy at work that he couldn’t have time to go to the gym and he also had some days off work too. After knowing his reasons, I was mad and I have acted distant to him since I don’t want my feelings to be hurt again. He asked me if i was upset. I just asked him “Why would I be upset”? When I didn’t explain to him how I felt about the time he disappeared, and I acted distant to him, is that wrong?

    Not to mention, he never asked me for my phone number. We just met and talked when we saw each other at the gym.

    Reply
    • Hi Christine, Gee one coffee is not much of a commitment – why even waste your time being mad at this guy? He doesn’t owe you anything. He was just being himself which clearly doesn’t meet your standards. You want someone more consistent – I get it. And you should have that. But don’t get your panties in a bunch about some guy who went to the same gym when you did. Stay cool and get online so you can date plenty of guys to meet the right one.

  6. Hello

    Just wondering what to do…chatting to a guy last Friday on bumble, really hit it off. Chatting on the phone loads, met on Monday, got on well, lots of chat about a potential future etc, spark, lots in common, he says he is looking for a long term relationship, he told me he was fascinated by me. He asked to meet today but I havent heard from him since Thursday since my last message. He had been very full on before that with contact. I also found his profile on POF and he is on it loads, he hasn’t seen me yet. So safe to say he is chatting to plenty others and maybe some thing better came along to excite him..which is the usual story I find with online dating. (It’s only been one week) So would you contact him? Or should I just let it be. Thanks

    Reply
    • Hi Linda, I know it’s hard when men do this. You are probably right that he’s behaving like a “Kid in a candy store” thing with so many women to choose from. You can reach out once and just say hi. After that if he doesn’t ask you out within 7 days, you’ll know he’s not into you. Or just look for someone else to date.

  7. I’m from US but am on vacation in Italy now. I met a guy from Germany one night and we hit it off right away. We met the next day and spend a day at the beach.we kissed a lot and he offered to go to his place afterwards but I declined. In the evening we had to say goodbye to each other as I went on with my travels. Later he texted me saying he misses me and trying to figure out when we could meet again. I told him I was going to visit my friend in Germany for Christmas and maybe I’d stop by the city he lives in. And that’s it. He never got back to me and now it’s been almost a week and I have no idea why he disappeared. We talked a lot, he was telling me things about his family and it felt like we had some connection. He told me to let him know if I’m ever in Germany but I’m very confused now and wondering if I rushed?

    Reply
    • Diana, Sometimes you meet someone, enjoy each other briefly and that’s all there is. You had a great time and he added a little romance to your trip. That’s fun! Don’t ruin a good thing by thinking it can continue and build. That is as rare as a prefect diamond. If he wanted that, he’d be in touch and making plans, but he’s not. Long distance relationships do NOT work and mostly bring great heartbreak. Let go, enjoy a fun memory, and let that fuel your search for love locally.

  8. Hello, this guy started talking to me on 4th of July, we met a week and a half later and hit it off. He said he really liked me and wanted to get to know me more. We made plans for a second date and he said he was excited to see me again. But once that day came, even after us texting that morning saying we couldn’t wait to see each other and me saying I was on my way to the place, he stopped texting me and hasn’t messaged me since. He’s seen my texts since then (5 hours later he saw the ones where I said I arrived at the place and said after waiting 1.5 hours I was going back home. Also messaged a few times to see if everything was ok because it was unusual for him to do that. He saw those hours later as well, but since then blocked me on iPhone and hid my alerts on Facebook Messenger. I don’t know if he’s dealing with something personally and is just trying to deal with it alone, or has turned his attention to someone else all of a sudden.

    Reply
    • Hi Veronica, That was sort of mean that he didn’t let you know he wasn’t going to meet you. This isn’t likely about a personal issue but a change of heart for some reason. Either he met another woman or he only wanted one date or a million other possibilities. Sorry this happened. The best thing you can do is let it go and be grateful you only had one date with a man like that. There will be others who are better – go look!

  9. Hi Ronnie, great article! My landlord told me he liked me 3 months ago. I didn’t give him a straight answer and he ended up saying let’s see how things go. I was reluctant to get into anything as he had a broken engagement late last year and also lives next door to me. I have liked him a while too and now wondering if I should tell h? He hasn’t asked me on an official date.thank you

    Reply
    • Hi Joeleen, Telling a man that you like him is like showing everyone at the poker table your hand! If you want to go on a date, you could say, “A few months ago you mentioned some interest in me. If you asked me out, I’d say yes.” This leave the ball in his court and doesn’t come out to directly say, “I like you.” It sure is risky because he may not still be interested. You face potential rejection although not the end of the world if you’re prepared. On the other hand, if you start dating and decide you don’t like him or he pulls away or changes his mind, then you might have to move if he lives on the same property with you. That’s the worst case.

  10. I’ve been seeing this guy for a few weeks, things were going great -making plans etc. We spoke all day everyday and he would come to see me whenever he could (around work and his young daughter). One day after he leaves my house to go to work, we message all day as normal. I had an early night because I’d gotten no sleep the night before. Woke up the next morning to no message. I thought this was strange and went work. Still nothing. I’d noticed he had been on WhatsApp but hadn’t messaged me, so I messaged him. He didn’t open it so I sent another after lunch -nothing. Confused and annoyed I left him alone the rest of the day. By the time I got home, I’d messaged one more time to give him a chance to explain. Maybe he had a good reason. Instead he opens it and deletes me on everything. Now I’m so confused and over thinking every little think but still can’t figure out what happened.

    Reply
    • Hi Ami, This is one of those times you’ll have to chalk it up to people are SO DARN STRANGE! Who can say why he just shut off like that. Sounds like you didn’t do anything to cause this. What I will tell you for the future is this – AVOID messaging all day long every day. It’s a bad idea for several reasons. 1) While it’s fun, you might come to rely on it. And as you can see, his constant messaging didn’t mean anything in terms of his long-term interest in you. 2) It’s hard to keep the intensity going. This might be what happened with him. He enjoyed it all at first, then he shut down, decided he couldn’t keep up and deleted you.

      The best thing you can do when dating to find love is PACE YOURSELF. Don’t over communicate or reach out daily to a new guy or expect him to text daily. That comes later. The first few weeks in dating is not being in a relationship – that often takes 6-12 weeks. This idea of pacing yourself keeps you safe so you don’t get over-attached before you know a man really cares. Some men love the start, but then get bored quickly and move on. This is a emotional availability issue where he seems available, but he’s really not. When you give yourself time, you’ll discover this and hopefully avoid more heartbreak.

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