He Flirts with Me, So Why Doesn’t He Ask Me Out?

Why doesn't he ask me out
Why doesn’t he ask me out

If you are wondering why, “He flirts with me but doesn’t ask me out?” read on to finally learn what that is really about.

Has this happened to you?

There’s a guy at work, church, or in your social circle. When you see him, he seems to light up. He seems very interested in what’s going on with you and catching up. He may flirt with his eyes, or verbally, or even touch you lightly. For some women, the man has actually taken things as far as kissing you once or twice.

Every time you see him, you experience the intense excitement of attraction. You feel prettier after talking with him. Your heart might be going pitter-patter. Its such a great feeling, exhilarating really. He must feel it too! How could you be the only one feeling this? There’s absolutely no way he doesn’t feel this same electricity. The same attraction. The same excitement.

But, and this is a huge but, you still don’t know –

Why Doesn’t He Ask Me Out?

Your relationship is stuck at flirting. And it drives you completely crazy. You simply cannot stop thinking about him.

Every time you run into him (which might be daily, once a week at church, or occasionally in your social circle), afterwards you spend days going over every detail of your interaction. What he said. His smile. The way he looked at you. How he lightly touched you on the arm or shoulder and the sensations that coursed through your body as a result.

Which leads you to wonder, “Why doesn’t ask me out?” This question creates a certain degree of frustration because you do not understand!  He’s ending mixed signals. How can this be? Why doesn’t he take it to the next obvious step?

I have had several dating coaching clients tell me about these interactions at church, the gym and at work. Other people have asked you about the situation, thinking you must be seeing each other. They’ve noticed how things are between you. How can they see it, but he doesn’t do one thing about it?

3 Reasons Why He’s Not Asking You Out:

1. Oh yeah, he’s attracted to you.  However, he is actually involved with someone else. And for whatever reason he doesn’t want to mention that because he enjoys flirting with you. It makes him feel good too. It’s really fun and good for his ego. Attraction isn’t enough when it comes to finding a compatible partner.

2. He isn’t ready or looking for a relationship. But flirting with you gives him his “feminine fix” and then he’s on his merry way. He definitely benefits from flirting with you. It makes him feel alive and wanted. He loves the attention you give him.  Yet, he has no intention of ever taking this one step further and he’s probably not emotionally available.

3. Something is keeping him from being active romantically. It could be financial trouble, health issues, emotional baggage, a horrible divorce, or any number of other concerns. It doesn’t really matter though because he’s not moving forward any time soon. A man who doesn’t have his life together has little room for love.

Why is this so confusing and agitating for you? Here’s the answer in a nutshell –

You mistake his flirtations and interactions as being in some sort of relationship.

A relationship with potential or promise. That’s a huge perception problem for you. The truth is, THIS IS NOT A RELATIONSHIP! And sadly, 99.9% of the time, it never will be. This is a clear cut case of a man sending you mixed signals – he’s attracted and pays attention to you, but he’s unwilling to take things any further.

Does this mean flirting with this man is a waste of time? Not necessarily. There are some benefits as long as you are clear this is going no where. Flirting like this:

  • Builds your flirting and conversation skills
  • Improves your confidence and self-esteem
  • Makes you feel more attractive and desirable
  • Allows other men to see how great you are in action
  • Can be a great love life launching pad, if you allow yourself to not get lost in it

This is the biggest problem with Mr. Flirtypants:

He Is Not Mr. Right. If He Were Mr. Right, He’d Be Asking You Out.

He has some major flaw that keeps him from entering a relationship with you. Please don’t forget that essential piece of the puzzle to remind yourself he’s not the one. The right man would never leave you asking, “Why doesn’t he ask me out?” He’d ask you out and spend time with you!

If you find yourself in this situation, evaluate how long this has been going on and if there is any reason to believe, in reality, if he’ll ever ask you out. Remember, 99.9% of the time, nothing will ever happen and these are dead end situations that disappoint you and take you away from your mission – finding love.

PS – Get help with understanding men in my free book His Mixed Signals Are So ConfusingSave




Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. She put her skills from personal development and her spiritual path to work, dating 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to manifesting and midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late to help smart, successful women find love or live an empowered and magical life. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000s of midlife women with her Love & Magical Life Coach services. She’s the host of the Breathe Love & Magic podcast and has been featured on NBC, ABC, & Fox News, NPR, BBC, eHarmony, MSN.com, and Connecticut Magazine among others. Also, Ronnie is the author of 6 books which are available on Amazon.

183 thoughts on “He Flirts with Me, So Why Doesn’t He Ask Me Out?”

  1. Ronnie,

    I can’t express how much your post has helped me understand my situation. I’ve worked with this guy about 4 years (I’m a nurse and he is surgeon), and a year ago I made a comment to him about his weight loss. Ever since the weight loss compliment he has been over the top flirting with me. Sometimes our flirting is hot and sometimes we run cold. A patient wife told me about 2 months ago, that doctor is very fond of you… are y’all together? I laughed and responded “no.” It’s super complicated because we are both married and we both have been caught taking our wedding bands off. However a year later we are still flirting.

    • Dear Confused, I”m so glad the post helped you! There’s nothing wrong with flirting – its part of the fun of life. Just keep it all in perspective. I’m sure he finds you attractive but that doesn’t mean he has any plans to take things further. (Or have you?) Hope not since you are both married and that would be so messy. Sometimes being naughty is exciting and risk adds to the thrill. But taking that next step is dangerous and often the idea and fantasy is way better than the actual event. Just keep those wedding bands on or it could impact your job and your husband.

  2. Hi,
    So i need honest answer though I believe I already know answer. There been this cop that comes in to my work (while we are both on shift, he patrols area) and flirts with me. We always seem to be laughing and he’s come in a handful of time and stays for awhile other employees and clients comment on him coming in as well. Though he never asked for my number or asked me out. I know he is divorced with kids and could be hesitant because of his situation and plus he’s on shift, thought? Also I haven’t seen him at all in like a week. I kinda feel stupid and waste of time. I was the one minding my own business and he’s the one who comes into my Work, but now nada? Thoughts

    • Hi Emma,
      You read the post before you commented so you know that some men like to flirt and it has no meaning. It’s just a fun way to send time talking to a woman he finds attractive. He’s not going to ask you out so whether he comes in every day or never shows up again – its the same. There’s no future with this guy.

  3. Hi, I have had a very similar situation with a friend at work who has been flirting with me for almost 8 months now. But what’s confusing about is that it’s been a mixture of flirting where he will be complimenting my looks, playing with my hair and finding excuses to touch me, and then where he is genuinely trying to get to know me more from asking me so many questions about myself. He really listens and likes to hear my opinion on things and there are times when I can tell he feels awkward and shy around me.

    We don’t talk as much throughout the week, mostly just at work. If we do talk online he’ll takes ages to respond or won’t at all, but then he’ll love talking at work if we bump into each other or he sees me and joins me on my break. We went out for dinner and drinks twice and had a good time,but he hasn’t opened up about whether he actually had feelings for me and want to date me. This is why I’m not sure if he actually likes me or just enjoys my feminine company.

    • Hi Stevie, if he’s not trying to further the relationship, that’s all you need to know. He’s just flirting with you. So I’d stop thinking this is going some where. You don’t have to stop flirting, just don’t think he’s going to become your boyfriend. I’d suggest looking for other eligible men because this guy is just taking his time going nowhere.

  4. I have a crush on my parent’s doctor. He flirts with me when I go for visits with my parents. He also gives me compliments and behaves differently around me. This has been going on for at least 5 years, he hasn’t asked me out. Your blog is inspiring. Thank you! I had these emotional thoughts about this doctor and was thinking that one day he will be a man and will ask me out. I’m feeling sad to know that this will never happen.

    • Hi Susan,
      One way to look at this is that it’s disappointing. But a better way to look at his flirting is that it’s clear evidence you are an attractive woman who is fun to flirt with! That means other men find you attractive as well. So stop holding out for the doc and go meet lots of other men so you can find a good one who wants to do more than flirt – he wants to date you and is ready for love.

  5. Hi, I have an unusual experience. It has ended with me going to counselling due to the confusion and use the. There was a guy, older than me. He did all the above but also touched me in sensitive areas sensually. He texted, we went on holiday together. I was always with him. However after ten weeks when I asked him what was going on. He said we were friends. Friends don’t behave in that mannerism. I was blocked, barred and then nastiness came. He was sticking his tongue out at me in my window. Taunting me. Then we had a three hour text… he told me he liked me but now he has a girlfriend and at first said the touching was in my head. Near end of text he said it could have been more but he had lots on. He never talked to me like that… even though I said I’m a good listener. Then said we’d talk as friends. We did for a month and then he blocked me out again. I really don’t understand his behaviour. Why he did those things. I’m at counselling now as it made no sense.

    • Dear confused Angel, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. The best dating advice i can give is about setting boundaries. Think about how you want to be treated by people, especially the men you date. After 10 weeks when he told you that you were just friends, you should have stopped interacting with him completely. He showed you his true colors which were anything but honest or nice. That’s your signal to get away fast from a man like that.

      Don’t get stuck trying to understand someone else’s behavior. It’s literally impossible. Instead, focus on what is good for you and then take care of yourself. That’s how you build self-esteem. We can never completely understand why someone would do such a thing. But you can learn to set boundaries about how you want to be treated and then remove yourself from situations that cross the line like this rotten man.

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