What’s up with this? He asked me out but didn’t set a time! This mixed signal from men makes dating so confusing. Here’s my dating advice about what this is about.
Why Are Men So Confusing?
You’ve been chatting with this guy who seems GREAT! The conversation flows, the texting is fun and you really click. It’s been so long since you met a decent man and he could be it! When you first start to connect, it’s very exciting and you get your hopes up thinking, “This guy has real potential!”
As you look forward to time together to really enjoy the chemistry, you might be thinking about all the fun the two of you will have. You get pumped up and are seriously looking forward to meeting him.
Maybe you’ve been texting for a few weeks now. You start to get a little impatient and wonder, “OK, when are you going to meet him already?” Haven’t we all been there?
You talked about getting together, but nothing came of it. He asked me out, but didn’t set a time. Also, he mentioned last weekend and said he’d call, but you didn’t hear from him. Hmmm, what’s that about? He said he was really busy and had surprise guests. Well, it’s possible. You want to give him the benefit of the doubt.
He Asks You Out But Plans Are Vague
He did make plans that one time, then had to cancel because of a work emergency. That sounds reasonable. Last time you brought it up he said this week was super busy too, but next week looks good. His planning overall seems kind of, well…vague.
So, how can you move things along? Or should you hang back and wait until he makes a clear and definite plan? What is the right thing to do without blowing it big time?
He Asked Me Out But Didn’t Set a Time. Why?
One thing that can help you decide on your next step is to understand what is really going on with him. Once you have a clue about what is causing him to be so vague you will have a better idea of the course that makes the most sense.
3 Reasons Why He’s Keeping Things Loose
1. Dating is NOT His Top Priority
He’s a busy guy with work, training or family which is why even though you are fun to text with and occasionally talk to, he just can’t seem to make a real plan. Recognize that he’s not trying to be evasive. He simply has too much on his plate.
No matter what a great guy he is, this man is NOT relationship material right now. He can’t make dating or you a priority. Do you want to date a man who cancels all the time and doesn’t make an effort to spend time with you?
If he can’t do this right for the first or second date, this behavior will NOT improve.
Should you wait around until his big life goals are all set and he can focus on you? NO WAY! Never put your life on hold for a man you barely know, thinking he could be the one. His emotional and physical unavailability make him the WRONG man for you.
2. He’s Keeping His Options Open
When you are first getting to know any man, you should expect that he’s dating others. You should be too. Until you reach exclusivity, you are a free agent to find the best possible partner.
This makes total sense if you want to find a compatible match and lasting love.
However, when a man can’t seem to nail down a date, time and place, he’s not really trying. He’s just putting you in a holding pattern to see what else is out there that might be better.
Or he’s hanging on to you while he waits to see if any of the current women bail on him. Either way, this is not good news for you.
3. He’s a Collector
There are some men who have no intention of meeting any women. They simply want the fun and ego boost of connecting and texting. Some guys long for a woman to talk to – someone who has great empathy, compassion and understanding.
So, they take advantage of your good nature. Men like this know women like to help.
My dating advice is to never trade emotional support hoping he’ll love you. In a way, this is no different than trading anything else (like sex) for love.
Women who choose this route end up disappointed, heartbroken and sadly, alone. Don’t allow the hope of meeting him some day or having a first or second date keep you locked into a man who has no time for you. That’s a surefire way to stay single.
How Can You Get Him to Make a Real Date?
Some dating experts would say, “Abandon ship with this guy and move on. He’s going to waste your time.” And that could be totally true. Sometimes a client won’t want to let go that quickly.
If the man seems like a really good catch, then I recommend trying this. “Let’s meet and see if there is any chemistry. I’m free Thursday for a cup of coffee (glass of wine, beer, etc.).” If he hesitates, says he’ll get back to you, or sets up a date then cancels, cross him off your list!
Once in a while, this somehow gets the ball rolling. A quality man will agree to a day, time and place and if he enjoys your company will ask you out again. Men know exactly what to do if they want to see you.
Don’t think he must be too shy – that is total nonsense! So, if you try this technique and you don’t end up on a date within a few days, that’s your signal loud and clear to MOVE ON.
What To Do When He Doesn’t Plan
If you are still wondering why “He asked me out but didn’t set a time,” here’s what you can do. Cut to the chase. The first time a man asks you out vaguely say, “I’d love to. When were you thinking?” If he says, “Thursday,” but doesn’t pick a place, ask him!”Where were you thinking?”
Don’t get off the phone without setting a specific day, time and place.
If he says he’ll get back to you, but doesn’t, don’t leave time open for him. Go out with friends or another man. Should he leave it loose like, “Let’s talk over the weekend,” you can respond with, “Sure, I’m pretty busy so, I hope you catch me.”
Two Can Play This Game
Remember two people can play this game, but as a smart woman, you won’t play for long! Never be afraid to walk away from a guy who can’t make a date or keep one.
There are better men out there and sometimes walking away with your dignity builds the confidence you need to meet the right man!
If you want to learn more about common mistakes women make, get your copy of 7 Dire Dating Mistake that Keep You Single
Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. She put her skills from personal development and her spiritual path to work, dating 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to manifesting and midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late to help smart, successful women find love or live an empowered and magical life. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000s of midlife women with her Love & Magical Life Coach services. She’s the host of the Breathe Love & Magic podcast and has been featured on NBC, ABC, & Fox News, NPR, BBC, eHarmony, MSN.com, and Connecticut Magazine among others. Also, Ronnie is the author of 6 books which are available on Amazon.
I went on a date with a guy who seemed to enjoy it. He told me about his childhood and dreams, was touchy, told me I’m attractive and kissed my forehead and said I’m attractive. We’ve been texting daily. He said he’d like to have a second date with a red heart emoji. I said yes. We picked a day, then texted random stuff. No confirmation of time or location. I waited for confirmation but didn’t hear anything. He asked so I feel like he should confirm. The day came and no text but I saw him online. The day after, he texted “i thought we’re going on a date yesterday?” and with a broken heart. Then I replied something came up and if we could set it on another day to see what he will reply. After 3 days he replied to me “Sure??” That’s it. Will i believe what he texted? I’m confused with this guy.
Hi Christiana, He’s not serious about you. Texting and emojis have no meaning, only ACTION. What does he do to see you and get to know you? As you can see – NOT MUCH! I agree it was his job to confirm. Once the day was chosen, you could texted, “When and where?” Don’t accept any dates without a hard plan. If there’s no time and place, it’s not a real date.
If you ask a man about where and when, and he doesn’t nail it down, don’t ask again. Just don’t plan on a real date and go about your life. If the guy contacts you with last minute details, you can go if you want. However, the best thing to do is say something like, “I like when a man plans ahead. When you set a date with me, pick a time and place so I know you’re serious.”
Say this kindly with a smile. Then if he wants to please you, he can do this. And if he doesn’t he won’t. This gives you more information about his true intentions vs. his texts or words.
I encourage you to meet new guys because this one will waste your time. If he wanted to see you – he knows exactly how to make that happen – he’d already had one date, right? Be strong and honor yourself. You are worthy of better treatment and a man who is serious about getting to know you. Let him go, stop texting him, block him on your phone and unmatch him. Then move on.
I’m dealing with the same issue right now. He told me to let him know when I’m free for our first date & I told him the date when I’ll be free which is Feb 18 & he said I’ll put it in the schedule (his schedule) but didn’t mention the place or time. I didn’t mention what time of the day I’ll be free on the 18th so idk if I should let him know that then cut to chase & ask where he’s thinking. Help!
Hi Crystal, Never ask a man what he’s thinking when you don’t know him yet – that doesn’t work well. I don’t know what his intentions are but I’m curious how come your not free for the next 11 days? Sounds to me like you are not that available to date.
Since you gave him a distant date in the future from a dating perspective, maybe that was all he needed to hear. I’m not sure he’ll be back in touch so you can keep the date in your calendar, but I wouldn’t follow up. Maybe he’ll surprise us both.
I don’t know your situation of course, but if you want to find lasting love, somehow you might want to be more available to meet men. Attraction at the start of things has a very short shelf life and then it expires.
The worst is when the guy plans the date, but sets it in his neighborhood (the same place where he brings all the women he meets). When you tell him that this location is a bit inconvenient, as it is far from where you live (a) you never hear from the guy again. Then you know that guy is really lazy. Another one is when the guy tells you to take the subway or uber, you know he is really entitled and obnoxious. I have seen countless times a guy be discouraged by a distance of 2-3 stops on a subway inside of Manhattan. If he considers that to be “long-distance” then there is no hope at all that he’ll put in any effort into the relationship.
Yes, I agree, these are signals that he’s not the right man for you. Thanks for sharing Muzzy. Thankfully, he showed is true colors right away and you are smart enough to know better and not waste time on a man like that!
This article is spot on.
Your advice is what we women need to hear.
I feel like i know these things and often our guts tell us how to react. Yet, quality sound advice does help us to follow our <3.
Thanks Angela for your nice comment! Follow your heart and use your head too. 🙂 You will find love – keep going.
hi so I have been talking to a guy for about Three weeks and we had Planned to go out Saturday he Canceled because of a family emergency and said he would make it up to me so I ask when can we hang out being that he was going to make it up he said I don’t know how should I take it
Hi Candy, Unfortunately, the only way to take this is that he’s not really interested. If he was, he wouldn’t make excuses and you wouldn’t have to ask him. he’d make a date. Let him go – he’s not the right guy for you.
I am in my 40s and finding a date nowadays is nearly impossible, yet one that actually shows up! I’ve had so many excuses by now, that I too probably can write a book. This last one was bombarding me with texts and even spent almost two hours chatting on the phone, we set up a coffee-meet on Thursday, but he kept saying why wait till then, so I rearranged my work schedule a day earlier and asked if he still wants to meet earlier. He said he would love that, but doesn’t know the exact time yet. So all day goes by, i keep sending hints on time etc, and still nothing. Then his final answer was that he wants to bring his A game on when he meets me. So politely told him to look elsewhere:) It is exhausting!
Hey Tinder-itis, Sorry you are exhausted. First get off Tinder and try Bumble. Next, stop trying so hard! When someone bombards you with texts, you don’t need to respond to them all or quickly. This is about setting boundaries and knowing your value as a woman.
Feel free to get off the phone. In fact, I recommend not talking longer than 20 minutes for the first call. Just say, “This has been fun but I need to get going.” Don’t explain why.
You can ask if he wants to meet and when. If the guy hesitates or says he’ll get back to you, drop him. This is his way of showing you he is not serious about dating or maybe about you.
A lot of men just want to fill time and the guy you met is a perfect example. He was lonely and wanted to text and talk your ear off. But when it came time to meet, he was no where to be found. He has no “A Game” You are wise to end your connection!
Lastly, avoid over texting and hinting. If a man doesn’t confirm let him go! This is another example of what is tiring you out. Stop being so nice and instead, remember your value and move on more quickly.
When a man is genuinely interested, he wants to meet you within 7 days and won’t leave you hanging. Any time a man is vague about plans to meet, it’s time to move on. Hope this clears up a few things for you.
I met this guy on a dating app. We talked for two weeks and he asked me out. I had great time and thought I finally found someone who was interesting. He sent me back home without asking for my phone number. One weird thing is he asked me out for coffee the next day and also said he could make it even though he was busy. A vague time was set and we said “keep in touch”. I waited him until 8pm that day. He didn’t reply. I thought he ghosted me so I said to him “forget the coffee and enjoy your holiday”. He was on vacation after that and two weeks after, he contacted me again! I was first excited and then angry. I expressed my true feeling of being ghosted and told him I value respect more than being liked. He asked me out for a movie and food, but didn’t set the time and restaurant. Tomorrow is when the movie comes out. He has still not set the place and time. I never encountered a man like him before. So confused! What I should do and expect from him? Every guy I dated before sets the time and place at least two days before the date.
Hi Tinacy, You are correct, a quality man plans ahead and sets the day, time and place. This man is showing you that he is not serious about you or dating or both. He’s also demonstrating a lack of respect as you mentioned, and no ability or desire to follow through. He is stringing you along regardless of what he might say. What should you do? Stop waiting for him and block him. No need to discuss, just block him on your phone and move on. The only way a man will treat you this way is when you allow it to happen. You can’t change him, but you can walk away from a guy like this who shows you no respect.
This guy I dealt with was so weird. He asked me 4 times out, all of them were vague questions. Once I answered him ”sure, when can we meet then?” He said just ”Whenever!” I don’t feel like, as a lady, I should be the one initiating the conversation further. Many of my friends say that this guy was just fooling around because of the vague date invitations but without any plans. Why would a guy do this to a girl if he knows that he doesn’t want to actually meet her?
Hey ConfusedGirl, Glad to hear you are a lady who knows her value! Wahoo! Your friends are wise and know he’s just playing games. To answer your question about why, but the truth is there’s no way to know. Here’s my best guess – he’s lonely and was happy to interact/message with you or maybe even speak by phone. A man who is serious will set a date right away. I always advise my client never stress about why – people, – men and women do strange things we will never understand. Just stick with the question, “Is this how I want to be treated?” If you’re OK with the treatment, then forget the why. If you’re not OK then leave the guy. But asking why sadly will get you nowhere because you’ll never know.