For first dates, do you get extremely excited about meeting a guy who seems just perfect? You might think that it’s only natural to feel excitement for meeting a man who seems “good on paper”. You might buy a new outfit, pamper yourself, get your hair and nails done, etc. But is this really such a good idea?
First Dates: How to Avoid the Emotional Roller Coaster
I’m probably going to surprise you here. To tell the truth, NOT being excited is the way to go. My advice is to aim for feeling neutral. “Positive Neutrality”, as I call this state of being, can help you stay emotionally balanced during your dating journey.
You see, when you create too much excitement about one man who you haven’t met yet, this often leads to BIG disappointment. How come? Well, you start building things up in your mind. You don’t stay in the present moment of meeting a new guy. What happens is that you end up way down the road, planning how well things are going to work out. Which means you get artificially invested in your imaginings vs. reality.
It can also be true for a second or third date. many women allow themselves to think “He’s the one” way too early. This is completely normal and happens to countless single and divorced women. But, it’s not the best way to think about things if you want to avoid huge ups and downs while trying to find the right man for you.
First Dates Are Just the Start of Getting to Know a Man
See, the hard cold truth is, even if the guy seems like a dream, has an amazing profile and the two of you clicked on the phone, you still don’t know much about him. You have some ideas, but not nearly enough to predict your future together. That’s why you want to be optimistic, but neutral. He may be great or he may be awful or he may disappear. It’s all part of dating right?
Here are some of the things you need know about your date before you should allow yourself to get emotionally invested:
1. Will the chemistry be as good in person as it was in email and on the phone? Sometimes you click from the moment you meet. Other times there are simply no sparks when you are face to face. You need to see who a man is in person before you know if you will enjoy the first date, never mind get a second.
2. Does he have the same dating agenda as you do? In other words, you don’t know if he wants the same long-term relationship that you are hoping for OR if he wants it with YOU. You won’t know this for weeks or months and have to wait to see if he is consistent in his efforts to win you over.
3. Does he share the same view of the world and similar morals/values? You can’t find this out on a first date – this takes time to get to know a person. And it’s so important because it totally determines your level of compatibility.
4. Can you trust him? The only way to decide if you can trust a man is to have experience with him over time. do his words match his actions? Does he keep his promises? Does he pursue you consistently or is he more sporadic? All of this will help you know how serous a man is about you.
5. Does he treat you right, the way you want to be treated? This is another question that can only be answered with time and several dates.
As a dating coach for women, I know it’s hard not to be in control. Unfortunately, that’s what dating requires. However, there is something you can be in control of – your reaction! That is exactly what I am talking about in this post. That is the beauty of Positive Neutrality. You will find that being optimistic and positive, but remaining relatively neutral a game changer for your dating life.
First Dates: Advantages of Positive Neutrality
If you can adopt this balanced mindset, you can go out to meet men and come back feeling good. You can still meet others – because there are always more men to meet. But you won’t have those awful down times when you feel so devastatingly disappointed by one man.
Remember, the more positive and upbeat you are, the more attractive you are. Dating is a numbers game so enjoy the journey!
Photo Credit: Kim Manley Ort
Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. She put her skills from personal development and her spiritual path to work, dating 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to manifesting and midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late to help smart, successful women find love or live an empowered and magical life. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000s of midlife women with her Love & Magical Life Coach services. She’s the host of the Breathe Love & Magic podcast and has been featured on NBC, ABC, & Fox News, NPR, BBC, eHarmony, MSN.com, and Connecticut Magazine among others. Also, Ronnie is the author of 6 books which are available on Amazon.
THANKS SO MUCH FOR THIS REMINDER!
This week, I have a “first outing” (I’m still reluctant to call it a “date”) with a man I came to know in a professional setting first. Though he and I have seen each other from the distance of professional work place (with zero line-crossing) while being up close (so we have seen each other in real life and have had interactions)? We’ve since had a number of discussions online and via text (he left this spring for a new position).
I AM excited and nervous and ALMOST began to go overboard. Instead? I did just enough to make me feel better about me … so I wouldn’t try to make this outing mean too much.
So, I really appreciate this shoring up of my heart/mind/soul. Thanks!