Finding Love: Why is the Emotionally Unavailable Man So Attractive?

The guy you’re seeing has this magnetic pull over you. He’s good looking but his voice – oooh. Or maybe he has fabulous eyes, like deep pools you can dive into. It could be the way he puts his hand on the small of your back, leading the way.

He has that certain something, a dash of charm and mystery. He’s got an elusive quality that fascinates you and draws you in. He may even be on the quiet side which really makes you wonder what he’s thinking…

Yup, you know him. You’ve dated him. He’s the emotionally unavailable man. Why is he so darn attractive?

Human nature is funny.

For the most part, whatever is unavailable or hard to get, is more desirable. Just the way it is when we let ourselves get drawn in without putting much thought into it.  This is the reason why married men can be so difficult for some women to resist. And why you get your heart broken by a guy who isn’t that capable of giving you more than the time of day.

When you start seeing this guy, women often drift into the land of wishful thinking. That’s the place where your new guy tells you he’s not interested in getting married or even in a real relationship and you automatically think, “Well it won’t be that way with me.” 

Sometimes women like a challenge. Perhaps you’ve thought, “I’ll get him – wait till he sees how good things are with me.”

Perhaps you are naturally attracted to resistance. The more resistant a man is, the more you want him.  The more he withdraws, the more you push forward to understand and entice him. You try to pull it out of him and figure things out so you can get the relationship back on track, the way it was when things felt really good.

As your dating coach, I want to be truthful with you. It’s my mission to  help you find the love you want and deserve.
So here goes…the unavailable man is just that – UNAVAILABLE. The more you chase him, the more he is likely to withdraw. Things won’t magically get better when he falls for you because he might not be capable of that much intimacy.

I know this is sad to hear, but I hate to see you waste time on this guy.

Once in a while the unavailable man does push himself to be more available. Occasionally he might work on himself, go to therapy, stretch beyond his comfort zone to fall in love and want the relationship to progress. The best way to have this happen is not to initiate anything with him. Let him lead, even more so than with most men.

He will not and cannot get invested in you if you do any of the courtship work. He has to want you enough to call you, set up dates, and spend time with you. If you do the work for him, he may never experience enough desire to get the motivation he needs to step up emotionally.

Whether or not you choose to work with me as your dating coach, I want to encourage you not to spend too much time with a man who doesn’t contact and see you consistently. If you see a man once a week or less over a few months and his contact is sporadic, or he came on strong at first but then backs off, you’ve probably got an emotionally unavialble man.

Give him a chance yes. But if he doesn’t move things forward, if your relationship does not progress, be brave. Take the first step to move on and look for a man who is ready for a healthy, loving relationship – the one that you deserve.

Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. So, she made a few tweaks and then dated 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late for Love to help other smart, successful women find love too! Her mission is to share her proven dating advice  and keen insights about men with women everywhere who are serious about finding love with the right man. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000’s of midlife women with her Love & Dating Coach services. She’s been featured on BBC’s 5 Live Radio, NBC, ABC, and Fox News, NPR, eHarmony,,, Connecticut Magazine among others around the world. An established author, you can find her 6 books on Amazon.

2 thoughts on “Finding Love: Why is the Emotionally Unavailable Man So Attractive?”

  1. Kelly Ann – well said! thanks for reminding everyone that we ARE the treat. Now that is evidence of superb self-esteem at work.

  2. OR one that deserves YOU!

    I totally get the intrigue and the challenge to resist this handsome, fun guy, but sometimes we forget how amazing we are and what a treat it is for them to be with US!

    Take some time and remember what a catch YOU are!

    Kelly Ann


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